Relationship Basics

We need others in our lives. We have an unrelenting motivation to belong. This drive pushes for attachment. However, the natural push to attach and belong is not accompanied by a natural skill of connecting. We have a difficult time understanding our own complex workings, let alone the complexity of bonding with someone else and their unique blend of wants and needs.

Building relationships requires knowledge and skill. Many children learn these skills through social learning, watching their parents interact with each other and with them. Unfortunately, many children do not have this luxury. They grow up in environments where adults chaotically try to figure out how to love and be loved themselves. The dysregulated patterns of relating are often passed onto the children.

Children move into adulthood wanting to be loved but not knowing how to be loving. Couples from varying backgrounds commit to relationships and must muddle through the mess of learning the gives and takes of intimate relationships. Some learn through the complex experience of loving while others become more and more disconnected from the process. Accordingly, many misattribute their inability to love by projecting it onto the partner. The partner, they believe, must be bad. So they pack their bags and abandon the relationship in search of a better lover.

Fromm’s Narcissistic Aunt and Her Servants

Erich Fromm explains this phenomenon in detail in his timeless classic the Anatomy of Human Destructiveness. He describes the love hate relationship through an example of a narcissistic and exploitive aunt towards her servants. However, I find his depiction of this relationships as strikingly familiar with romantic love hate relationships.

Fromm wrote, “She demanded that a servant should be completely ‘devoted’ to her, have no interests of her own, and gladly accept the role of a creature who is happy to serve her. She approaches each new servant with the phantasy that she is the one who will fulfill her expectations.” He continues with this example, “After a short ‘honeymoon’ during which the aunt’s phantasy is still sufficiently effective to blind her to the fact that the servant is not ‘right’—and perhaps also helped by the fact that the servant in the beginning makes every effort to please her new employer aunt wakes up to the recognition that the servant is not willing to live up to the role for which she has been cast.”

Eventually, Fromm writes the aunt “experiences intense disappointment and rage… Not being aware that the cause for this rage lies in her impossible demands, she rationalizes her disappointment by accusing the servant. Since she cannot give up her desires, she fires the servant and hopes that a new one will be ‘right.’ The same mechanism repeats itself until she dies or cannot get any more servants” (Fromm, 2013).

Divorce in History

​We have long abandoned the traditional family unit common in the mid 1900’s, where divorces were frowned upon, and legally difficult to obtain. This doesn’t mean all marriages were happy. Many people lived together in agony—because that’s what you did. Our nostalgic views of Disney happily-ever-after relationships are distorted.

​Many dysfunctional parents from that time period gave unintentional gifts of chaotic attachment to their children. Disconnected moms and dads raised disconnected children. The children often felt that something was wrong but didn’t know how to fix the problem, so they continued carrying the family torch, giving the gift of broken attachment skills to their children.

Healthy Happy Relationships Take Work

The truth is relationships are difficult. Happy couples still require work, sacrifice and even some suffering. We propagate a lie of fairy-tale connections. It is a beautiful lie. We grasp the visions of an eventual paradise where insecurities vanish, and unconditional love flourishes. We believe in a fairy-tale sort of love. Consequently, because we have been gifted with occasional glimpses of elated and magical feelings of romance, we believe true love should always provide these heightened emotions, where troubles disappear, and joys are magnified.

Ester and Jerry Hicks wrote:

“Many people speak of unconditional love but rarely live it. Instead, when they see a condition that causes them to feel negative emotions, they demand a change in the condition; but in doing so, they set themselves on a long and uncomfortable path of attempting to control others in order to feel good” (Hicks & Hicks, 2020).

We readily and repeatedly jump into the commitment fray, ignoring warning signs and defying the differences with our “love-conquers-all” dreams, only to discover our mental resources do not match the relationship demands. The fast-life attitude pushes us to move on, dispose of the relationship instead of repair, seeking healing through another chaotic foray into fruitless relationships searches.

Secure Attachments and Wellness

​The psychological sound advice is to learn, grow and develop the skills to maintain and benefit from a secure attachment. The evidence is clear—there is a positive correlation between secure attachments and well-being. Seventeenth-century philosopher Francis Bacon said that intimate relationships “redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half” (Ben-Shahar, 2007, p. 112).

We need to fight the fairy-tale lie. Romance unfettered with worries is attractive, tickling our idealistic fantasies, but this doesn’t match reality. Real love takes work—lots of it. Managing our emotional stability is a chore, requiring skill and maturity. In a relationship, the stability is complicated by the complexities of two living, breathing, reactionary creatures. Conflict is inevitable. The strength and success of a relationship depends on a couple’s ability to manage these conflicts, working through the ebb and flow of feelings. We can’t run, disposing of the relationship once it demands effort.

​Skilled partners soothe the emotions while inexperienced lovers magnify the feelings and poke the sensitivities. Contrary to our dreams, many relationships heighten insecurities rather than solve them. For some, these relationships become disposable.

We All have Psychological Baggage

People bring baggage into the relationship. We have pasts and those pasts intrude on the present. We cannot discard our histories. Therapy patients spend years learning to understand how their personal histories impact their lives. Learning to understand ourselves within a relationship often compounds the work of self knowledge.

Even the best relationships involve moments of intense love and frightening indifference, connection and disconnection, attunement and misattunement, feelings of importance and emptiness. If we want security and intimacy, we can’t quickly dispose of a relationship once the fun is over, and work is required.

If we burden relationships with expectations of perfection, believing unconditional love will eliminate the necessary work, reality will disappoint. We must either deny and bury, seek fulfillment elsewhere or courageously face reality and learn to commit, resolve and connect. Like the title of Aaron Beck’s classic work, “Love is Never Enough” (1989).

Leaving a Relationship When Children are Involved

Children are often caught in the crossfire of adult relationship dynamics, and their presence can significantly complicate decisions regarding whether to stay in a relationship, leave it, or work on improving it. When adults perceive relationships as disposable, they risk perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction that can impact generations. Children are keen observers; they absorb emotional patterns and social behaviors from the significant adults in their lives. The lessons learned from witnessing unstable or transient relationships may lead them to adopt similar attitudes towards commitment and attachment in their own futures. Thus, the choices made by parents not only affect their immediate happiness but also shape the relational frameworks that children will carry into adulthood.

The implications of this cycle extend far beyond individual families; they contribute to broader societal trends around divorce and family structure. For instance, when children grow up in environments characterized by conflict or abandonment—fueled by a mindset that encourages disposability—they may struggle with forming secure attachments themselves. This generational transmission of relationship dysfunction creates an ongoing pattern where each successive generation grapples with unresolved emotional issues stemming from parental relationships. As society evolves and marriage rates fluctuate, these underlying psychological factors must be addressed if we hope for future generations to cultivate healthy bonds based on stability rather than fleeting encounters.

On a more hopeful note, breaking this chain is possible through conscious effort and dedication to developing healthier relational habits. By investing time in understanding one’s own emotional landscape and being willing to engage authentically with partners—even amidst difficulties—adults can model constructive behaviors for their children. Therapy, communication skills training, and self-reflection become powerful tools for fostering resilience within familial structures. If parents commit to nurturing secure attachments rather than opting for quick exits at the first sign of trouble, there’s potential not just for personal growth but also for creating enriching environments where love thrives across generations instead of dwindling away under pressures of modern life.

Associated Concepts

• Unconditional Love: This refers to love without strings attached. It’s love we offer freely without pretense, not based on what we expect in return.
• Affection Exchange Theory: This theory proposed by Kory Floyd, emphasizes the role of affectionate communication in forming and maintaining emotional bonds between individuals. It’s rooted in evolutionary biology and highlights the reciprocity of affectionate behaviors, promoting trust, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
• Counter-Dependency: This trait is characterized by a intense fear of commitment that motivates overt behaviors to avoid emotional dependence on others. This behavior often manifests as a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from perceived threats of vulnerability and emotional exposure.
• Fear of Engulfment: This refers to the experience of feeling overwhelmed and trapped in a relationship. It is on the opposite end of the attachment spectrum from fear of abandonment.
• Love-Hate Relationships: These relationships have a complex emotional bond, characterized by both intense feelings of love and deep frustrations or animosity. In such relationships, the individuals may experience conflicting emotions, oscillating between affection and resentment. 
• Commitment Issues: This concept refers to inability to make long-term promises to others—particularly intimate partners. Typically, this involves a traumatic past, where commitment is frightens.
• Fear of Abandonment: This refers to the overwhelming fear that others will leave you both physically or emotionally. The fear motivates unhealthy bonding behaviors that sometimes motivates the feared abandoning.
• I Love You; You’re Free to Go: This article refers to the act of love involved in letting someone you love go when it is their desire to do so.

A Few Words from Psychology Fanatic

As we navigate the complexities of modern life, it becomes increasingly evident that the world around us is in a constant state of flux. This relentless pace can lead to feelings of disconnection and overwhelm, making it easy for individuals to succumb to the allure of disposable relationships as they seek quick fixes for their emotional needs. However, amid these chaotic circumstances, there lies an opportunity for personal growth and transformation. By acknowledging our own patterns and behaviors, we can begin to break free from the dysfunctional chains that bind us—chains forged by unrealistic expectations and societal pressures that equate success with perfection. In doing so, we open ourselves up to more meaningful connections grounded in authenticity rather than superficiality.

This journey toward healthier relationships holds particular significance when considering its impact on future generations. Children are impressionable beings who learn from observing their parents’ interactions; therefore, fostering secure attachments becomes paramount in ensuring they develop strong emotional foundations. Rather than allowing our frustrations or disappointments with adult relationships to dictate how we engage with others—including our children—we must strive to model resilience and love even in challenging times. By prioritizing loving attunement over fleeting satisfaction, we champion a new way forward—a way where genuine connection replaces disposability. Ultimately, this shift not only enriches our lives but cultivates environments where children flourish emotionally equipped with the tools necessary for forming lasting bonds built on trust and understanding rather than fear or abandonment.

Last Update: December 25, 2025

References:

Beck, Aaron (1989). Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy. Harper Perennial; Reprint edition. ISBN-10: 0060916044
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Ben-Shahar, Tal (2007). Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment. McGraw Hill; First Edition. ISBN-10: 0071492399
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Fromm, Erich (2013). The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness. Open Road Media; 1st edition. ISBN: 080501604X
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Hicks, Ester; Hicks, Jerry (2020). The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide. Hay House Inc.; 3rd edition. ISBN-10: 1401960162
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