Introduction: Destructive Relationships

The emotionally destructive relationship is an epidemic. We are surrounded by violence. These painful relationships quietly pull the unwilling and unknowing participants in, using gentle webs of deceit. Often the dangerousness of the partner is unknown until the victims are deeply enmeshed in the relationship. And once a connection is established, escaping the abusive relationship is much more difficult.

​The stigma associated with abusive relationships compounds difficulties. Even after the victim recognizes the abuse, they discover that seeking help is difficult. First recognizing the problem, then escaping the danger often is a process that takes years, robbing precious time. The abuse harms psychological health, narrowing deep examinations, strangling growth and inviting deceptive coping mechanisms.

Abusive relationships create the fertile ground for dysfunctional thinking. It is difficult to accept that we are the ones being abused. We confidently believe we can cure the abuser rather than take the difficult and frightening paths necessary to leave the relationship and escape the abuse.

Protective Denials

A victim of a vicious attack, with staples still holding together the gashing wound from a ferocious strike, lashed out at investigative questions, “you are blowing this way out of control.” The mind steps forward, lessens the crime, and excuses a partner’s injustice. It’s what our mind does.

The cycle of violence (love, anger, violence, sorrow) is an informative pictograph but is incomplete. The cycle focuses on only a fraction of the felt experience, skipping the deep feelings intimately part of each station of the cycle. A victim endures a myriad of powerful emotions, behaviors, unhealthy needs, insecurities, and faulty thinking that play primary roles in this life-destroying-cycle; both partners contribute and pay a significant price.

Denial is common. Clinging to an abuser is normal. Our brains try yo make sense of the nonsensical pattern of someone we love harming us. Bessel van der Kolk, founder and medical director of the Trauma Center in Brookline, Massachusetts, wrote “terror increases the need for attachment, even if the source of comfort is also the source of terror.” He continues, “of course, clinging to one’s abuser is not exclusive to childhood” (van der Kolk, 2014).

Many of our survival styles may help at first but in the long run are maladaptive preventing healing and escape from continued abuse.

The courage to break free requires many resources—both internal and external.

Staying in a Abusive Relationship is Complex

There are many reasons people stay in abusive relationships. Perhaps, denial just helps the psych and is not the motivating factor for staying. Among some of the reasons for staying, research has identified these as common causes preventing escape from an abusive relationship:

• The fear that the abuser’s actions will become more violent or possibly lethal if the victim leaves or attempts to leave
• Unsupportive friends and family, encouraging the victim to forgive and that the abuser will get better
• Financial worries and fear of single parenting
• Remembering some of the good feelings and positives of the relationship (rarely are abusive relationships all bad).
• Lack of knowledge of or access to resources to help
• Fear of losing custody of any children
• No where to go
• Religious or cultural beliefs and practices may not support divorce
• Belief that two parent households are better for children, despite abuse

List adapted from NCADV article “Why Do Victims Stay?“

Escaping Relationship Abuse is Possible

The possibility of escape is not merely a distant dream, but a tangible reality for millions who have endured the ravages of violence. These individuals, driven by an unyielding determination for a better existence, break free from the shackles of their past and navigate towards a brighter future. Embracing the sheer force of humility, they reconcile with the harsh truths of their circumstances and, with unwavering courage, extend their hand towards the beacon of hope and assistance. This remarkable journey paves the way for their liberation and ultimate emancipation, propelling them towards a life defined by freedom and newfound opportunities.

You too can find peace.

Creating a Safety Plan

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a challenging and sensitive situation. Here are some general safety tips to consider when creating a safety plan for leaving an abusive marriage:

• Reach Out for Support: Contact a trusted friend, family member, or domestic violence support organization for assistance and emotional support.
• Keep Important Documents Safe: Gather and store important documents such as identification, passports, birth certificates, and financial records in a secure location outside the home.
• Secure Your Communication: Use a secure and private communication method when seeking help or discussing your plans to leave.
• Pack a “Go Bag”: Prepare a bag with essentials such as clothing, medications, important documents, and emergency cash. Keep this bag in a safe and accessible location.
• Plan Your Exit Strategy: Identify potential escape routes and safe locations to go to when leaving the home. Avoid areas that may be easily monitored by the abuser.
• Alert Trusted Individuals: Inform trusted individuals about your plans to leave, especially if children are involved, and establish a code word or signal to indicate when you need help.
• Seek Legal Advice: Consult with a legal professional or domestic violence advocate to understand your rights and legal options when leaving an abusive marriage.

Remember, creating a safety plan should be tailored to your specific circumstances and prioritizing your safety is of utmost importance. If possible, seek professional guidance and support as you navigate this difficult transition. It’s important to tailor the safety plan to your specific situation and needs. If you’re considering leaving an abusive relationship, please reach out to local resources or hotlines for support in creating a safety plan that’s right for you. Remember, you’re not alone, and help is available. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or your local emergency services.

Resources for Victims of Domestic Violence

Victims of domestic violence have access to a variety of resources designed to offer support, safety, and assistance. Here are some key resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Provides 24/7 confidential support and assistance. Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or visit www.ndvh.org.
• National Dating Abuse Helpline: Offers support for young people affected by dating violence. Call 1-866-331-9474 or visit www.loveisrespect.org.
• National Child Abuse Hotline/Childhelp: Assistance for cases of child abuse. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or visit www.childhelp.org.
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: Support for sexual assault victims. Call 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE) or visit www.rainn.org.
• National Center for Victims of Crime: Offers resources and advocacy for crime victims. Call 1-202-467-8700 or visit www.victimsofcrime.org.
• State Resources: Many states have specific programs and resources for victims of domestic violence. You can find a list of state-specific resources at www.womenshealth.gov.

These resources can provide immediate help, counseling, legal advice, and shelter information. It’s important for victims to know they are not alone and that there is help available.

Associated Concepts

• Trauma Bonding: This is the phenomenon of victims of repeated abuse forming strong attachment to their abuser. In consequence, the victims cling to their abuser for security rather than flee to escape the abuse.
• Codependency: This is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addictive or self-destructive behavior. This can manifest as an excessive reliance on the needs of others for self-esteem and identity, while neglecting one’s own needs and well-being.
• Emotional Abuse: This is characterized by a pattern of behavior aimed at gaining power and control over another person through the use of emotions. It can involve undermining an individual’s self-worth, manipulating their emotions, or subjecting them to constant criticism, blame, or humiliation.
• Emotional Wounds: These wounds, whether from childhood or adulthood, can linger, impacting our well-being. Memories of pain persist, but healing is possible through patience, understanding, and support.
• Love-Hate Relationships: These relationships are characterized by a complex emotional bond between two individuals or entities, characterized by both intense feelings of love and deep frustrations or animosity. In such relationships, the individuals may experience conflicting emotions, oscillating between affection and resentment.
• Risk Regulation Model: This model refers to an internal regulation systems that individuals use to navigate the intense conflicting demands between self-protecting security and desires for security and belonging.

A Few Words from Psychology Fanatic

The abuser’s promises, small improvements, and apologizes are often shallow, just another turn in the on-going drama. Hope derived from short-term changes are shattered many times over, leaving the victim feeling ashamed and alone. Through the goodness of their hearts they nurture the kindness of hope, believing their partner will change.

None are perfect; we all struggle. But no one deserves abuse. There is no excuse. Accept the rottenness of this behavior for what it is—unwarranted, unhealthy, and destructive. Escape relationship abuse by seeking guidance, finding support, and then, you may rediscover peace.

Last Update: October 30, 2025