Understanding Daryl Bem’s “Exotic Becomes Erotic”: A Psychological Perspective

Daryl Bem, a prominent social psychologist, introduced the theory of “Exotic Becomes Erotic” in his 1996 work. This concept seeks to explain how sexual attraction is often influenced by our early experiences with gender roles and cultural perceptions of sexuality. The theory posits that individuals may develop attractions based on what they perceive as exotic or different from their own familiar experiences. In this article, we will delve into the key components of Bem’s theory and explore its implications for understanding human sexuality.

Theories of sexual orientation are still politically charged. In 1996, the topic was even more taboo. A significant population still see homsexuality as a deviant behavior. Accordingly, biases sneak into research, taintint the findings. On the opposite end of the scale, political correctness may also influence research. Pure science should not be influenced by either. Bem’s theory has some of both. The basis of his theory has some merit.

While reading Bem’s theory, step back from strong biases and draw from some of the theoretical structure. The theory is overly simplistic and mostly speculative based on a variety of finding of arousal and attraction. However, Bem’s ideas provoke thought, embrace complexity, and are worthy of examination.

The Core Concept

Bem introduces his theory on the causes of sexual orientation by stating that the causes of homosexuality are “both politically suspect and scientifically misconceived.” He goes on to explain that it is “politically suspect because it is so frequently motivated by an agenda of prevention and cure. Scientifically misconceived because it presumes that heterosexuality is so well understood, so obviously ‘natural’ evolutionary consequence of reproductive advantage, that only deviations from it are theoretically problematic” (Bem, 1996).

Nature and Nurture

Bem’s exotic becomes erotic theory is a developmental theory of sexual attraction. His theory points to genetic and environmental antecedents that contribute to adult sexual orientation. This theory opposes the idea that somewhere in our genetic makeup is a specific DNA code that determines a zygotes adult sexual orientation. However, he does posit that genetics play a significant role.

This is in line with current theories for development of personality traits and disorders. Basically, we become us through a complex interaction between our genes and environments. Our genes create childhood temperaments, those temperaments interact with environments, customizing our development.

Identical twin studies suggests that genetics play a significant role. In one study of 115 gay men who had twins, 52% of identical twin brothers were also gay compared to 22% of fraternal twin brothers and 11% of adopted brothers (Bailey & Pillard, 1991). These findings suggest a strong genotype for sexual orientation but also some other contributing factors.

Steven Pinker wrote that:

No one chooses to become schizophrenic, homosexual, musically gifted, or, for that matter, anxious or self-confident or open to experience. But the old idea of fate—in the sense of uncontrollable fortune, not strict predestination—can be reconciled with modern biology once we remember the many openings for chance to operate in development” (Pinker, 2003).

Gene Expression

New research has discovered that gene expression is not as clear of originally believed. Our DNA does not predetermine our lives. Daniel Siegel, MD, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the School of Medicine of the University of California, Los Angeles, explains that each cell in our body contains “the same library of genes.” We inherit these genes from our parents. The pattern of activation of these, on the other hand, varies (Siegel, 2020).

A landmark study by Meaney and colleagues theorized that early experience “permanently alters behavior and physiology.” These effects are partially “mediated by sustained alterations in gene expression in selected brain regions” (Meaney & Szyf, 2005). Robert M. Sapolsky, Ph.D., professor of biology and neurology at Stanford University, explains that research shows that “mothering style altered the on/off switch in a gene relevant to the brain’s stress response.” Sapolsky explains that stimulating environments, such as “harsh parents, good neighborhoods, uninspiring teachers, optimal diets—all alter genes in the brain” (Sapolsky, 2018).

Beyond DNA expression, we also have malleable brain networks. Our DNA has a significant impact on our personality, which impacts our lives in countless ways. However, experience is the motivating force for forming brain networks that interpret information coming from within and from without. In the complex dance between our programming and environment we develop. It is this context that Bem presents his theory of sexual orientation.

See Exposome and Epigenetics for more on these exciting topic

Developmental Stages Leading to Sexual Orientation

Bem presents the development of sexual orientation in developmental stages, beginning in the womb with genetic instruction and prenatal hormones. The developing fetus is also responsive to environments. Robin Karr-Morse and Meredith Wiley wrote “long before we are born, we are experiencing.” they go on to explain, “the quality of the prenatal environment can either maximize healthy development or create biological and behavioral vulnerabilities in a child’s brain” (Karr-Morse & Wiley, 2014).

The child comes into the world with a temperament style. The child temperament style interacts with the environment, forming the child’s specific likes and dislikes. These experiences create a trajectory into adulthood and the forming of relationships.

All this is the context from which Bem draws his theory of exotic becomes erotic. He explains that ” the heart of EBE theory is the proposition that individuals become erotically or romantically attracted to those who are dissimilar or unfamiliar (exotic) to them in childhood” (Bem, 1996).

Bem argues that this pattern emerges largely due to childhood experiences. Children form affiliations based on play and socialization; those who do not conform to traditional gender norms can become objects of curiosity or fascination. This curiosity can later transform into sexual attraction during adolescence when individuals begin exploring their own identities and desires.

Early Experiences Shape Attraction

The foundation of Bem’s theory rests heavily on early developmental stages where children observe and interact with others around them.

Gender Conformity or Nonconformity (B-C)

Gender conformity and nonconformity are concepts that explore how individuals align with or deviate from societal expectations regarding gender roles and behaviors. The child’s genotype strongly influences temperaments. Their temperaments, along with environmental exposures, strongly influence behaviors along gender conformity and non-conformity. Identical twin research suggests that genotypes have a high correlation with gender conformity (Bem, 2000).

In the context of the “exotic leads to erotic” theory, these ideas gain additional layers of meaning.

The “exotic leads to erotic” theory, Bems suggests that individuals are often attracted to what is perceived as exotic or different from their own familiar experiences. This can manifest in various ways within the framework of gender expression.

Gender Conformity

Individuals who conform to traditional gender norms typically embody characteristics, behaviors, and appearances associated with their assigned sex at birth. For example, a woman might adopt traditionally feminine traits such as nurturing behavior or wearing dresses, while a man may embrace masculine traits like assertiveness and physical strength. Within this framework, what is considered “normal” or accepted becomes less intriguing; thus, conformity can sometimes lead to diminished erotic appeal because it lacks novelty.

Gender Nonconformity

Conversely, those who engage in gender nonconformity challenge these societal norms by expressing themselves in ways that do not align with traditional expectations for their gender. This could include men adopting styles typically associated with women or women embracing more masculine traits. From the perspective of the “exotic leads to erotic” theory, this deviation from normative behavior can create an allure—what is different and unconventional may be perceived as exciting and attractive.

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In essence, when individuals present themselves outside conventional boundaries—whether through clothing choices, mannerisms, or interests—they may evoke curiosity and desire among others who find such differences stimulating. The interplay between these concepts highlights how attraction often thrives on diversity and challenges typical standards of beauty and desirability.

Feeling Different from Same Sex Peers (C-D)

In Judith Bem’s “exotic becomes erotic” theory, the stage of feeling different from same-sex peers is a crucial component in understanding how sexual orientation and attraction develop. This theory posits that when children experience feelings of difference—whether through interests, behaviors, or personality traits—they may begin to perceive members of the same sex as “exotic.” Here’s an explanation of this stage:

• Childhood Experiences: During childhood, individuals are often socialized into gender roles where they learn expectations about how boys and girls should behave. Children engage with peers who typically share similar interests and behaviors aligned with their gender.
• Feeling Different: As some children grow older, they might notice that their preferences or behaviors diverge from those commonly exhibited by their same-sex peers. For example, a boy who enjoys activities traditionally associated with girls (like dancing or playing with dolls) might feel out of place among his male counterparts.
• Perception of Exoticism: This sense of being different can lead to feelings of alienation or isolation within one’s peer group but also results in a new perspective on same-sex individuals. Those who feel different may begin to see their same-sex peers as “exotic” because they represent a social norm that feels unattainable or foreign to them.
• Emerging Attraction: Over time, this perception transforms into an attraction based on what is perceived as exoticness. The difference initially felt can evolve into curiosity and desire; the very qualities that set these peers apart become sources of intrigue and arousal.

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In summary, the stage where one feels different from same-sex peers plays an essential role in shaping perceptions and experiences related to attraction within Bem’s framework. It highlights how feelings of divergence can transform into fascination and desire for others viewed as exotic due to differences in behavior or identity expression.

Arousal and Attraction (D-E)

In Judith Bem’s “exotic becomes erotic” theory, the concept of non-specific autonomic arousal refers to a physiological response that individuals experience when they encounter peers of the same or opposite sex whom they perceive as exotic. Bem explains that “for the male-typical child, it may be felt as antipathy or contempt in the presence of girls” (Bem, 1996).

Bem wrote:

“Both fictions and real life provide numerous examples or erotic attraction between two incompatible people who may not even like each other. Collectively these observations suggest that similarity may promote friendship, compatibility, and companionate love, but it is the dissimilarity that sparks erotic/romantic attraction and passionate love” (Bem, 1996).

This stage is crucial in understanding how initial feelings of difference can evolve into sexual attraction.

Here’s a breakdown of this concept:

• Autonomic Arousal: The term “autonomic arousal” pertains to involuntary physiological responses triggered by emotional stimuli, which can include increased heart rate, sweating, or heightened alertness. These responses are governed by the autonomic nervous system and occur without conscious control.
• Non-Specific Nature: When Bem discusses “non-specific” autonomic arousal, he suggests that this physiological reaction is not inherently linked to sexual attraction initially; rather, it arises from various emotional states such as excitement, anxiety, or curiosity when interacting with peers who feel different or exotic.
• Encounters with Peers: As children grow and develop their identities, encounters with same-sex or opposite-sex peers can elicit these non-specific arousal responses—especially if those peers embody qualities that deviate from societal norms (e.g., interests or behaviors that are atypical for their gender). For example, a boy may feel an increase in heart rate when interacting with a girl whose behavior he finds intriguing and different.
• Attribution of Sexual Meaning: Over time and through repeated experiences of non-specific autonomic arousal in response to these perceived differences (or exoticism), individuals begin to associate these physical sensations with sexual attraction. As they process their feelings and experiences more deeply, what started as mere physiological reactions can be reinterpreted as desire directed toward the individual who provoked those feelings.
• Development of Sexual Orientation: This transformation plays an essential role in shaping one’s sexual orientation within Bem’s framework: the combination of feeling different from same-sex peers and experiencing non-specific autonomic arousal creates conditions where attractions may arise towards same-sex individuals (for those who identify as gay/lesbian) or continue developing towards the opposite sex (for heterosexuals).

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In summary, Bem’s concept of non-specific autonomic arousal illustrates how physiological responses experienced during social interactions—particularly with individuals viewed as exotic—can influence emotional development and contribute significantly to forming one’s sexual orientation over time.

Purpose of Arousal

Physiological arousal is a response to the environment, marking that something about the encounter is significant. The evolutionary purpose for this is to draw attention to irregularities. This may represent both opportunities and threats. Joseph LeDoux, an American neuroscientist renowned for his research on survival circuits, explains that “emotional arousal makes any memory stronger.” Emotional arousal has powerful influences over cognitive processes such as: Attention, perception, memory, decision-making, and the conscious concomitants of each are “all swayed in emotional states.” The underlying concept is that “emotional arousal organizes and coordinates brain activity” (LeDoux, 2003).

Antonio Damasio, a distinguished Portuguese neuroscientist known for his work in understanding the human brain and emotions, explains through associations we create somatic markers. These somatic markers come to life under similar circumstances, often covertly governing behavior. At at the neural level, somatic markers depend on “learning within a system that can connect certain categories of entity or event with the enactment of a body state, pleasant or unpleasant” (Damasio, 2005).

Basically, to tie arousal into Bem’s theory, non-specific autonomic arousal to someone’s dissimilar features creates stronger memories, along with somatic markers that will impact future reactions to similar environmental stimuli in the future. This may include dissimilar feature of conformity or nonconformity to gender roles.

Target of Arousal

Plenty of research suggests that arousal does not come with a perfectly defined target. Mostly, arousal is a product of our adaptive unconscious. Basically, our conscious mind must form its own judgment around the arousal. This is inline with the Schachter and Singer theory of emotion. The physiological arousal of our autonomic nervous system simply provides the cues that we are aroused.

Research suggests that non-specific autonomic arousal can be misattributed as sexual attraction. In the context of Bem’s theory, this means that an individual is aroused because of differences (exotic) but misattributes it as sexual arousal (erotic), imprinting the emotional experience together with the narrative of attraction to individuals with specific traits.

Imprinting

Sexual orientation is typically a stable trait for most individuals across a lifespan. Some theorist believe this is because of early sexual imprinting. Lorenz identified imprinting as an important developmental process. He described it as the mechanism “through which the offspring-to-parent bond is formed in precocial birds.” He posits that imprinting occurs during a critical (sensitive) period during development (Archer, 1992). This falls into developmental theories suggestion that children accomplish different tasks at different stages of development.

John Bowlby saw imprinting as a element of infant attachment to their caregiver. Perhaps, sexual imprinting happens at a later stage of development. In comparative psychology, research in imprinting found that sexual imprinting establishes “an attraction to an entire class of individuals well before sexual maturity.” The second finding is that after imprinting has been established, “the sexual preference is quite stable” (Bem, 1996).

The concept of imprinting shares several similarities with Damasio’s somatic markers. Stimuli marked with strong emotions.

See Lorenz’s Theory of Imprinting for more on this topic

Arousal and Attraction Studies

There are several studies that support misattribution of arousal, interpreting the arousal as attraction.

Love on the Bridge

The “Love on the Bridge” experiment, conducted by psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron in 1974, is a classic study exploring the role of arousal and cognitive attribution. The research aimed to investigate whether individuals could misattribute physiological arousal to feelings of love or attraction.

In the experiment, Dutton and Aron set up two different bridges over a river in British Columbia: one was a high, shaky suspension bridge that was likely to induce fear and anxiety, while the other was a sturdy, low bridge that provided a more secure feeling. Male participants were approached by an attractive female interviewer either on the high suspension bridge or after they had crossed the low bridge.

After being asked to fill out a questionnaire about their thoughts on the survey topic (which included thematic apperception tests), participants were given her phone number for further questions. The researchers measured how many men called her afterward as an indicator of attraction.

The results showed that men who were approached on the scary suspension bridge were significantly more likely to call the interviewer later than those approached on the stable lower bridge. This finding suggested that heightened emotional states can increase sexual attraction—a phenomenon known as misattribution of arousal (Wilson, 2004).

White, Fishbein, and Rutsein’s Experiments

Let’s explore two experiments conducted by White, Fishbein, and Rutsein that shed light on how heightened physiological arousal influences sexual arousal:

In the first experiment, fifty-four male undergraduates were physiologically aroused by running in place. Experimenters then showed the aroused men a video tape of an interview with a woman that was either attractive or unattractive. The experiment conductors then asked the men to rate the woman in the interview on several dimensions, including her attractiveness, her sexiness, and the degree to which they would be interested in dating and kissing her.

The results showed that participants aroused through physical exercise liked an attractive female confederate more and an unattractive female less than controls. The conclusion was that misattribution of arousal facilitated romantic attraction (White et al., 1981).

The second experiment was much the same except arousal was induced through either a positive (comedy tape) or a negative (mutilation tape) stimulus. The control group listened to a non-arousal reading of a textbook. The same as the first experiment participants watched an interview with a woman and experimenters asked them to rate the woman on the same dimensions (White et al., 1981).

“The results showed that no matter how the arousal has been elicited, participants were more erotically responsive to the attractive woman than were the control participants who had not been aroused” (Bem, 1996).

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In summary, these experiments highlight how heightened arousal can impact our feelings of attraction, emphasizing the role of misattribution in romantic contexts.

Criticisms and Considerations

While Bem’s theory provides valuable insights into human sexuality, it is important to acknowledge critiques surrounding its application:

• Reductionistic: Critics point out, and Bems agrees, that theory is overly reductionistic. He reduces sexual orientation to a series of stages. Each stage has varying amount of scientific support. However, Bem’s theory only loosely ties the stages together.
• Overly Simplistic: Bem’s theory Fails to acknowledge complex other childhood experiences that may contribute to sexual orientation (Nicolosi & Byrd, 2016).
• Cultural Context: Cultural variances can profoundly influence how individuals experience attraction; therefore, what is considered “exotic” differs widely across societies.
• Gender Biased: Most of Bem’s research is based on men. he also over generalizes and misrepresents the experience of women (Peplau et al., 1998).
• Fluidity: Human sexuality itself is fluid; thus rigid categorizations stemming merely from childhood experiences may not encapsulate all dimensions of adult attraction processes. Bem simplifies complex human emotions with a few cognitive theories.

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While the “exotic to erotic” theory is interesting, and pulls from many accepted theories in psychology, it does not have a lot of support because of lacking research and experimental support. It is theoretical without much supporting evidence for the overall structure and transitioning between stages. However, the construction is interesting and thought provoking.

Other Theories on Sexual Orientation

Daryl Bem’s “Exotic Becomes Erotic” theory posits that biological factors indirectly influence sexual preferences by shaping temperament, which in turn affects the activities and playmates children prefer. When a child feels different from same-sex peers, they perceive them as “exotic,” leading to physiological arousal that later transforms into sexual attraction. However, there are alternative theories worth exploring:

• Biological Determinism: Some researchers argue that genetic and hormonal factors directly influence sexual orientation without the intermediary of temperament.
• Social Constructionism: This perspective emphasizes social and cultural influences on sexual orientation. It suggests that societal norms, upbringing, and exposure to diverse experiences shape sexual preferences.
• Interactionist Models: These theories propose that both biological and environmental factors interact to determine sexual orientation. They acknowledge the interplay between nature (genes, hormones) and nurture (social context, upbringing).
• Psychosocial Theories: These focus on psychological and social factors, such as childhood experiences, attachment styles, and family dynamics, as contributors to sexual orientation.

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Remember that the debate over sexual orientation’s origins remains multifaceted, and no single theory provides a complete explanation.

Associated Concepts

• Biopsychosocial Theory: This represents a holistic approach to understanding health and illness that takes into account biological, psychological, and social factors. It suggests that the interplay of these factors can significantly influence a person’s overall health and well-being.
• Cognitive-Arousal Theory of Emotions: This theory posits that emotional experiences are the result of both physiological arousal and the cognitive interpretation of that arousal. This theory suggests that cognitive appraisal of the arousal determines an individual’s emotional response to a situation.
• Social Learning Theory: A psychological concept developed by Albert Bandura. This theory suggests that people learn through observing others’ behavior, attitudes, and outcomes of those behaviors. This theory emphasizes the role of modeling and imitation in learning, as well as the influence of reinforcement and punishment.
• Constructivist Psychology: emphasizes individuals’ active creation of knowledge through experiences and interactions, influencing education, therapy, and personal development. It’s rooted in historical and philosophical movements and influences concepts like narrative identity and cognitive reappraisal.
• Internal Working Models: This suggests that early experiences, particularly our attachments, become mental models that guide our future relationships. Formed unconsciously, these models categorize new experiences, predictably influencing our reactions and making quick judgments essential for survival.
• Self-Concept: This encompasses perceptions, beliefs, and emotions about oneself. Its components include self-esteem, self-image, and self-efficacy. Various theories and its development influence individuals’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Daryl Bem’s “Exotic Becomes Erotic” remains an influential perspective within psychology, offering explanations about how our past shapes present desires and relationships. By examining the nuances behind our attractions—how familiarity breeds comfort while differences spark intrigue—we gain a deeper understanding of human behavior related both socially and sexually.

As society continues evolving regarding discussions around gender identity and sexual orientation, theories like Bem’s encourage further exploration into how individual histories shape broader narratives about love and attraction today.

Last Update: August 30, 2025

References:

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