Introduction: The Real Work of Rebuilding a Life

The positive-thinking movement, borrowing pieces from across the wide swath of history, emerged from the rubble and has taken hold. Modern contributors to positive thinking include Mary Baker Eddy teaching the healing power of the mind, authors such as Norman Vincent Peale (The Power of Positive Thinking), and Napoleon Hill (Think and Grow Rich) followed with best-selling books. The movement achieved prominence with scientific support from experimental psychologist Martin Seligman.

​The benefits of a glowing attitude can’t be simply dismissed. But not everything under the positive-thinking umbrella is proven fact. Many motivational thoughts, books, and programs lack substance. They give people what they want to hear (willing to pay for) but fail to acknowledge reality, ignoring facts and alienating followers of scientifically supported theories. These false prophets of positivity reject the bitter emotions of existence as the mere choices of weak minds.

Life Isn’t Always Beautiful

Positive-thinking consists of more than dream boards and motivational speakers—both off-shoots of positive thinking. Positive-thinking feels good. We rather think of the pot of gold than the difficult journey. From an internal perspective, thinking wonderful thoughts and believing everything is wonderful is aesthetic, numbing the mind to the harsh realities.

Everything doesn’t work-out for our benefit. Sometimes we need to slow down for unplanned curves. With preparation, we mediate the future, avoid some nasties, and survive with more gusto than those tiptoeing through life in a blind bliss. And occasionally disaster strikes and we need to rebuild from the ashes of destruction.

Cedar R. Koons explains:

“We want external things, experiences, and relationships to be perfect, permanent, and fully satisfying. We live in the illusion that it is possible to have constant pleasure and to avoid anything we find unpleasant, painful, or aversive. Throughout our lives, we continue to grasp at this false dream of fulfillment, causing us to experience one bitter disappointment after another. And because we cling, we suffer. The more we suffer, the more we cling. The origin of suffering is the clinging, the attachment to our illusions and to reality being other than it is” (Koons, 2016).

Not everything that happens has a blessed reason; the orphan girl would have fared better if the drunk-driver never prematurely took her mother, robbing the child of the loving tenderness that creates secure attachment in adult relationships. The limited income senior would enjoy more comfort with affordable health care. Life sometimes benefits one group while looting from another. Nevertheless, it feels good believing the universe magically fulfills our deepest desires (Murphy, 2024).

False Promises of a Life of Ease

Many enterprising authors, motivational speakers and mega church preachers use positive-thinking to attract followers. The masses love deception. Fanciful thinking fills arenas, sells books (t-shirts, coffee mugs, etc..), motivates employees, and creates hope. But positive-thinking, the fanatical kind, ignores reality, by providing an escape from the fret of working through the snags and hitches of existence. In healthy doses (moderated by reality), positive-thinking motivates; but with too much, we chase unrealistic, unachievable dreams. When life does hurt, and positivity promises fail, will we be able to shift gears, accept the disappointment and rebuild from the ashes of destruction?

A fundamental requirement for dream fulfillment is that the desire is achievable. To achieve, we must know the effective steps to take on the path to fulfillment. When positive-thinking interrupts the natural path to success, it’s off course. Susan David, an Instructor in Psychology at Harvard University, wrote that expectations are “resentments waiting to happen.” David explains that people’s unrealistic expectations for happiness “increased their expectations for how things ‘should be,’ and thus set them up for disappointment” (David, 2016).

When we believe success is guaranteed, we often take our foot off the accelerator; the unplanned obstacles, we conveniently ignored, surprise us, overwhelm and then discourage. Notable changes to our lives require work, patience and skillful efforts—a positive attitude may help. The process of change stimulates discomforts—fears, vulnerabilities, shame.

​Change frightens us when we move from the well-worn paths, and act in new and difficult ways. The belief we must bask in positive feelings, at all costs, prompts rejection of opportunities to change that require significant work and pain.

Bad Things Happen to Everybody

Bad things happen—not just to those with negative thoughts. We suffer losses, failures, and eventually death no matter what our attitude is. We can be comforted by modern philosophy but while embracing acceptance, awareness, and the ‘power of now,’ we mustn’t ignore the tragedies of human existence; tragedy is integral to existence. Denial of reality doesn’t banish bad things—they still exist.

​We will experience despair; we incur losses in an impermanent, unpredictable world (Murphy, 2024a). But the strength of the human spirit expresses resiliency. Somehow, we face demanding and dire circumstances —not always gracefully—and emerge victorious. Through struggles, we discover remarkable recuperative powers. We don’t need to happily welcome unplanned disease, loss or failure but when challenged, we emerge victorious.

Steven Southwick wrote that although the world “is full of suffering it is full also of the overcoming of it” (Southwick, 2018).

When we struggle, the demands distract our resolve, diverting our focus from intended purposes, but we strengthen character through resistance, creating a solid foundation. The occasional solemn thoughts of humanity do not need fixing. We may entertain a negative thought or experiencing discomfort during times of struggle; the discomfort reveals our humanity.

See Human Suffering for more on this topic

Rebuilding After Destruction

Hitting rock bottom can feel like the end, a place of utter devastation and despair. But in reality, it’s often the most unexpected and powerful beginning. Think of it not as the floor, but as solid ground from which to build anew. The journey upward will require real work, and there’s no sugarcoating that. It demands an honest assessment of where you are, a courageous acknowledgment of what went wrong, and a commitment to laying each brick of your new life with intention and effort. This isn’t about magically erasing the past; it’s about harnessing the lessons learned from it and diligently crafting a future that is stronger and more meaningful than ever before. The climb may seem daunting, but every step you take, no matter how small, is a testament to your will and a move away from the depths.

Determination becomes your compass and engine in this rebuilding phase. There will be days when the weight of the past feels heavy, when doubt whispers insidious lies, and when the path forward seems obscured. It’s in these moments that determination becomes your lifeline. It’s the quiet resolve to get out of bed, to tackle one task at a time, to keep moving even when progress feels slow or invisible. Rebuilding isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon of small victories accumulated over time. Embrace the process, celebrate each milestone, and remember that every act of persistence is a strengthening of your inner resolve, forging an unshakeable foundation for the life you are building.

Resilience is the armor you’ll need for this journey. Setbacks are inevitable; they are not failures but rather opportunities to learn, adjust, and grow stronger. The ability to bounce back from disappointment, to dust yourself off after a stumble, and to keep your heart set on your goals is the true measure of resilience. Each time you navigate a challenge, you are not only rebuilding your life but also fortifying your spirit, creating an inner strength that no adversity can truly break. Embrace the lessons embedded in every struggle, for they are the building blocks of wisdom and the fuel for lasting growth. The future you are crafting, born from the ashes of rock bottom, has the potential to be richer, more authentic, and more deeply appreciated because it is built upon the foundation of your unwavering work, determination, and resilience.

See Building Resilience for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Self-Efficacy: This concept refers to an individual’s belief in their ability to accomplish specific tasks and achieve goals. It plays a significant role in determining the level of motivation, effort, and perseverance a person puts into various activities.
• Grit (A Character Trait): This refers to a person’s perseverance and passion for long-term goals. It involves the ability to persist in the face of challenges and maintain effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity, and plateaus in progress.
• Self-Determination Theory: This theory posits that humans have three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Autonomy refers to the need to feel in control of one’s own actions and goals, competence refers to the need to effectively interact with one’s environment, and relatedness refers to the need to feel connected to others and to care for and be cared for by others.
• Post-Traumatic Growth: This refers to the positive psychological changes that can occur as a result of struggling with highly challenging life crises. This concept suggests that individuals can experience personal growth and development after facing traumatic events, such as illness, loss, or other life-altering experiences.
• Trauma Resiliency Model: This is an approach that focuses on building resilience and promoting healing in individuals who have experienced trauma. It emphasizes the natural and innate capacity of individuals to heal from trauma when provided with the right support and resources.
• Stress and Coping Theory: This theory, developed by Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman, suggests that individuals experience stress when they perceive a discrepancy between the demands of a situation and their perceived ability to cope with those demands.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

The difficulty and the associated emotions provide nutrients for growth. Once the ashes of destruction settle, a flourishing life utilizes the ashes of sorrows for wisdom to better pursue intentions with purposeful action. Inner-struggles temporarily immobilize; that’s okay. Heal first, and then move forward. From the ashes of tragedy, the soil becomes rich. In due time, new seedlings break through the sorrow of tragedy, and grow with new purpose, hope, and wisdom.

Here in the normal, we find the great. While no amount of learning can save us from displeasure, we can work through the troubles, rebuild from the ashes of destruction and arrive somewhere a little better. We can think positive thoughts, have an optimistic approach to life, but this doesn’t have to dismiss reality. Here in reality we find the real richness of living.