Nurturing Autonomy In Relationships for a Well-Lived Life

In our quest for connection, we inherently seek love, affection, and validation from those around us. Secure attachments provide not only comfort but also contribute significantly to our overall well-being, as research indicates that these bonds can positively impact both mental and physical health. However, alongside this yearning for closeness lies a fundamental desire for autonomy—the ability to direct our lives according to our own choices and values. This creates a complex interplay of opposing desires: the need for secure relationships versus the longing for individual freedom. Striking a balance between these paradoxical drives becomes essential; it allows us to enjoy the intimacy of attachment while retaining the independence necessary for personal growth.

Integrating autonomy with communion is pivotal in leading a fulfilling life. When individuals navigate this delicate balance effectively, they foster an environment where both partners feel empowered to express their needs and pursue their interests without losing sight of their connection. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect for each other’s boundaries, allowing space for individuality while nurturing emotional bonds. This integration not only enhances personal satisfaction but also enriches relational dynamics—ultimately creating deeper connections grounded in understanding and shared experiences. By embracing both autonomy and communion, we cultivate relationships that honor individual identities while celebrating the strength found in togetherness.

​​What is Autonomy?

​An autonomous person acts in unity with the self—feeling free and volitional in their actions. The opposite of an autonomous, self-governing person is a person controlled by external forces. We emotionally respond differently to actions, depending on whether the action was an expression of self or a submissive yielding to another person. This difference has a powerful impact on our wellness.

​The last year, I entered a new phase. I retired. I thought this would give me more time. Surprisingly, I discovered time is still limited and a precious resource.

I’m repeatedly asked, “what do you do with all that time?” Once the discussion turns to household chores, inevitably there is a mention of the dreaded ‘honey-do’ list. These conversations helped me appreciate a characteristic of my marriage: I don’t have a honey-do list. I’m blessed with the autonomy to choose, and not follow a prepared agenda. My time finally isn’t dictated by outside forces—there’s no lengthy to-do list. I was a bit offended when a friend of my wife suggested to her, “why don’t you have Troy do it. He’s retired, he doesn’t have anything to do.”

​Don’t get me wrong, my wife asks for favors, and mentions things she would like done, but this is limited and respectful. I’m blessed with the autonomy to choose, and not follow a prepared agenda.

​Naturally, I have time to tackle more chores. This, I joyfully do. However, if my wife disrespected my time, acting as manager, directing how and when things should be done, this would dampen (if not kill) the joy of doing. My autonomous choice and newfound freedom would be burdened with a new taskmaster. Perhaps, this lack of direction and our mutual fondness of doing is why our marriage works so well.

See Autonomy: A Success Trait for more on this topic

Autonomous Action Contributes to Wellness

Autonomous action refers to the ability of individuals to make choices and take actions based on their own values, beliefs, and desires, rather than being influenced or controlled by external forces. Joy from autonomous action is not equaled by thoughtless obedience. Autonomous action supports empowerment—a sense of control over our life. Autonomy enhances the joy of doing. While obedience is a negative joy—an attempt to avoid displeasure of an angry partner. The first is a beautiful integration of communion and autonomy; the second motivated by fear.

When two couples learn to work together, respecting each other’s autonomy to act, the relationship boosts each individual partner’s wellness. When two people respect each other’s autonomy silly games of manipulation melt away and relationship drama dramatically declines.

Relationships work better when we accept what our partners can bring to the relationship and are willing to bring to the relationship without trying to squeeze out of them every ounce of service we can get from them. This doesn’t mean that we can’t ask for what we need or want or share feelings about disappointments in behavior. However, there is a fine line between sharing feelings and demanding change.

Autonomy promotes wellness for several reasons:

• Empowerment: When individuals have the autonomy to make decisions about their lives, they often feel more empowered. This sense of control can enhance self-esteem and confidence, which are crucial components of overall wellness.
• Personal Responsibility: Autonomous action encourages personal responsibility. Individuals who actively participate in making choices related to their health and well-being are more likely to engage in positive behaviors, such as exercising regularly, eating healthy foods, and managing stress effectively.
• Alignment with Values: Making choices autonomously allows people to align their actions with their core values and beliefs. When individuals live authentically according to what matters most to them, it fosters a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose in life.
• Motivation: Autonomy is linked with increased intrinsic motivation—doing things because one finds them personally rewarding rather than for external approval or rewards. This internal drive can lead to sustained engagement in activities that promote physical and mental health.
• Resilience: Individuals who practice autonomous decision-making tend to develop better coping skills when faced with challenges. The ability to navigate obstacles independently fosters resilience, which is essential for maintaining long-term wellness.
• Improved Mental Health: Having control over one’s life decisions is associated with lower levels of anxiety and depression. Autonomy supports mental well-being by reducing feelings of helplessness or dependence on others.
• Social Connections: Engaging in autonomous action can also lead individuals toward building healthier relationships based on mutual respect for each other’s choices and boundaries—contributing positively towards social wellness.
• Adaptability: Those who exercise autonomy are often more adaptable since they learn how to assess situations critically and respond proactively rather than reactively—a key trait necessary for navigating life’s ups and downs effectively.

In summary, fostering a relationship environment that supports autonomous action not only enhances individual well-being but also contributes positively toward communal health by encouraging responsible decision-making that aligns with personal values while promoting resilience against life’s challenges.

Autonomy in Romantic Relationships

Being autonomous doesn’t, however, grant authority to neglect the wants and needs of a significant other. If self-driven, autonomous action centers only on the self, there’s a more serious problem afoot—narcissism.

Edward Deci explains that authenticity leads to greater communion. “As people become more authentic, as they develop greater capacity for autonomous self-regulation, they also become capable of deeper relatedness to others” (Deci, 1996, p. 6). When we choose to act in a benevolent way, the action is done wholeheartedly. We give; but it is a choice. We free ourselves from the nasty resentments that accompany compliance to controlling demands.

Supporting Our Partner’s Autonomy

In a relationship, we should not only protect our autonomy but also support the autonomy of the partner. “It is a delicate balance between feeling free and supporting another’s freedom, and it is a dynamic that exemplifies how the issue of human autonomy is woven through the texture of all connectedness among people” (Deci, 1996, p. 8).

Supporting a romantic partner’s autonomy involves fostering an environment where they feel free to make their own choices and express themselves. Here are some ways to do this:

• Encourage Decision-Making: Ask for their opinions on decisions, whether big or small, and validate their choices without imposing your preferences.
• Respect Boundaries: Acknowledge and honor personal space and boundaries, allowing them the freedom to pursue interests independently.
• Communicate Openly: Foster open communication about desires, goals, and feelings. Listen actively without judgment.
• Support Individual Interests: Encourage them to engage in hobbies or activities that bring them joy, even if they don’t involve you directly.
• Be Trustworthy: Build trust by being reliable and supportive; show that you believe in their ability to handle challenges on their own.
• Avoid Control Tactics: Refrain from manipulation or pressure regarding decisions; instead, offer guidance when asked while respecting their final choices.
• Celebrate Their Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate their successes—big or small—to reinforce their sense of agency.

By implementing these practices, you can create a nurturing atmosphere that empowers your partner’s independence while strengthening your relationship overall.

Autonomy and Domestic Chores

We must work to achieve balance and equality with our freedom. We often discover many unrecognized differences between us and our partner when self-expression is encouraged. The task of dividing the domestic workload hastens the revelations. Accordingly, openness uncovers hidden expectations, forcing resolutions for difference. Families must balance the work; childcare and domestic duties are demanding, and when unequally divided, resentments infiltrate the home, poisoning good feelings and destroy happiness.

Respect for each other’s autonomy in this process builds trust—or destroys it. We must carefully proceed with these intricate negotiations, providing for autonomous action with achievable expectations, and respect for individuality.

For a new couple to develop a workable plan, it often takes years. There’s a lot of trial and error (Deutsch, 1999, p. 4). A couple must learn each other’s preferences, sensitivities, standards and timelines. Success occurs when couples learn to bend, rather than forcefully impose a will.

A couple must learn each other’s preferences, sensitivities, standards and timelines.

Convergence of Expectations

​A convergence of expectations has a powerful and positive impact. We arrive at an accepted destination only through patience and healthy discussion. A person just beginning to participate in domestic duties won’t have a finely tuned intuition. This can be frightening to watch—but when we allot generous time for a slow arching learning curve, we master new skills.

Previous generations didn’t have these discussions. They strictly followed defined gender roles. While my children watched a dad that cooked and potty trained, I had a father who dutifully followed the gender expectations of his time. Nothing is wrong with defined responsibilities (they’re actually helpful); it’s the inflexibility to change that destroys closeness.

The goal isn’t for one partner to be the manager and the other the helper. Typically, this doesn’t work, leading to constant collisions—and the honey-do list.

Albert Bandura adds to the discussion on mastery in his early research on self-efficacy. He wrote that when we perform autonomous acts, we gain confidence from the mastery (Bandura, 1977).

Autonomy and Self-Confidence

When relationship insecurity reigns, building confidence is essential. We need to know we are loveable and that our autonomous action leads to successful bonds. we gain mastery—and confidence when partners respond warmly to our actions. Yes, we may not clean the kitchen or bathroom to the higher standards. However, if our cleaning was an autonomously act, and our partner gratefully responds, then the act strengthens the relationship bond and relationship security. Furthermore, we also gain a growing mastery of cleaning skills and more importantly—relationship skills.

Interestingly, manipulators withhold affirmations that support autonomy. A partner’s autonomy lessens the narcissistic manipulator’s control. We can do nothing that satisfies the manipulator. This is a cruel tactic. They mar compliments with underhanded remarks, reminding the victim of insufficiency.

See Gaslighting for more on this topic

Shared Responsibility at Home

Scott Coltrane conducted several studies on shared responsibility at home. Many of the families interviewed appeared to balance the chores; but deeper investigation discovered the management of the task still followed traditional gender roles. The wife maintained exclusive control. The “mothers noticing when a chore needed doing and made sure someone performed it according to her standards” (Coltrane, 1996, p. 73). Researchers have discovered that wives with lower standards (allowing their husbands to take responsibility for the chores without correcting or directing) have husbands that do more housework (p.75).

We don’t know if this finding is a cause or effect? Is it that husbands who do more work require less direction or is it wives that give less direction encourage husbands to do more work?

​We do know, however, from observation that employees respond differently to freedom. Some respond well to autonomy while others abuse the agency. Likewise, some husbands or wives will misuse autonomy by ignoring boundaries and neglecting important communion-motivated behaviors. “Thanks for the freedom, I’m going to the bar with my friends; have dinner on the table when I get home.”

Forcing Compliance

A natural response to the flippant disrespect is lowering the hammer of justice. They need more control, we think. But this isn’t an issue of control. A grown man or woman seldom needs more control. The attempt to lasso them in with rules and intense supervision isn’t the answer. We can’t sure a cankered and selfish soul with control.

Keeping the reins tight, controlling every opportunity for freedom is destructive to healthy partnerships. “You’re free to do as you like as long as it is what I want you to do.” This approach limits a partner and the partnerships, planting the seed of resentment and dissatisfaction that choke the beautiful blooms of connection.

Autonomy sounds like common sense; but in reality, it’s scary. As a man once retorted, “but then she’ll do whatever she wants.” And he is absolutely correct. The intention isn’t forcing a partner to stay or act pleasing but for us to be the partner they freely choose and wish to please.

See I Love You; You’re Free to Leave for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Attachment Theory: This theory provides a psychological framework to explain how human beings form emotional bonds and connections with others, particularly in early childhood.
• Authenticity: involves aligning actions with true self, leading to self-acceptance, meaningful relationships, and genuine fulfillment.
• Compromise in Marriage: This practice is essential for relationship success, as conflict is inevitable. Autonomy and healthy compromise are crucial for maintaining intimacy and personal wellness. Without compromise, deception and manipulation may arise, leading to destructive relationships.
• Betrayal of Trust: This refers to the violation of trust or commitment within the relationship. This can manifest in various forms, such as infidelity, dishonesty, or disloyalty, and often results in a sense of hurt, disappointment, or disillusionment for the betrayed individual.
• Affection Exchange Theory: This theory proposed by Kory Floyd, emphasizes the role of affectionate communication in forming and maintaining emotional bonds between individuals. It’s rooted in evolutionary biology and highlights the reciprocity of affectionate behaviors, promoting trust, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
• Disposable Relationships: This concept refers to relationships not accompanied by commitment. While relationships require effort and stability, many forgo them during troubles. Understanding and nurturing relationships is essential for personal well-being and breaking generational dysfunction.
• Interdependence Theory: This concept is a cornerstone of social psychology, explores the interconnected nature of relationships and the mutual influence among individuals. It offers insights into different types of interdependence, impacting behavior, satisfaction, and well-being within relationships.

A Few Words from Psychology Fanatic

We create balance of autonomy and communion through painstaking work. Francine Deutsch emphasizes the word create, explaining there is nothing automatic about equality (Deutsch, 1999, p.12). However, balance isn’t a set of strict rules, although known expectations are essential to begin the process. We achieve equality through openness and flexibility to the milieu of constant change that afflicts family life.

Raising families and maintaining a house takes work—lots of it. With both husband and wife (or partners) working together on a workable plan of shared responsibility, we discover greater closeness, while simultaneously inviting the fuller joy of autonomy—and ideally, we accomplish all this in a clean house and a healthy supper.

Last Update: December 23, 2025

Resources:

Bandura, Albert  (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215. DOI: 10.1037/0033-295X.84.2.191
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Coltrane, Scott (1996). Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework, and Gender Equality. Oxford University Press. ISBN: 9780195082166; DOI: 10.1093/oso/9780195082166.001.0001
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Deci, Edward L.; Flaste, Richard (1996). Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation. Penguin Books; Reprint edition. ISBN-10: 0399140476
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Deutsch, Francine M. (1999) Having it All: How equally shared Parenting Works. Harvard University Press. ISBN-13: 9780674002098; APA Record: 1999-02127-000
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