Subjective Evaluations of Fault

When evaluating a partner’s skills, we’re often harsh, not affording the same generous exceptions we offer ourselves. Our subjective evaluations create greater conflict. When relationship problems arise, our biased mind quickly dodges responsibility by pointing to a non-self abrasive answer—it’s my partner’s fault.

After a slew of failed relationships, instead of conceding to our relating handicaps, we give a little, determining that we must lack judgment in choosing partners. Self-protection meddles with assessments, interfering by inviting menacing deceptions, and shirking the shame of insufficiency. Another relationship fails, we blame the partner, and move on to finding someone that shares our wondrous, magical skills of romantic genius.

A mismatch between reality and perception hinders constructive action, blurring our focus and misdirecting energy. We escape confusing complexities by blaming our partner and demand they fix it.

Our minds are complex. We must constantly stand guard. Conscious attention is necessary to discover some of the discrete maneuverings occurring behind the curtains of consciousness. Our own actions occasionally surprise us. In relationships, we add the workings of another complex being—the outcomes can be baffling.

Joint Responsibility for Relationship Success and Failure

Relationship failure or success is a joint effort, requiring skills and constant adjustments. Relationships are dynamic. They ebb and flow with the environment, gaining strength from communications, trust, and shared emotions. Too many deficiencies eventually slowly erode the bonds, leaving a couple ill prepared to navigate the inevitable more serious collisions that demand extra resources. We must build during times of happiness to have enough reserves to weather the bleaker moments.

Blaming our partners damage the relationship to protect our ego. Don and Martha Rosenthal emphasize the need to redirect this practice away from blame. They wrote, “those who explode in blame and anger need to find an alternative, less harmful outlets for their emotional intensity. They will also benefit from fully questioning the beliefs that lead them to blame others for their own pain” (Rosenthal & Rosenthal, 2016, p. 25).

Complexity and Relationships

Relationships are dynamic, each action (and reaction) mesh with the whole. A single act isn’t isolated. Intricately intertwined with past interactions—each communication and facial grimace conveys a message. We routinely encounter stories relayed from dissatisfied people narrating their personal horror, coloring their partner in evilness or stupidness and themselves as innocent victims. Usually large chunks of these stories are missing. We only see small pieces of the whole, unconsciously designed to create the picture the storyteller desires.

​The beleaguered sufferer can’t convey the complexity with a few words partly because they don’t see the complexity. They are lost in their simplified version of events that blames the partner.

A relationship weighted with messy histories will struggle, each new conflict is complicated by the weight of the past. Healing these strained connections is difficult. Even with improved skills, partners conditioned with hurtful pasts continue to misinterpret new behaviors. The fear of repeats from the past delivers the punch. We continue to react to these patterned interpretations, and then partners react to our interpretation of their reaction—and their reaction to our reaction, and around and around it goes.

Interactions may start with a simple comment, then the flow begins, the volley of information being passed back and forth with each partner often extracting an entirely different message. When connection is missing, partners feel unheard—not simply their words, but their feelings. The couple is physically together but each feeling alone.

We Can’t Forcibly Cure Our Partners

Taking personal responsibility and resisting the urge to blame our partner is essential, however, our partner’s willingness is also a prerequisite for change. Partners are not non-entities. The world, unfortunately, has narcissist, sociopaths and sadistic people; one of them, conceivably, could be sleeping in your bed. In these cases, improving relationship skills has a place; but with a different goal. Relationship skills won’t solve their beastly problems.

Our improved skills assist in creating a safer environment, avoiding dangerous confrontations, and eventually, perhaps, facilitating a necessary escape. Depending on the seriousness of a partner’s psychological ailments, escape may be the only path to intimacy (with someone else). It’s essential to establish a supporting cast of friends, family and professionals to free your selves from the torments of abuse.

Abusive  Relationships

​New relationships need time for discovery; narcissists, sociopaths, and sadists are masters of concealing their broken souls. They are also victims; but fixing them while in the relationship is nearly impossible. Their needs are too strong and attacks too cutting. The victim to abusive partners loses their individuality, constantly defending boundaries, and enduring painful attacks is exhausting. 

These emotionally devastating relationships our often endured in seclusion, shamed and alone. Many courageously endure the abuse for years, motivated by a fanciful hope for change. The victim stays in the nightmare and silently suffers. Even the emotionally strong can’t endure this unrelenting stress.

We need loving support, lengthy relationships with emotionally starved and abusive partners is destructive. Eventually, we give way to the strain, begin to doubt our emotions, behaviors, and memories, incurring damage to our souls—we become broken, as well. Avoiding these nasty relationships requires taking time, allowing for true natures to be exposed.

Partner Imperfections

All people have idiosyncrasies but most stumblings are manageable. Our partners, just like us, possess a unique mixture of strengths and weaknesses. When a relationship begins to sour, our pucker is often from intensified interpretations rather than actual changes in a partner’s character. Blaming our partner is easy; so we do it.

Most relationships that fail are a result of subtle and accumulating neglects. Failure several years after the joyous inception typically isn’t caused by a devilish conjuring of previously non-existent traits; but subtle changes and magnifying interpretations.

​Once bitter, our partner’s simple behaviors appear rude, selfish, mean-spirited, and evil only because we now label them as such. Our once dear partner becomes the enemy—at least in our own eyes (and emotional reactions), from our poisoned interpretations. From this position, we easily blame our partner for every failure in the relationship.

The occasional hurts accumulate, biasing future interpretations. Soon, with enough hurts, even positive behaviors elicit suspicion. When positive and neutral interactions are skeptically received and given a negative spin, the relationship has run its course, sorrow swallows the previous joys, and quaint memories of past romance fade as intimacy perilously falls into the throat of the beast. Anger, sadness, vindictiveness, defensiveness, and seclusion soon invade leaving a heart, family and soul in ruins.

See Imperfect Bonds for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Interdependence Theory: This concept is a cornerstone of social psychology. This theory explores the interconnected nature of relationships and the mutual influence among individuals. It offers insights into different types of interdependence, impacting behavior, satisfaction, and well-being within relationships.
• Negative Sentiment Override: This concept explains how perceptions of a partner can transform positively to negatively, affecting the health and durability of a relationship. Ensuring friendship processes work in a relationship can breed positive sentiment overrides, thus maintaining healthier bonds.
• Complicated Relationships: This often refers to relationships where one or both romantic partners have other romantic commitments outside of the relationship, making the status of the relationship complicated. However, the very nature of relationships, the collision of two complex systems, is complicated.
• Intersubjectivity Theory: This theory examines the interconnectedness of individual consciousnesses through shared experiences, influencing human relationships, culture, and identity.
• Self-Disclosure: This refer to the act of sharing personal information, essential in building trust and intimacy. Risks include manipulation and loss of privacy. Proper self-disclosure cultivates healthy relationships and emotional well-being.
• Attachment Styles: These are patterns of behavior in close relationships that develop in early childhood and continue into adulthood. They are influenced by the quality of the bond between an infant and their primary caregiver.
• Affection Exchange Theory: This theory proposed by Kory Floyd emphasizes the role of affectionate communication in forming and maintaining emotional bonds between individuals. It’s rooted in evolutionary biology and highlights the reciprocity of affectionate behaviors, promoting trust, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.

A Few Words From Psychology Fanatic

If your first reaction to relationship discomfort is: “this is excellent advice for my partner,” or “this does not pertain to me, my partner really is a good for nothing selfish @$%$$#%.” Look again. Probe a little deeper, examining your own soul. Perhaps you may discover that your personal assessment is skewed, misdirecting blame, and sidestepping responsibility.

Two people must be able to step up, take responsibility for their contributions to the success and failure of the relationship, discuss differences, and make resolutions to change. These constructive dialogues become the catalysts to change. We must shift from blaming the partner to blaming the complex situation and slowly discover ways to health.