The Science Behind Emotional Discomfort and Growth
We drift through life alert, seeking signals from the environment. We interact with the surrounding world and react. Our biological systems make key assessments to balance resources. We have unconscious expectations of the world. When experience registers as detrimental to safety, we feel emotional discomfort—or outright pain. The threat to our well-being knocks our assessments off kilter. We are out of balance. Our nice and ordered trajectory must be changed, demanding extra resources. How we respond to these moments determines whether we will growth or pull back.
Discomfort is due largely to a biological system that responds to the environment. The discomforting feeling motivates action to correct or adjust to return to a balanced feeling state—homeostasis. Negative emotions purposely strike hard enough to garner our attention. Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener, distinguished researchers in the science of happiness and subjective well-being, explain:
“Negative evaluations are essential to survival (that bitter leaf is also poisonous), and nowhere is this more true than in negative emotions. Emotions serve as a tracking system for experience, and provide a quick mental thumbs-up or -down that signals you to approach or avoid any given situation” (Kashdan & Biswas-Diener, 2015).
Key Definition:
Emotional discomfort refers to the state of being emotionally uneasy or distressed. It is a subjective experience that may include feelings such as anxiety, sadness, tension, restlessness, or unease. Emotional discomfort can arise from various sources, such as challenging life events, conflicts, unresolved issues, or unmet emotional needs.
Emotional Discomfort is Good
Flashes of emotional discomfort is good because it warns of something bad. Something in our interaction with the environment is out of whack. However, sometimes what is out of whack is our interpretation of what is going on, not the situation itself. Other times, our built in emotional warning system is right on, pointing out a potential danger or approaching threat. In each case, adjustments can be made, either internally or externally.
Emotional discomfort is a survival mechanism. It warns of dangers and signals upcoming threats to our basic needs. Christopher Germer, Ph.D., a renowned clinical psychologist and Harvard Medical School instructor that specializes in the practice of mindfulness and self-compassion, wrote:
“Human beings are not built for happiness; we’re built for survival. Those of us with uncommunicative limbic systems probably did not live to see another day. The limbic system signals us to resist and avoid physical discomfort at every turn. Unfortunately, it does the same for emotional discomfort. We need a substantial intellectual override— activation of the neocortex—to teach our limbic system that resisting emotional pain is counterproductive” (Germer, 2009).
It’s not the discomfort that is the enemy. Quite often it is our response that is destructive. In our new age drive for continual comfort, we go to war against the emotion rather than the elements causing the discomfort. This reactionary response is largely unconscious. We blindly dodge responsibility, avoiding facts, and angrily demand more out of life. We live in a false reality in the shallow depths of an unfulfilled life.
Emotional Discomfort and Self Development
Often the emotional signal suggests a deficit between a challenge and our resources. We fear we will fail. Basically, we compound the discomfort. We have the original threat causing the discomfort and we compound it with our anxiety. Naturally, we want to relive the discomfort. Our first reaction is to kill the emotion without examining the situation that is causing our arousal.
Gregg Krech, leading author and specialist in Morita therapy and Japanese psychology, wrote:
“When we find ourselves in situations that stimulate emotional discomfort, we immediately look to escape from the discomfort just as if it was summer heat or winter cold. We often use one of three strategies: Avoidance, Resignation or Complaining” (Krech, 2014).
Sometimes our diligence to quite the alarm leads overlooks the warning. We soothe the discomfort without dealing with the event. When We find our path is discomforting, we about face and find a more comforting destination.
Kashdan and Biswas-Diener warn:
“Unless you open yourself to unwelcome negative feelings, you will miss out on important opportunities to wield some of life’s most useful tools. If you fall prey to the temptation to constantly search for something positive to grab on to in hopes of eliminating, hiding, or concealing negative emotions, you will lose in the game of life. You cannot get rid of the negative emotions without unintentionally squelching happiness, meaning, grit, curiosity, maturity, wisdom, and personal growth. Choose to numb the negatives and you numb the positives too” (Kashdan & Biswas-Diener, 2015).
A Better Relationship with Discomfort
Most of us would do well to improve our relationship with discomfort. Instead of squirm and disdain the warning signals, we should pause and examine, seeking the cause of the pain. Perhaps, looking a little deeper than finding the first salient person or event to point at and blame. It is our poor relationship with discomfort that motivates quick responses that may poison our futures and limit personal growth.
The more we struggle with the discomfort, the more trouble we create. Russ Harris, leading medical practitioner and expert on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), suggests we imagine there is a struggle switch in the back of our minds.
He goes on to explain:
“When it is switched on, it means we are going to struggle against any physical or emotional pain that comes our way, whatever discomfort we experience, we’ll see it as a problem and try hard to get rid of it or avoid it. Suppose the emotion that shows up is anxiety. If our struggle switch is on, than that feeling is completely unacceptable. So we could end up with anger about our anxiety, or guilt about our anxiety, or Anxiety about our anxiety. We might even experience a mixture of all these feelings at once. All these secondary emotions are unpleasant, unhelpful, and a drain on our energy and vitality” (Harris, 2022).
Perhaps, instead of crying, screaming, and cursing life over discomfort emotions. We welcome them, listen to their warning and respond with wisdom. Or as many disciplines teach, we can take the emotional discomfort “under advisement.”
Mindful Acceptance and Reflection
Mindful awareness of discomfort is not forcing discomfort to be pleasant; but rather, allowing it to exist.
Mark Williams, Jon Kabat-Zinn and their colleagues wrote that through mindful acceptance:
“We begin to see unpleasant experiences for what they are: passing mental events—bundles of bodily sensations, feelings and thoughts. As best we can, we greet them with a sense of interest and curiosity, rather than with a sense of unease, hatred and dread. We welcome them in as they are already here anyway” (Williams et al., 2012, p. 150).
Our bodies warns and we withdraw, trying to escape the discomfort. Germer wrote that the “limbic system” signals us to resist and “avoid physical discomfort at every turn.” Unfortunately, it does the same for “emotional discomfort.” We need a “substantial intellectual override— activation of the neocortex—to teach our limbic system that resisting emotional pain is counterproductive” (Germer, 2009).
With a better relationship with the discomfort, the emotion is less frightening. We can examine the warning with curiosity, seeking wisdom.
Insightful reflection, drawing upon facts, pulls us towards realities. As a result, we discover aspects about ourselves by delving deeper into discomforting interactions with the world. From a point of safety, self-knowledge can instruct. We address weakness and compassionately accept limitations. But when experience threatens, we prefer escape. Hating the emotional discomfort, we avoid self-knowledge, cover our eyes and pretend to be something we are not.
A Secure Base
We can’t just haphazardly endure pain. We need an intimate knowledge we are safe. This is why defense mechanisms are so hideous. And consequently, through defense mechanisms, we lose contact with reality. From attachment theory, researchers discovered the importance of a secure base. A secure base is an emotionally safe place where we are protected. For most, this is home. However, some live in toxic environments where abuse threatens physical and emotional security.
If we have no place of safety, we fight emotional discomforts in our mind. We enact mechanisms to diffuse the emotional discomfort. Defensive mechanisms often spill over into many areas of our lives. For some, any sign of imperfection, sets off the alarms, emotional discomforts arouse defensive reactions, and they scramble to cover their blemish.
See Secure Base for more on this topic
Associated Concepts
- Frustration-Aggression Hypothesis: This theory suggests that frustration often leads to aggressive behavior. When individuals are blocked from achieving a goal or fulfilling a need, it can generate a state of frustration, which in turn increases the likelihood of aggressive responses.
- Pleasure Principle: This concept developed by Sigmund Freud proposes that the pleasure principle is the instinctual drive that seeks immediate gratification of basic needs and desires. It suggests that the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain is the primary motivation for our behaviors.
- Allostatic Load: This concept refers to the wear and tear on the body caused by chronic or repeated stress
- Homeostasis: This concept refers to the body’s attempt to maintain a stable internal environment. During the resistance stage, the body tries to return to homeostasis despite the ongoing stress.
- Toxic Stress: Prolonged exposure to stressors can lead to the exhaustion stage, where the body’s resources are depleted, potentially causing health issues.
- Pleasure-Arousal-Dominance Model: This model of emotions is a psychological framework that aims to describe and measure emotional states based on three key dimensions: pleasure-displeasure, arousal-nonarousal, and dominance-submissiveness.
- General Adaptation Syndrome: This model, also known as GAS, is a term used to describe the body’s response to stress. It was first described by Hans Selye, a pioneering endocrinologist, who identified a common physiological response to various stressors.
- Stress and Coping Theory: This theory, developed by Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman, suggests that individuals experience stress when they perceive a discrepancy between the demands of a situation and their perceived ability to cope with those demands.
A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic
We can improve our relationship with discomfort, constructively responding to difficult experience with resilience. Above all, we can limit pain through measured reasoning, relying on accumulating information. Our interactions with experience provide a wealth of information to carefully examine. Through purposeful thought, giving attention to reality, we can unveil hidden biases and protective justifications. If we can stomach the emotional discomfort of our humanness, we become aware of felt experience, observing our mental activity, reactionary defenses, and associated external triggers. As I have noted, by taking personal inventory, past experience becomes more accessible.
​We can sort through associations, extracting wisdom from the past. Thereafter, purposeful thought brings out hidden patterns to consciousness, exposing the selfishness of the ego, shining light on clandestine activities.
We don’t need to manipulate the felt experience of living, pretending each moment is a foray into a field of daisies. Some experiences are discomforting. Only through facing discomfort can we gather enough wisdom to better our lives, improving realities, and prepare for futures.
Last updated: December 6, 2025
References:
Germer, Christopher (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. The Guilford Press; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 1593859759; APA Record: 2009-09433-000
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Harris, Russ (2022). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living (Second Edition). Shambhala. ISBN-10: 1645471160; APA Record: 2008-00854-000
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Kashdan, Todd, Biswas-Diener, Robert (2015) The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self–Not Just Your “Good” Self–Drives Success and Fulfillment. Plume; Reprint edition. ISBN-10: 0147516447
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Krech, Gregg (2014). The Art of Taking Action: Lessons from Japanese Psychology. ToDo Institute Books. ISBN-10: 0982427387
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Williams, Mark G.; Kabat-Zinn, Jon; Teasdale, John; Segal, Zindel, and Teasdale, John D. (2012). The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness. The Guilford Press. ISBN-10: 1593851286; APA Record: 2007-10791-000
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