The Art of Emotional Communication

I struggle with emotional communication. I change topics when broaching difficult territory. Not purposely—I just smoothly switch to a safer topic. “So, how’s the weather over there?” I discovered this personality tick several years ago. I was oblivious to one of my own intimacy-hindering behaviors. I’m sure I’ll discover others—or be informed of other self-imposed barriers. Awareness of the problem didn’t automatically solve the obstruction; it actually magnified the discomfort. Instead of a ready escape, with awareness, I was forced to stay with the uncomfortable conversations. Changing the topic, my adaptation to soothe discomfort, is only one route of many to alleviate unpleasant feelings. There are many ways to calm the disruptions—many unhealthy. 

Facing Emotional Discomfort Together

While adaptations have varying degrees of dysfunction and utility, many fail to resolve the underlying issue. We will always encounter occasional discomforting exchanges. The larger role a person plays in our life, the more importance we place on disagreements. Discomfort naturally flows when information signals trouble; we can address the discomfort together, discussing the issue, or blindly find relief through escapisms. By facing the discomfort, instead of recoiling and withdrawing, we coordinate differences, build bridges, and establish safety.

Emotional Communication and Intimacy

Emotional communication is necessary for intimacy. Partners never bond through stoic indifference. When a relationship encounters opposing views, it’s threatening, the disagreement shakes security—rejection often begins with differences.

Young adults often suffer from deficits in problem resolution. Households with dominating parents demand obedience, undermining the development of difference-solving skills. A child expressing an opinion different than his dominating parents quickly learns of the danger, internalizing the lesson, and braces for swift and painful reactions to individualism.

Communication Patterns

​These exchanges stamps patterns on the soul, memories stored at the cellular level. Later, when similar encounters are experienced in adult relationships, the body recalls the past with memories of painful punishments or rejections, and the blood pressure rises, the heart speeds up, and vision narrows—a protective mode activates. We’re physiological ready for battle! These physiological responses are appropriate for confronting a threatening intruder; not typically best for resolving differences with a lover. The escape or attack (from our agitated state) sabotages closeness.

During emotional communication the arousal leaves imprints on our soul more than any other communications. Heightened emotion stores surrounding events as significant. Perhaps, this is what Eckhart Tolle is referring to when he speaks of our pain body. But joy is also a heightened emotion which also stores in our memory.

Heightened discomfort during relationship disagreements, followed by healthy resolution, and appropriate repair, creates a pattern of security and trust. These patterns lesson the anguish surrounding conflict.

Emotional Communication and Internal Working Models

John Bowlby suggests that we form internal working models of attachment during childhood. These models create the framework for understanding attachment information in adulthood. While these models are resilient, amazingly stubborn to change, they are influenced by heightened emotions.

Diana Fosha explains, “emotion is an organizing force in working models rather than an outcome of them.” She adds that “working models are formed, elaborated, maintained, and…revised through emotional communication” (Fosha, 2009). While emotional disagreements create discomfort, they are opportunities for healing past wounds. Perhaps, this is why John Gottman refers to them as “sliding door” moments. Communicating during arousal can build or destroy relationships (Gottman, 2011).

See Internal Working Models for more on this topic

What is Our Long Term Relationship Goal?

What’s the goal? Do we want to build security or escape momentary discomfort? By working through differences, we learn emotional exchanges don’t necessarily threaten relationship stability; but, when expertly handled, strengthen the connection. Differences can exist in healthy relationships. All partnerships have differences to address. The durability of the relationship doesn’t demand perfect agreement. The success of a couple rests on the individuals’ abilities to work through differences while still providing love and acceptance.

Relationships thrive through positive interactions. When differences are encountered, whether the difference is solved or not, both partners can emerge from the emotional encounter with dignity, feeling respected, loved and secure. Conversely, when a difference is resolved but one or both partners leave the negotiation miffed, devalued or ignored, the relationship is weakened. Mindful attention to these interactions, noticing bodily changes during the engagements, invites opportunity for change, purposeful action directed towards long-term goals—strengthening the relationship instead of winning an argument.

Emotion Regulation

Once we identify an emotional upheaval, we can address the cause rather than run from them, staying with the discomfort, and practicing self-soothing so we can also attune to our partner’s feelings, focusing on the goal of intimacy. Together couples can assist in regulating each others emotions. We refer to this as dyadic regulation.

When blind to emotions, our automatic priority is to escape takes priority, and we blindly dismiss our partner’s feelings in our desperate drive for relief. Accordingly, when we rudely ignore their message, we corrupt communications, widening disconnection, and dig a chasm that ultimately destroys the relationship.

When ignored, our partner doesn’t feel felt. We missed “a sliding door” moment for connection, leaving all involved feeling misunderstood and insecure. To encourage growth and trust, we must face, rather than escape discomforting moments. Listening to partners, hearing their feelings, and appreciating who they are, resolves hurt and creates connection more than any heated exchange of words or sly change of topics. In psychology, we refer to this as emotional validation.

See Emotional Validation for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Relationships Drama: These relationships to patterns of interpersonal conflicts, disagreements, or emotional turmoil within a romantic relationship or between partners. This can encompass a wide range of issues such as jealousy, insecurity, communication breakdowns, infidelity, or differing expectations, all of which can lead to heightened emotions and tension within the relationship.
• Conflict Resolution: This refers to the skills and willingness to artfully face and resolve conflict in an adaptive way.
• Emotional Attunement: This refers to the ability to understand, be aware of, and be responsive to another person’s emotions. It involves being in tune with someone else’s feelings, and being able to empathize and connect with them on an emotional level.
• Attachment Theory: This is a psychological framework that helps explain how human beings form emotional bonds and connections with others, particularly in early childhood.
• Fear of Abandonment: this refers to the overwhelming fear that others will leave you both physically or emotionally. The fear motivates unhealthy bonding behaviors that sometimes motivates the feared abandoning.
• Emotional Flooding: This process, also known as emotional overwhelm, occurs when intense emotions overwhelm a person, hindering clear thinking and rational action. It can impair decision-making, disrupt relationships, and lead to maladaptive behaviors.
• Emotional Discomfort: This is an important concept in psychology. It is strongly correlated with motivation. Emotional discomfort refers to the state of being emotionally uneasy or distressed. It is a subjective experience that may include feelings such as anxiety, sadness, tension, restlessness, or unease.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

In conclusion, effective communication during heightened emotions is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and resolving conflicts. By understanding the importance of self-awareness, active listening, and empathy, we can navigate emotional waters more skillfully. Remember, it’s okay to take a break when emotions are running high.

By practicing these techniques and fostering a supportive environment, we can transform emotional challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. Let’s strive to communicate with compassion, understanding, and respect, creating a world where emotions are valued and expressed freely.

Last Update: December 4, 2025

References:

Fosha, Diana (2009). Emotion and Recognition at Work Energy, Vitality, Pleasure, Truth, Desire & The Emergent Phenomenology of Transformational Experience. Diana Fosha and Daniel J. Siegel (eds.), In The Healing Power of Emotion: Affective Neuroscience, Development & Clinical Practice. W. W. Norton & Company; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 039370548X; APA Record: 2009-20446-000
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Gottman, John M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company; Illustrated edition. ISBN-10: 0393707407; APA Record: 2011-06848-000
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