Emotional Regulation: Understanding and Harnessing the Power of Emotions

Underneath our skin and flowing through our veins is enormous energy; vast waves of feeling traveling through our bodies and brains. Armies of neurons continuously fire, sending and receiving information in responses to life events. The trillions of small episodes become the miracle of life. Only a minute fraction of these internal movements breakthrough into consciousness. The immeasurable parts and pieces engaging in the larger organisms’ fight for survival aren’t always harmonious. We experience these flows of energy as emotion. Left alone, emotions may mislead. However, through emotional regulation, we may draw from their wisdom while limiting their destructiveness when overwhelmed.

​We feel something and then integrate the feeling into graspable language. Sometimes with peaceful and happy explanations other times quite disturbing. When felt experience derails, creating chaos, and colliding with logic, we stumble in disorder. For the demands of stability, we must slow the runaway power of dysregulated emotion and regain control experience.

Introduction: Processing the Ups and Downs of Life

Emotional regulation encompasses a wide range of strategies and techniques that individuals employ to effectively cope with their emotional experiences. This process is essential for allowing people to respond adaptively to various situations, ensuring their actions align with personal goals and values. By mastering the art of emotional regulation, individuals can navigate through challenging circumstances with greater ease. This skill not only enhances one’s ability to maintain healthy relationships but also promotes overall well-being by fostering resilience in the face of adversity.

Consider the example of a grown man who punched his girlfriend’s eleven-year-old son in the eye and then proclaimed to the responding officer, “I had no choice.” In this distressing situation, it appears that he was attempting to rationalize his violent behavior as a consequence of overwhelming emotions that clouded his judgment. Such instances highlight how powerful emotions can sway decision-making processes, leading individuals down destructive paths when they lack proper emotional regulation skills. The inability to manage intense feelings may provoke impulsive reactions rather than thoughtful responses, illustrating how crucial it is for individuals to develop methods for regulating their emotions effectively.

Ancient philosophers have long debated the nature of emotion; many viewed it as an unwelcome remnant from our more primitive past. For instance, Plato’s chariot metaphor suggests that within each individual exists a struggle between two opposing forces: reason and emotion. While these competing drives may seem at odds with one another, contemporary psychological research indicates that emotions play an indispensable role in human functioning. Rather than being mere distractions or hindrances, emotions serve vital purposes by guiding actions based on environmental cues and internal states. Understanding this dynamic interplay between emotion and rational thought allows us to appreciate the importance of developing effective emotional regulation skills in order to lead fulfilling lives while staying true to our core values.

Do Emotions and Rational Thought Compete?

The chariot metaphor portrays conflicting drives of emotion and rational thought. But emotions and thought are not singular (nor are they disconnected); each composed of their own minions, conflicting and fighting. Modern science broadens our understanding with complexity. Our conscious capacity is too finite to comprehend the massive contributors leading to action. Feelings are much more than an unruly horse that we should tame with logical thought.

​The internal pushes of feeling are necessary. Our logical minds would sift endlessly through mounds of information, never settling on appropriate action without the gentle (sometimes powerful) inclinations to act one way over another. Our internal rumblings are not chaotic. Emotion is adaptive. We are biologically structured to respond to the environment. As we observe life around us, feelings charge through our being with varying tones, dynamics and intensities to motivate action. Susan David describes our observations as “billions of bits of sensory information” (David, 2016).

Perhaps, instead of two opposing horses pulling our chariot, we are driven by a band of feral horses. All the horses are wild, yet remain in a herd, coordinating and responding to each other as they work towards a shared goal of survival. None of the horses are necessarily good or bad, just performing different functions, responding to cues, absorbing ‘the billions of bits’ of information (from within and without) and then communicating perceived dangers and opportunities to the group.

Emotions and Human Adaptations

In response to the complexities of their environments, organisms have evolved a myriad of adaptive strategies. Daniel Goleman explains that, “Revolutionary advances allowed an animal to be much smarter in its choices for survival, and to fine-tune its responses to adapt to changing demands rather than having invariable and automatic reactions” (Goleman, 2005). Lisa Feldman Barrett notes that animals are “adapted to the ecological niche that they live in” (Barrett, 2018).

Humans, in particular, developed an advanced cognitive tool: consciousness. This unique ability allows us to sort through vast amounts of information and make sense of our experiences. Central to this process is the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain that has expanded significantly throughout human evolution. It is responsible for what we refer to as executive functions—cognitive processes such as decision-making, problem-solving, planning, and impulse control. While these abilities are often celebrated for their role in facilitating rational thought and self-regulation, they do not provide a universal solution to all life’s challenges.

Indeed, while consciousness has empowered humans with remarkable capabilities, it also introduces new layers of complexity into our lives. The very awareness that distinguishes us can lead to increased anxiety and overthinking as we grapple with potential outcomes and ethical dilemmas. Moreover, this heightened level of cognition complicates emotional regulation; individuals may become overwhelmed by conflicting thoughts and feelings rather than finding clarity or resolution.

If you’re uncertain about the intricacies involved in these cognitive-emotional dynamics, consider exploring psychological literature like the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which outlines various mental health conditions stemming from difficulties associated with executive functioning and emotional dysregulation. Such resources illuminate how our evolved consciousness can be both a blessing and a burden in navigating life’s multifaceted challenges.

See Executive Functions for more on this topic

Rational Thought and Emotion

Rational thought often serves emotions rather than controls them. Basically, rational thought is a misnomer. Consciousness often thrives on irrational thought; justifying, explaining and misinterpreting events, and then bending reality to excuse inappropriate or irrational actions. Our thinking brain often compounds problems with faulty adaptations rather than smartly finding the best answer.

We swing first; and then mediate the stupidity with a convoluted story that explains the necessity of punching a child in the face. “You see, I had no choice. You would have done the same thing.” We are irrational beings.

Brendan Ozawa-de Silva, Ph.D., wrote that emotional regulation is a strategy of agency. He explains that “by redirecting our attention to something else (intentionally distracting ourselves), by reframing our appraisal of the situation (trying to see things from a different perspective), or by taking a step back and noticing what is going on instead of being caught up in the moment (meta-awareness, or often called mindfulness), we can change our emotional response” (Miller-Karas, 2015).

Life is unpredictable. Whether armed with consciousness or not, animals and humans miss cues and overlook dangers. Our biological apparatus is not a disaster; it serves us well. We’ve existed for millions of years in hostile environments. The biological guidance system works. While emotions and conscious thought may collide, they’re effective enough for survival and even wellness—sometimes they magnificently work together, other times they act more like quarrelsome siblings, poking and pinching while they continue to work towards a common goal.

See Emotional Guidance System for more on this concept

Are Emotions Necessary?

We can’t operate without feeling. Antonio Damasio argues, “The first device, emotion, enabled organisms to respond effectively but not creatively to a number of circumstances conducive or threatening to life” (Damasio, 2003). Rollo May suggests that creative response is formulated when there is a pause between stimulus and response. In his fabulous book Freedom and Destiny, May adds, “Freedom is the capacity to pause in the face of stimuli from many directions at once and, in this pause, to throw one’s weight toward this response rather than that one” (May, 1981). In the pause, we discover the freedom. We actually have a choice.

Many feelings (stimuluses) battle for dominancy. The strongest forcibly draws our attention. At this juncture, after the feeling, we must insert a pause. The feeling brings a message, not a command. We shouldn’t ignore these messages; they contain valuable information; but the message, however, isn’t necessarily rallying for the most appropriate action. The message is being relayed only by one horse in the herd of many. We need to consider other ‘bits and pieces’ of information, receiving guidance from those messages too.

Life is messy and so is the process of mashing feeling and thought into a unified order. Organizing the varieties of emotion is like stacking rocks of various sizes and shapes, not assembling perfectly uniform bricks. The piles of our lives will not resemble perfection; but certainly, the piles signify the presence of purposeful labor.

Emotions Necessary for Flourishing

A flourishing life isn’t experiencing through a few tidy emotions. A full range of emotion is optimal—including some negative feelings; discomforting emotions are not maladaptive. Negative feelings may signal to stop, slow down, or adapt. The healthiest people integrate many emotions into serviceable piles. The emotions—nice and naughty—participate in a health dance with external events. The biology of our bodies respond to situational demands, adapting and organizing the incoming data, marking memories for future retrieval.

Some feelings are discomforting, even downright nasty. In the throes of powerful emotion, our biological system is thrown into a tizzy, impatient and anxious for escape. The first impulse is to regulate the emotion by giving into the demands; run from the fear, fight with anger, hide in sadness or retort in sharpness. Sometimes these responses are appropriate; running from the bear, fighting the intruder, and pulling back in grief. But other times, the immediate reaction is destructive; we miss opportunities, harm a loved one, or stew in loneliness.

Goals and Emotional Regulation

A key component of healthy regulation is a functional relationship between the emotions and the immediate event in the context of more important goals (Cole et al., 1994). We must evaluate if the emotion meets situational demands and leads to larger life objectives. When honest evaluation uncovers misaligned actions, we have work to do.

Emotional messages can be obnoxious, loud and demanding. Many people have adverse relationships to these feelings. The waves of energy commandeer attention and disable cognitive functions. Instead of healthy regulating of emotion, they respond in dysfunctional ways. The dysregulated feelings clash, fight and destroy.

Emotional Regulation Creates Order

Healthy emotional regulation creates order from the complexity of felt experience (the pile of rocks type of order, not the stacked bricks). We absorb energy from surroundings, and should react by imitating, maintaining, and modulating the intensity and expression of the feelings (Shaw & Starr, 2019) We lasso in the bubbling feelings, utilizing the energy to effectively respond to ongoing demands. Healthy responses draw upon a wide range of emotions and are expressed in socially tolerable ways, maintaining sufficient flexibility to permit delay or modification of a spontaneous reaction (Masters et al., 2019).

Uninhibited expressions may be ignorant and selfish. We claim the freedom to ‘be ourselves,’ suggesting true friends should accept us as we are; but then explode when others express their concern on how our uninhibited expressions made them feel. We must take some responsibility for the emotional impact of our words and actions. If we want others to be sensitive to us; then we should be sensitive to others. We can be sensitive while still maintaining our individuality.

Emotional Regulation Can Be Healthy or Unhealthy

We regulate emotions in both healthy and unhealthy forms. Defense mechanisms are emotional regulators. They soothe emotions. Sometimes a mechanism will relieve pressure, allowing space to operate, getting back to the business of living. Other times, however, the defense is an escape, preventing growth, harming relationships, and destroying futures. We must learn to differentiate between healthy and maladaptive defenses.

See Defense Mechanisms for more on this topic

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Dysregulated emotions are not unregulated emotions. When our patterns of regulating emotions jeopardizes or impairs functioning, we disrupt tasks necessary for development. Our impairment then contributes to faulty adjustments. Our emotions are dysregulated, and our lives pay a heavy price.

Dysregulated emotions interfere with functioning in three basic ways: we emotionally react to things most people wouldn’t react to, our emotions are more intense than situations warrant, and once emotions are aroused, it takes longer to recover (van Dijk, 2012, p. 2).

The dysregulation is a disconnection between consciousness, external events and emotional experience (Gill et al., 2019). This disconnection confuses interpretations, muddling data, and inviting cognitive justifications to explain the chaos. We misdiagnose, deny and suppress emotions to achieve some balance to the chaotic mess of the internal battles between disconnected forces. When confusion and helplessness surround emotion, we perceive emotions as negative.

See Dysregulated Emotions for more on this topic

Four Dimensions of Emotional Regulation

​In 2004, Kim Gratz and Lizabeth Roemer proposed four dimensions of emotional regulation and dysregulation:

1. Awareness of emotions
2. Acceptance of emotions
3. Ability to control impulsive behaviors and behave in accordance with desired goals when experiencing negative emotions
4. Ability to use situational appropriate emotional regulation strategies flexibly to modulate emotional responses in order to meet individual goals (Gratz, 2004).

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They further suggest that absence or deficit in any of these abilities indicate the presence of emotion dysregulation (Gratz, 2004). Gratz and Roemer’s four dimensions of emotional regulation and dysregulation correlate nicely with Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s (DBT) four sets of skills necessary for wellness and healing (van Dijk, 2012).

Our patterns of regulating, although strongly influenced by individual biology and family learning, are not unchangeable. We can challenge automatic reactions that interfere with emotional development. Understanding Gratz and Roemer’s four-dimensions provide an effective framework for improving faulty regulation styles.

Awareness and Acceptance of Emotion

​Gratz and Roemer’s first two dimensions of awareness and acceptance are also key elements of mindfulness. We can’t reorganize the faulty functioning of a dysregulated system when we have a strained relationship with emotions. Our internal conflict hampers integration. Suppressed and despised emotions never heal.

One of Daniel Siegel’s clients (Anne) had an emotionally defunct childhood. She resolved early in life to never feel again—life was too painful. She figuratively severed communication between her body and mind.

“Here’s the basic problem: The conditions Anne experienced as a child—the painful loss of her mother and grandparents, her new family’s neglect and harshness—no longer existed. She had adapted as best she could, but she’d had no support to help her resolve her losses—then or now. So her adaptation, which initially gave her strength and enabled her to move forward in her life, actually had come to imprison her” (Siegel, 2010).

Blindness to emotional sensations impedes development. Emotion connects organisms to their environments. The conscious mind needs this input to effectively function. We are emotional theorist. We create theories from the flow of emotion, seeking internal and external events to account for our feeling (Gill et al., 2019). When emotion is not felt, the logical mind is limited, losing essential information to evaluate experience. Without emotion, we can’t effectively weigh the impact of an event on our wellness. Our logical computations are constrained by missing facts, leading to illogical answers.

Suppression of Emotion

​While dousing emotional flames has some adaptive qualities, the “truncation of emotionality… has serious long term consequences for adult functioning” (Cole et al., 1994). By making valuable emotions inaccessible, we dysregulated a biological process, hampering adult development. We lose valuable guidance cues. Anne discovered that to live the life she desired she had to reconnect to her emotions. “What seemed to be missing was the sense of energy and engagement that can give even ordinary experience richness, depth, and meaning” (Siegel, 2010).

Blocking emotion is a survival response, creating space from tragic experiences. “To survive the intense emotions and generalized distress that they experience, many children seem to cut off from sensations, blunt the experience, and absent the sensations and emotions from consciousness (Cole &Putnam, 1992). Victims create space by suppressing devastating sensations from consciousness. The hidden emotions still exist, but operate unnoticed, dysregulated and disorganizing.

Suppressing Emotions and Physical Illness

Physician and award winning author, Gabor Maté, argues that we become susceptible to disease when we suppress emotions from awareness.

He wrote:

“Repression—dissociating emotions from awareness and relegating them to the unconscious realm—disorganizes and confuses our physiological defenses so that in some people these defenses go awry, becoming the destroyers of health rather than its protectors” (Maté, 2008).

Bessel van der Kolk, Professor of psychiatry and director of the National Complex Trauma Treatment Network, has dedicated his career to research on the impact of trauma on the human psyche. He wrote in his best selling book, The Body Keeps Score, that “as long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. Hiding your core feelings takes an enormous amount of energy, it saps your motivation to pursue worthwhile goals, and it leaves you feeling bored and shut down” (van der Kolk, 2015).

Simply stated, and scientifically supported, is the fact that by suppressing emotions, we injure our mental and physical health, and these lacerations to our wellbeing cast long dark shadows onto our futures.

Mindfulness As an Emotional Regulation Technique

Mindfulness brings lost emotions back into awareness. We can suppress conscious experience of feeling, but our bodies continue to react to the emotion. The energy still exists. It still flows through our veins and motivate action. We just lack awareness of the process. Our blind adherence to emotion creates the need for illogical justifications. We think we’re logical while acting like an idiot.

Sherri Van Dijk explains:

“Mindfulness is about living in the present moment with awareness and with acceptance; what this means in terms of emotion dysregulation is that you learn to become aware of your personal experience, including your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, giving you the opportunity to make changes in any of these areas” (van Dijk, 2012, p. 5).

Mindfulness Creates a Pause

Mindfulness creates Rollo May’s ‘pause’—the space between stimulus and response. We can acknowledge emotion, without being driven to react. Perhaps, for a moment, we don’t need to regulate the feeling, just witness it, giving time for the beauty to unfold. With a mindful approach, we learn that the emotions are not dangerous. They come and go. Eventually, our need to escape softens. And maybe, most importantly, our negative perceptions of emotions diminish. We delighted in our feeling experience.

Many emotions are painful but as long we understand them, we can resonate with their purpose, and allow ourselves to experience the feeling before moving on.

For more information on mindfulness practices:

• Mindful Breathing
• Resting by Simply Being
• The Joy of Being

See Psychology of Mindfulness for more on this topic

Controlling Impulsive Behaviors

The third dimension of Gratz and Roemer’s model is the ability to control impulsive behaviors and behave in line with desired goals.

Not every emotion pushes towards life objectives. Human motivation is rife with conflict. Evolution can’t keep pace with modern demands. The body is programed for survival in ancient conditions. Our bodies warn of dangers or signaling safety when wisdom suggests otherwise.

Impulsivity is emotionally reactive. It is expressed in disastrous finances, unmitigated violence and broken relationships. Impulsive behaviors exchange the future for the measly rewards of immediate gratification. We sell our birthright for a bowl of porridge. No longer can we gamble. We can’t just react; we must choose how to act, occasionally, putting on the brakes to slow the motion, and create a pause. The self-discipline to pause is essential for healthy regulation. Instead of bowing to internal calls for action, we stop and examine and sometime adjust.

See Impulsivity for more on this topic

Self -Discipline and Emotional Regulation

Self-discipline is the exercise of freedom over internal and external forces. We may discover that many instances are too powerful. Instead of an unwinnable battle, we need novel and creative solutions. We may find success with practices of distress tolerance or planned escapes to mitigate chronic stress. However, self-discipline isn’t forcing action against impossible odds. Chiefly, self-discipline is redirecting efforts in a manner likely to succeed. In other words, self-discipline is a form of emotional regulation.

In the classic The Art of War, the great fifth century Chinese military strategist Sun Tzu provides helpful guidance. He provided five essentials for victory. These essentials are applicable to everyday life. Specifically, the first two. First, Sun Tzu promises that “He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.” Sun Tzu continues, “He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces” (Tzu, 2007, p. 6). Basically, self-discipline isn’t strength in the traditional sense but utilizing strength with wisdom.

Situation Appropriate Strategies

​The ability to use situational appropriate emotional regulation strategies flexibly to modulate emotional responses in order to meet individual goals, Gratz and Roemer’s fourth dimension of emotional regulation, depends on the other dimensions of awareness, acceptance and self-discipline. We utilize the motivating forces of emotion effectively only with knowledge of ourselves in contextual relation to the interfering obstacle.

​We first must know ourselves through awareness and acceptance; second, we must have a clear vision of the challenge; then we can respond wisely to accomplish important life objectives. Basically, healthy regulation is knowing who we are, where we are going, and when the internal emotional pushes are appropriate in relation to the current circumstances. When these pieces are in place, we benefit from the power of emotion. Consequently, we experience emotional richness, glory in its complexity, give honor to its power; but wisely guide these emotions towards living a life we wish to live.

Associated Concepts

• Allostatic Load: This refers to the chronic stress-induced wear and tear on the body, disrupting our ability to maintain balance and increasing vulnerability to health issues. Frequent stress, failure to shut down stress responses, and inadequate stress response contribute to allostatic load.
• Cognitive Reappraisal: This is a technique used to manage emotions by reframing or rethinking a situation. By altering perception, individuals can improve emotional regulation and cope with challenging circumstances.
• Self-Regulation: This refers to the ability to manage and control one’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in order to achieve personal goals and adapt to various situations. It involves processes such as impulse control, emotional regulation, and the ability to focus attention, make decisions, and persist in tasks.
• Executive Functions: These refer to a set of cognitive processes that are responsible for managing and controlling other cognitive abilities. These functions involve tasks such as problem-solving, decision-making, planning, organizing, and impulse control.
• Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD): This is a condition primarily diagnosed in children and adolescents. It is characterized by severe and recurrent temper outbursts that are out of proportion to the situation and developmentally inappropriate.
• Dyadic Regulation: This regulation involves mutual influence on each other’s emotions and support in close relationships. It begins in mother-infant bonds and continues throughout life. Emotional attunement, validation, partner buffering, and limiting negative affect are key techniques in dyadic regulation.
• Emotional Flooding: This concept, also known as emotional overwhelm, occurs when intense emotions overwhelm a person, hindering clear thinking and rational action. It can impair decision-making, disrupt relationships, and lead to maladaptive behaviors.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

In conclusion, emotional regulation stands as a cornerstone of psychological well-being, influencing every facet of our lives from personal relationships to professional success. By mastering the art of managing our emotions, we not only enhance our mental health but also unlock the potential for greater resilience, empathy, and overall life satisfaction. As we continue to explore and refine techniques for emotional regulation, we pave the way for a more balanced, fulfilling existence. Embracing these strategies, we can transform emotional challenges into opportunities for growth, fostering a deeper connection with ourselves and those around us. Ultimately, the journey of emotional regulation is one of self-discovery and empowerment, guiding us toward a more harmonious and enriched life.

Last Update: December 26, 2025

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