What is Feeling Felt?

In our most intimate relationships, we seek confidence in belonging. We want to be both understood and accepted. There is a magical comfort that wraps our souls when we experience being both understood and accepted. Only is these kind environments can we freely expose our real selves. The practice of opening up created frightening vulnerabilities that some never dare expose to their partner (or themselves).

Our emotional song, once a solo, transforms into a beautiful duet.

Sue Johnson, a prominent clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and author, explains that research shows that in moments of “responsive emotional engagement, our brains are flooded with oxytocin.” Dubbed the ‘cuddle hormone,’ oxytocin, which is produced only by mammals, is associated with states of “contented bliss.” It seems to create “a cascade of pleasure, comfort, and calm.” She defines this experience as feeling felt, as experiencing an “authentic connection” (Johnson, 2008).

Daniel Goleman describes Feeling felt as:

“The distinct sensation when someone has become the target of true empathy. At such moments we sense that the other person knows how we feel, and so we feel known” (Goleman, 2007. p. 107)

See Emotional Attunement for more on this topic

Right Brain, Left Brain

The concept of right brain and left brain functions suggests that each hemisphere of the brain specializes in certain tasks. Although this idea has been largely debunked, metaphorically it helps to understand the concept of feeling felt. Traditionally, it was believed that left brain Functions were analytical abilities, language skills and fact and detail-oriented processes. On the other hand, the right brain functions were creative thinking, intuition and holistic and big picture thinking.

Accordingly, feeling felt would fall under right brain functions. We may hear the words of understanding through language centers in the brain. However, feeling felt requires the involvement of more brain processes than language.

Michael S. Gazzaniga, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, explains that a coordinated understanding between both hemispheres results in an experience of “feeling felt” (Gazzaniga, 2018).

Connection Beyond Words

Words just facilitate communications of inner experience, often the sounds fail, a weak medium for conveying complex emotions. We complicate sharing emotions when we barely know what we are experiencing ourselves—we ache but don’t know why; so, we blindly react, exploding to trivial triggers.

Lost in blindness, many relationships express undefined emotions with manipulations, projections, and heated words—this is not open communication. When individuals are unable to see through the veil of their own emotions and perspectives, their interactions in relationships become clouded and fraught with misunderstandings. The result is often a communication breakdown, leading to a cycle of unresolved issues and emotional turmoil. In order to foster healthy, meaningful connections, it is crucial for individuals to cultivate self-awareness and empathy. By acknowledging and addressing their own emotional blind spots, individuals can strive for authentic, open communication based on mutual understanding and respect. Instead of relying on manipulations and projections, genuine dialogue can pave the way for healing and stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

See Relationship Manipulations for more on this topic

Emotional Validation

Beyond the words, there must be understanding—understanding of emotions. In addition, we need more than just understanding, but also validation. Our emotions often get lost in superficial words. Words can only vaguely convey an underlying personal experience. We want others to understand our intimate inner experiences. We want others to accept us. Winning a battle of words fails to soothe our lonely souls. The win is meaningless if we still feel unnoticed and misunderstood ​ A hidden theme beneath most intimate communications is, “can I count on you?”

While unspoken, the search for attachment and acceptance strongly influences human interactions, especially with intimate partners and family. This innate drive can shape the way individuals form connections, communicate, and navigate through various facets of life. The longing for attachment often drives people to seek and nurture relationships that offer emotional support, understanding, and a sense of belonging. It can affect the dynamics within a family, shaping the bonds between parents and children, siblings, and extended relatives. Similarly, in the realm of intimate partnerships, the pursuit of attachment and acceptance can influence communication patterns, conflict resolution, and the overall satisfaction within the relationship. These unspoken desires serve as a powerful force, guiding the intricacies of human relationships and the quest for meaningful connections.

See Emotional Validation for more on this topic

Being Heard and Actively Listening

The search for compassionate acceptance gets smashed against the wall of despair when small concerns ignite a heated battle of wills. Instead of a quick response, or defensive reaction, we must reply to the bid for safety, even when the hazy words trying to express a want are unclear.

The concepts of Being Heard and Actively Listening are fundamental to the success of healthy intimate relationships.

Being Heard:

• Validation: When individuals feel heard, they feel validated and understood, which is crucial for emotional intimacy.
• Trust: It builds trust, as partners feel that their thoughts and feelings are important and respected.
• Openness: Encourages openness and honesty, as partners are more likely to share their true thoughts and feelings if they believe they will be heard.

Actively Listening:

• Understanding: Active listening involves fully concentrating on what is being said, leading to a deeper understanding of the partner’s perspective.
• Empathy: It fosters empathy by allowing listeners to truly grasp the emotions and experiences of the speaker.
• Conflict Resolution: Helps in resolving conflicts more effectively by ensuring that both partners’ viewpoints are acknowledged and considered.

See Active Listening for more on this topic

Together, these practices create a foundation of communication that supports mutual respect, compassion, and connection, all of which are essential for receiving and giving the sense of being deeply understood.

Associated Concepts

• Interpersonal Relationships: Validating others’ emotions can strengthen relationships by fostering trust and empathy. It shows that you understand and accept the other person’s feelings, which can improve communication and connection.
• Dyadic Regulation: This refers to a process in which the emotional states of two individuals in a relationship become synchronized and regulated. It involves the ability of both individuals to mutually influence each other’s emotions and provide support during times of emotional distress.
• Separation-Individuation Theory of Child Development: This process proposed by Margaret Mahler, describes the stages through which a child develops a sense of individual identity and separates from their primary caregivers.
• Still Face Experiment: This experiment involved instructing a mother to maintain a neutral facial expression and unresponsive demeanor while interacting with her infant, simulating a ‘still face’ devoid of emotional expression.
• Harlow’s Rhesus Monkey Studies: These were a series of controversial studies on maternal separation and social isolation conducted in the 1950s and 1960s. Using rhesus monkeys, Harlow investigated the effects of maternal deprivation by separating infant monkeys from their mothers and subjecting them to varying degrees of social isolation.
• Secure Base: This refers to a concept proposed by psychologist John Bowlby. It describes a nurturing and dependable relationship, typically between a caregiver and a child. A secure base provides a sense of safety and comfort for the child, allowing them to explore and interact with the world around them confidently.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

In exploring the profound concept of “feeling felt,” we uncover the essence of deep communication that forms the cornerstone of meaningful relationships. As articulated in our opening, true connection transcends mere words; it is an intricate dance of emotional attunement where individuals feel seen, heard, and validated. This dynamic interplay fosters an environment ripe for vulnerability, allowing us to shed our defenses and engage authentically with one another. When we embrace this deeper level of understanding, we not only enrich our own emotional landscapes but also cultivate bonds that withstand the complexities of human interaction.

Ultimately, “feeling felt” is more than just an experience—it’s a transformative process that reshapes how we relate to ourselves and others. By prioritizing empathy, active listening, and emotional validation in our conversations, we pave the way for intimacy and trust to flourish. Just as Sue Johnson emphasizes the biochemical rewards of responsive engagement through oxytocin release, so too do we find healing in open communication that resonates on both conscious and subconscious levels. As we commit to nurturing these connections—through smiles, touches, and genuine understanding—we create a safe haven for ourselves and those around us. In this shared journey towards authenticity and compassion lies the power to heal wounds and foster enduring relationships built on mutual respect and love.