Journey Through Shadows: Unveiling the Kübler-Ross Model of Grief

In the quiet chambers of the heart, where memories linger like whispered secrets, grief takes root. It arrives uninvited, a tempest that rearranges the very fabric of our existence. We stand at the precipice of loss, our souls caught in a delicate dance between anguish and acceptance.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist with eyes that held both compassion and curiosity, dared to explore this enigmatic terrain. In her groundbreaking work, On Death and Dying, she unveiled a map—a guide to the emotional wilderness that envelops us when loved ones depart. A map not of geographical coordinates, but of the human spirit. And so, we embark on this pilgrimage—a journey through the five stages of grief, each a threshold to traverse, a door to open.

As we tread this labyrinth of emotions, remember that grief is not linear. We may skip steps, revisit old wounds, or linger in one stage longer than expected. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross gifted us this compass—a guide to navigate the uncharted seas of loss. May it lead you through shadows, toward healing, and perhaps, to the quiet shores of acceptance.

Fear of Death

Perhaps, the cornerstone of grief is the finality of the loss. All our dreams, regrets, and joys tightly bind together in the death of a loved one. Shock, sorrow, and emptiness prevails in the halls once filled with life. Accordingly, we are left alone to sort out the existential questions about life. Death of a partner, parent or close friend teaches of our mortality, screaming the artfully denied truth of vulnerability.

Kübler-Ross wrote:

“when we grow older and begin to realize that our omnipotence is not really so great, that our strongest wishes are not powerful enough to make the impossible possible” (Kübler-Ross, 1969).

Death, like a silent specter, waits at the crossroads of existence. It is the ultimate equalizer—a truth we all share. Yet, paradoxically, it is this inevitability that fuels our fear. We cling to life, our fragile flame flickering against the vast darkness. As we age, we must face this unavoidable demon as it creeps closer.

The Kübler-Ross model​ of grief doesn’t discriminate—it applies to both someone grieving their own approaching death and someone grieving the death of a loved one. Both scenarios push individuals through an existential journey, beginning with denial and hopefully arriving at the healing spot of acceptance.

The Five Stages of Grief

The Kübler-Ross Model​ is also known as the five stages of grief. Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the five stage model in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. The stages describe a multi-stage process people follow to deal with tragedy and grief.

The five stages of the process are:

• Denial,
• Anger,
• Bargaining,
• Depression, and
• Acceptance.

Many practitioners refer to the Kübler-Ross Model as the DABDA model.

Five Stages of Grief

Denial:

This initial stage involves a resistance to accepting the reality of the situation. It is a way for individuals to protect themselves from overwhelming emotions and can manifest as a sense of disbelief or a refusal to acknowledge the loss. Kübler-Ross found that the use of denial is consistent with previous patterns of reaction to discomforting events.

She explains:

“We have found that different patients react differently to such news depending on their personality makeup and the style and manner they used in their past life. People who use denial as a main defense will use denial much more extensively than others. Patients who faced past stressful situations with open confrontation will do similarly in the present situation” (Kübler-Ross, 1969, p. 29).

When faced with their own mortality or the death of a loved one, individuals may initially deny the reality of their situation. Basically, it’s a protective mechanism—a way to cope with overwhelming news. Accordingly, they might question the accuracy of diagnoses or cling to false hope. Similarly, when grieving the loss of a loved one, denial helps buffer the shock. We numb ourselves, unable to fully accept that life has changed irreversibly.

See Denial: A Defense Mechanism for more on this topic

Anger:

Once denial starts to fade, and reality sets in, individuals may experience anger. This can arise as a response to feelings of powerlessness or injustice, and may be directed towards oneself, others, or even a higher power.

For those facing their own death, anger may be directed at fate, the universe, or even themselves. “Why me?” becomes a refrain. When grieving a loved one, anger surfaces—sometimes at the departed, at doctors, or even at life itself. It’s a storm of injustice and frustration.

Kübler-Ross explains:

“The grief, shame, and guilt are not very far removed from feelings of anger and rage. The process of grief always includes some elements of anger. Since none of us likes to admit anger at a deceased person, these emotions are often disguised or repressed, and prolong the period of grief, or show up in other ways” (Kübler-Ross, 1969, p. 4).

Moving through the stages of grief is not a universal experience. Many get stuck in the stage of denial and grief (Leishman, 2010).

Bargaining:

In this stage, individuals may attempt to negotiate or make deals in an effort to change the outcome or alleviate their pain. They may seek ways to regain control or make promises in hopes of reversing the situation. Bargaining is universal. When our mortality looms, we might strike deals with fate: “If I survive this, I’ll change my life.” It’s an attempt to regain control.

In grief, bargaining takes different forms. We replay conversations, seeking alternate outcomes. “What if” becomes our mantra—a desperate plea for a different reality.

Kubler-Ross wrote:

“If we have been unable to face the sad facts in the first period and have been angry at people and God in the second phase, maybe we can succeed in entering into some sort of an agreement which may postpone the inevitable happening: ‘If God has decided to take us from this earth and he did not respond to my angry pleas, he may be more favorable if I ask nicely’” (Kübler-Ross, 1969, p. 73).

Depression:

As the reality of the loss or impending loss becomes more apparent, individuals may enter a state of profound sadness and withdrawal. This stage can involve feelings of loneliness, emptiness—the empty chair, the unwritten letters. We not only mourn the loss of a loved one but also the pieces of ourselves that died with them. The stage of depression is often expressed as a lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities.

June Leishman wrote:

“Dying people also need to cope with the psychological, spiritual and emotional distress associated with facing death. This psychological distress generally manifests itself as general feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, depression; anxiety, demoralisation, or — in extreme cases — a desire to hasten death” (Leishman, 2010, p. 20).

A similar experience is mirrored in those processing the death of a loved one. Markedly loss or facing death generates extreme mental anguish which in turn drains cognitive resources. Consequently, those suffering grief are more likely to experience a variety of psychological disorders, with depression being the most common.

See Depression: A Mood Disorder for more on this

I warm’d both hands before the fire of life:
It sinks; and I am ready to depart.

~Walter Savage Landor (1775-1864). The Dying Speech of an Old Philosopher

Acceptance:

The final stage is characterized by a gradual acceptance of the new reality. It does not imply happiness or complete resolution, but rather a recognition of the loss and a willingness to move forward. Acceptance enables individuals to find meaning and begin to rebuild their lives. Acceptance is not resignation, but the fragile bloom emerging after a long winter.

Markedly, acceptance isn’t about embracing death; it’s about acknowledging its inevitability. For those grieving their own death, acceptance allows them to make peace with their journey. For those mourning a loved one, acceptance is the quiet shore where healing begins.

Kübler-Ross explains that many never reach acceptance. She wrote, “they fight it to the end and often miss an opportunity for reaching a humble acceptance of death as a final outcome. They provoke rejection and anger, and are yet the most desperate of them all” (Kübler-Ross, 1969, p. 73).

The Development of the Model

Kübler-Ross’ model is based off her work with over two hundred critically ill and dying patients. While these style of models present a challenge for research and empirical support, this model does provide a helpful pattern to understand the dynamically changing experiences of grieving a loss. The stages proposed by Ross are useful tools “to help us frame and identify what people may be experiencing at the time of grief” (Yoade et al., 2020).

Later, Kübler-Ross clarified that these stages are not linear. Some people may not experience any of them or only a few of them. However, these five stages of grief provide a familiar and helpful model to explain the complex feelings of  those grieving loss.

Although this model was first proposed by Kübler-Ross to apply with people suffering from terminal illness, “this five stage theoretical model has since been applied to many forms of personal loss and important life events” (Smaldone & Uzzo, 2013).

Associated Concepts

• Dual Process Model of Grief: The Dual Process Model incorporates both loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping strategies. It recognizes that grieving individuals fluctuate between these two approaches.
• Trauma Resiliency Model: This is an approach to treating trauma that focuses on building resilience and promoting healing in individuals who have experienced trauma. It emphasizes the natural and innate capacity of individuals to heal from trauma when provided with the right support and resources.
• Tonkin’s Model of Grief: This model conceptualizes grief as a process of “growing around the grief.” Initially, grief is all-consuming, but over time, it becomes smaller, allowing other areas of life (new experiences, relationships, moments of happiness) to grow larger. It emphasizes that grief remains but no longer dominates a person’s entire world.
• Defense Mechanisms: An initial reaction to death or impending death is to sooth the fear and terror through cognitive protective mechanisms. One of the most common mechanisms used is denial.
• Acceptance: This concept refers to a mindful acceptance of reality. Acceptance is the final stage in Kübler-Ross’s model of grief. However, it is also a common mental state associated with discovering peace with the moment.
• Unprocessed Trauma: This refers to emotional experiences or events that have not been adequately addressed, understood, or integrated into one’s psyche. When a person has unprocessed trauma, the associated emotions and distressing memories remain unresolved and may continue to negatively impact their mental and emotional well-being.

A Few Word by Psychology Fanatic

Perhaps, for those facing loss, the Kübler-Ross model may provide a guide—a compass for those navigating the storm. As we traverse denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, we discover that grief is not linear; it’s a mosaic of emotions, each piece essential to healing. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross gifted us a language for our pain, a lexicon to express the inexpressible. So, dear reader, when you find yourself in the throes of grief, remember that these stages are not mere signposts; they are invitations—to honor, to mourn, and ultimately, to find solace in the shared human experience of saying goodbye.

Last Update: February 1, 2026

References:

Kübler-Ross, Elizabeth (1969/2014). On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families. Scribner; Reissue edition. ISBN: 9781476775548; APA Record: 1993-98374-000
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Leishman, June L. (2010). Perspectives on Death and Dying. ‎M&K Update. DOI: 10.7748/nop.22.6.8.s12
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Smaldone, M., & Uzzo, R. (2013). The Kubler-Ross model, physician distress, and performance reporting. Nature Reviews Urology, 10(7), 425-428. DOI: 10.1038/nrurol.2013.76
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Yoade, B., Odenigbo, N., Jones, J., Kallikkadan, J., & Jolayemi, A. (2020). On the use of a Modified Kubler-Ross Model of Grief to Treat Bereavement in Schizophrenia. Cureus, 12(12). DOI: 10.7759/cureus.12041
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