Introduction to Tonkin’s Model

Grief is an inevitable part of the human experience, a profound response to loss that can shake the very foundations of our lives. Over the years, various models and theories have been proposed to help us understand and navigate this complex emotional landscape. One such model that has gained recognition for its insightful and compassionate approach is Lois Tonkin’s Model of Grief, often referred to as the “Growing Around Grief” theory.

Lawrence Heller wrote that grief is “how human beings come to terms with irrevocable loss” (Heller & LaPierre, 2012). Relationships bring much joy and sorrow.

Randolph Neese, an evolutionary psychiatrist, wrote:

“Our emotions connect us to our partners, flooding us with love when with them, longing when they are away, sympathy when they suffer, and grief when they die. When they betray us, the mind fires us with rage. When we betray them, it racks us with guilt and motivates reparations” (Neese, 2019).

Scribbled in our genes are the mechanisms for connection. Love and loss arouse intense emotions. The sorrow of grief rivals major depression as individuals learn to cope with life without someone that was a significant part of our day to day life. In the 1960’s, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross articulated five stages of grief (Kübler-Ross, 1969). Tonkin’s model is not in opposition to this model. Tonkin presented her model as a tool to help conceptualize the grief experienced by some people.

This model is also helpful to many individuals working their way through the loss of a partner or significant person in their lives.

The Genesis of Tonkin’s Model

Lois Tonkin, a grief counselor and researcher, developed her model based on her own experiences with grief and her professional practice. Unlike traditional models that often emphasize stages or tasks of grief, Tonkin’s theory offers a more fluid and realistic depiction of how grief evolves over time. The essence of her model lies in the metaphor of an expanding circle, which represents the individual’s life growing around the grief rather than the grief itself diminishing.

Tonkin wrote:

“What helps some clients about this model (and it does not fit everyone) is that it relieves them of the expectation that their grief should largely go away. It explains the dark days, and also describes the richness and depth the experience of grief has given to their lives” (Tonkin, 1996).

The Expanding Circle Metaphor

At the heart of Tonkin’s model is the visual analogy of two circles. The inner circle symbolizes the grief, while the outer circle represents the individual’s life. When a significant loss first occurs, the grief circle is large and dominates the person’s existence. The outer circle, or life, is relatively small and revolves around the grief.

As time progresses, instead of the grief shrinking or vanishing, the outer circle begins to expand. This expansion signifies the individual’s growing ability to build new experiences, relationships, and meaning around the grief. The grief remains a constant presence, but it no longer engulfs the entire life. The person learns to integrate the loss into their life, allowing both the grief and their life to coexist.

Key Principles of Tonkin’s Model

Tonkin’s approach to grief introduces several essential principles that differentiate it from other models. These principles provide a compassionate and realistic framework for understanding the grieving process.

Grief Does Not Shrink

One of the most significant departures from traditional grief theories is the notion that grief does not necessarily diminish over time. Instead, Tonkin suggests that the intensity and impact of grief remain constant. The passage of time does not erase the pain of loss; rather, individuals learn to live with it as their lives continue to grow and evolve.

Life Expands Around Grief

Rather than focusing on reducing grief, Tonkin’s model emphasizes the expansion of life. As individuals engage in new experiences, relationships, and activities, their lives become broader and more enriched. This growth does not negate the grief but allows it to become one part of a more extensive, multifaceted existence.

Individual Paths to Healing

Tonkin’s model acknowledges that grief is a highly personal and unique journey. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing. Each person navigates their grief differently, finding their own ways to expand their life around the loss. This individualized perspective honors the diversity of human experiences and avoids prescriptive timelines or stages.

Moving through the stages of grief is not a universal experience. Many get stuck in the stage of denial and grief (Leishman, 2010).

Integration, Not Resolution

The goal of Tonkin’s model is not to ‘resolve’ grief in the sense of fully overcoming or moving past it. Instead, the focus is on integrating the grief into one’s life. This integration allows individuals to honor their loss while continuing to live meaningful lives. The grief becomes a part of their story, influencing who they are and how they relate to the world.

Practical Applications of Tonkin’s Model

Tonkin’s Model of Grief offers valuable insights and practical applications for both individuals experiencing grief and professionals supporting them. By adopting this model, people can approach grief with greater compassion and understanding.

For Individuals:

• Self-Compassion: Understanding that grief does not have to shrink or disappear can alleviate the pressure to “get over” a loss. This recognition allows individuals to be more compassionate with themselves as they navigate their unique grief journey.
• Permission to Grow: The model encourages individuals to seek new experiences and relationships, knowing that these do not betray their loss. Growth and expansion are natural parts of life, even in the presence of grief.
• Validation of Feelings: By acknowledging that grief remains a constant part of life, individuals can validate their ongoing feelings of sadness or longing. These emotions are a natural response to loss and do not indicate a failure to heal.
• Finding Meaning: The model’s focus on integration allows individuals to find meaning and purpose in their loss. They can honor their loved ones by incorporating their memories and legacy into their lives.

For Professionals:

• Tailored Support: Recognizing the uniqueness of each grief journey, professionals can provide more personalized and flexible support. This approach respects the individual’s pace and needs.
• Encouraging Growth: Professionals can help clients identify opportunities for growth and expansion in their lives. This guidance enables individuals to build a more enriched and balanced existence.
• Continuing Bonds: Tonkin’s model aligns with the concept of continuing bonds, where individuals maintain a connection with their loved ones while adapting to life without them. Professionals can support clients in fostering these ongoing connections.
• Education and Awareness: By educating clients about the principles of Tonkin’s model, professionals can empower them to approach grief with a more compassionate and realistic perspective.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Lois Tonkin’s Model of Grief offers a profound and compassionate framework for understanding the grieving process. By emphasizing the expansion of life around grief, this model provides a more realistic and hopeful perspective for individuals navigating loss. It honors the enduring presence of grief while encouraging growth, integration, and meaning.

It’s important to remember that neither grief or life are circles. There is no geographical location within our body where we find the experience of grief. Grief permeates the whole body. Tonkin’s model of grief, much like the Kübler-Ross model, provides a tool for conceptualizing the experience of grief. The model may “help us frame and identify what people may be experiencing at the time of grief” (Yoade et al., 2020).

In a world where grief is often misunderstood or minimized, Tonkin’s model stands as a beacon of empathy and wisdom. It reminds us that grief is not a problem to be solved but a part of the human experience to be embraced and integrated into the fabric of our lives. Through this model, we can find new ways to live fully and meaningfully, even in the shadow of profound loss.

Last Update: April 22, 2026

Associated Concepts

• Trauma Resiliency Model: This is an approach to treating trauma that focuses on building resilience and promoting healing in individuals who have experienced trauma. It emphasizes the natural and innate capacity of individuals to heal from trauma when provided with the right support and resources.
• Kübler-Ross Model: This model, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, is a psychological framework developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It describes the emotional and psychological stages that individuals may go through when confronting their own mortality or when faced with significant loss or trauma.
• The Convoy Model: This theory refers to the positive impact of relationships through all stages of development, helping individuals face life challenges, and resiliently face traumatic events.
• Life-Altering Events: These life experiences reshape our understanding of the world by challenging our beliefs and prompting a re-evaluation of priorities and values. Genetics and family influence early self-concepts and primal world beliefs, shaping our life paths.
• Life Events Theory: This theory, also known as the Life Events Approach, is a psychological theory that proposes a connection between significant life events and an individual’s psychological well-being. According to this theory, major life events, such as the loss of a loved one, marriage, divorce, job loss, or relocation, can have a profound impact on a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
• Life Course Theory: This theory is a comprehensive framework that examines how individual development is shaped by the complex interplay of various environmental, social, and historical factors over the course of a person’s life.