Introduction: Evaluating Our Lives

Part of the secret is honest evaluations. A common tendency is to place blame outside of our self. In psychology, we call this externalizing. “I failed; but it’s not my fault,” We scream in self-protecting rhetoric. We tend to take credit for good and blame others for bad, errantly assessing experience. We feel competence where we are weak, encouraging dangerous ventures into the unknown. Assessment errors create greater vulnerability.

We blindly enter undertakings where we are over matched and unprepared. Newness to uncharted fields, even when properly prepared, always has a few surprises. We do our best to prepare for novel experiences, rooting out biases and arming ourselves for the unseen battles. Flourishing demands facing challenges, adapting to complexity and emerging victorious. Standing tall in the presence of the unknown is a terrifying necessity for future success and an expanding life.

Uncertain Futures

We never know how the future will unfold; unseen risks always interrupt the intricate plans. Life’s not perfectly predictable. We must adopt contingency plans, maintain enough flexibility to stop, examine and adapt. Only through conscientious measurements can we correctly identify if life is expanding or retracting.

Occasional Failure is inevitable but gathering wisdom from those failures is optional. To gain wisdom, we must accurately assess failures, identifying involved factors, and improve future contributions. Our ego fears these unbiased investigations that often uncover personal failures. We feel relief by washing away personal responsibility by self-righteously pointing a finger at someone else. But relief is bought for a cost, risking the repeat of the same destructive behaviors.

Life is Complex, Not Random

Events don’t just happen. Life is not random. There’re always reasons behind the final product. We sadly live in a world full of violence. The senseless beating of an innocent victim doesn’t magically materialize from nothing; the dastardly act is contingent upon a string of proceeding causes. The road leading to the violent crime starts many years before the final culminating event. The perpetrator’s experiences and choices slowly intertwined with biological givens molding his present character (Murphy, 2021). His life slowly changed with each set of exposures, choices, and consequences. These happenings are magnified by his interpretations, creating the sensible story to organize the inputs. 

A criminal typically doesn’t see themselves as bad. They create a story that justifies their badness, exaggerating the instigating factors and dismissing personal choice. The seemingly small threads weave together, creating the underlying emotions that motivate behaviors, building a growing disinterest in others, and weakening regulation over passions; the innocent child transforms into a violent man, senselessly administering hurt to others. All along the path, the small changes go unnoticed. The individual fails to see life expanding or life contracting. The final senseless beating was not a difficult choice, but the climax of many insignificant actions, slowly paving the path to destruction.

Only when we look close with clear spectacles can we see the growth or decay.

In Process of Becoming

We are in a process of becoming something. Most visitors to this website dedicated to flourishing are unlikely to senselessly assault. But we are part of a similar process. Our histories, ethics, and biological makeups set us on course to become something. And that something is the result of an expanding life or a retracting one.

Erich Fromm taught we fall into two general categories. We can be lovers of life involved in continual growth or indifferent to life and in the process of decay (Fromm, 2013). Growth is natural when kind elements abound, surrounding our souls with nutrients and gentleness. Life expands. Harsh environments destroy. We curl into ourselves to protect from the damaging elements outside. Life retracts.

Our lives continually bounce between expansion and retraction.

Harriet Lerner wrote:

“Two things will never change: the will to change and the fear of change. Both are essential to our well-being and to the preservation of our relationships. We all move back and forth between our desire to learn, risk, experiment, and grow—and our anxiety about doing so. Change brings loss in its wake, even when it’s a change we truly and deeply want to make” (Lerner, 2005).

The hope and goal is to expand more than retract.

See The Process of Becoming for more on this topic

A Biological Correlate to Expanding Life

Expanding or retracting life makes sense. We are moving forward or backward. If we are walking the wrong way on a slow people mover at the airport we must be walking as fast as the belt to maintain our position. When we stop walking we go backwards. If we hasten our pace we move forward. Life is much like this. However, expansion is more than a cute metaphor for life. Our brains expand and retract with experience.

Richard J. Davidson explains:

“The brain can also change in response to messages generated internally—in other words, to our thoughts and intentions. These changes include altering the function of brain regions, expanding or contracting the amount of neural territory devoted to particular tasks, strengthening or weakening connections between different brain regions, increasing or decreasing the level of activity in specific brain circuits, and modulating the neurochemical messenger service that continuously courses through the brain” (Davidson, 2012).

Associated Concepts

• Experience Machine: This was a is a thought experiment that questions the nature of happiness and reality. He asks us to imagine a machine that can provide any pleasurable experience we desire, making them feel completely real. Once connected, we wouldn’t know the experiences are artificial. Nozick uses this scenario to challenge the idea that pleasure is the highest good.
• Tipping Point: This refers to the critical moment when a small change or series of changes reaches a level that leads to a significant impact or transformation. It can represent the threshold at which a situation, behavior, or decision crosses from one state to another, often resulting in a notable shift or consequence.
• Self-Determination Theory (SDT): Developed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, this theory emphasizes autonomy as one of the three basic psychological needs, along with competence and relatedness, that are essential for fostering intrinsic motivation and psychological well-being.
• Fear of Failure: This refers to the anxiety or apprehension related to the anticipation of failing at a task or in a specific situation. It can lead individuals to avoid taking risks or attempting new challenges due to the perceived negative consequences of failing.
• Self-Cultivation: This refers to a deliberate and conscious effort of improving oneself through various practices, activities, and experiences. It involves the pursuit of personal growth, self-awareness, and self-improvement in different aspects of life, such as physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
• Theory of Planned Behavior (TPB): This theory suggests that intention to perform the behavior determines the ultimate behavior. Attitude, subjective norms, and perceived behavioral control (autonomy) influence the formation of these behavioral intentions.
• Progress Principle: This principle emphasizes the positive impact of small wins on motivation and well-being, leading to increased productivity, creativity, job satisfaction, and overall success.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

When biological givens are graced with nutrient-providing climates, the organism fulfills its destiny. This notion underscores the profound connection between our internal states and external environments. Just as a plant thrives in fertile soil enriched with essential nutrients, individuals flourish in supportive atmospheres that nurture their potential. In this context, our thoughts emerge as dynamic architects of the surrounding environment—shaping not only our perceptions but also influencing how we interact with the world around us.

Every choice we make plays a pivotal role in either cultivating or undermining these conditions for growth. The seemingly mundane decisions regarding friendships, daily activities, and even self-talk hold significant weight in determining our trajectory towards expansion or retraction. For instance, surrounding ourselves with positive influences can enhance resilience and motivation while toxic relationships may stifle progress and foster negativity. Similarly, engaging in enriching activities fuels curiosity and creativity, whereas complacent habits can lead to stagnation. Ultimately, these little choices accumulate over time to create a powerful ripple effect; they serve as either stepping stones toward personal flourishing or traps that invite decay into our lives. By consciously choosing paths that support growth—whether through uplifting relationships or constructive practices—we position ourselves on an expansive journey where fulfillment is within reach and personal evolution is celebrated.