Life Shouldn’t Be Like This: Finding Joy Amidst Challenges
I’m getting old. I’ve seen a lot. I worked through personal tragedies; I’ve watched and assisted others through their traumatic moments. I’ve written enough over the years on the difficulties of life that any regular readers of the Psychology Fanatic blog know sometimes a present a bleak view the human experience. I must routinely remind myself that acceptance of life as it is—full of miseries and challenges—shouldn’t obscure the bountiful joys. Is life joyous or sorrowful? Such question violate the fundamental immenseness of life, trying to force complexity into compartmentalized labels. Each of our lives are as they are. Yet, we still cry out from time to time, “it shouldn’t be like this!”
Nothing in life is joyous or sorrowful, we just experience these emotions in connection with life. A complex construction of triggering events, experiential histories, interpretations, and expectations collide, and we feel something.
Life Shouldn’t Be Like This
We have this odd tendency to label discomforting experiences as a violation of an immutable law. We struggle and blurt out, “It shouldn’t be like this!” Certainly, I have let this seemingly harmless phrase cross my lips a time or two. The last few months, my wife and I have been searching for a home closer to the grandchildren (and their parents). Home shopping is fun, however, home buying can be a headache with all the detailed paperwork, contingencies, reliance on appraisers and inspectors, and endless demands of underwriters for one more item.
First of all, I feel fortunate that we can make a move like this. Yet, occasionally in frustration I may ignorantly proclaim, “It shouldn’t be like this.” I only experience these transactions from a very limited perspective, the momentary irritation of doing something unplanned. Somehow the minute, easily navigated annoyance, is paramount, at least to me, to all the unseen purposes behind the request.
What We Don’t Know
Here’s the thing. What we don’t know, still exists, and still exerts it’s influence on our lives. In the case of a home loan, their are numerous stakeholders, each protecting their interest, including regulatory statues designed to protect both buyers, sellers, and the industry. Lawsuits over disagreements, biased practiced, and fraud motivate protections. Sometimes the protection from these nasties is not readily apparent to the lay consumer, leaving us reeling from another request.
Almost everything in life has this grand web of complexity—the unseen factors influencing events. Our crying over undeserved hardship, often is misguided, blinded by a narrow vision and faulty expectations.
Human Life has Always Been Difficult
We often are guilty of rewriting history. Comparing current complexity against our faulty perceptions of an easy past where life was painlessly managed. We love our romantic retelling of the past. Human history is not a joyous story. As I learn about my grandparents, I see life’s marred with as much frustration and sorrow as I experience today.
My paternal great grandfather was a share cropper, living on another man’s property, farming the land for a living. He scraped up enough money to buy his own property. My great grandfather farmed his land and eventually split his lot into two adjoining farms for my grandfather and his brother. Most the land was used to grow alfalfa and raise cattle.
This is a romanticized story of hard work and success. Yet, from the narrow perspective arising nearly a hundred years later, the daily frustrations have faded into the unknown past. Battles over water rights, harsh weather, unplanned expenses, and shifting local politics poked and harassed. My grandfather’s dairy farm required much more work than he initially expected, he almost always was forced to work extra jobs (driving the school bus, for example) to cover expenses. Grandpa began his day in sub-freezing early morning temperatures, worked for three or four hours, ate breakfast, drove the local school bus, returned to his farming chores, drove the afternoon school bus, ate dinner and then went to bed exhausted so he could start the next day again by 3:00 a.m..
Do we imagine the renaissance as the way it should be? A time in world history where a small minority governed large masses of peasants, who toiled the earth from before dusk till after dark to only keep enough to survive. Starvation ran rampant, mortality rates were gruesome, and they only survival because royalty needed the cheap labor.
Acceptance and Responsibility
We aren’t responsible for every ill that happens to us. Yet, much suffering is self inflicted. Acceptance is a difficult concept because it isn’t pristine. Somethings we accept as part of the unknown, other things we accept personal responsibility for and work to change, and still other things we work collectively to change.
Paul Tillich wrote:
“Life, personal and historical, is a creative and destructive process in which freedom and destiny, chance and necessity, responsibility and tragedy are mixed with each other in everything and in every moment. These tensions, ambiguities and conflicts make life what it is. They create the fascination and the horror of life. They drive us to the question of a courage which can accept life without being conquered by it, and this is the question of providence” (Tillich, 2005, p. 57).
The advise certainly is not to quietly sit and accept life’s tragedy without resolve to wrestle with the givens. These “tensions, ambiguities, and conflicts make life what it is.” We courageously accept that things happen, often beyond our ability to comprehend why. Sometimes, we will never know. Our responsibility, however, is to take these givens, as difficult as they may be, and mold them to fit into our lives.
Acceptance or Resignation
Gregg Krech in The Art of Taking Action differentiates between acceptance and resignation. He explains that acceptance is not helplessness in the face of uncontrollable circumstances. He writes, “In resignation we may accept our emotional state and take no action whatsoever. This is a type of acceptance that is really resignation. It is what happens when the depressed person realizes he or she is depressed and then continues to lie on the sofa all afternoon in a state of melancholy” (Krech, 2014).
Nancy Coller explains that acceptance is not being OK with what is happening. She wrote:
“The biggest misunderstanding about acceptance is that it means that we’re OK with the thing we’re accepting, that we’ve somehow gotten comfortable and on board with this situation we don’t want” (Coller, 2019).
Gail Brenner designates acceptance as the starting point of change. ”Accepting things as they are is a beautiful starting point that opens up possibilities you may have never considered” (Brenner, 2014).
Associated Concepts
- Dialectic Behavioral Therapy: A type of cognitive-behavioral therapy that is designed to help individuals with complex and challenging mental health conditions. It focuses on providing skills and strategies to manage emotions, improve interpersonal relationships, and develop mindfulness. One skill taught in DBT is radical acceptance.
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): A form of psychotherapy that aims to help individuals develop psychological flexibility. It encourages people to embrace their thoughts and feelings rather than fighting or feeling overwhelmed by them. ACT also promotes identifying personal values and taking committed action towards them, even in the presence of difficult emotions.
- Positive Psychology: A branch of psychology that focuses on the study and promotion of positive emotions, strengths, and virtues to enhance well-being and quality of life. It explores topics such as acceptance, happiness, gratitude, resilience, and the factors that contribute to a fulfilling and meaningful life.
- The PERMA Model: This model, developed by psychologist Martin Seligman, is a well-being theory that identifies five essential elements for a flourishing and fulfilling life: positive emotions, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment.
- Self-Acceptance: The ability to embrace and fully accept oneself, including one’s strengths, weaknesses, and unique characteristics. It involves acknowledging one’s imperfections without self-criticism and recognizing personal worth and value regardless of external standards or expectations.
- Expectations: This concept refers to balancing a healthy trust in ourselves, life and others with a practical and protecting skepticism and flexible acceptance.
- Gratitude: The quality of being thankful, a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. It involves acknowledging the good things in life and being thankful for them. Practicing gratitude can have a positive impact on mental well-being and overall happiness.
A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic
Life is a complex tapestry woven with threads of joy and sorrow, challenge and triumph. As we navigate our unique journeys, it’s essential to recognize that while some events may feel unjust or painful, they are integral parts of our story. Rather than getting caught in the cycle of blame or denial, we have the power to embrace our circumstances with courage and resilience. By acknowledging the reality of what has been served to us, we can shift our focus from lamenting what shouldn’t be to discovering how we can thrive despite it all.
In this journey of acceptance, we find an opportunity for growth and transformation. Each challenge presents itself not just as a hurdle but as a catalyst for learning—a chance to deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. When life feels overwhelming and chaotic, remember that these moments often lead us toward unexpected insights and strengths we didn’t know we possessed.
Just as life is filled with complexities beyond our control, it also offers abundant opportunities for joy and fulfillment if only we dare to look beyond immediate discomforts. So let us face life’s uncertainties head-on, choosing not just survival but flourishing amidst adversity by crafting meaning from every experience that comes our way.
Last Update: January 16, 2026
References:
Brenner, Gail (2014). The Beauty and Ease of Accepting Things as They Are. gailbrenner.com. Published: 8-4-2014; Accessed: 9-27-2021. Website: https://gailbrenner.com/2014/08/the-beauty-and-ease-of-accepting-things-as-they-are/
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Coller, Nancy (2019). Accepting a Reality That Feels Unacceptable. Psychology Today. Published: 2-27-2019; Accessed: 9-27-2021. Website: https://www.psychologytoday.com/
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Krech, Gregg (2014). The Art of Taking Action: Lessons from Japanese Psychology. ToDo Institute Books. ISBN-10: 0982427387
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Tillich, Paul (2005). The New Being. BISON BOOKS; First PB Edition. ISBN: 9780803294585
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