Lonely in Marriage: Breaking the Silence and Seeking Connection

Driven and frantic, we couple up, finding partners to share our lives with. We were raised on Disney romance where the arduous search ends with `Happily Ever After.’ I’m a succor for romance and easily distracted from boy meets girl romances. I pretend not to be interested when my mother-in-law turns on the Hallmark channel; but I’m ashamedly sucked into the predictable drama. Life—real life—is more complex. Not every romance ends with joy. Many marriages work, bringing richness to experience and mitigating the sorrows. However, a significant number of other marriages fall flat, failing to provide human companionship. The couple exist together but suffer in loneliness, condemned to a life of this shared loneliness in marriage.

​Marriage is Healthy​; Loneliness in Marriage is Not

Studies overwhelmingly support the benefits of marriage. Marriage partners become increasingly important to fight loneliness as we age (Hsieh & Hawkley, 2018). Marriage alone isn’t sufficient. Many couples discover loneliness during the golden years. More than 1 in 5 older married people suffer from loneliness (de Jong Gierveld, et al., 2009).

​Loneliness, when not flowing from social isolation, is difficult to pin point the origin. Typically, the feelings don’t magically appear, but slowly grow from gradual distancing. Couples grow apart during the business of middle life, raising kids and absorbed in careers. And then, somehow, although sitting together at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading the paper, the deep ache of loneliness is realized. They are lonely in marriage.

​Jordan and Margaret Paul describe loneliness in their book, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You as: “Loneliness is a searingly painful feeling that radiates through the center of our being when we cannot connect lovingly with another, either because the other is closed or because there is no one available to us” (Paul & Paul, 2002).

What is Loneliness?

We feel lonely when we perceive a discrepancy between our desired and our actual experience of quantity and quality of social connections (Mund & Neyer, 2018; de Jong Gierveld, et al., 2009). Loneliness is a subjective and negative experience or in Paul’s poignant description—a searing painful feeling. Our physical and mental health depends on supporting others to give us the essential belongingness our heart craves. When we subjectively lack sufficient acceptance and validation from others our entire being feels misaligned, self-esteem suffers, and security crumbles. Sometimes this occurs within the walls of a relationship. We lack connection where we are mostly likely to find it. We are lonely in marriage.

Self-Actualization and Loneliness

Abraham Maslow placed belongingness at the second rung of his hierarchy of needs pyramid. He saw the security of intimate connection essential for self-actualization. Researcher connect loneliness to many severe negative health and cognitive maladies (Evans et al., 2019). We derive self-esteem from a true sense of belongingness, love and acceptance (Schulz & Rodgers, 1980, p. 25).

We need to belong. We need others to flourish. Psychology professor John Cacioppo describes the impacts of loneliness this way, “But more complex cognitive functions, including the complexities of social behavior, demand lifelong self-regulation. It is these social cognitions and behaviors that go haywire when our sense of belonging takes a hit” (Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008). We create a shell of a relationship where we pretend to be secure. Yet, for many the relationship is just a different form of loneliness. They are lonely in marriage, missing the grand blessing of connection and safety.

​Belonging is our inheritance. In the engaging book, the Evolution of Love, the author writes:

The mammalian mothers were the first in evolution to feel concern about others, and they set the cradle for the evolution of love, the dependence of every individual on proximity, belonging, being cuddled. Throughout evolution, love, first as touch and then as a rich cluster of loving behaviors, has become a need, and even a prerequisite, for physiological and psychological well-being. This is true mainly in babies; but extends to humans of all ages (Lampert, 1997).

​Taking Time to Foster Belonging

​Several years ago, I met a man at a local convenience store. The clerk called the police because the man was threatening customers and throwing items. Although California enjoys fairly temperate weather, the winters on the street are not comfortable. This man just suffered through his first cold week on the street.

​His life was a shattered puzzle of broken relationships, destroyed opportunities, and saddening addictions. As his story began to unfold, his tough protective exterior began to shake, and tears started to stream. Here stood a man that neglected prime opportunities during his life to belong, destroying connections he needed for later healthy development. First, he was lonely in marriage; then he was alone and lonely.

This particular man’s wife eventually kicked him out of the family home. However, one doesn’t need to be get kicked out of the house to signal the end of a relationship. Many relationships end emotionally while structurally still together under the same roof. Each partner, while still technically together, experiences loneliness in marriage.

Improving a Sense of Belonging in a Marriage

Increasing a sense of belonging within a relationship is crucial for fostering intimacy and connection. Here are some strategies couples can use:

• Open Communication: Regularly share thoughts, feelings, and experiences with each other. Honest and open communication helps partners feel understood and valued.
• Quality Time: Spend meaningful time together, engaging in activities that both enjoy. This can strengthen the bond and create shared memories.
• Affection and Appreciation: Show affection through physical touch, kind words, and gestures. Expressing appreciation for each other’s efforts and qualities reinforces a sense of being valued (Rosenberg, 2015, p. 185).
• Shared Goals and Dreams: Discuss and plan for the future together. Setting and working towards common goals can enhance the feeling of partnership and mutual support.
• Validation and Acceptance: Validate each other’s feelings and experiences, even when you disagree. Acceptance fosters a safe environment where both partners feel they belong.
• Introduce Each Other to Social Circles: Integrate each other into your respective social circles, including family and friends. This can enhance the feeling of being a significant part of each other’s lives.
• Support and Empathy: Be there for each other during tough times. Offering support and showing empathy strengthens the emotional connection and sense of belonging.
• Celebrate Together: Celebrate achievements, anniversaries, and special moments. Recognizing and honoring these occasions can deepen the emotional bond.

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By incorporating these practices, couples can build a stronger, more connected relationship where both partners feel a deep sense of belonging.

Associated Concepts

• Interpersonal Theory: This theory focuses on the interactions, relationships, and communication between individuals. It explores how people’s behaviors, thoughts, and emotions are influenced by their interactions with others, as well as how these interactions shape their self-concept and identity.
• Risk Regulation Model: This model refers to an internal regulation systems that individuals use to navigate the intense conflicting demands between self-protecting security and desires for security and belonging.
• Attachment Theory: This theory presents a psychological framework to explain how human beings form emotional bonds and connections with others, particularly in early childhood.
• Feeling Lonely: These feelings refer to a sense that we lack fulfillment in our basic social needs. Loneliness significantly contributes to lower self-esteem and wellness.
• Belongingness: This refers to the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. This involves feeling valued, included, and connected to others.
• Separation-Individuation Theory: This theory, proposed by Margaret Mahler, describes the process through which a child develops a sense of individual identity and separates from their primary caregivers. According to the theory, children go through different stages of development, gradually becoming more autonomous and independent while establishing a separate sense of self from their caregivers.
• Interdependence Theory: This concept examines how individuals in a relationship depend on each other for outcomes and how this interdependence affects their interactions.
• Affection Exchange Theory: This theory is based in evolutionary biology, creating a framework to understand how affectionate communication functions in interpersonal relationships to contribute to the long-term viability and procreative success in humans.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Our lives move fast. As we look back, the years blend and blur. Each moment is precious, to be developed and embraced. The ease of connection when we are younger easily is lost as we move through the stages of life. Opportunities disappear, friends pass on or move away. Our children become intimately involved in their own lives, relationships and careers. We are left to enjoy the richness of connection with our partner or shrink lonely in marriage together. Reach out with loving arms, give the five A’s—attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, allowance (Richo, 2002). With attentive effort, we can build a heritage of love to be enjoyed in the waning years of our lives.

Last Update: December 23, 2025

References:

Cacioppo, John; Patrick, William (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W. W. Norton & Company. ISBN: 978-0-393-33528-6; APA Record: 2008-07755-000
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de Jong Gierveld, J., Broese van Groenou, M., Hoogendoorn, A., & Smit, J. (2009). Quality of Marriages in Later Life and Emotional and Social Loneliness. The Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 64B(4), 497-506. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbn043
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Evans, I., Llewellyn, D., Matthews, F., Woods, R., Brayne, C., & Clare, L. (2019). Living alone and cognitive function in later life. Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics, 81, 222-233. DOI: 10.1016/j.archger.2018.12.014
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Hsieh, N., & Hawkley, L. (2018). Loneliness in the older adult marriage. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(10), 1319-1339. DOI: 10.1177/0265407517712480
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Lampert, Ada (1997). The Evolution of Love. ​Praeger; First Edition. ISBN: 0275959074
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Mund, M., & Neyer, F. (2018). Loneliness effects on personality. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 1. DOI: 10.1177/0165025418800224
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Paul, Jordan; Paul, Margaret (2002). Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You: Second Edition. Hazelden Publishing. ISBN-13: 9781568387963
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Richo, David (2002) How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving. Shambhala; 1 edition. ISBN-10: 1611809541
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Rosenberg, Marshall B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships. PuddleDancer Press; Third Edition, Third edition. ISBN-10: 189200528X
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Schulz, D. A., & Rodgers, S. F. (1980). Marriage, the Family, and Personal Fulfillment. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall. ISBN-10: 0135594022
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