Love is a Verb: The Power of Taking Action in Relationships

Loving is easy when we feel loving. We feel warmth and closeness and act accordingly. Most healthy and a large portion of the unhealthy act this way. When we feel love in our hearts, we pass it along. There is no glory in this. We are just the puppet of a feeling. But what would happen if we saw love as something that we do—an action; not just a response to a feeling? Loving someone would not be an excuse for poor behavior or selfish manipulations. Instead loving someone would mean we act lovingly towards them. Love becomes an action verb not a noun once possessed we just sit around and reap its benefits.

When feeling comforted and joyous, we naturally treat our partners well—most do anyhow. And if we are involved with someone who is unpredictably mean, while smiling, we should run from their malignant vileness. Treating others well when feeling loving proves nothing. However, the manner in which we treat a partner when feeling irritable or annoyed is more telling, coloring a much broader picture of the relationship.

​These imperfect moments are gifts to reveal strength of  commitment. Loving action during disagreement, tiredness, and disappointment display the content of our heart. Here in these fractured moments, intentional actions of love give birth to security.

Love is an Action

Love, often romanticized as a passive state of being, is more accurately understood as an active verb. It’s not merely a feeling to be possessed but a continuous choice, a series of intentional actions that nurture and sustain connection. True love demands consistent effort, a willingness to understand, to forgive, to support, and to prioritize the well-being of another. It requires active listening, empathetic communication, and a commitment to cultivating a safe and nurturing environment for the beloved to grow and flourish.  

Love is not a static possession but a dynamic process that requires constant tending. It involves navigating challenges, overcoming obstacles, and choosing compassion and understanding even when it’s difficult. It’s in the everyday acts of kindness, the patient listening ear, the unwavering support during times of struggle, and the consistent effort to bridge differences that the true essence of love resides. Love, in its truest form, is a verb, a commitment to action that strengthens the bond and deepens the connection between two souls.

Loving When Irritated

​When emotions rumble, we must seize the opportunity to solidify the relationship. When a partner returns home after a has a taxing day at the office, naturally the mood carried home isn’t welcoming and warm; the normal emotional support, gentle glances, and friendly flirts are missing. Too many believe love is a noun, something they possess with certain rights.

​When a partner fails to engender the warm feelings, they quickly sour and retaliate. A bad mood from the office explodes into a bad evening at home. One bad day ignites insecurities and morphs into something destructive.

​Both partners have responsibility to work through these moments. One partner for support and the other by not projecting emotions unduly on the innocent partner. But in the struggles, needs are left unfulfilled. Love must meet these challenges with positive action, giving support and comfort.

In strong relationships, the roles of receiver and giver constantly switch as circumstances demand.

​See Staying Close During Conflict for more on this topic

“Love as a verb isn’t dependent on how you feel or even what you think. Instead you make an unconditional commitment to the other person.”

~Harville Hendrix

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Saying the words, “I love you” are important. They convey an important message. However, they have become so commonplace in relationships that we say them without embodying the words in our actions. Anyone can say “I love you.” Yet, so many struggle to love. The words must be accompanied by actions. It is only through loving actions that words have any power. We can show love in a number of ways.

• Acts of service (cooking, cleaning, running errands)  
• Words of affirmation (expressing appreciation, offering encouragement)  
• Quality time (giving undivided attention, engaging in shared activities)
• Gifts (thoughtful gestures, acts of generosity)  
• Physical touch (hugs, cuddles, holding hands)

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By consistently practicing love through action, not just on special occasions, partners experience love. The actions transform them in magical ways. Go ahead, keep saying “I love you,” but then go about the work of showing that you love with loving actions.

​”Once the honeymoon wears off, love is primarily a verb, and to love someone is an active experience. Love is action. Love is commitment. Love is making your partner a sandwich even when you don’t ‘feel’ like it.”

~Sheryl Paul, M.A. | Huffpost

Love During Times of Difficulty

Every relationship encounters difficulties. These moments test commitments. It is challenging to even fathom at the glorious begins that somewhere down the road love will be tested. It is the inevitable nature of intimate bonds. When people change so does the nature of their relationships. Part of it is habituation. Overtime, we grow accustomed to a relationship. The sight or sound of our partner doesn’t spark the arousal it did in the beginning. The maturing love doesn’t have to die.

Gary Chapman, leading author, counselor, and expert on relationship dynamics, warns:

“Walking away from relationships doesn’t provide the hoped-for relief, bring solutions, or simplify life. Rather, it piles on more problems through the lingering resentment and finger-pointing. For love to last for the long haul and through the stresses and complexities of life, love has to be more than something we feel. It has to be something we do. We have to demonstrate it concretely in our marriage, our family, among our friends and acquaintances, and, yes, even among our enemies” (Chapman, 2009).

Our behavioral response to the intrusion of habituation keeps love alive or finishes it off. By acting loving, and receiving loving actions in return, the presence of our partner keeps our heart engaged, leaping at the sight and embrace of our lover. This mature love is richer in emotion than the early stages of attraction. Our hearts leap not in response to momentary infatuation or desires for a wonderful future. In these relationships the felt experience of love is in response to years and decades of shared experience with all its wonder, security, and comfort that it has provided.

Realistic Expectations

​It is a ridiculous expectations that a evere act of a partner will appear loving. Our partners are human, experiencing the fluctuations of emotions and frustrations like everyone else. Occasionally life will distract, pulling their attention inward. If we are insecure, these moments spark fear, signaling the end of the relationship. However, these moments are just the normal sways of feeling that occur in every relationship. Partners occasionally feel bad, and we can make room for this, regulating our own fears.

It is important to note, feeling bad is not an excuse for abuse. Even in those moments when we are not at our best, we can still act loving.

Relationships build trust by partners working through the ebbs and flows of positive and discomforting emotions. When these ups and downs are not experiences of dishevel and meanness, partners learn they will be supported even during the hurtful, struggling, and anxiety ridden days. These are moments of opportunity to strengthen love. John Gottman refers to these opportunities as “sliding door moments.” Gottman explains that “sliding-door moments” are the “very small moments in which a need is expressed and the responsiveness of one’s partner is a test of trust. In these moments we test whether we can trust that our partner will turn toward our expressed need” (Gottman, 2011).

This security is only built through the consistently of loving acts given when life doesn’t feel so loving.

​”​You’ve probably heard the saying that “love is a verb”, and there’s a lot of truth behind that. Love isn’t something you can just say it’s something that you need to do. Therefore, love is action.”

~ Stephanie Kirby  | Better Help

Selfishness and Love

​The selfish exploit this need, painting a picture of need that never heals, leaving little or no room for a second heart. They seek a medal of honor when they cowardly refuse to give. The cowardly lover claims to be the knight in shining armor. When the relationship is at the brink of destruction, they painfully chime, “no one will ever love you like me.” They blur the facts, dismiss reality and continue to mistreat.

​Expressions of love that wait until we are exhausted and ready to flee are self-serving and without merit, merely a forceful attempt to dissuade the consequence of their unloving actions. This record has played a thousand times, the guilty lover returns just to find, once again, that when forgiveness is given, poor treatment returns. They live in the noun-ness of love. Love is an object in their world, once love is possessed nothing more needs to be done.

Associated Concepts

• Entangled Relationships: These relationships are characterized by bonding behaviors that impairs growth in both partners rather than lifting and expanding. Basically, these relationships demand partners to limit their lives in order to protect feelings of insecurity.
• Creating Intimacy: This refers to the work associated with creating a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person, marked by a sense of deep emotional connection and openness.
• Love Bombing: This is a manipulative tactic used to gain control and influence over someone. It involves showering a person with excessive attention, affection, and praise in order to create a strong emotional bond and dependency. This technique often occurs in the early stages of a relationship or interaction, and it aims to manipulate the targeted individual into feeling a deep connection or obligation.
• Dyadic Regulation: This involves mutual influence on each other’s emotions and support in close relationships. It begins in mother-infant bonds and continues throughout life. Emotional attunement, validation, partner buffering, and limiting negative affect are key techniques in dyadic regulation.
• Feeling Felt: This refers to the subjective experience of emotional attunement, where another person recognizes, and validates our emotional experience. Feeling felt is the sense that we exist in the mind of another person.
• Emotional Intimacy: This refers to the close emotional connection between individuals, characterized by trust, vulnerability, and the ability to openly share thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. It involves deep understanding and empathy, creating a sense of security and closeness in relationships.
• Love-Hate Relationships: This refers to a complex emotional bond between two individuals or entities, characterized by both intense feelings of love and deep frustrations or animosity. In such relationships, the individuals may experience conflicting emotions, oscillating between affection and resentment.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Love is a verb—an action. Not a one-time action, but a series of actions that testify of care, concern, and security. Love that exists as a verb occurs continuously during countless small moments, even when we are tired, sad or angry.

Ultimately, the journey of love is a continuous one. It requires ongoing effort, self-reflection, and a willingness to adapt and grow alongside our partners. It’s about nurturing the seeds of connection, cultivating understanding, and choosing love, again and again, even when it’s challenging. By embracing love as a verb, we move beyond passive expectations and actively cultivate relationships that are meaningful, fulfilling, and deeply enriching.

In conclusion, understanding love as an active verb empowers us to move beyond romantic notions and embrace the realities of building and sustaining healthy relationships. It encourages us to prioritize meaningful action, to cultivate empathy and understanding, and to choose love in every interaction. By actively choosing to love, we not only enrich the lives of those around us but also cultivate a deeper sense of fulfillment and joy within ourselves.

Last updated: December 7, 2025

References:

Chapman, Gary (2009). Love is a Verb: Stories of What Happens When Love Comes Alive. Bethany House Publishers. ISBN-10: 0764206745
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Gottman, John M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company; Illustrated edition. ISBN-10: 0393707407; APA Record: 2011-06848-000
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