The Puppet Master’s Playbook: Decoding Manipulative Behaviors

A primary human need is connection. We need people. we need affirmation, affection, and acceptance. Typically, we learn to fulfill these needs by building healthy intimate relationships. Learning to temper personal selfish drives and develop healthy relationships where each partner contributes to the wellness and growth of the other is a difficult task, especially for those that experienced childhoods in toxic households. Unfortunately, some children never learn the security of emotional intimacy. In replacement, they attempt to secure their belonging needs through manipulative behaviors.

Manipulative behaviors in close relationships can be subtle and insidious, causing emotional distress and undermining the well-being of one or both partners. Often, even the person employing the behaviors is unaware of their behavior. It’s crucial to recognize these behaviors and address them in a constructive manner to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship.

Understanding Manipulative Behaviors

Manipulative behaviors can manifest in various forms, such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive behavior, or constant criticism. These behaviors aim to exert control and influence over the other person, often at the expense of their emotional or mental well-being.

Several years ago, I wrote an article on relationship autonomy. The content of the article prompted one reader to blurt out, “but then she will do whatever she wants.” The whole concept of autonomy is based on freedom, allowing our lovers to be their own selves. Of course, this requires partners to live in such a manner that their lover’s choice is to stay and nurture the relationship. Instead of defense reactions, we can learn to adopt healthy pro-relationship building behaviors that strengthen the bond and the individuals.

Manipulative behaviors, on the other hand, often are used to shortcut normal relationship building actions. We force connection instead of invite connection. Manipulation is not just a part of emotionally abusive relationships. We all use manipulation on some level. When we want something different than what our partner desires, we often employ a variety of techniques to weigh compromises slightly in our favor. These techniques often include subtle manipulations.

Common Unhealthy Manipulations

Gaslighting

The act of gaslighting, which is a form of psychological manipulation, involves the deliberate attempt to make someone question their own perceptions, memories, and sanity. This kind of behavior can have profoundly damaging effects on the victim, leading to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self-worth. Gaslighting often occurs in abusive relationships or settings where one individual seeks to assert power and control over another. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting and understanding its impact is crucial in order to protect oneself and seek the necessary support. If left unaddressed, the long-term effects of gaslighting can be pervasive and deeply detrimental, affecting the emotional well-being and mental health of the individual who is subjected to it.

See Gaslighting for more on this topic

Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-tripping is a manipulative tactic that utilizes feelings of guilt to influence a partner into complying with specific wishes or demands. This behavior can foster a toxic cycle of emotional coercion and compromise the victim’s autonomy, potentially leading to long-lasting negative effects on the relationship. By exploiting an individual’s sense of guilt, the guilt-tripper gains an unfair advantage, creating a dynamic that erodes trust and mutual respect.

In relationships, it’s essential to foster open and honest communication, and to address concerns and desires authentically, without resorting to manipulative tactics. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and understanding, not on the exploitation of emotions or coercion. Recognizing and addressing guilt-tripping behavior is crucial for creating a supportive and respectful relationship environment.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior, as described by Psychology Fanatic, involves a pattern of indirect resistance to the requests or needs of a partner. This behavior can manifest in various forms, such as sulking, procrastination, or giving the silent treatment, ultimately leading to communication breakdowns and unresolved conflicts within the relationship. The subtle and often unintentional nature of passive-aggressive behavior can make it challenging to address, as it may not be immediately recognized or acknowledged by the individual exhibiting it. It is crucial for individuals and partners in relationships to recognize the signs of passive-aggressive behavior and communicate openly and effectively to address underlying issues. Understanding the impact of such behavior is vital in fostering healthy and constructive communication within a relationship to prevent further complications.

Passive-aggressive behavior is often a go around to openly asking and communicating needs. Perhaps, early in life a child had open requests for attention or affection rebuffed. Don and Martha Rosenthal explain that “low self-esteem breeds discomfort with asking directly. But in an indirect and indecisive manner of asking often feels annoying and manipulative” (Rosenthal & Rosenthal, 2016).

See Passive-Aggressive Behavior for more on this topic

Constant Criticism

The detrimental effects of constant criticism within a relationship cannot be overstated. When one partner consistently engages in criticism as a form of emotional manipulation, the impact on the other partner’s self-esteem and confidence can be profound. This continuous pattern of negative feedback can lead to feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, eroding the individual’s sense of self-worth and creating a toxic dynamic within the relationship. Over time, the targeted partner may internalize these criticisms, resulting in a diminished sense of identity and a pervasive feeling of not being “good enough.” Addressing and mitigating this behavior is crucial for fostering a healthy and supportive relationship environment.

John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, defines criticism as “a type of complaining that is designed as a global attack on the partner’s personality” (Gottman, 2011).

Jane Greer, a relationship counselor with over 25 years of experience, wrote that “criticism and blame are their main tools of control.” In relationships with manipulators, “any attempt to voice your opinion will turn into a power struggle, and you will get ignored or shut down” (Greer, 2010).

Fear

The use of fear as a tool for manipulation is a particularly potent and disturbing tactic. Fear is a profoundly impactful emotion, capable of driving individuals to extreme measures in order to protect themselves from potential harm, whether it be physical or emotional in nature. Manipulators are adept at recognizing the power of fear, and may resort to tactics such as physical or emotional abuse to instill this emotion within their targets. The mere possibility of a forceful or heated reaction is often enough to coerce others into compliance with their selfish desires, as individuals seek to maintain peace and avoid potential harm at any cost. This insidious dynamic can lead to a pervasive atmosphere of fear and control, ultimately undermining the well-being and autonomy of those subjected to such manipulation.

Addressing Manipulative Behaviors

Open Communication

Engage in open and honest communication to address any manipulative behaviors in the relationship. Create a safe space where both partners can express their concerns without fear of retribution. Many people fail to learn the power of vulnerability in a safe relationship. Istead, they work from a position of closed protection. Life experience and biological inheritance create a personal need for safety. However, in healthy relationships, we can expand our willingness for intimate connection, by slowing moving beyond our protective borders through open communication.

Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, explains that open expression of personal fears often invites a lover to reciprocate, “revealing his or her raw spots and their origins.” Such disclosures are often met with amazement. Johnson continues, “In my sessions with distressed couples, the first time one partner really owns and voices vulnerability, the other usually responds with shocked disbelief. The mate has only seen his or her lover’s surface emotional responses, the ones that cloak and hide the deeper vulnerabilities.”

Johnson warns that: “Simply recognizing and revealing our vulnerabilities won’t make them disappear. They’ve become built-in alarms, signaling that our emotional connection with key loved ones is in danger, and they can’t be easily turned off” (Johnson, 2008).

Setting Boundaries

The importance of establishing clear boundaries within a relationship cannot be overstated. Boundaries serve as a foundation for mutual respect and understanding, helping to create a healthy and balanced dynamic between individuals. By clearly delineating acceptable behavior, individuals in a relationship can better identify and address manipulative actions. This not only fosters a sense of security and trust, but also allows for open communication and the freedom to express one’s needs and feelings without fear of overstepping or being disregarded. Ultimately, establishing and respecting boundaries lays the groundwork for a sustainable and mutually fulfilling relationship.

Adelyn Birch wrote, “when we don’t have boundaries, we neglect who we are and what we want. As a result, we see the skewed image of ourselves reflected in the eyes of those to whom we give our power, and we mistake it for the truth” (Birch, 2014). Boundaries are a fundamental necessity for self-integrity. Without them, we lose autonomy and a solid sense of self.

See Relationship Boundaries for more on this topic

Seeking Support

Consider seeking the support of a therapist or counselor to navigate the complexities of manipulative behaviors in the relationship. Professional guidance can offer valuable insights and strategies for resolution. Furthermore, the expertise of a trained professional can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings and concerns.

Working with a therapist or counselor can empower you to develop healthy coping mechanisms and assertive communication skills, ultimately fostering a more balanced and fulfilling dynamic within your relationship. It’s important to prioritize your emotional well-being and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to the manipulative dynamics in your relationship. Remember, seeking support is a proactive step towards creating positive change and nurturing a healthier connection with your partner.

Self-Reflection

Encouraging self-reflection in both partners is crucial to identify and address the underlying issues contributing to manipulative behaviors. Taking the time to understand the root causes can facilitate the development of empathy and pave the way for constructive change within the relationship. It’s important for both individuals to engage in introspection and self-examination. These practices can lead to greater insight into their own behavior and the impact it on their partner. By fostering an environment of open communication and self-awareness, each partner can work towards building a healthier and more respectful dynamic, ultimately fostering a more fulfilling and mutually supportive relationship.

See Deep Reflection for more on this topic

Empowerment

Focus on empowering the victim of manipulative behaviors to regain their autonomy and self-confidence is crucial. By encouraging self-care, self-assertion, and personal growth, individuals can reclaim their sense of agency and independence. It’s important to create a supportive environment where they feel safe to explore their emotions and experiences. Through self-care practices such as mindfulness, exercise, and healthy boundaries, they can prioritize their well-being, establishing a foundation for healing. Additionally, fostering self-assertion enables individuals to communicate their needs effectively and set limits on harmful interactions. This can lead to increased confidence and a stronger sense of self-worth. Embracing personal growth through therapy, education, and pursuing passions allows individuals to move forward, constructing a fulfilling life beyond the manipulation.

Associated Concepts

• Altercasting: This behavior is used in the context of communication and means an individual manipulates personal identity and situational cues so that the Alter (other) adopts a particular identity or role type that serves the first individual’s personal goal.
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder: This is a mental condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy towards others. Individuals with this disorder often have a grandiose view of their own talents and achievements, and may seek to exploit others for their own gain.
• Entitlement: Feeling entitled to special treatment and expecting others to cater to their desires without reciprocation.
• Gaslighting: This is a technique to manipulate others associated with narcissism. The manipulator creates mental instability by confusing realities, denying known facts, purposely contradicting themselves, and changing environments.
• Love Bombing: This is a manipulative tactic used to gain control and influence over someone. It involves showering a person with excessive attention, affection, and praise in order to create a strong emotional bond and dependency.
• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: This refers to a pattern of expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through subtle or covert means, rather than openly addressing them. It typically involves a combination of passive resistance, avoidance, and subtle acts of defiance.
• Emotional Abuse: This is a pattern of behavior aimed at gaining power and control over another person through the use of emotions. It can involve undermining an individual’s self-worth, manipulating their emotions, or subjecting them to constant criticism, blame, or humiliation.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., wrote that “we all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs not out of a desire to give from the heart but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion” (Rosenberg, 2015). We grow tired of manipulations. Consequently, relationships lose their good feeling. It is much better when we give because we love, not out of manipulation.

Recognizing and addressing manipulative behaviors in a relationship is essential for fostering a healthy and respectful partnership. By acknowledging these behaviors and taking proactive steps to address them, partners can cultivate a supportive and nurturing environment. We build healthy relationships on mutual trust and understanding. Understanding, empathy, and open communication are fundamental in overcoming manipulative behaviors and fostering a thriving and harmonious relationship.

Last Update: July 23, 2025

References:

Birch, Adelyn (2014). Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform. (Return to Article)

Gottman, John (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company; Illustrated edition. (Return to Article)

Greer, Jane (2010). What About Me?: Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship. Sourcebooks Casablanca. (Return to Article)

Johnson, Sue (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark; First Edition. (Return to Article)

Rosenberg, Marshall B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships. PuddleDancer Press; Third Edition, Third edition. (Return to Article)

Rosenthal, Don; Rosenthal, Martha (2016). Learning To Love: From Conflict To Lasting Harmony. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 2nd edition. (Return to Article)