​Importance of Loving Behaviors

Bonds strengthen from loving behaviors. A nurtured and developed connection navigates conflicts without shaking underlying foundations. Each partner feels the reassurance of respect even when issues remain unresolved.

When the conflicts are non-threatening, the relationship is secure. David Richo in his book, How to be an Adult in Relationships, says that relationships strengthen through Acceptance, Appreciation, Attention, Affection, and Allowance (the Five A’s) (Richo, 2002). We create secure bonds by resisting emotionally spurred impulses that intrude on these five A’s of relationship connection.

John Gottman in his “love labs” found that the strength of a relationship is not created by lack of conflict but by how conflict is addressed (Gottman, 2011).

​Managing conflict is an essential relationship skill. Does conflict set in motion uncontrollable fears, leading to regrettable behaviors or does it signal an obstacle that simply needs constructive solutions but does not shake the security in the relationship. Several factors play into our response to a conflict, skillfully improving how we respond at these critical junctures is essential for a healthy relationship.

​Emotions and Relationships

The stabbing emotional darts, shooting from insecurities, erupts in fear and anger, puncturing the warmth of companionship. The conflict evolves from a manageable negotiation to a frightening battle for power.

​The personal ebb and flow of feelings when unmanaged victimizes partners. The safety that intimate relationships should provide is destroyed. When mundane behaviors sporadically invite condemning wrath, relationships become unpredictable, losing stability and inviting protections. The openness is curtailed and intimacy damaged.

​Love and Relationship Security

​One of the greatest achievements in love is building a bond that creates security. This requires dual tasks. Often insecurity flows from within. We fear abandonment because of attachment injuries in the past. The trauma then carries over into present relationships. 

Not all insecurity is from the past. Sometimes we experience fears because the relationship is frightening. A relationship bully may manipulate a partner by creating an unstable environment, utilizing techniques such as gaslighting. Rebecca Noori explains that security in a relationship “happens when the emotional needs of both partners are met” (Noori, 2023).

Sometimes healthy lovers neglect the bonds and they begin to drift apart. In this case the discomforting insecurity is not an emotional scar but a helpful alarm to reconnect.

​Blame and Insecurity

Blame can interfere with creating a secure environment for both partners. A partner constantly blamed for something they can’t change, such as a partners intense insecurity, begins to feel insecure themselves. The partner blaming also is sliding down the slippery slope of an unsolvable problem. Of the problem reside in their own feels and reactions, pointing to external problems will never solve the discomforting emotions of insecurity.

The emotionally volatile person often contributes their extreme emotions to the environment. If they feel bad, they attribute the cause to their partner. The person suffering from extreme fits of jealousy or insecurity often unrealistically expects the partner to resolve their strong emotions.

These mis-directions are subtle and destructive. Like a malignant tumor, these damaging accusations spread, infecting the entire relationship. One partner feels falsely accused, while the other feels ruthlessly ignored. Each conflict furthers the divide, demanding more calloused tactics, and deeper hurts. The impact of a behavior is magnified or diminished by the meaning we give to it. Some behaviors are inherently bad and hurt the relationship whether we paint it brightly or not. Other behaviors have little impact until we interpret the act as hostile or mean spirited.

​Our subjective meanings hurt or heal. Our assumed meaning of a partner’s behavior directly impacts the relationship. Even if we weren’t ignored, but simply felt ignored, we store the emotional memory of being ignored. These memories accumulate, tainting new experiences with accompanying biases built upon past interpretations. Negative assessments in the present influence our views in the future.

​Downward Relationship Spirals

We begin downward spirals, reacting to small disruptions with fear and anger. Small disruptions, however, are where the security affirming behaviors strengthen the connection, building intimacy and closeness. Unresolved small rifts accumulate, distorting assessments, leaving the relationship burdened with unnecessary resentments and guilt. Partners adopt a negative view of their partners. In psychology, we refer to this as negative sentiment override. Negative judgements override even neutral behaviors. Negative judgements suck our relationship into a downward spiral, where we lose relationship security, and flounder in fear.

As humans, we have moments of disconnection, distraction, or moodiness. Those moments are not the entirety of our character—a temporary deviation. By labeling these deviations as more, over-simplifying the entirety of character, we begin the distancing that is so harmful. Our judgments, especially during heightened emotions, ignores the complexities of personality, creating devastation. We and our partners deserve more than a moment by moment assessment of character. Strong relationships tend to error in the opposite way, evaluating with greater generosity, similar to that common in early connection.

The emotional waves, faulty assessments and character assassination redirect focus from necessary work to strengthen a relationship; instead we are engaged in partner fixing. Discussions no longer are resolution focus but endless battles to affix blame.

Associated Concepts

• Emotional Safety: This refers to the feeling of being secure, supported, and comfortable expressing one’s thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. It encompasses trust, empathy, open communication, and the absence of emotional harm or manipulation.
• Autonomy in Relationships: This refers to the ability and freedom for each individual to make their own decisions, express their own opinions, and pursue their own interests within the context of the relationship.
• Attachment Style: These are patterns of behavior in close relationships that develop in early childhood and continue into adulthood. They are influenced by the quality of the bond between an infant and their primary caregiver.
• Emotional Intimacy: This refers to the close emotional connection between individuals, characterized by trust, vulnerability, and the ability to openly share thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. It involves deep understanding and empathy, creating a sense of security and closeness in relationships.
• Self-Disclosure Theory: This theory refers to the act of sharing personal information, essential in building trust and intimacy. Risks include manipulation and loss of privacy. Proper self-disclosure cultivates healthy relationships and emotional well-being.
• Emotional Vulnerability: This refers to the state of being open to and affected by emotions, often in a raw and authentic manner. It involves the willingness to expose and share one’s feelings, fears, and insecurities with others, fostering genuine connections and empathy.
• Commitment Issues: This refers to inability to make long-term promises to others—particularly intimate partners. Typically, this involves a traumatic past, where commitment is frightens.
• Trust in Relationships: This refers to partners having a the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of your partner. It is the cornerstone of a healthy and successful relationship, built on open communication, honesty, and mutual respect. Trust allows individuals to feel secure and supported, fostering emotional intimacy and connection.

A Few Words from Psychology Fanatic

We must be prepared. New relationships typically are not the answer in themselves. Eventually, the new relationship will experience the subsiding of euphoria. If not anticipated, the loss prompts fear—frightening sensations that the relationship is dying. The fear may motivate positive behaviors (Acceptance, Appreciation, Attention, Affection, and Allowance); but may also motivate destructive defensive behaviors. Intense fear demands action—controlling, manipulating, clinging, jealousy, and emotional outburst.

Many dismiss these unhealthy reactions as normal consequences of intense love. But this justification cripples our honest acceptance, limiting our ability to address harmful behaviors early before they accumulate and destroy. Beware!

We should continue to enjoy the sentiments of a timely love song; but also remember the strength of the bond is dependent on skilled work, employing energies towards David Ricoh’s five A’s—Acceptance, Appreciation, Attention, Affection, and Allowance. In conclusion, our mindful work to connect provides necessary nurturing behaviors that write our own love song; one that goes on, even through the conflict, to create a secure and lasting relationship.