In the darkest moments, a blinding fog obscures hopeful visions. We can’t see past the pain. We envision physical injury when we speak of pain. However, some of the most painful injuries are to our psyche. Emotional pain hurts.

The cold winter’s visit coloring the entire world as grey; but our lives, in time, will emerge from the frozen, thawing to the warmth and freshness of spring. Moods aren’t constant; they drift through stages; winters followed by springs, transitioning to summers and settling in autumns. The frigid days of winter lengthen, and the sun shines a bit warmer. New life quietly bursts through the frozen landscape. This constant circle of endings and new beginnings is taught by the seasons. We know summer will arrive; but during the frozen winters, we still are chilled and the pain hurts.

Pain is Pain

Pain is pain; whether physical or emotional, the pain hurts. When we experience pain, it dominates consciousness, demanding attention and diverting focus. We naturally respond to the painful cues, signaling that something’s wrong. We are programmed to seek resolve from discomfort. Unseen urgings push for action. the pain hurts and we want relief.

​Pain is essential. We instinctively pull our hand out of the fire. Without pain, protective reactions would slow, exposing us to deeper injury. Whether pain is physical or emotional, the hurt demands action to secure relief—something is wrong, and we need to attend to it, NOW!

Causes of Emotional Pain

Emotional pain often gathers around something that matters deeply to us. A relationship ends, trust is broken, or a hoped-for future becomes uncertain. The hurt involves both what happened and what the experience means for our lives. Our interpretations and our sense of whether we can manage the situation help shape the emotional response (Gross, 1998).

Our connections with others are particularly tender places. Baumeister and Leary (1995) described belonging as a fundamental human motivation, drawing together research on our need for lasting, caring relationships. When those bonds are threatened or broken, we may experience anxiety, loneliness, grief, or anger. The absence of a familiar voice can leave an ache that reaches far beyond the quiet room.

Sadness, fear, and shame are therefore often forms the pain takes, rather than explanations of what caused it. Understanding the hurt requires looking beneath the emotional label. We may be grieving someone’s absence, fearing another rejection, or interpreting a disappointment as evidence that we are unworthy of love. The outward event offers only part of the picture; its personal meaning also deserves attention (Baumeister & Leary, 1995; Gross, 1998).

We need care in making these distinctions. Exploring our interpretation should never become another way of dismissing an injury. A betrayal may be real, and the conclusions we draw from it may still deserve examination. We can acknowledge what someone did without accepting that their behavior defines our worth.

Emotional Pain is an Inevitable Part of Life

Christopher Germer, a renowned clinical psychologist and Harvard Medical School instructor that specializes in the practice of mindfulness and self-compassion, solemnly reminds:

“No matter how hard we try to avoid emotional pain, it follows us everywhere. Difficult emotions—shame, anger, loneliness, fear, despair, confusion—arrive like clockwork at our door. They come when things don’t go according to our expectations, when we’re separated from loved ones, and as a part of ordinary sickness, old age, and death. It’s just not possible to avoid feeling bad” (Germer, 2009).

One of the greatest sources of emotional pain is when the hurt comes from someone we trusted. Instead of receiving support from them, they surprise us with disloyalty. Another magnifier of pain is lack of control over the object causing the hurt. Diana Fosha, distinguished scholar of emotion, attachment, and therapeutic transformation, wrote that pain is excruciating when “something external impinges and intrudes on us, breaks through protective devices, and is unresponsive to the individual’s efforts to stop it” (Fosha, 2000).

Healing From Injury

Understanding why we hurt does not immediately quiet the ache. We may see the circumstances clearly and still feel sorrow when the house grows quiet. Healing asks us to attend to the experience with enough patience to discover what kind of response it needs.

Emotion regulation involves more than changing our thoughts. Gross (1998) described several points at which we can influence an emotional experience, including the situations we enter, the conditions we change, where we direct attention, and the meanings we give events. Applied to emotional pain, this offers a broader view of healing. Sometimes we need to reconsider an assumption. Sometimes we need practical help, a difficult conversation, or protection from continuing harm.

Consider a friend’s unanswered message. We may quickly conclude that we no longer matter. Examining that conclusion leaves room for other explanations. A repeated pattern of humiliation, however, calls for attention to the relationship itself. A useful response considers both the evidence around us and the story forming within us.

When emotion is intense, the immediate task may be smaller: getting through the next stretch of time without adding another injury. In her discussion of dialectical behavior therapy skills, Van Dijk (2012) describes distress tolerance as a way of enduring difficult moments without turning to responses that create further problems. A temporary pause or a soothing activity may provide room to choose our next action more carefully.

Pain may remain while we make these choices. We can acknowledge the hurt, address what can be changed, and allow ourselves support with what cannot presently be resolved. Healing need not begin with feeling better. It can begin with responding more carefully to how we feel.

Therapy for Emotional Pain

Many therapies focus on relieving pain. Dialectical Behavior Therapy’ is The ‘s major emphasis is to help clients “learn to bear emotional pain skillfully” (Dijk, 2012). Sometimes we need professional help to walk through the confusing labyrinth of human emotion and healing.

Other notable therapies supported by evidence:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This form of psychotherapy helps individuals understand and change harmful thought and behavior patterns.
• Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): A program that incorporates mindfulness meditation to help people manage stress and emotional pain.
• Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT): Combines cognitive therapy with mindfulness techniques and is particularly effective for preventing relapse in depression.
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Encourages individuals to accept their emotions as a natural response and commit to actions aligned with their values.

These therapies can be powerful tools for healing and are often more effective when guided by a professional. It’s important to consult with a healthcare provider to determine the best approach for individual needs.

See Therapy Styles for more on therapy

When We Judge Ourselves for Hurting

Sometimes the original pain is followed by a second struggle. We feel lonely, then ashamed of needing connection. We grieve, then criticize ourselves for grieving too long. The first emotion becomes the occasion for another wound.

Van Dijk (2012) describes secondary emotions as feelings that arise in response to an initial emotion. Judging ourselves for being afraid, sad, or hurt can add distress to an already difficult experience. We are then carrying both the original sorrow and the belief that we are failing because we feel it.

Self-compassion offers another way of meeting these moments. Germer (2009) emphasizes responding to emotional pain with kindness and understanding. We might begin with a modest acknowledgment: this matters to me, and it hurts. Such recognition gives the feeling a place in our experience without turning it into a verdict on our character.

Acceptance also leaves room for action. Acknowledging anger does not require acting on every angry urge. Recognizing grief does not close the door to future happiness. We can understand why a feeling is present while choosing how to respond to it (Van Dijk, 2012).

The winter described at the beginning of this article may still be cold. We cannot demand spring into being. Yet we can offer ourselves some shelter while we wait, easing the added burden of believing we should never have felt the cold.

A Few Words from Psychology Fanatic

A wrong diagnosis of cause prevents healing; we bandage the wrong wound, attacking nontoxic intruders. The clearer the picture, the more effective our response. If the root of the pain is thoughts, we must challenge them while refraining from pointless blaming. But if the pain is from being wronged, we also address this, distancing ourselves for protection.

Without proper focus, we errantly retaliate against the wrong sources, alienating possible support, confusing areas of personal control, and damage futures. Embracing and addressing emotional pain is an essential part of the healing process, and seeking support from loved ones or mental health professionals can be invaluable in navigating through it.

However, when we try unproven or harmful remedies in our attempts to recover, these misguided efforts don’t only delay and frustrate recovery but prolong and intensify the pain. We fail to gain wisdom from the hurts; discouraged, we give up, pain intensifies, and psychic defensiveness intervenes. When efforts pull us further from desired destinations, we eventually quit struggling and get swept up in the strong currents of a painful existence of chaos.

Associated Concepts

• Belongingness: Our need for lasting, caring relationships helps explain why rejection, separation, and loneliness can hurt so deeply. Emotional pain often reflects the significance of a threatened or broken connection (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).
• Emotional Regulation: The processes through which we influence the course and expression of emotion. Regulation may involve changing a difficult situation, redirecting attention, or reconsidering its meaning while remaining attentive to what the feeling reveals (Gross, 1998).
• Cognitive Reappraisal: Reconsidering an experience in ways that alter its emotional impact. Reappraisal is especially relevant when a painful event becomes a sweeping conclusion about our worth or future; it leaves room to question that conclusion while acknowledging the injury (Gross, 1998).
• Affect Tolerance: The capacity to remain with difficult feelings without immediately becoming overwhelmed or acting impulsively. Closely related distress-tolerance skills emphasize getting through painful moments without creating further harm (Van Dijk, 2012).
• Emotional Validation: Recognizing a feeling and understanding it within the circumstances of a person’s life. Applied inwardly, validation allows us to acknowledge our hurt without condemning ourselves for experiencing it or endorsing every urge that accompanies it (Van Dijk, 2012).
• Self-Compassion: Meeting personal suffering with kindness and understanding. Self-compassion offers a gentler response to the self-criticism that can gather around emotional pain, allowing us to care for ourselves while we work through what happened (Germer, 2009).

References:

Baumeister, Roy F.; Leary, Mark R. (1995). The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. DOI: 10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497.
(Return to Main Text)

Fosha, Diana (2000). The Transforming Power Of Affect: A Model For Accelerated Change. Basic Books. ISBN: 9780465095674
(Return to Main Text)

Germer, Christopher (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. Guilford Publications. ISBN: 9781606232842.
(Return to Main Text)

Gross, James J. (1998). The Emerging Field of Emotion Regulation: An Integrative Review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299. DOI: 10.1037/1089-2680.2.3.271.
(Return to Main Text)

Van Dijk, Sheri (2012). Calming the Emotional Storm: Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Manage Your Emotions and Balance Your Life. New Harbinger Publications. ISBN: 9781608820870.
(Return to Main Text)