How To Take Advice (Without Feeling Undermined)

Several years ago, a visitor to Flourishing Life Society facebook page viciously attacked a posting. I was hurt. It has been five years now, I can’t even remember which posting provoked their venomous attack. She eventually moved from the single post to the entire content of the page, and then to me as the creator. She dismissed my thoughts as unoriginal hubris. And then, she claimed authority as a teacher, only to belittled my writing as juvenile, and full of unimpressive fluff. A few followers came to my defense; she then attacked them with the same viciousness. However, upon further examination, I found buried in her attack was some legitimate wisdom to heed. While she was poor ay giving advice, I was also poor at receiving advice.

My initial reaction was to ignore what she said; it hurt. I felt defensive. Clearly, her comments didn’t motivate me to improve. In my mind, To protect my ego, i entertained thoughts like, “What kind of teacher is she?” and “I wonder if she undermines her students’ efforts too.” Then, I started thinking about my own self-confidence and thought, “How dare she insult my well-intentioned efforts.” Eventually, I realized that my entry had upset her, and she reacted defensively. My justifications were valid and came easy—she broke the rules of politeness. Her harsh and poorly expressed judgments didn’t deserve my attention. But the real lessons were yet to come.

The Power of Advice

Receiving advice is an integral part of personal and professional growth. It involves more than mere listening—it encompasses understanding, evaluating, and integrating diverse perspectives into one’s own life or work. However, our first response to advice is often to pullback in protection. Marshall B. Rosenberg wrote:

“Human beings, when hearing any kind of demand, tend to resist because it threatens our autonomy—our strong need for choice” (Rosenberg, 2015).

Courage and Humility to Learn

Once my emotions settled, I reflected on her comments. I noticed valid points obscured by her harsh presentation, criticisms that deserved attention. Once my ego interference was dismantled, I learned from her ill presented advice.

Receiving advice (however it’s presented) requires courage and humility. For us to learn, we must accept the flow of knowledge that originates from the outside. This implicitly acknowledges deficits of understanding. We don’t have all the answers and we are vulnerable to unknowns. Awareness to our deficits accepts vulnerability stirring fears. Falsely believing we have a special gift of all knowing knowledge is comforting.

​We create security by believing that our impulses, thoughts and actions are beyond reproach. When we encounter conflicting opinions, we quickly discredit either the content or the presentation and merrily move on. When we accept advice, on the other hand, we must acknowledge weakness. I warned a dear friend—pointing out all the obvious signs—that his employment was about to be terminated unless he addressed some personal issues. Proudly and in self-defiance, he declared they needed him too much. Sadly, within two weeks, he was unemployed.

The Importance of Advice

Advice serves as a navigational tool, guiding individuals through the complexities of decision-making. Whether it stems from a mentor, a friend, or an expert, good advice can illuminate pathways previously unseen and provide clarity in moments of uncertainty. It acts as a bridge between experience and action, allowing individuals to benefit from the lessons learned by others without enduring the same hardships.

Learning from Others

One of the greatest benefits of receiving advice is the opportunity to learn from the experiences of others. This can save time, effort, and resources while avoiding potential pitfalls. For instance, seasoned professionals can offer insights into industry trends, effective strategies, and common mistakes, helping newcomers to navigate their careers with greater confidence and competence.

Lev Vygotsky taught that children “first learn to do something from collaboration with others before they can do it themselves” (Silalahi, 2019). Vygotsky believed that human development is “conceptualized as located not ‘under the skull’ but in the process of ongoing social transactions” (Stetsenko & Arievitch, 2004). Our societies continue to reach new heights of knowledge because we do not need to learn everything for ourselves. We can integrate the knowledge of those that have preceded us in this journey.

See Zone of Proximal Development for more on this topic

Building Trust and Relationships

The act of seeking and receiving advice fosters trust and strengthens relationships. It demonstrates humility and a willingness to learn, which are qualities that can endear individuals to their peers and mentors. By valuing the input of others, one cultivates a supportive network that can be relied upon in times of need.

Thomas Merton believed that compassion had to be based on :”A keen awareness of the interdependence of all living things, which are all part of one another and all involved in one another” (Johnson, 2008). We are interdependent. We need others and others need us. In important relationships, we must be open to advice. It benefits the giver and the receiver, allowing them to grow interdependent, benefiting from the wisdom of two lifetimes of experience.

Challenges in Receiving Advice

Despite its benefits, receiving advice is not without its challenges. It requires discernment, open-mindedness, and sometimes, a thick skin.

Discernment

Not all advice is created equal. The ability to discern useful advice from well-meaning but misguided suggestions is crucial. This involves evaluating the source of the advice, considering the context in which it is given, and determining its relevance to one’s own situation. Critical thinking skills are essential in this process, as they enable individuals to filter out noise and focus on actionable insights.

Balancing Independence and Guidance

While advice can be invaluable, it is important not to become overly reliant on external input. Balancing independence with a willingness to seek guidance is key to personal growth. Individuals must develop the confidence to make their own decisions while remaining open to constructive feedback.

Albert Bandura wrote:

“The strength of a person’s convictions in their own effectiveness is likely to affect whether they will even try to cope with given situations” (Bandura, 1977, p. 193).

Harry T. Reis and his colleagues posit that well-being depends on the satisfaction of two basic needs: competence and autonomy (Reis et al. 2000). Basically, we need the sense we have the ability to successfully self-govern our lives and the confidence that we will make the right decisions.

See Dependence Personality Disorder for more on this topic

Facing Criticism

Advice often comes in the form of criticism, which can be difficult to accept. However, embracing constructive criticism is vital for improvement. It requires a mindset shift from viewing criticism as a personal attack to seeing it as an opportunity for growth. Developing resilience and a positive attitude towards feedback can transform potential setbacks into powerful learning experiences.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a distinguished professor of psychology and management at Claremont Graduate University, wrote “Some people have an uncanny ability to match their skills to the opportunities around them. They set manageable goals for themselves even when there does not seem to be anything for them to do.” He continues, “they are good at reading feedback that others fail to notice” (Csikszentmihalyi, 2009). Feedback is an essential part of successfully working with goals. One important mechanism of feedback is through criticism.

We need some negative feedback, bringing attention to areas in need of improvement. Being on the giving or receiving end of negative feedback is uncomfortable. Art Markman, Ph.D., wrote in his book on change:

“It is important to be willing to make people uncomfortable when working with them to change behavior” (Markman, 2015).

“Great Advice lifts you up and helps you unlock levels of your heart and your mind you never knew were there. It helps you show up more fully for yourself and others. It helps you claim your life as your own. But the best advice goes further. It is essential. It is universal. It is truth wrapped in carefully-chosen words.”

~Chris Rackcliffe

Protecting Our Ego

During the natural course of living, we accumulate knowledge; but individual experience is limited; we have serious limitations. We are limited by the imperfect means of gathering facts. We have misguided interpretations of experiences and misguided interpretations trigger unneeded fears, shame and false assumptions. In addition, we then compound the wrongness by defensively protecting our misguided beliefs. We march forward, ignoring obvious warnings, until we plunge off the edge of the cliff.

Self-justification and defensive thoughts protect the ego while simultaneous leading us further off course. Advice only clears distorted perspectives for those humble enough to receive it. Many miss the nuggets of wisdom by clinging to the comforts of pretended omniscience, dismissing the endless library of knowledge only available through openness to others.

William Damon, a professor of education at Stanford University, explains that we must “always be aware that we may be inadvertently going about things the wrong way.” He explains that, “Such awareness is commonly called ‘humility.’ He then concludes that “being willing and able to self-correct provides essential insurance against creating accidental harm. Severe damage is caused by people who heedlessly barrel ahead after they have been given warning that they are on a destructive course” (Damon, 2003).

See Self-Justification for more on this topic

Strategies for Effectively Receiving Advice

To make the most of the advice one receives, it is helpful to adopt certain strategies.

Active Listening

Active listening is a foundational skill in receiving advice. It involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what is being said. This means putting aside distractions, maintaining eye contact, and engaging with the speaker. By practicing active listening, one shows respect for the advisor and ensures that the advice is accurately received and understood.

See Active Listening for more on this topic

Asking Clarifying Questions

To gain a deeper understanding of the advice being offered, it is important to ask clarifying questions. This can help to unpack complex ideas, clarify intentions, and ensure that no crucial details are overlooked. Questions such as “Can you elaborate on that?” or “What would you recommend in this specific context?” can provide valuable insights that might not have been immediately apparent.

Reflecting on the Advice

Taking time to reflect on the advice received allows for a more thoughtful integration of new ideas. This reflection can involve weighing the pros and cons, considering the potential outcomes, and aligning the advice with one’s own values and goals. Journaling or discussing the advice with a trusted confidant can further aid in this reflective process.

See Deep Reflection for more on this topic

Applying the Advice

Ultimately, the value of advice is realized through its application. Acting on advice requires courage and a willingness to step out of one’s comfort zone. It involves setting actionable goals, implementing changes, and monitoring progress. By taking tangible steps based on the advice received, individuals can experience meaningful growth and positive change.

See Change Through Action for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Autonomy (A Success Trait): This refers to the capacity for an individual to make independent choices and decisions without external influence or coercion. It is a fundamental concept in several psychological theories, including humanistic and self-determination theories. research links autonomy to feelings of personal agency, freedom, and self-governance.
• Self-Determination Theory (SDT): Developed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, this theory emphasizes autonomy as one of the three basic psychological needs, along with competence and relatedness, that are essential for fostering intrinsic motivation and psychological well-being.
• Social Exchange Theory: This theory posits that relationships are formed and maintained based on a cost-benefit analysis. This theory explains that individuals seek to maximize rewards and minimize costs.
• McClelland’s Three Needs Theory: This theory proposes that three primary needs motivate production and success in individuals. These needs are: the need for achievement, the need for affiliation, and the need for power. When giving advice, understanding these core needs help provide proper guidance.
• Feedback Loops: These refer to the cyclical process through which information or responses from the environment or individuals’ own behavior influence their thoughts, emotions, or behaviors. These loops can be either positive or negative.
• The Four Stages of Competence: These stages are also known as the “conscious competence” learning model. They are a psychological framework that describes the process of learning a new skill or behavior.

A Few Words from Psychology Fanatic

​A wise person weighs advice from a variety of people and then makes an educated judgment only after carefully considering the evidence. True wisdom doesn’t dismiss others’ ideas as faulty because they ignite emotion. Wisdom continually and willingly seeks new knowledge.

As for me, this story has a happy ending. She was right. My writing contained several flaws. The content was very antidotal. I presented problems, sang the common tunes of cures, and moved on. I had work to do; writing workshops to attend; and serious soul searching to complete.  My writing still lags, chasing my dreams of where I would like it to be; but I’m improving.

​Each year, I revisit the past entries, recognizing the lack of substance and the distracting litter of unneeded words and phrases. The young teacher with her stinging words disappeared after her dramatic remarks. I hope she has grown too.​When receiving advice, we must remain mindful of ego involvement. Notice the kindled emotions arising and the churning of defensiveness. Loss of security is discomforting. Our automatic response to loss is to attack, attempting to restore safety. By mindfully acknowledging the ego’s influence, we can step back and weigh advice, benefiting from the wealth of experience flowing from others. Sometimes great insights are gleaned from feedback presented in unloving ways.

Last updated: December 15, 2025

References:

Bandura, Albert (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215. DOI: 10.1037/0033-295X.84.2.191
(Return to Main Text)

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly (2009). The Evolving Self: Psychology for the Third Millennium. HarperCollins; Reprint edition. ISBN-10: 0062842587
(Return to Main Text)

Damon, William (2003). Noble Purpose: The Joy of Living a Meaningful Life. Templeton Foundation Print. ISBN-10: 1932031545
(Return to Main Text)

Johnson, Susan M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Basic Books; First Edition. ISBN-13: 9780316113007
(Return to Main Text)

Markman, Art (2015). Smart Change: Five Tools to Create New and Sustainable Habits in Yourself and Others. Tarcher-Perigee; Reprint edition. ISBN-10: 039916412X
(Return to Main Text)

Reis, H., Sheldon, K., Gable, S., Roscoe, J., & Ryan, R. (2000). Daily Well-Being: The Role of Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 26(4), 419-435. DOI: 10.1177/0146167200266002
(Return to Main Text)

Rosenberg, Marshall B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships. Puddle-Dancer Press; Third Edition, Third edition. ISBN-10: 189200528X
(Return to Main Text)

Silalahi, Rentauli Mariah (2019). Understanding Vygotsky’s Zone of Proximal Development for Learning. Polyglot: Jurnal Ilmiah. DOI: 10.19166/pji.v15i2.1544
(Return to Main Text)

Stetsenko, A., & Arievitch, I. (2004). The Self in Cultural-Historical Activity Theory. Theory & Psychology, 14(4), 475-503. DOI: 10.1177/0959354304044921
(Return to Main Text)