Resisting Change: Exploring Our Tendency to Oppose Change

How dare you suggest I need to change! The very thought can evoke a defensive response, as many of us cling tightly to our established identities and beliefs. Over the decades, words fall in and out of vogue, yet one concept that has continually stirred controversy is ‘change.’ This term has taken a beating over the last three decades due to the self-esteem movement’s influence on society.

We have been conditioned to shower our children with ego-boosting phrases designed to build their self-confidence and strengthen their self-image. While these affirmations serve a purpose, they often create an environment where individuals become too comfortable with who they are—leading them to resist necessary growth.

As we coddle sensitivities with reminders like “you are wonderful just the way you are,” it becomes apparent that sometimes this approach may not be conducive to achieving personal or professional goals. When faced with challenges outside their comfort zone, individuals must venture into the real world where adaptation takes center stage.

The journey toward assimilation begins at an early age; however, if one fails to embrace change and adapt accordingly, life can swiftly become overwhelming. It is crucial for both children and adults alike to recognize that resisting change may hinder their ability to thrive in dynamic environments filled with opportunities for growth and learning.

Recognizing Our Need for Change

It’s not that we should dismantle the barriers that protect us; rather, we must recognize the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries to preserve our integrity of self. Boundaries serve as vital frameworks for our emotional and psychological well-being, allowing us to define who we are and what we stand for. However, the issue arises when these necessary boundaries morph into impenetrable fortresses, demanding that others conform to our rigid expectations. Such inflexibility can create a toxic environment where relationships struggle under the weight of unbending rules. Individuals become blind to the social realities of interaction and lose sight of the nuances involved in connecting with others. The rigidity often results in isolation or conflict, as those around us may feel stifled or invalidated.

For young adults navigating this complex landscape, it is crucial to challenge these childhood scripts that promote an inflated sense of “wonderfulness.” Failing to do so can lead them toward a life filled with frustrations and unmet desires for authenticity and connection. As they confront their upbringing’s unrealistic ideals, they must learn to balance their self-worth with openness to change and growth. This process involves reevaluating past beliefs about themselves while embracing vulnerability—the very essence required for genuine relationships. Only by breaking down these mental fortifications can they foster healthier interactions built on mutual understanding and respect, ultimately leading them toward more fulfilling lives enriched by meaningful connections with others.

Anxiety of Change

The anxiety of change is not new to the human psyche. Humans have always been challenged to create balance between the security of sameness and courageous adventures. Yet, even in the relative predictableness of stagnation, we complain. We want the benefits of growth while fearfully wrapping ourselves in security. We want the promotion without the perspiration. Paradoxically, we want rights respected while ignoring the rights of others. Basically, we want to live a fantasy on an island populated by adoring others committed to fulfilling our needs, while honoring our specialness.

Harriet Lerner wrote:

“Two things will never change: the will to change and the fear of change. Both are essential to our well-being and to the preservation of our relationships. We all move back and forth between our desire to learn, risk, experiment, and grow—and our anxiety about doing so. Change brings loss in its wake, even when it’s a change we truly and deeply want to make” (Lerner, 2005).

​See Anxiety of Change for more on this topic 

Uncomfortable Emotions of Change

Change, whether desired personal change or externally impose change creates discomfort. We relish similarity and patterns. The more familiar an environment the more predictable it is. This create security, soothing anxieties of the unknown. However, the stress associated with change is not negative. It is a biological function, signaling a need for caution.

In Physis, ‘stress’ refers to the interaction between a force and the resistance to counter that force. Hans Selye used the word ‘stress’ to describe the “nonspecific response of the body to any demand” (Siang et al., 2018). Richard Lazarus wrote that emotion arises “from certain kinds of adaptive transactions or commerce a person is having with his environment” (Lazarus, 1974).

Stress is a given of life. Survival is earned through successfully navigating changes. Stress plays an intricate role in adaptation. Selye believed that “stress is the spice of life,” arising from both pleasant and unpleasant activities. Our goal, then, is not freedom from all stress, but rather to keep stress in manageable portions (Krech, 2012).

It is only when the discomfort of change overwhelms our ability to cope that a concern arises.

Regulating the Emotion

When change creates overwhelming emotions exceeding our current ability to cope, we should take note. Continuing without sufficient resources can severely impact mental health. We must tread carefully, managing environments, finding external resources, and utilizing efficient coping techniques.

Daniel Siegel explains that we must regulate emotional arousals to bring more balance into our lives. He suggests that we regulate the emotions through adapting to the environment. “The outcome of healthy regulation is to coordinate and balance our functions so that we are adapting to our ever-changing environment” (Siegel, 2020).

​See Emotional Regulation for more on this topic

We Can’t Expect the World to Change

We are a curious species with conflicting needs. Often, our desired resolution is for others to adjust, instead of making adjustments ourselves. But assimilating is scary, our specialness is swallowed up, lost in the swamp of others. Whether at work, home or on the freeway, we must understand the necessity of assimilation; we can’t expect the world to change and be angry when it doesn’t. The world continues to spin; no matter how fast we run, night will eventually overtake us.

Alfred Adler wrote:

“This feeling of inferiority and insecurity is always present in the human consciousness. It is a constant stimulus to the discovery of better ways of adapting to life on earth” (Adler, 2009).

Unintentionally, we trick our youngsters into disguising these motivating feelings, placating the discomfort with deceptions. However, when fables of a subservient world are taught, the discomforting emotions of inferiority and insecurity will fail to motivate productive adaptation. Feelings misunderstood signal that something is wrong with the world—and the world better change.

The World is Complex

The world is a complex system. There are more moving parts in nature than our finite minds can calculate. The unpredictable complexity of the larger system limits each individual person that only functions as a small part in a much larger system. Healthy adaptation requires moving into the complexity. Psychological dysfunction is when the we move away from complexity, attempting to force the greatness of the whole into the limited mental scripts from childhood—I’m wonderful.

“Most people have a tendency, when having to make adaptations or changes, to assimilate reality into their existing structure, and so avoid those aspects which cannot be assimilated” (Greenhalgh, 1994). We can’t completely abandon our existing structure. Often the scripts set in childhood were adaptive. Our adult challenge is to grow, moving towards complexity, adjusting existing mental structures to better fit the complex reality of the present rather than trying to fit new experience into outdated manuscripts from our past. We must turn the page, write a new narrative, find a better ending.

​See Life is a Complex for more on this topic

Circumplex Model of Resistance to Change

The Circumplex Model of Resistance to Change is a theoretical framework that helps to understand the different ways in which individuals and organizations respond to change. It is based on the idea that there are various dimensions of resistance, including active-passive, and positive-negative valence. This model provides a structured way to analyze and address resistance to change, allowing organizations to develop more targeted and effective change management strategies.

For example, a person may have a negative valence towards a newly implemented change. However their level of negative valance may vary as well as their active level of resistance. A person may feel extremely negative about a change but only passively resist by dragging their feet in the implementation process (Oreg et al., 2024).

While the authors of the resistance circumplex designed the model for organizations, Therapists and individuals can use it to better understand their own resistance to change.

Associated Concepts

• Stress and Coping Theory: This theory developed by Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman, suggests that individuals experience stress when they perceive a discrepancy between the demands of a situation and their perceived ability to cope with those demands.
• General Adaptation Syndrome: This is a term used to describe the body’s response to stress. It was first described by Hans Selye, a pioneering endocrinologist, who identified a common physiological response to various stressors.
• Behavioral Momentum Theory: This theory draws parallels between the principles of physics and behavior analysis. It suggests that behaviors, much like physical objects, can gain “momentum” based on their history of reinforcement.
• Allostatic Load: This concept refers to the wear and tear on the body caused by chronic or repeated stress.
• Homeostasis: This concept refers to the body’s attempt to maintain a stable internal environment. During the resistance stage, the body tries to return to homeostasis despite the ongoing stress.
• Force Field Analysis: This is a diagnostic tool used to identify the forces for and against a change, developed by Kurt Lewin. By visualizing these “driving” and “restraining” forces, individuals can determine how to shift the balance. This approach helps them achieve their desired goal effectively.
• Persistence: This refers to the ability to continue working towards a goal despite encountering obstacles, setbacks, or difficulties. It involves maintaining effort and focusing on the task at hand, even when faced with challenges.
• Resistant Client: This refers to someone who exhibits behaviors that hinder or obstruct the therapeutic process and their own progress toward their goals. Resistance can manifest in various ways.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Change—or if we prefer, adapting—is a constant process of fitting into the world. As we adapt to others, they adapt to us, we respond to their adaptation and they respond to our adaptation of their adaptation, and so on. Yes, it would be simpler if others simply adapted and we could remain selfishly constant. We should leave these imbalances to the self-absorbed ego maniacs that we want not nothing to do with. We can create consistency by discovering and holding to a few valuable pieces and relationships that give purpose and direction. Here, we can relish in security.

We’re not terrible; we can still tout wonderfulness, if we wish. We just should claim our wonderfulness at our willingness to change. We must stop resisting the inevitable; change will always be a part of our lives. The opposite of resisting change is adapting to change. Accordingly, our strength lies in our ability to mindfully recognize when change arrives, acknowledge or resistance, then formulate a plan to adapt. Adapting begins with simple behaviors that help us assimilate with the larger whole. We can take our foot off the gas to allow others to merge, we balance wants and needs with the wants and needs of a partner, and we courageously move towards the complexity of this big beautiful planet. We change.

Last Update: December 26, 2025

References:

Adler, Alfred (1927/2009). Understanding Human Nature: The Psychology of Personality. Oneworld Publications; 3rd edition. ISBN-10: 1578989841
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Greenhalgh, Paul (1994). Emotional Growth and Learning. Routledge. DOI: 10.4324/9780203424681
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Krech, Gregg (2014). The Art of Taking Action: Lessons from Japanese Psychology. ToDo Institute Books. ISBN-10: 0982427387
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Lazarus, Richard (1974). Psychological Stress and Coping in Adaptation and Illness. International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine, 5(4), 321-333. DOI: 10.2190/T43T-84P3-QDUR-7RTP
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Lerner, Harriet (2005). The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self. ‎Perennial Currents; Reprint edition. ISBN-10: 0060081589
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Oreg, S., Sverdlik, N., Paine, J., & Seo, M. (2024). Activation and Valence in Responses to Organizational Change: Development and Validation of the Change Response Circumplex Scale. Journal of Applied Psychology, 109(1), 135-155. DOI: 10.1037/apl0001132
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Siegel, Daniel J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press; 3rd edition. ISBN-10: 1462542751; APA Record: 2012-12726-000
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Siang Yong, Tan; Yip, A. (2018) ​Hans Selye (1907–1982): Founder of the stress theory. DOI: 10.11622/smedj.2018043
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