Securely Attached: 7 Signs and the Path to Earned Security

According to attachment theory, infants that are securely attached are confident, willing to temporarily leave the comfort of their mothers and explore their surroundings, knowing their mother will be waiting for them when they are ready to return. The mother provides a secure base for the child to leave from and return to when needed.

Being securely attached is like having a safety net at a circus. You aren’t afraid to perform high-wire acts or try new things because you know that if you fall, someone is there to catch you. In relationships, that net allows you to be vulnerable, honest, and adventurous.

During the early moments of a child’s development, the shared smiles, the warm comforting during distress, and the emotionally present caregiver begins the foundations of secure attachment. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, wrote:

“These are first the pattern of secure attachment in which the individual is confident that his parent (or parent figure) will be available, responsive, and helpful should he encounter adverse or frightening situations. With this assurance, he feels bold in his explorations of the world (Bowlby, 1988).

Secure Attachment is Common

Out of the four identified attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—secure attachments are notably the most prevalent. Research indicates that approximately 66% of children develop a secure attachment style during their formative years (Keller, 2018). This high percentage suggests that many individuals experience early relationships characterized by trust and emotional availability, which serve as a solid foundation for their future interactions.

Securely attached children feel confident in exploring their environment because they know they have a reliable caregiver to return to when needed. This sense of security not only nurtures healthy development but also fosters resilience in facing life’s challenges.

The impact of secure attachments extends far beyond childhood; they play a crucial role in shaping various aspects of an individual’s life as they grow into adulthood. Adults who were securely attached as children tend to exhibit healthier social skills, better emotional regulation, and more satisfying interpersonal relationships.

The confidence gained from having experienced consistent support enables these individuals to navigate complex social situations with ease and foster deeper connections with others. Moreover, secure attachment often correlates with higher self-esteem and lower levels of anxiety or depression later in life. Consequently, cultivating secure attachments during infancy can lead to enduring benefits that enhance overall well-being throughout one’s lifetime.

Why Secure Attachment is the Key to Relationship Success

According to an experimental study in Germany found that children at three years of age who “earlier (were) assessed as securely attached respond to potential failure with increased effort, whereas the insecurely attached do the opposite. In other words, the securely attached children are responding with confidence and hope that they can succeed whilst the insecure are already showing signs of helplessness and defeatism” (Bowlby, 1988).

John Gottman wrote:

“Securely attached children did better in school, did better in social relationships, and generally fared better throughout life than insecurely attached children” (Gottman, 2011).

The key characteristics of a securely attached child is that they exhibit a sense of security that allows them to cope with problems and to adapt well to unfamiliar situations.

Internal Working Models and Secure Attachment

The child integrates an internal working model of relationships that supports the idea that intimacy brings a sense of security. This key component of trust allows for future relationships to flourish.

Dr. Sue Johnson, a recognized leader in the new science of relationships, has found that a sense of secure connection between romantic partners is “key in positive loving relationships and a huge source of strength for the individuals in those relationships.” Johnson states that among the more significant findings from her research of couples is that “when we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support — and better at giving it” (Johnson, 2008). 

Parents build secure attachment through everyday sensitive and “appropriately responsive parenting,” according to infant mental health specialist Robin Balbernie.

He explains that the baby’s brain “seems ‘designed’ to adapt itself on a neurological level to the quality of the early relationships.” The babies brain is at “its most responsive and adaptable phase of growth in the first 2-3 years of life, when its basic architecture is being put together during the phase of maximum brain growth, and this will be greatly influenced by the family setting” (Balbernie, 2013, p. 210).

Secure Attachment Style and Depression

Research has found a negative association between secure attachments and depression. Basically, those who are securely attached experience less depression.

​An interesting study conducted by ​Chris Fraley and his colleagues at the University of Illinois discovered was the impact of secure attachment on the recovery from traumatic experiences. They found from a study of “9/11 survivors who were in or near the World Trade Center. Eighteen months later, those who avoided depending on others were struggling with more flashbacks, hyper-irritability, and depression compared with those who felt securely attached to loved ones. In fact, the securely attached survivors, reported their friends and relatives, appeared to be even better adjusted after the attack than they were before.”

Their study revealed that those with secure attachments “seemed to have been able to rise above the situation and actually grow from it” (Johnson, 2008). In short, securely attached children better process the difficult events of life.

Securely Attached and Resilience

Perhaps, the resilience factor is in play, creating a layer of protection against depression. Some researchers tie resilience to the secure base script that the child has internalized as a working model. A child with “a secure base script” expects that when distressed, “their signal for assistance will be met with a caregiver’s comforting and regulating support, which will then enable them to overcome the challenge” (Scott et al., 2020, p. 417).

Scott and his colleagues hypothesized that it was trait gratitude that contributed to the depression correlation. They conducted a study with 157 Flemish children, testing for attachment style and symptoms of depression. Markedly, their research “fully supported the…hypothesis, suggesting that attachment is linked with trait gratitude.” They concluded that, “Trait gratitude could be a valuable factor explaining more securely attached children’s resilience against the development of depressive symptoms” (Scott et. al., 2020, p. 424).

Attachment Styles Are Reinforcing 

Our beliefs, especially primal world beliefs, are typically self-reinforcing. We see the world through these lenses and interpret experiences based on our beliefs. Unless, of course, something devastating or wonderful happens to shatter our primary assumptions, leaving us to rewrite our personal narrative.

Bowlby explains that insecure attachments severely impact both childhood attachments to caregivers and later adult relationships. Consequently, these insecurities contribute to continued broken relationships. For the child, Bowlby explains, “An anxious ambivalent child is apt to be whiny and clinging, whilst an anxious avoidant child keeps his distance, is bad-tempered and prone to bully other children. In each of these cases the child’s behaviour is likely to elicit an unfavorable response from the parent so that vicious circles develop” (Bowlby, 1988).

Unfortunately, insecure attachments continue to influence courting and intimate relationships in adulthood. Bowlby suggests the insecurely attached individuals are more likely to settle for unsuitable partners. Subsequently, they are more likely “to make unduly heavy demands” or treat their partner badly (​Bowlby, 1988).

See Attachment Styles for more on this topic

Parental Treatment and Insecure Attachments

Researchers hypothesize that the child internalizes parental treatment that contributes to insecure attachments, such as unresponsiveness to the child’s needs, either though misattunement, inattentiveness, or indifference. “As a consequence of such interactions, children develop expectations about how others will respond to them” (Hazen & Shaver, 1994).

Hazen and Shaver expand on this concept. They wrote, “Thus, the attachment orientation has been used to explain why some people are secure and trusting in close relationships, whereas others tend to be worried and unsure about their partners, and still others have learned that relationships are so fraught with danger and unpleasantness that it’s best to keep others at a distance or avoid relationships altogether” (Hazen & Shaver, 1994).

Secure Base

Our early environments burn a working model of relationships into our brains. Subsequently, securely attached children feel the comforting presences of an available secure base to retreat to in frightening moments. They see intimacy as desirable and worthy of trust. These children are more likely to achieve intimate and trusting relationships as adults further strengthening their internal working model.

As a result. when they look around, they are more likely to see other relationships matching their privately held ideals. Whereas negative exemplars “were more available and accessible for avoidant and anxious-ambivalent persons” (Hazen & Shaver, 1994).

Hazen and Shaver add to this discussion that “the positive feelings of secure persons that they are loved by significant others led them to the conviction that intimate relationships are rewarding and foster the desire to become intimate with people.”

They continue by explaining:

“Insecure persons’ experiences with nonresponsive others teach them that attachment behaviors are painful and that other interaction goals and behaviors should be developed as defenses against the distress caused by attachment experiences” (Hazen & Shaver, 1994).

Life tends to validate our expectations. Whether we are securely attached or insecurely attached, our focus and behaviors fulfill our expectations, supporting our trust or by validating our fears. Accordingly, we live up to (or down to) those internal expectations.

See Secure Base for more information on this topic

Can You Become Securely Attached? Understanding Earned Security

While attachment styles are fairly stable and resistant to change they are not impenetrable. Even Bowlby recognizes the possibility of escape. He wrote, “Gloomy though these conclusions are, we must remember always that a disastrous outcome is not inevitable” (Bowlby, 1988).

Hazen and Shaver encouragingly report:

“Despite forces favoring the stability of individual differences in attachment, change is always possible. The experience of just one important relationship that disconfirms insecure expectations of unreliability or rejection increases the likelihood of forming a secure attachment in adulthood” (Hazen & Shaver, 1994).

Sue Johnson also proclaims hope. She writes:

“We are not prisoners of the past. We can change for the better…we can heal even deep vulnerabilities with the help of a loving spouse. We can ‘earn’ a basic sense of secure connection with the aid of a responsive partner who helps us deal with painful feelings. Love really does transform us” (Johnson, 2008).

We can change. New life events help heal us from the past.

Practical Steps Towards Earned Security

The concept of “earned security” offers hope that our early childhood experiences do not permanently dictate our ability to love. Even if you grew up with rejection, unhappiness, or insensitive parenting, it is possible to develop a secure personality and form healthy attachments in adulthood (Bowlby, 1988). This shift occurs when you are able to look back at your difficult experiences, “come to terms” with them, and weave them into a fluent, coherent life story. By processing these memories rather than blocking them out or remaining entangled in anger, you can break the cycle of insecurity and respond to loved ones with the sensitivity of a securely attached person,.

Here are several ways individuals can work toward accomplishing earned security:

Create a Coherent Narrative

Engage in deep reflection to make sense of your past. Those who earn security have often thought extensively about how their unhappy experiences affected them long-term and why their parents may have treated them the way they did. The goal is to integrate the good and the bad into a balanced story, rather than offering a fractured or contradictory account of your history (Bowlby, 1988).

John Gottman and Nan Silver wrote:

“The creating of an inner life together—a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

A couples shared meaning should include the unsavory histories that contributed to the underlying insecurity. However, the narrative should integrate the healing steps provided in the current relationship that treat the wounds and encourage healing.

Seek Corrective Relationship Experiences

You can “earn” a sense of secure connection through a relationship with a responsive partner who helps you process painful feelings. Experiencing a significant relationship that disconfirms your negative expectations—such as a partner who is reliable when you expect rejection—can help alter your internal working models of attachment (Hazen & Shaver, 2004).

Utilize Therapy as a Secure Base

A therapist can provide a “secure base” from which you can explore memories and restructure the internal models that guide your feelings and actions. Therapy can provide the safety and structure needed to integrate unconscious material and navigate the blind spots that hinder connection (Bowlby, 1988).

Shift from Protection to Learning

In moments of conflict, move from an “intent to protect” yourself to an “intent to learn” about your fears.

“As we became more fearful of disapproval and rejection, we became more and more protected, and our openness to learning, especially about ourselves, diminished” (Paul & Paul, 2002).

Instead of retreating into defensive behaviors like anger or withdrawal, acknowledge your fears and vulnerabilities; this openness is key to evolving your style of relating.

Practice Mindful Self-Compassion

Develop the ability to witness your reality and feelings without judgment, fear, or defensiveness. When you can “allow” your fears to exist without letting them dominate your behavior, you develop a form of self-intimacy that stabilizes you, making it safe to be vulnerable with others.

David Richo wrote:

“Through compassionate mindfulness we become adept at granting the essential components of love to everyone—even ourselves” (Richo, 2002).

Kristen Neff explain that self-compassion is a way to “feel good about ourselves that doesn’t require us to judge or evaluate ourselves at all—positively or negatively” (Neff, 2011). The bottom line is we can experience fear without it cascading into a full blown avalanche of insecurity. Through self-compassion, we can accept our individual, sometimes frightening, experiences with attachment without allowing them to grow to an overwhelming experience of insecurity.

See Self-Compassion Theory for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Emotional Attunement: The ability to be open and responsive to one’s own emotions as well as those of others.
• Trust: A fundamental belief in the reliability and support of attachment figures.
• Interdependence: A balance between independence and dependence, allowing for mutual support without losing one’s sense of self.
• Still Face Experiments: These were controlled laboratory procedures to observe the effects of maternal unresponsiveness on infant behavior.
• Emotional Safety: A place of comfort and care where one can go to for reassurance and to alleviate distress.
• Dyadic Regulation: This view posits that the parent-child relationship is a dynamic system where both members influence each other. The experiment shows how the infant’s behavior changes in response to the caregiver’s responsiveness.
• Resilience: The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, which secure attachment can foster.
• Self-Efficacy: The belief in one’s ability to manage and effect change in relationships and environments.

A Few Final Words By Psychology Fanatic

In conclusion, the secure attachment style offers a foundation for healthy, resilient relationships that can endure life’s ups and downs. It fosters a balance of independence and intimacy, allowing individuals to thrive both within and outside their relationships. As we navigate the complexities of human connections, understanding and cultivating secure attachments can lead to more fulfilling interactions and a greater sense of personal well-being. May we all strive towards such security in our bonds, knowing it is within this safe harbor that we can truly grow and flourish.

Last Update: January 26, 2026

References:

Balbernie, R. (2013). The importance of secure attachment for infant mental health. Journal of Health Visiting, 1(4), 210-217. DOI: 10.12968/johv.2013.1.4.210
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Bowlby, John (1988). A Secure Base. Basic Books; Reprint edition. ISBN-10: 0465075975 APA Record: 1988-98501-000
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Gottman, John M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company; Illustrated edition. ISBN-10: 0393707407; APA Record: 2011-06848-000
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Gottman, John & Silver, Nan (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work. Harmony; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 0553447718
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Hazen, Cindy; Phillip R. Shaver (2004). Attachment as an Organizational Framework Research on Close Relationships. Harry T. Reis and Caryl E. Rusbult (eds.), in Close Relationships: Key Readings (Key Readings in Social Psychology) 1st Edition. Psychology Press; 1st edition. ISBN: 9780863775963; DOI: 10.4324/9780203311851
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Keller, Heidi, (2018). Universality claim of attachment theory: Children’s socioemotional development across cultures. PNAS. DOI: 10.1073/pnas.1720325115
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Johnson, Susan M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Basic Books; First Edition. ISBN-13: 9780316113007
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Neff, Kristin (2011). Self‐Compassion, Self‐Esteem, and Well‐Being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1). DOI: 10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x

Paul, Jordan; Paul, Margaret (2002). Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You: Second Edition. Hazelden Publishing. ISBN-13: 9781568387963
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Richo, David (2002) How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving. Shambhala; 1 edition. ISBN-10: 1611809541
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Scott, V., Verhees, M., De Raedt, R., Bijttebier, P., Vasey, M., Van de Walle, M., Waters, T., & Bosmans, G. (2020). Gratitude: A Resilience Factor for More Securely Attached Children. Journal of Child and Family Studies,30(2), 416-430. DOI: 10.1007/s10826-020-01853-8
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