Understanding Self-Compassion

We struggle through many aspects of life. We are constantly bombarded by unplanned and unkind events, smashing against our resolve and destroying our plans. On top of an unkind world, we must add unkindness flowing from within. We often attack ourselves for failure, flaws and imperfections. Our self-denigrating judgements further harm our wellness. the weapon to combat these growth inhibiting practices is sefl compassion.

Self-compassion and acceptance create a comforting platform for growth, propelling us forward in grace. Once we accept flaws, shortcomings and weaknesses, as well as notice our strengths, sensitivities and passions, we open to information, that we would otherwise have defensively resisted.

Definition of Compassion and Self-Compassion

To best understand self-compassion, we should first understand compassion. We define compassion as an awareness of other people’s suffering, emotionally moved by their hurt, and a deep desire to relieve their suffering. Ashley Potvin explains that self-compassion is extending these same concepts of compassion to include ourselves.

Potvin wrote:

“Self-compassion involves attuning to your inner landscape by observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment and with open-heartedness. Self-compassion is often described as treating yourself as you would a friend, bringing a sense of kindness and gentleness to your own pain as you would for someone dear to you” (Potvin, 2023).

Learned Self Judging Behaviors from Childhood

Many of these self attacks stem from childhood experiences. For whatever reason (and there are many), we emerged into adulthood with a propensity to attack ourselves with harsh unhelpful judgements. Sometimes people succeed despite the self-judgment. However, many others shrink under the excessive weight, lose self-confidence as their self-esteem plummets in the face of the constant pelting of ugly stories they keep telling about themselves.

Murphy wrote:

“Relics are stubborn, holding on after their original purpose has faded. Those pesky emotions, ignited by an extremely sensitive warning system, may follow us for a lifetime” (Murphy, 2018).

We can heal from these learned behaviors and incorporate new compassionate and kind habits that embrace our inner child and stimulate growth.

See Embrace the Inner-Child for more on this topic

Self-Esteem

During the 1980’s and 1990’s, self-esteem stood above all other personal characteristics for achieving a healthy, happy life. It was a gem in positive psychology. Those possessing self-esteem accomplished much more than those without. A new push followed to help children develop self-esteem. While well intended, the push for self-esteem created many unintended side effects.

Martin E. P. Seligman explains:

“Self-esteem is just a meter that reads out the state of a system. It is not an end in itself. When you are doing well in school or work, when you are doing well with the people you love, when you are doing well in play the meter will register high. If unwarranted self-esteem is taught to children, problems will ensue. When these children confront the real world, and it tells them they are not as great as they had been taught, they will lash out with violence. So it is possible that the twin epidemics among young people in the United States today, depression and violence, both come from this misbegotten concern: valuing how our young people feel about themselves more highly than how we value how well they are doing in the world” (Seligman, 2006).

Kristin Neff wrote:

“The problem does not necessarily rest with self-esteem itself. It is certainly better to feel worthy and proud than worthless and ashamed. More problematic is what people do to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem” (Neff, 2011).

When the end goal is self-esteem, people tend to take shortcuts. They employ self-deceptions that minify failures and magnify successes. We all do this to some extent. However, when self-esteem is pounded into our brain as a necessary ingredient for happiness, we motivate unbridled self-deceptive practices to get us there. Hurting ourselves and others along the way.

Self-Compassion is a Better Alternative

Neff explains that self-compassion offers similar benefits as originally associated with self-esteem but with it there are fewer downsides. Basically, self-compassion motivates action. It is associated with success. However, it is less likely to create a society of narcissists that thrive on self-deception, and stampeding over others on their road to success. Neff explains, it is a way to “feel good about ourselves that doesn’t require us to judge or evaluate ourselves at all—positively or negatively” (Neff, 2011).

Three Components of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves three main components which Neff states overlap and interact. Basically, they are dynamically related to each other. The three main components are:

1. Self-Kindness (Self-Kindness versus Self-Judgment)

Self-kindness refers to the practice of being gentle and understanding with oneself in times of failure or hardship. It involves treating oneself with compassion, acknowledging one’s own struggles, and offering support and encouragement internally. Embracing self-kindness can contribute to improved self-esteem, emotional well-being, and resilience in facing life’s challenges. This approach emphasizes the importance of self-care and recognizing one’s worth and value.

Brené Brown defines self-kindness as “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism” (Brown, 2010). Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff add, “the inner conversation is gentle and encouraging rather than harsh and belittling” (Germer & Neff, 2013).

To practice self-kindness, you can start by incorporating the following strategies into your daily routine:

• Positive Self-talk: Be mindful of your inner dialogue and replace self-criticism with self-compassion.
• Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
• Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to unrealistic demands and avoid overextending yourself.
• Mindfulness: Engage in activities that promote mindfulness, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises.
• Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for encouragement and validation.
• Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small, and celebrate them.
• Forgive Yourself: Let go of past mistakes and practice self-forgiveness.

Remember, self-kindness is an ongoing practice that requires patience and self-awareness. By being compassionate and understanding toward yourself, you can cultivate a positive and nurturing relationship with your own well-being.

See Self-Kindness for more on this topic

2. Common Humanity (Common Humanity versus Isolation)

This aspect recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacies are part of the shared human experience. It involves understanding that all individuals encounter challenges and difficulties, fostering a sense of connection rather than isolation.

Simon Keller and Felicia Huppert advise:

“It is worth reminding yourself, occasionally, that you are one among many: one human among many humans, one creature among many creatures, one student among many students, one driver among many drivers” (Keller & Huppert, 2021).

These momentary journeys out of our shell of selfishness, broadens our vision. We see the world from a much higher altitude. Our self-importance shrinks, inviting compassion both for others and ourselves.

Neff and Germer explain:

“The sense of common humanity inherent to self-compassion helps us to feel connected to rather than separate from others. When we fail or feel inadequate in some way, we tend to irrationally feel like everyone else is just fine and it is only me who is struggling. This feeling of isolation creates a sense of disconnection that greatly exacerbates our suffering” (Neff & Germer, 2022).

See Our Place in the Universe for more on this topic

3. Mindfulness (Mindfulness versus Over-Identification)

Mindfulness plays a crucial role in self-compassion by enabling individuals to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings without judgment. By cultivating mindfulness, individuals can develop a non-judgmental awareness of their inner experiences, which is essential for responding to oneself with kindness and understanding.

This practice allows individuals to recognize their suffering and struggles without becoming overwhelmed by them, fostering a more compassionate and empathetic approach to self-care and well-being. Mindfulness serves as a foundation for self-compassion, helping individuals to acknowledge their challenges and respond with supportive and nurturing attitudes.

Germer and Neff wrote:

“You can’t ignore or deny your pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not be over identified with negative thoughts or feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by our adverse reactions” (Germer & Neff, 2013).

Mark Williams, Jon Kabat-Zinn and their colleagues explain:

“Mindfulness is hardly an exercise in either stoicism or thinking. It is about having the courage to bring full awareness, coupled with elements of curiosity and self-compassion, to our experience. As a result, our relationship to the difficult emotions shift dramatically” (Williams et al., 2012).

See Psychology of Mindfulness for more on this topic

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

Research confirms that daily life stresses make us ill. They lead to stress-related problems like high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, or a weakened immune system. Stress accumulates as we deteriorate under the heavy demand. Markedly, we have a habit of compounding this stress by adding to the weight through our cognitive interpretations, especially when those interpretations include nasty self-judgements. Part of the cure is to reduce the self-judgements.

We still must act in ways to reduce stress in the future. Self-compassion is not an excuse for inaction.

Research has demonstrated numerous benefits associated with the practice of self-compassion:

• Improved Mental Health: Individuals with higher levels of self-compassion tend to experience lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress.
• Resilience: Self-compassionate individuals demonstrate greater resilience in the face of adversity, allowing them to navigate challenging situations more effectively.
• Healthy Relationships: The ability to extend self-compassion also positively influences one’s relationships by fostering empathy and understanding toward others.

Self compassion is essential for healing. Healing from addictions. Healing from Trauma. And Healing from failure.

Gabor Maté wrote:

“Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain go our best hopes for healing, dignity, and love” (Maté, 2010).

Without self-compassion, we keep digging into those old wounds, exposing our fears and poisoning our futures. With self-compassion, we can look at our pasts with kindness, and heal with grace.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Christopher Germer wrote:

“Compassion and loving-kindness are skills—not gifts that we’re either born with or not—and each one of us, without exception, can develop and strengthen these skills and bring them into our everyday lives” (Germer, 2009).

Cultivating self-compassion involves developing a mindset of kindness and understanding toward oneself. This can be achieved through various practices, including:

• Self-Compassion Meditation: Engaging in mindfulness meditation with a specific focus on generating feelings of compassion and understanding toward oneself.
• Identify Personal Strengths: The practice of seeking and identifying personal strengths increases self-confidence, builds self-efficacy, and motivates action.
• Positive Self-Talk: Being mindful of self-critical thoughts and actively replacing them with compassionate and affirming self-talk.
• Seeking Support: Building a support network and seeking professional help when necessary to address and process challenging emotions. Compassion-Focused Therapy is specifically geared towards helping individuals develop self-compassion.

Associated Concepts

• Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT): This style of therapy, developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert, aims to alleviate self-criticism and shame through cultivating compassion for oneself and others.
• Joy of Being: This concept refers to the intrinsic happiness found in simply existing and appreciating the present moment, rather than seeking joy through external achievements. Mindfulness, gratitude, and self-acceptance are crucial for cultivating this joy, leading to emotional resilience and a fulfilling life experience amidst everyday challenges.
• Perfectionism: This refers to a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. This drive for perfection can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and stress when the individual believes that their work does not meet these lofty standards.
• Negative Self-Talk: These inner conversations can be crippling, leading to low self-esteem and mental health issues. By challenging and transforming this inner dialogue, individuals can embrace self-growth and cultivate a more positive and compassionate self-image, leading to a brighter future and overall wellness.
• Carl Rogers’ Theory of Self: This concept is the cornerstone of humanistic psychology, emphasizes the dynamic nature of the self and the importance of congruence between the real and ideal self. The theory stresses the impact of empathy, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard on personal growth and fulfillment, shaping behaviors and attitudes.
• Self-Forgiveness: This practice is pivotal for personal growth and emotional healing. It involves acknowledging responsibility, accepting past mistakes, and releasing guilt and shame. Genuine self-forgiveness integrates the values violated and encourages moral transformation, leading to personal growth and well-being.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

In conclusion, self-compassion plays a pivotal role in psychological well-being, offering individuals a valuable tool for navigating life’s challenges with greater resilience and emotional balance. By fostering self-kindness, acknowledging shared human experiences, and cultivating mindfulness, individuals can embrace a more compassionate and understanding relationship with themselves, leading to enhanced overall mental and emotional wellness.

Remember, practicing self-compassion is a journey that requires patience and dedication, but the rewards for psychological well-being are undeniable.

Last Update: March 4, 2026

References:

Brown, Brené (2022). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. ‎Hazelden Publishing; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 1592859895
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Germer, Christopher (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. The Guilford Press; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 1593859759; APA Record: 2009-09433-000
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Germer, Christopher; Neff, Kristin (2013). Self‐Compassion in Clinical Practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology,69(8), 856-867. DOI: 10.1002/jclp.22021
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Keller, Simon; Huppert, Felicia (2021). The Virtue of Self-Compassion. Ethical Theory and Moral Practice, 24(2), 443-458. DOI: 10.1007/s10677-021-10171-x
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Maté, Gabor (2010). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. North Atlantic Books; Illustrated edition. ISBN-13: ‎978-1556438806
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2018). Compassionate Holding of Our Past. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 8-1-2018; Accessed: 2-29-2024. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/compassionate-holding-of-our-past/
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2018a) Self-Kindness. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 5-7-2018; Accessed: 2-29-2024. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/self-kindness/
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Neff, Kristin (2011). Self‐Compassion, Self‐Esteem, and Well‐Being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1). DOI: 10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
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Neff, Kristin; Germer, Christopher (2022). The role of self‐compassion in psychotherapy. World Psychiatry, 21(1), 58-59. DOI: 10.1002/wps.20925
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Potvin, A. (2023). An invitation to practice self-compassion. The Physics Teacher,61(1), 88-89. DOI: 10.1119/10.0016764
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Seligman, Martin E. P. (2006). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Vintage. ISBN: 978-1400078394
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Williams, Mark G.; Kabat-Zinn, Jon; Teasdale, John; Segal, Zindel, and Teasdale, John D. (2012). The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness. The Guilford Press; Paperback. ISBN-10: 1593851286; APA Record: 2007-10791-000
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