Understanding Self-Deception: Why We Lie to Ourselves

As a group of concerned passengers assisted a young man off the floor of the local rapid transit train, he began to bark obscenities, condemning the well-meaning citizens for their interference. Soaked in urine, and stained from vomit, he lifted his head off the floor, “Stupid people,” he cussed, “you think I can’t get up by myself.” He continued his ruthless slander, verbally attacking those making eye contact. The once helpful passengers, moved away, leaving the mean-spirited drunk to his own ruins. When I asked him about his life and how he ended up homeless and alone, he blamed his parents, teachers, and the government. He was well versed in the art of self deception.

Amazingly, even with a drug induced high, he spoke with articulate explanations and respectable intelligence. He was smart; but far from wise. Sophisticated in words; but foolish in action. His intelligence manipulated words, infused them with deceptive meaning. Self deception is a nasty foe that protects the present and sacrifices the future.

With his interpretations, he disavowed responsibility for his current state. He blamed his development on parents who didn’t love him, teachers who ignored him and authorities who didn’t understand. His reliance on external causes prevented any opportunity for notable change. Certainly, all these notable models have a developmental impact that demands that we work to reach those burdened from systemic failures. However, this young man skirted his responsibility, discounting the human ingenuity to create our own future, escaping the nasty trajectories early life subjects on us.

Robert Trivers, an evolutionary biologist and sociobiologist, wrote:

“Deception is a very deep feature of life. It occurs at all levels—from gene to cell to individual to group—and it seems, by any and all means, necessary. Deception tends to hide from view and is difficult to study, with self-deception being even worse, hiding itself more deeply in our own unconscious minds” (Trivers, 2011).

Why We Use Self-Deception

Self-deception in psychology is a complex phenomenon, and there are several theories as to why it occurs. One prominent explanation is that self-deception serves as a defense mechanism to protect individuals from emotional discomfort or cognitive dissonance. By distorting or ignoring certain truths, individuals can maintain a positive self-image and reduce feelings of anxiety and guilt.

Additionally, self-deception may also serve as a means of enhancing one’s confidence and motivation, thereby enabling individuals to pursue their goals more effectively. However, it’s important to note that the reasons behind self-deception can vary widely among individuals and situations. Trivers explains that self-deception has a biological advantage.

Trivers explains:

“Although the biological approach defines ‘advantage’ in terms of survival and reproduction, the psychological approach often defines ‘advantage’ as feeling better, or being happier. Self-deception occurs because we all want to feel good, and self-deception can help us do so” (Trivers, 2011).

A older lady burst into an angry tirade when her adult daughter suggested that her type II diabetes and obesity were because of her poor diet and lack of exercise. She quickly accused her daughter of being mean yelling, “why do you always try to make me feel bad?” Sometimes, the truth about ailments in our lives hurts. We prefer to complain about our situation, project it onto an external cause and ignorantly continue to suffer (Murphy, 2021).

See Externalization for more on this topic

Taking Responsibility for the Work of Change

We know experience impacts our lives, rotten parents, unskilled professionals, and abusive officials interfere with development, damaging the tender souls relying on their direction. But we must live with the results; not them. Blaming the past doesn’t correct the present. When we don’t like what we see in the present, instead of excuses, we would do better by attending to solutions, inviting cures rather than blaming damning causes from the past.

Personal responsibility contributes to personal development in several ways. When individuals take ownership of their actions and choices, they become more proactive in pursuing their goals and ambitions. By acknowledging their role in shaping their circumstances, they can identify areas for improvement and actively work towards turning their aspirations into reality. This mindset fosters resilience, self-discipline, and problem-solving skills, which are essential components of personal growth.

Additionally, taking personal responsibility cultivates a sense of accountability and integrity, laying a strong foundation for character development and ethical decision-making. Ultimately, by embracing personal responsibility, individuals can experience greater self-awareness, continuous learning, and a more fulfilling journey towards their full potential.

See Personal Responsibility and Self-Determination for more information on this topic

Intelligent Self-Deception

​Intelligence can work to our advantage, thoughtfully integrating experience into helpful lessons for improvement. But when we use intelligence to formulate justifications and blame, skilled excuses are powerfully destructive; we convince ourselves of victimhood. How does these deceptions serve us?

The most fundamental deception that destroys our life is the faulty proclamation that we are immune to self deceptions. The intelligent believe themselves above such a silly practice and thus subject themselves to the worst deception of all. Basically, no matter how intelligent we are, our behaviors are often to satisfy emotional urgings. Only after the behavior does cognitive efforts kick in to explain the behavior.

Randolph Nesse, a physician renowned for his pioneering role in founding the field of evolutionary medicine and evolutionary psychiatry, wrote:

“We make choices outside of consciousness, then make up stories to explain our behaviors. Subjects in such experiments protest that they are not biased, but powerful mechanisms keep unconscious processes out of consciousness” (Nesse, 2019).

In psychology, we refer to the post-behavior explanations as confabulation. The more intelligent we are, the more convincing those confabulations can be (Murphy, 2016) .

Self-Protecting Deceptions

The mind’s power to twist experience into logical excuses protects the ego. This practice is hurtful when carried out to the extent in prevents helpful changes. The further we drift from normalcy, the more distorted the excuses. Though his bank account is empty, his relationships are in ashes, and his employment on the edge of termination, the drug addict insists he is not out of control, pointing to others that are in worse condition than themselves.

We want to feel good about ourselves while wanting to know the truth. these two primary factors collide in creating a cognitive dissonance that we must resolve.

Roy F. Baumeister, Todd F. Heatherton, Dianne M. Tice, distinguished self-regulation researchers, explain:

“With self-deception, there are two competing processes. On the one hand, the person wants to believe some particular thing. On the other, the person wants to know the truth; after all, it is no good simply to believe something pleasant if it is false. The search for truth and the search for a particular answer thus operate against each other, and whichever overrides the other will emerge as the winner” (Baumeister et al., 1994).

This dull grasp on reality conceals opportunity for escape, inviting continued languishing and accumulating defeats. An imaginary claim to innocent victimhood may temporarily ease the psychological burden of failure; but until explanations lead to corrective action, the explanations only frustrate progression.

​See Victim Consciousness for more on this topic

Self-Deception is a Normal Practice

Self deception is a normal practice. We protect ourselves from over critical examinations by manipulating the data, making it kinder. How we use facts to judge ourselves is much different than how we use facts to judge others. In psychology, we refer to this as the fundamental attribution error.

Charles V. Ford, a renowned psychiatrist, wrote:

“Most people have ‘positive illusions’ by which they maintain a better view of themselves than would be supported by reality. We see ourselves as better than others, in more control of our lives than is true, and have optimistic views of our capabilities to weather adversity including physical disease, Characteristics of self-deception are so prevalent, and have been confirmed so repetitively by various investigators, that we must regard them as normal” (Ford, 2004)

These protective deceptions impact all of us, not just those whose lives are in ashes. Self deceptions limit our relationships, exercise programs, job promotions and budgets. While the facts are clear—we are failing, we continue to justify errant courses. We keep giving subpar effort and blame the disappointing results on someone or something outside of our control.

Exposing Our Self-Deceptions

Successfully exposing self deceptions requires a continual search for concrete facts when soothing explanations interfere with personal development.

The young man lying face down on the floor of a dirty transit bus because of drunkenness suffered from the debilitating disease of alcoholism. His alcoholism is a fact he must face before change can begin. Our failure to be promoted may be because our failure to properly present ourselves to management. Our failing relationships may be because we ignore our partner’s needs.

The causes for dissatisfying results are many. Life is complex. Each consequences has multiple causes. We must find the elements within our realm of control. When we narrow our assessments, eliminating fruitless finger pointing, we learn what actually can be done to redirect our lives.

​To escape the distortions of self deception, we need objective measurements—feedback immune to self-protecting manipulations. These measures may include professional help, journals, and goals that are broken down into actions rather than vague hopes. Finances are measured with net-worth statements; health is measured by the scale, blood tests and blood pressure readings; relationship success can be measured by number of dates, time together, number of heated disagreements.

Obviously, we can still massage objective measures to continue self protecting deceptions. For example, couples can go on more dates and still emotionally disconnect. However, improving objective measures often leads to improving the less easily measured areas of our lives. More dates, more time together, typically create more closeness. To avoid self deception and gaining deeper self insights, we must implement objective measures.

Therapy for Self-Deception

Several styles of therapy aim at minimizing the impact of harmful self-deception. Therapies recognizing the need to address self-deceptions typically fall under cognitive psychology or psychoanalytical models.

Psychoanalysis is based on the observation that our behavior is influenced by unconscious ideas, emotions, and motives, and that powerful ego defenses keep some things out of our consciousness. Psychoanalysis is “a strategy for getting around these defenses,” thus revealing things previously hidden by repression and thereby reducing self-deception (Nesse, 2019).

Therapy Styles that Identify and Address Self-Deceptions

• Psychodynamic Therapy: This approach delves into unconscious thoughts and feelings, exploring past experiences and unresolved conflicts that may be influencing current behaviors and beliefs. Techniques like free association and dream analysis can help uncover hidden motivations and self-deceptions.
• Psychoanalysis: A more intensive form of psychodynamic therapy, psychoanalysis aims to bring unconscious material to conscious awareness. This includes exploring defense mechanisms, such as denial and projection, which can contribute to self-deception.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): While primarily focused on identifying and modifying negative thought patterns, CBT can also help uncover self-deceptions. By examining the evidence for and against these thoughts, clients can identify distortions in their thinking and challenge self-serving narratives.
• Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy: Practices like mindfulness meditation can increase self-awareness and help individuals become more attuned to their thoughts and feelings without judgment. This increased awareness can help identify self-deceptions, such as denial or avoidance, as they arise.
• Narrative Therapy: This approach helps individuals re-author their life stories by challenging dominant narratives and constructing more empowering and authentic narratives. This can help individuals recognize and dismantle self-deceptive stories they have created about themselves and their lives.

See Therapy Styles for more on different therapies available

Associated Concepts

• Euphemistic Labeling: This refers to the practice of using mild or indirect language to soften the impact of a harsh or negative reality. It involves substituting unpleasant words or phrases with more socially acceptable alternatives, often to mask the true nature of a situation or action.
• Confabulations: This refers to the fabricated reasoning we use to explain our behavior. Often, confabulation is an unconscious and self-serving process.
• Human Irrationality: This refers to the tendency of individuals to make decisions and take actions that deviate from logical reasoning or sound judgment. This phenomenon encompasses a wide range of behaviors, such as cognitive biases, emotional influences, and irrational beliefs.
• Affective Realism: This concept suggests that our emotions deeply influence our perceptions, shaping our judgments and altering the content of our perception. This psychological phenomenon is closely linked to various cognitive processes and can lead to biases in our thinking and decision-making, impacting our interactions and understanding of reality.
• Deception in Nature: Deception is a common practice of life, found in all living organisms.
• Dunning-Kruger Effect: This is a cognitive bias where people with low ability overestimate themselves while those with high ability underestimate. This impacts decision-making and self-awareness in various areas. It cautions against overconfidence and the need for continual learning and self-doubt.
• Moral justification: This is a psychological process where individuals rationalize harmful or unethical behavior by framing it as morally justifiable. This article explores how people use moral justifications to reduce guilt and cognitive dissonance, often leading to harmful actions.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

As we reflect on the intricate dance of self-deception, it becomes evident that embracing honesty with ourselves is not merely an exercise in introspection but a vital step towards personal growth and transformation. Each one of us has faced moments where our ego seeks refuge in comforting lies, shielding us from uncomfortable truths. However, by courageously confronting these deceptions, we open the door to authentic change. Imagine how liberating it would be to break free from those shackles of denial and fully engage with our realities! This journey may not be easy, but it’s essential for nurturing resilience and fostering genuine connections with ourselves and others.

Moving forward, let’s commit to cultivating greater self-awareness and accountability in our lives. By actively seeking out objective measures—whether through therapy, journaling, or honest conversations—we can dismantle the barriers that self-deception erects around us. Remember that every day presents a new opportunity to choose truth over illusion and responsibility over blame. Let’s take that brave step together toward a life enriched by clarity, purpose, and meaningful change as we strive to become the best versions of ourselves—one truthful moment at a time.

Last Update: November 19, 2025

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References:

Baumeister, R. F., Heatherton, T. F., & Tice, D. M. (1994). Losing control: How and why people fail at self-regulation (1st ed.). Academic Press. ISBN-10: 0120831406; APA Record: 1994-98882-000
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Ford, Charles V. (2004). Lying and Self-Deception in Health and Disease. Ivan Nyklícek, Lydia Temoshok, Ad Vingerhoets (eds.), in Emotional Expression and Health: Advances in Theory, Assessment and Clinical Applications. Routledge; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 1583918434; DOI: 10.4324/9780203484104
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2021). Exploring Defense Mechanisms: Unraveling Hidden Protectors. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 2-4-2021; Accessed: 11-27-2024. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/defense-mechanisms/
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2016). Confabulation and the Stories We Tell Ourselves. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 3-14-2016; Accessed: 2-17-2025. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/confabulation/
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Nesse, Randolph M. (2019). Good Reasons for Bad Feelings: Insights from the Frontier of Evolutionary Psychiatry. ‎Dutton; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 0141984910
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Trivers, Robert (2011). The Folly of Fools: The Logic of Deceit and Self-Deception in Human Life. ‎Basic Books; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 0465085970; APA Record: 2011-24018-000
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