Unveiling the Power and Danger of Self-Importance

We need to feel important—relevant. Outside of the home, we get lost in the crowd. The abundance of political and business agendas dwarf our role; we feel less than a single cog in an over-sized wheel. Our sense of importance diminishes as we dutifully play our part in a much larger world. Yet, the desire for self-importance aches for fulfillment, demanding a resolve. Unfulfilled, our need for self-importance leaves us empty and alone.

T. Franklin Murphy explains that we live in two opposing stories of our existence.

Murphy wrote:

“One story is the story of our life. We are the star. We provide the action. And, we are capable and important. Our actions have an impact on the future of our story. The other reality is the story of the universe. In this story, we don’t have a leading role. In fact, our role is rather unimportant. We are small, unseen and a piece of a much grander whole” (Murphy, 2019).

Michael Eigen wrote that we are “expressions of little known or unknown processes at work throughout the universe” (Eigen, 2019).

Our wellness requires recognition of both, not cowering in insignificance but also not demeaning others to achieve self-importance.

Maladaptive Drives for Importance

Alfred Adler warns that maladaptive needs for importance destroys happiness.

Adler wrote:

“For such people every contact acquires the importance of an enormous event. Every action, every word, is valued in terms of their own victory or defeat. It is a continuous battle that eventually drives such individuals, who have made vanity, ambition, and false hope their pattern of behaviour, into new difficulties and robs them of all true happiness” (Adler, 1927).

We want self-confidence, and some of that is derived from feelings of importance. We must feel we matter. The maladaptive element enters when our sense of importance is only derived from devaluing the importance of others. We must mediate our sense of importance with other drives, such as the need to belong. We also soften demands for importance with healthy traits of kinds and empathy.

Our Need for Importance in Intimate Relationships

Intimate relationships, when supportive, lift perceptions of importance. In the small confines of a home, we fill a major role. We have an opportunity to be important as a spouse, as a parent, and as a child. Yet, too often, we neglect partners, ignore spouses, and overlook lovers. These attitudes create an invalidating environment that serve as blows to the sense of importance of those trusting us to boost their own self-confidence and sense of importance. Shamefully, the one place where we can contribute the most, we routinely act indifferent.

Those possessing narcissistic personality traits draw from the relationship as much as they can to inflate their own sense of importance, while withholding elements, care, and attention to limit a partners sense of importance. Thus, they elevate themselves and push down others in a dark effort to enhance their own sense of importance.

We must honor these powerful opportunities, giving kind attention to our partners. Relationships need much more than a ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ kiss punctuating the beginning and end of the day. A natural cohort of filling an important role is responsibility to honor that role.

Communication and the Self-Importance

Validation of Importance Through Listening

The driving desire for self-importance isn’t necessarily selfish, expecting an audience. We just need an interested listener, curious about our inner lives. We need someone to listen to more than our words. True listening is accompanied by interest—not that the story is always interesting but because the actor presenting the story is important, and what happens to them is interesting.

Unfortunate, too often, personal agendas interfere with connection. We are present physically but our attention fades. We may politely be present but are emotionally indifferent. Our indifference grates on the sense of importance of the presenter. Often indifferences is intuitively felt. The message sent is “your day is not all that interesting. You are not important.”

These rejections offend the need to belong, invalidating the speaker. The inactive listening tramples their sense of importance, invalidating their message.

See Emotional Validation for more on this topic

Disagreements and Self-Importance

During disagreements, the challenge of mindful listening intensifies significantly, particularly when our sense of self-importance feels threatened. In these moments, emotions can escalate quickly as powerful words trigger fear and defensiveness within us. Instead of embracing an open dialogue, we may find ourselves withdrawing or preparing for confrontation rather than genuinely engaging in a constructive exchange. This reaction often stems from a fragile sense of self that is easily shaken by opposing viewpoints or criticisms. To counter this impulse, it becomes essential to recognize that each individual involved holds a valuable role in the conversation; our actions and responses carry weight and impact not only ourselves but also those with whom we are communicating.

Moreover, navigating through emotional turbulence requires us to cultivate respect for both our own importance and that of others. Acknowledging the significance of each person’s perspective fosters an environment where healthy discussion can thrive instead of devolving into conflict. By consciously choosing to honor these roles during disagreements—recognizing that every word spoken has the potential to either uplift or diminish—we pave the way for more meaningful interactions. Understanding that our behaviors influence not just personal outcomes but also relational dynamics encourages a shift towards empathy and compassion, transforming challenging conversations into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Perhaps, we should learn that always being right is not necessary to be loved and important.

See Emotional Communication for more on this topic

Relationships and Shared Importance

Contrary to the narcissistic perception, healthy intimate relationships include two people holding important roles. Both partners hold the mantle of importance. Both lovers can enjoy importance without demeaning the importance of the other. When partners disconnect during emotional disagreements, the moment of importance for the speaker is shattered, and the relationship is temporarily harmed. When we repeatedly do this, the relationships is permanently damaged.

Attention that expresses importance to the messenger requires listening with admiration. Their thoughts, feelings, and experiences matter. They are important. When we give respectful attention, we impart a message to our partner—what they say matters. We show them that their feelings have value. As we tune into their inner happenings, we see beyond the words and embrace their soul.

See Emotional Attunement for more on this topic

Harmful Self-Importance

Many relationships are not safe. By exposing vulnerabilities we invite hostility, giving the narcissist and sociopath weapons for future manipulation to enhance their unnatural needs for self-importance. We must confront these evils of unhealthy drives for self-importance that willingly destroy others in their path. When these ‘self-important’ monsters sleep in our bed or sit at our table, sometimes our only recourse is a planned protective flight.

Self importance, like many other personality traits, needs tempering and balance. If we are depressed, feeling insignificant, and unimportant, we need to bolster our sense of importance with positive thoughts and behaviors. However, when our self-importance starts to dismiss the importance of others, we need a different approach. Puffed up narcissistic desires often transform normal needs for importance into demands for power. They seek importance through domination. “I am important; you should only listen to me.”

The Dalai Lama suggests:

“If we find ourselves becoming arrogant, being puffed up by self importance based on one’s supposed or actual achievements or qualities, then the antidote is to think more about one’s one problems or suffering, contemplating the unsatisfactory aspects of existence” (Cutler, 2009).

See Dark Triad Personalities for more on this topic

Fighting for Attention

We desire attention. The best relationships give and receive attention. Demanding, crying and scratching for kind nods and momentary glances signals a frayed and imbalanced connection. We start to repair these relationships by giving attention—not demanding attention. Once we give, we have the right to ask. If the relationship fails to give in return, we know we hold a diminished importance in our partner’s view. We must make difficult decisions, seek professional guidance, or continue to painfully exist as an unimportant possession of a self-important demon.

See Leaving a Narcissist for more on this topic

Relationships Must Adjust to Dynamic Forces

Relationships are inherently dynamic, often oscillating between phases of intimacy and periods of disconnection. During these transitions, it is common for individuals to experience fluctuations in their sense of importance within the partnership. The notion of “happily ever after” serves as a romantic ideal that overlooks the reality that relationships require ongoing effort and adaptation amidst external pressures and internal challenges. As time passes, various stressors—such as work demands, family obligations, or personal issues—can influence how connected or valued we feel by our partners. Recognizing that these shifts are normal can help us navigate them with greater resilience rather than viewing them as signs of impending doom.

These changes should not be perceived solely as ominous signals but rather as opportunities for growth and reconnection. They invite both partners to engage in open communication and vulnerability, fostering an environment where feelings can be shared without fear of judgment or rejection. By leaning into these moments instead of shying away from them, couples can work together to re-establish each person’s important role within the relationship. This process involves actively listening to one another’s needs and emotions while reaffirming each other’s significance in their lives. Ultimately, embracing vulnerability allows partners to deepen their understanding of each other and strengthen the foundation upon which their relationship is built.

Associated Concepts

Self-Concept: This term is a fundamental concept in psychology. It encompasses perceptions, beliefs, and emotions about oneself. Its components include self-esteem, self-image, and self-efficacy.
Affection Exchange Theory: This theory emphasizes the role of affectionate communication in forming and maintaining emotional bonds between individuals. It’s rooted in evolutionary biology and highlights the reciprocity of affectionate behaviors, promoting trust, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
Vulnerable Narcissism: This refers to a subtype of narcissism characterized by a fragile sense of self-worth and a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. Individuals with vulnerable narcissism often crave admiration and validation from others but may also experience feelings of inadequacy and shame.
Idealization of Self-Image (A Defense Mechanism): This mechanism involves the tendency to perceive oneself as exceptionally positive, admirable, or flawless, often to cope with feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Individuals may consciously or unconsciously exaggerate their strengths, virtues, or achievements while ignoring or downplaying their limitations or faults.
Dunning-Kruger Effect: This is a cognitive bias in which individuals with low ability at a task overestimate their own ability. This occurs due to a lack of self-awareness about one’s limitations, leading to an inflated sense of competence.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: This is a term used to describe an intense emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception of being rejected or criticized by others.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

We must reign in drives for self-importance than diminish the role of our partner. The true joy of intimacy doesn’t come from static closeness, but from movement, sharing and recreating the bond. Each day is another opportunity to engage in a progressive discovery of another person, and the wondrous unfolding of connection.

Love creates a path that can heal fear and establish a sense of importance. With the hope of love, we experience the amazements of intimacy, enduring the vulnerabilities, and sharing importance. Healthy relationships provide a perpetual unveiling of the self and the growing knowledge of another. We know and are known. We are important in the eyes of someone special that, by the way, is important to us.

Last Updated: December 18, 2025

References:

Adler, Alfred (1927/2009). Understanding Human Nature: The Psychology of Personality. Oneworld Publications; 3rd edition. ISBN-10: 1578989841
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Cutler, Howard C. (1998). The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living. Riverhead Books; Anniversary edition. ISBN-10: 1573227544
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Eigen, Michael (2019). A Felt Sense: More Explorations of Psychoanalysis and Kabbalah. Routledge; 1st edition. ISBN: 9781782201021; DOI: 10.4324/9780429471285
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2019). Our Place in the Universe. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 7-1-2019; Accessed: 10-30-2024. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/our-place-in-the-universe/
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