The Psychological Dynamics of Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a crucial concept in psychology, encompassing a range of behaviors and communication styles. It involves expressing one’s feelings, beliefs, and needs directly and respectfully, while also considering the rights and feelings of others. Those who master this skill take a wider view of life, seeing long term objectives over momentary relief from drives to manipulate others or to gain approval. The assertive individuals accomplishes this grand feat by confidently communicating their opinions and asserting their boundaries. Moreover, they communicate these autonomous thoughts without being aggressive or disrespectful.

Gabor Maté, M.D., a Canadian physician with a background in family practice and a special interest in childhood development, trauma, and its potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health, posits that lack of assertiveness is a contributing factor to disease and illness.

Maté describes assertiveness as:

• A declaration to ourselves and to the world that we are and that we are who we are.
• We think autonomy and freedom mean the liberty to do, to act or react as we wish.
• It doesn’t demand acting nor demand reacting. It is being, irrespective of action (Maté, 2008).

Nathaniel Branden defines assertiveness as a means of “honoring my wants, needs, and values and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality.” He continues, “Its opposite is that surrender to timidity that consists of consigning myself to a perpetual underground where everything that I am lies hidden our stillborn—to avoid confrontation with someone whose values differ from mine, or to please, placate, or manipulate someone, or simply to ‘belong’” (Branden, 1995).

Assertiveness, Self-Confidence, Self-Respect, and Self-Esteem

Assertiveness is both an expression of a healthy self-image and a practice to develop a stronger sense of self. Accordingly, assertiveness accompanies self-confidence, self-respect, and self-esteem. Assertive declarations communicate that we accept who we are, are aware of what we need, and are not afraid of asking for assistance. Accompanying assertive projections is the fear that these honest expressions may be rejected. The fear of rejection motivates many to protect their ego from rejection by concealing their autonomy.

The fear of rejection motivates deceptive attempts to fulfill needs and marshal support. Of course, these are short term solutions. Reality eventually unearths the deceptions. While support secured through abandoning self, leaves one woefully vulnerable to unscrupulous others. Assertiveness is a better way.

The Character Traits Associated with Assertiveness:

• Self-Confidence: Confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.
• Self-Respect: Self-respect means assurance of my value; an affirmative attitude toward my right to live and to be happy; comfort in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants, and needs; the feeling that joy and fulfillment are my natural birthright.
• Self-Esteem: Self-esteem expresses itself “in one’s comfort with assertive (not belligerent) behavior in oneself and others” (Branden, 1995).

Anger and Assertiveness

We often associate anger with assertiveness. Expressions of anger typically qualify as communicating with assertiveness. However, not every angry expression is adaptive.

Branden points out that:

“Self-assertion does not mean belligerent or inappropriate aggressiveness; it does not mean upholding my own rights while being blind or indifferent to everyone else’s. It simply means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. It means refusal to fake my person to be liked” (Branden, 1995, p. 118-119).

Assertiveness is not a manipulative technique to force others to give us what we want.

Sheri Van Dijk, a psychotherapist and author, specializing in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness Practice, teaches:

“One of the most important things to remember about assertiveness, however, is that even if you act completely skillfully, there are no guarantees that you’ll get what you want” (Van Dijk, 2012, p.164).

Basically, the objective of assertiveness is not getting what we want. The main objective is communicating what we want so others have the opportunity to fulfill some of those needs.

Assertiveness may accompany anger, but instead of frightening outbursts or silent repressions, the assertive individual communicates their emotion, explaining why they feel the way they do.

Leslie Greenberg wrote:

“Anger that destroys or complaining that blames both differ from assertive anger that empowers” (Greenberg, 2015).

There are times that anger is essential to clearly establish our boundary. We must ferociously protect against these violations of self.

Maté wrote:

“Assertiveness in defence of our boundaries can and should appear aggressive, if need be” (Maté, 1990).

What Does Assertiveness Look Like?

Martin Seligman proposed a five-step model for assertive communication. He proposes that we:

1. Identify and work to understand the situation
2. Describe the situation objectively and accurately
3. Express concerns
4. Ask the other person for his/her perspective and work toward an acceptable change
5. List the benefits that will follow when the change is implemented (Seligman, 2011, p.174).

David Servan-Schreiber explains that we only have three ways to react when we encounter conflict. He lists these as:

1. passivity (or passive aggression), the most common and least satisfactory reaction;
2. aggression, which is not really any more effective and is a lot more dangerous,
3. non-violent assertiveness—in other words, nonviolent emotional communication (Servan-Schreiber, 2007).

Benefits of Assertiveness

Power to Shape Our Lives

Carl Hindy, J. Conrad Schwarz, and Archie Brodsky wrote:

“When one is disciplined, organized, and assertive, one is more likely to take effective action to cope with whatever might cause those feelings and less likely to succumb to self-pity, to feel hopeless and helpless” (Hindy et al., 1990).

Assertiveness is a primary skill for approaching life. Through this approach, we know who we are, what we want, where we want to go, and we take appropriate action to get us there. Assertiveness is the active ingredient behind authentic movement towards personal goals. Without we allow the world to form the aspects of our life. We just follow our life trajectory without resistance. Assertiveness is the willingness and ability to raise our hand and scream, “Stop!”

Branden explains:

“Self-assertiveness entails the willingness to confront rather than evade the challenges of life and to strive for mastery. When we expand the boundaries of our ability to cope, we expand self-efficacy and self-respect. When we commit ourselves to new areas of learning, when we take on tasks that stretch us, we raise personal power. We thrust ourselves further into the universe. We assert our existence” (Branden, 1997, p. 122).

Develop Self-Respect

Assertiveness is a key factor in developing self-respect because it involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. When you are assertive, you stand up for your rights and beliefs while also respecting others. This behavior can lead to a boost in self-esteem and confidence, as you acknowledge your own worth and demonstrate that you value your own opinions and desires.

Being assertive helps you establish boundaries and communicate effectively, which in turn fosters respect from others. This respect reinforces the belief in your own value, further cultivating self-respect. Additionally, assertiveness can reduce stress and resentment by preventing situations where you might feel taken advantage of or ignored.

Overall, assertiveness contributes to a positive self-image and a strong sense of self-worth, which are essential components of self-respect.

Physical Health

An interesting finding in psychology research is that passive approaches to conflict require extensive internalization through suppressing personal desires, wants and needs. This suppression does not occur without consequence. Accordingly, the person that extensively suppresses their own expressions of self suffer a variety of consequences in other aspects of their lives.

Maté presents research that discovered an association between cancer and patterns of repression.

He explains:

“Repression of anger increases the risk for cancer for the very practical reason that it magnifies exposure to physiological stress. If people are not able to recognize intrusion, or are unable to assert themselves even when they do see a violation, they are likely to experience repeatedly the damage brought on by stress” (Maté, 1990).

The Impact of Assertiveness on Relationships

Assertiveness plays a pivotal role in interpersonal relationships. It enables individuals to establish healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner. Moreover, assertive communication fosters mutual respect and understanding, contributing to the overall well-being of relationships. Without assertive communication, relationships will never provide the satisfaction of belonging.

Without communicating in openness, others will never know our authentic self. Consequently, we will never know the joy of validation and acceptance.

Branden explains:

“When we learn how to be in a relationship without abandoning our sense of self, when we learn how to be kind without being self-sacrificing, when we learn how to cooperate with others without betraying our standards and convictions, we are practicing self-assertiveness” (Branden, 1997, p. 123).

Assertive Communication in Relationships

Risking the appearance of redundancy, I must return to the dual ingredients of assertiveness: respecting self and respecting others. Adaptive assertiveness is not a self-serving blindness. Assertive communication within relationships we desire to grow requires a gentle approach that expresses our inner thoughts and desires without demanding the other sacrifice their own autonomy to fulfill.

Van Dijk explains:

“Interpersonal effectiveness skills will help you maintain or even improve your relationships as you learn to act assertively to balance the give-and-take in your relationships and how to take good care of yourself. Through assertiveness, you express your thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a clear, honest, and respectful way. You’re concerned with meeting your own needs and meeting the needs of the other person as much as possible through listening and negotiating. When you’re asserting yourself you’re trying to meet the needs of the other person as well as your own” (Van Dijk, 2012, p. 163).

Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener wrote:

“Everyone has these tools at their disposal, and yet too many people won’t use them for the sole reason that feeling comfortable in the moment is more important than doing what the situation requires for fulfillment and success. The message here, supported by scientific research, is to encourage you to deviate from a kind, compassionate approach when situations warrant. Sometimes you have to be assertive and manipulative, not only for your sake but also for the sake of those around you, whether they are direct reports, colleagues, or members of your family. By learning both hard and soft strategies for dealing with other people, you gain an edge you will need to make your work, and your life, complete” (Kashdan & Biswas-Diener, 2015).

Causes Leading to Lack of Assertiveness

Like any psychological aspect of self, lacking assertiveness may stem from a variety of causes. Typically, we can classify all the causes under two main categories: biological and environmental. A child is born with a complex structure of inherited traits and vulnerabilities. As the develop, this child is exposed to environmental influences that intricately interweaves with the child’s innate traits. From this complex collision of inherited traits and environmental exposure emerges a personality.

Personality

Assertiveness is associated with several larger personality profiles.

Assertiveness is generally associated with traits like extraversion and conscientiousness, which involve sociability, confidence, and goal-directed behaviors. While assertiveness itself is not the same as openness, individuals who are open to experience may also be more willing to express their thoughts and feelings, engage in new and diverse situations, and thus potentially display assertive behaviors in certain contexts. Openness can contribute to assertiveness when it involves being open to expressing one’s own needs and opinions.

It’s important to note that personality traits are complex and multifaceted, and assertiveness can manifest differently across various personality types. While there is a positive correlation between assertiveness and certain traits like extraversion, the relationship with openness may vary based on individual differences and situational factors.

Maté suggests that lack of assertiveness is associated with the Type C personality. The type C personalities have been described as “extremely cooperative, patient, passive, lacking assertiveness and accepting.” According to Maté, the Type C individual suppresses or represses ‘negative’ emotions, particularly anger, while struggling to maintain a strong and happy facade (Maté, 1990).

Childhood

Childhood experiences that may lead to a lack of assertiveness include:

• Childhood Emotional Neglect: Growing up in an environment where emotions are ignored, minimized, or discounted can lead to difficulties in being assertive. If a child’s emotional needs are not acknowledged, they may struggle to recognize and express their own feelings and needs as an adult.
• Low Self-Esteem: Experiences that undermine a child’s confidence, such as excessive criticism or lack of praise, can contribute to low self-esteem. This may result in difficulty standing up for oneself.
• Fear of Conflict or Rejection: If a child learns that asserting themselves leads to conflict or rejection, they may avoid assertive behavior to maintain harmony or avoid negative outcomes.
• Desire for Approval: A child who is overly concerned with pleasing others and gaining approval may suppress their own needs and opinions in favor of what they believe will be more acceptable.
• Lack of Communication Skills: Without the opportunity to learn and practice effective communication, a child may not develop the skills necessary for assertive expression.
• Cultural Influences: Cultural norms that discourage self-expression or prioritize group harmony over individual needs can impact a child’s assertiveness.
• Anxiety: Children who experience anxiety may feel inhibited in social situations, making it challenging to be assertive.
• Past Negative Experiences: Previous experiences where assertiveness was met with negative consequences can discourage a child from being assertive in the future.

These experiences can shape a child’s behavior and self-perception, potentially leading to a pattern of non-assertive behavior that carries into adulthood. However, assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and improved upon with practice and support.

Neurosis

Whatever the unique mixture of biological traits and environmental exposures, the wrong ingredients can promote maladaptive adjustments to relationship demands. The individual may find that the intense emotions associated with relationships overwhelm their systems and they begin to rely on different adaptive styles to cope. We refer to these maladaptive styles as defense mechanisms.

Basically, they are cognitive processes to soften the impact of experience on arousal. These may include suppression, denial, and blame. Markedly, many of the defense mechanisms are ways to blunt awareness of self. Accordingly, these cognitions interfere with assertive communication.

Karen Horney suggests that for some individuals the idea of success and growth is frightening. Horney posits that there is often an “inverse ratio between success and inner security.” Repeated achievements do not make us more secure, but “more anxious.”

Horney explains that in these cases:

“The protections constitute a crippling check on the person’s expansion, his capacity for fighting and for defending himself, his self-interest—on anything that might accrue to his growth or his self-esteem. Self-effacing type, then, cannot make any assertive, aggressive, expansive move without trespassing against his taboos” (Horney, 1950).

Basically, this theory suggests that success heightens anxiety. Accordingly, the best avenue was to abandon assertiveness, accepting life as it is, without motivation to change. Lack of assertiveness unconsciously aides self-sabotaging objectives.

See Defense Mechanisms for more on this topic

Developing Assertiveness Skills

If we have habitual, approached problems through heated anger or passive suppression, change is difficult. The mere thought of openness sends us scurrying down the whole to escape the rush of anxiety. Odd as it may seem, many, including myself, suffer from intense fears that surround open expression of self and emotion.

Many will spend decades in abusive and unsatisfying relationships because they can’t fathom saying, “I’m not happy. Things between us must change.” The contemplation of proceeding with these difficult conversations ties their innards in knots and they suppress their authentic experience and continue to live the lie.

Maté explains:

“For people unused to expressing their feelings and unaccustomed to recognizing their emotional needs, it is extremely challenging to find the confidence and the words to approach their loved ones both compassionately and assertively. There is no easy answer to this dilemma but leaving it unresolved will continue to create ongoing sources of stress that will, in turn, generate more illness. No matter what the patient may attempt to do for himself, the psychological load he carries cannot be eased without a clear-headed, compassionate appraisal of the most important relationships in his life” (Maté, 1990).

The Need to Change

Interpersonal skills are something we must always work to refine and maintain. Life is dynamic. We encounter continuous variations of relationships at work, play, and at home. Accordingly, we must constantly watch and dapt to find the most effective approach to respectfully assert ourselves appropriately in each situation. There is no magic playbook. We must apply mindful attention to our words, listening to others, and exam the flow of feedback.

Branden warns:

“Not all manifestations of non-self-assertiveness are obvious. The average life is marked by thousands of unremembered silences, surrenders, capitulations, and misrepresentations of feelings and beliefs that corrode dignity and self-respect. When we do not express ourselves, do not assert our being, do not stand up for our values in contexts where it is appropriate to do so, we inflict wounds on our sense of self. The world does not do it to us. We do it to ourselves” (Branden, 1997, p. 124).

Learning to appropriately learn assertiveness is an essential element for escaping the confining bars holding us back in life.

Practices to Develop Assertiveness

Developing assertiveness often involves cultivating self-awareness, practicing effective communication techniques, and challenging irrational beliefs or fears that hinder assertive behavior. Psychologists often utilize various therapeutic approaches to help individuals enhance their assertiveness and confidence.

Developing assertiveness skills involves understanding your own needs and rights, and learning to express them confidently and respectfully. Here are some steps to help you develop assertiveness skills:

• Self-Reflection: Assess your current communication style and identify areas for improvement.
• Practice Saying “No“: Learn to set boundaries and decline requests when necessary.
• Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings and needs clearly, using statements that start with “I” to take ownership of your thoughts.
• Active Listening: Pay attention to others’ words and feelings, showing respect and understanding.
• Feedback Reception: Accept feedback positively and use it as an opportunity to grow.
• Assertive Body Language: Use open and confident body language to reinforce your words.
• Role-Playing: Practice assertiveness in simulated scenarios to build confidence.
• Seek Support: If needed, consider assertiveness training or therapy to develop these skills further.

In the end, however, the ultimate task is expressing parts of ourselves that we fear to express. We can only stand at the end of the platform looking down and the foreboding distance to the water for so long. We either must return to the steps and walk down or close our eyes, wish for the best, and assertively say what we desperately fear saying.

Remember, assertiveness is about balance—standing up for yourself while also considering others’ rights and feelings. It’s a skill that can be honed with practice and patience.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

As we conclude our in-depth exploration of assertiveness, we stand at the busy intersection of self-discovery and interpersonal dynamics. Assertiveness is not merely a communication style; it is a beacon that guides us toward self-respect and personal integrity. It empowers us to navigate the complexities of human relationships with grace and conviction, allowing us to articulate our needs and boundaries with clarity and confidence.

In the grand tapestry of human interaction, assertiveness threads the needle between passivity and aggression, weaving a pattern of balance and harmony. It is the silent strength that speaks volumes, the gentle firmness that commands respect without demanding it. As we embrace the lessons of assertiveness, we unlock the potential to transform our lives, foster genuine connections, and step into the fullest expression of who we are.

May this journey through the psychology of assertiveness inspire you to raise your voice in the symphony of life, to stand tall in the face of adversity, and to walk the path of self-assuredness with an open heart and an unwavering spirit. Assertiveness is not just a skill to be learned—it is a way of being to be lived. So go forth, assert your presence, and let the world hear the unique melody of your authentic self.

Last Update: March 20, 2026