The Power of Belongingness: A Key to Happiness

My four-year-old grandson, with a furrowed brow and a hint of sadness in his voice, confided in me about an unsettling experience at his new school. He shared how the other children seemed disinterested and unwelcoming, leaving him feeling isolated during recess. As he spoke, I could see the weight of loneliness pressing down on his small shoulders. To comfort him, I gently reminded him that making friends often takes time and patience. With each day that passed, I encouraged him to show them the wonderful boy he truly is—full of laughter, kindness, and curiosity. Slowly but surely, as the days turned into weeks, he began to connect with some classmates and forge friendships that brightened his school days.

This poignant moment with my grandson brought to light an essential aspect of our human experience: the profound need for belongingness. This innate desire influences our lives more than we often realize; it shapes how we navigate social interactions and perceive our self-worth. Acceptance from others flavors even ordinary experiences with a sense of security and happiness. In psychology, this deep-rooted need is referred to as belongingness—a term that encapsulates not just being part of a group but also feeling valued and connected within it. Understanding this fundamental concept can help us appreciate why forming relationships is so vital for emotional well-being throughout every stage of life.

Evolutionary Foundations for Belonging

​Ada Lampert, senior lecturer in Evolutionary Psychology at the Ruppin Institute wrote, “The mammalian mothers were the first in evolution to feel concern about others, and they set the cradle for the evolution of love, the dependence of every individual on proximity, belonging, being cuddled” (Lampert, 1997, p. 23).

Life long needs for belonging are set early in life. We have a biological predisposition to crave warmth and security from others. A child’s first moments outside of the womb are softly wrapped in the arms of a mother, where the infant is lovingly embraced. Here the child begins their lifelong pursuit to belong. The journey typically travels through both comforting and chaotic attachments. Needs to belong burn deep into our cells. We yearn for love and crave accepting inclusion. Lampert explains that, “Throughout evolution, love, first as touch and then as a rich cluster of loving behaviors, has become a need, and even a prerequisite, for physiological and psychological well-being” (Lampert, 1997, p. 23).

When Needs to Belong are Not Met

Unfortunately, in life, being the way it is, many of us suffer from long relationship droughts, lacking the living waters of attentive others. We shrivel, parched by the loneliness. Rejection and loneliness impact all areas of our lives. We suffer physical illness, cognitive decline, and emotional disorders. We pay a heavy psychological price when our needs to belong are thwarted,

Brené Brown eloquently wrote,  “When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to.” Brown continues, “We break. We fall apart…” and “We hurt others” (Brown, 2022). Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary explain that, “If belongingness is indeed a fundamental need, then aversive reactions to loss of belongingness should go beyond negative affect and include some types of pathology” (Baumeister & Leary, 1995, p. 500).

Interconnected and Interdependent

Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine explain in the book True Belonging that, “Not only are we similar in the most basic ways, beginning with our DNA, but we all live our lives in a constantly unfolding present moment—where we are deeply interconnected and interdependent, relying literally breath-by-breath upon physical, emotional, and social exchanges and networks for our very existence and for the fabric of our lives” (Brantley & Millstine, 2011). Accordingly, we must prioritize our need to connect.

Daniel Siegel, a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the School of Medicine of the University of California, Los Angeles, suggest that our whole idea of self is an illusion. We are so completely interconnected and interdependent with others that the boundary of where our mind ends and the mind of others begins is fuzzy. As a result, we depend on healthy relations for psychological wellness.

Programmed to Connect

Siegel explains further, “As we are also profoundly connected to others in an ever-changing and interdependent web of social relationships, we can also say that the ‘self’ is not a singular noun, but rather is a plural verb. We are not just an isolated, separate self, but an ever-emerging process of ‘selfing’ linked with other evolving selves over time” (Siegel, 2020).

Mauricio Carvallo and Shira Gabriel in their paper on belonging suggest that early hominids would not have survived the harsh environments without the “formation and maintenance of social bonds.” They continue, “Presumably, the survival value of interdependence has evolved into a set of internal mechanisms that propel human beings into social groups (Carvallo & Gabriel, 2006). 

Baumeister and Leary expand on this, “mechanisms predispose all humans to relate to others, to experience affective distress when social relationships are denied or dissolved, and to experience pleasure or positive affect from social contact and relatedness (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Genetic programing unconsciously drives us to connect.

Belongingness is a Priority

“Trying to ease the pain of loneliness and working to satisfy our need to belong often take precedence over other goals, leading people to renounce immediate gratification and self-interest in order to find better and broader long-term outcomes” (Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008).

Self-determination theory proposes that our need for connection is a primary force motivating behavior.

​See Self Determination Theory for more on this topic

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Our drive for acceptance creates such a powerful force. When others withhold acceptance, we use defensive mechanisms for protection to shield our fragile self from rejection.​ We still pursue other goals. However, we only employ these pursuits after fulfilling the need to belong. 

Balancing Independent Goals Without Harming Close Relationships

​Murray, Holmes and Collins suggest we have an internal risk regulation system to gauge risks while still pursuing the goal of belonging. “The central assumption of the model is that negotiating interdependent life requires a cognitive, affective, and behavioral regulatory system for resolving the conflict between the goals of self-protection and relationship promotion.” The goal of this system is to optimize safety in our relationship environment. They explain this evaluative system is dynamic, constantly balancing risk and reward (Murray, et al., 2006).

​The balancing of self and others creates the dynamic and complex challenges of intimacy. We can’t be completely self serving, chasing our wants and needs (narcissistic); nor can we be completely self sacrificing, failing to establish healthy protecting boundaries (co-dependent). Successful relationships and personal flourishing rely on fulfilling belonging needs without losing the integrity of self.

See Risk Regulation Model for more on this topic

Satisfying Our Belongingness Needs

Since belonging is a fundamental need, it stimulates goal directed activity. Like all internal motivating drives, the drive motivates reaction react. However, we often react with ineffective behaviors. Relationship fears and anxieties may force those we need away, ruining opportunities to fulfill our basic desires of acceptance.

​Baumeister and Leary propose that the need to belong has two main features:

• The first feature is frequent personal human contact. We need shared experiences, warm embraces, and personal acceptance. These interactions fuel our existence and feed our souls.
• The second feature is security of continued belongingness need fulfillment. When full of anxiety over the whether or not a partner will continue to fulfill our needs, we constantly grasp for more. We lose the momentary joys of connection with worries over tomorrow.

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The basic foundation of relationship trust rests on the affirmative answer to the question, “will you be there for me tomorrow” (Baumeister and Leary, 1995).

See Building Trust for more on this topic

Belongingness and Loneliness 

The painful opposite of belongingness is loneliness, a complex emotional state that can deeply impact our mental and physical health. Loneliness often creeps in when our fundamental needs for connection and acceptance are unmet. It’s important to recognize that loneliness is not merely the absence of social interaction; rather, it is a profound feeling of disconnection from others. This means that even in moments surrounded by friends or acquaintances, we can still experience isolation if those relationships lack genuine warmth or understanding. The sensation of being alone amidst a crowd can be particularly jarring, as it underscores the difference between mere presence and meaningful engagement with others.

Moreover, loneliness operates largely through subjective interpretations of our social experiences. Each person’s perception plays a crucial role in their sense of belonging; factors such as past experiences, self-esteem, and emotional resilience influence how one interprets their interactions with others. For instance, someone may have supportive friends yet still feel an aching void if they perceive themselves as unworthy or misunderstood. Conversely, individuals who actively seek connections—through shared interests or open communication—can mitigate feelings of loneliness more effectively than those who withdraw into themselves out of fear or anxiety about rejection. Understanding this nuanced relationship between belongingness and loneliness allows us to better navigate our social worlds while fostering deeper connections with ourselves and those around us.

See Alone and Lonely Together for more on this topic

Subjective Interpretations 

To understand the intricate relationship between our state of mind and our circumstances, it’s essential to recognize that reality and subjective experience are intertwined yet distinctly different. Our mental state significantly influences how we interpret events around us; while external realities can shape our feelings of belongingness or loneliness, they do not dictate them outright. For instance, when we find ourselves enveloped in an environment filled with loving acceptance—such as supportive friendships or nurturing family dynamics—it becomes much easier to feel a sense of belonging. Conversely, consistent experiences of rejection or social rebuff can lead us down a path where loneliness festers, regardless of the number or quality of relationships present in our lives. This divergence highlights the importance of emotional perception: even in moments surrounded by people who care for us, those plagued by self-doubt may still wrestle with feelings of isolation.

Additionally, certain psychological factors can complicate this dynamic further. Self-hatred often acts as a barrier against accepting love and kindness from others; when individuals struggle with their self-worth, they may dismiss genuine affection simply because they cannot reconcile it with their negative self-image. Similarly, narcissistic tendencies may distort perceptions—leading individuals to misinterpret others’ actions as rejections rather than expressions of care or concern. Such cognitive distortions cause one’s reality to twist into something unrecognizable; pre-existing notions about oneself and interpersonal relationships can cloud judgment and hinder healing processes. By acknowledging these exceptions within the human experience—the way personal beliefs shape emotions—we gain insight into why some people remain trapped in cycles of loneliness despite having opportunities for connection right before them. Understanding these complexities encourages greater empathy toward ourselves and others on similar journeys through belongingness and isolation.

See Subjective Reality for more on this topic

Improving Our Sense of Belonging

Like most psychological improvements, the answers our seldom straight forward. Yet, we can improve, expanding our wellness and enjoying life a little more. For most, we need to work both on states of mind and quality of relationships. Superficial relationships will not do, nor will trickery of mind, attempting to deceive legitimate biological drives. Practice relationship skills, seek guidance, and reflect on successful and failed interactions. We don’t need dozens of relationships to fulfill the need for belonging, just a few quality connections.

Improving perception is a little more challenging. Patterns of thought and tone of perception burn into our cognitions, littered with faulty beliefs, and emotional relics. Yet, we can get better. We can front out rogue and mischievous thoughts that destroy the quality of our relationships. The often involves outside help from a close friend our professional experienced therapist.

Sometimes, successful development arrives with luck. A person enters our lives and breaks down the barriers, penetrating the protective walls and provides the warmth and belongingness we need.

Associated Concepts

• Cultural-Historical Psychology: This theory, founded by Lev Vygotsky, explores the interplay between culture, social interaction, and cognitive development.
• Empathy: This is the golden thread of human connection, uniting us through shared experiences. It involves understanding others’ feelings and can be cognitive, emotional, or compassionate.
• Communicate Bond Belong Theory: This is an evolutionary and motivational explanation for the role of human communication in forming and maintaining social relationships. It asserts that all social interactions expend a finite amount of “social energy,” but only certain types of communication (often termed “striving behaviors” or “high-quality interactions”) effectively satiate the fundamental human need to belong.
• Convoy Theory: Describes the network of social relationships that surround an individual and how those networks change with age.
• Social Neuroscience: explores the neural basis of social behavior, integrating psychology, neuroscience, and sociology for insights into human social interaction and behavior. It delves into empathy, theory of mind, brain development, social influence, disorders, ethics, and future research.
• Prosocial Behaviors: This refers to voluntary actions intended to benefit others or society as a whole. This can include acts of kindness, cooperation, sharing, and helping, often without any expectation of rewards or benefits in return.
• Social Capital Theory: This theory examines the value of social networks and relationships, emphasizing trust, cooperation, and collective well-being. It encompasses bonding, bridging, and linking social capital, leading to personal, economic, and community benefits.
• Social Support Theory: This theory emphasizes the impact of social connections on well-being. It provides emotional, practical, and informational aid during stressful times, enhanced resilience, and health benefits. Various models such as stress buffering and the direct effects model illustrate its significance in promoting overall wellness.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

My grandson’s journey of acceptance and rejection is only just beginning, yet it marks the start of a profound exploration into the essence of belonging. Each new day will present him with an array of challenges as he navigates relationships in unfamiliar environments—be it at school, in extracurricular activities, or future workplaces. As he cultivates friendships and learns to connect with others, these experiences will serve as vital stepping stones toward understanding his place within various social circles. The lessons he learns about acceptance, vulnerability, and resilience will shape not only his childhood but also his approach to interpersonal dynamics throughout life. I find solace in knowing that while there may be bumps along this path, each moment spent forging connections will ultimately enrich his sense of belonging.

In contrast, my own journey involves maintaining and nurturing established relationships rather than building new ones from scratch. As I navigate the complexities of adult connections—whether they be friendships or family ties—I am reminded that sustaining these bonds requires conscious effort and dedication. It can often feel like a delicate balancing act; fostering closeness while ensuring that each connection remains vibrant and fulfilling demands ongoing care and attention. The anxieties associated with trying to keep those we cherish close are countered by the joys that arise when we succeed in deepening our ties with them. For both my grandson and me, our commitment to cultivating belonging is paramount—it forms the foundation for our emotional well-being and enriches our lives immeasurably. Recognizing this shared pursuit allows us both to honor our needs for connection while celebrating the unique journeys we undertake together through life’s intricate tapestry of relationships.

Last Update: May 7, 2025

References:

Baumeister, R., & Leary, M. (1995). The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation. Psychological Bulletin,117(3), 497-529. DOI: 10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497

Brantley, Jeffrey; Millstine, Wendy (2011). True Belonging: Mindful Practices to Help You Overcome Loneliness, Connect with Others, and Cultivate Happiness. New Harbinger Publications; 1st edition.

Brown, Brené (2022). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. ‎Hazelden Publishing; 1st edition.

Cacioppo, John; Patrick, William (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W. W. Norton & Company.

Carvallo, M., & Gabriel, S. (2006). No Man Is an Island: The Need to Belong and Dismissing Avoidant Attachment Style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,32(5), 697-709. DOI: 10.1177/0146167205285451

Lampert, Ada (1997). The Evolution of Love. ​Praeger; First Edition.

Murray, S., Holmes, J., & Collins, N. (2006). Optimizing Assurance: The Risk Regulation System in Relationships. Psychological Bulletin, 132(5), 641-666. DOI: 10.1037/0033-2909.132.5.641

Siegel, Daniel J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press; 3rd edition.