Building Love: A Conscious Ongoing Process

Attraction happens; intimacy is created. The passive participant doesn’t earn the reward of intimacy. We must create intimacy through consistent action; not blind reactions dictated by emotions. Basically, we have little control over attraction; biological makeup and social upbringing influence attraction. We are attracted or repelled (or indifferent). Consequently, we over simplify, confusing the underlying tugging of our heart strings that push us closer or draw us away as either love or hate; they are just learned preferences. Love is much more than a preference.

Love, in its truest sense, is not a feeling that simply arises and persists; rather, it is a conscious and ongoing process of cultivation. This involves actively choosing to engage with a partner in ways that foster connection, understanding, and mutual respect. Consistent actions that build intimacy might include practicing active listening, expressing vulnerability, offering support during challenging times, and showing appreciation for the partner’s presence in one’s life. It requires a commitment to empathy, patience, and a willingness to navigate disagreements constructively. Unlike the initial spark of attraction, which may be fleeting and based on superficial factors, love is a deeper, more resilient bond forged through intentional effort and shared experiences over time.

Introduction: The Work of Building Love

Romantic novels and movies thrive on mysterious attractions and their uncanny power to provoke stupidity. But the boring work between ‘falling in love‘ and happily-ever-after is often ignored. Hollywood recognizes the grind of building bonds doesn’t have romantic appeal, too boring for a two-hour romance.

The normal conflict and resolutions of new love appears dysfunctional on the silver screen. When lovers in the real world discover differences, the shocking pull to reality dislodges the idealism of attraction (soul mates, love at first sight). It is at these cross roads that partners that the blistering work of bonding begins. Reality grounds the ecstatic joys of a soul mate, introducing the work of reconciling differences. When the relationship morphs from fantasy to reality, we may erroneously ask, “What’s wrong with my partner?”

Adjusting as the Relationships Develops 

Our response to the changing landscape of connection is critical; choices either strengthen bonds or destroy them. We may discover toxic traits that first were suspiciously hidden. Breaking free from a destructive attachment may be appropriate when dangerous truths are revealed. While we had minimum control over the initial attraction, we do, however, have significant control over the continued direction of the relationship. We should exam new surprising revelations exposed as the relationship drifts back to reality, revealing the true character of the once mysterious lover.

Romance energizes the soul, thrilling our experience. We should enjoy the flashes of exhilaration from the euphoric rendezvous in a glorious fantasy world, where those nagging unmet needs are momentarily satisfied. If too protective, we miss out on these spectacular feelings, dousing the romantic flames with skeptical fear; enjoy first.

Self-Disclosure

Building love requires small incremental disclosures.

John H. Harvey and Ann L. Weber explain:

“People get to know one another through self-disclosures that increase in depth over time and that tend to be reciprocated by one’s partner.” Trust is “the exchange of actions or messages that over time reduces uncertainty and increases mutual assurance that the close relationship will endure” (Harvey & Weber, 2001).

Cynthia Wall, therapist and author, warns: “Intimacy demands the slow unfolding of your secrets.” She explains this is a process that “Doesn’t thrive in casual relationships” (Wall, 2005 p. 726).

These self-disclosures are not limited to past events. They also include disclosing feelings, desires, hopes, and, most importantly, our needs. Disclosures throw the ball into our partner’s court, giving us a chance to observe how they will respond. The disclosure creates vulnerability (Murphy, 2017). This is a frightening process because no matter how well we think we know somebody, they can always disappoint, betray loyalty, or misuse intimate disclosures for their own benefit.

See Self-Disclosure Theory for more on this concept

Emotional Vulnerability

Robert Augustus Masters, Ph.D., describes emotional vulnerability as being “in touch with—and transparent about—what we are feeling, sharing both its surface and its depths.” We share our troubling emotions, knowing that “the more openly” we share the emotional states, “the deeper and more fulfilling our relational connections can be” (Masters, 2013).

Carolyn Rusbult and her colleagues wrote:

“As partners develop increased trust in one another, they are likely to become increasingly dependent on one another—that is, they are likely to become increasingly satisfied, increasingly willing to forego alternatives, and increasingly willing to invest in the relationship” (Rusbult et al., 2001, p. 107).

See Emotional Vulnerability for more on topic

Risk Regulation Model

Because building love requires vulnerability to a partner, the process must be carried out with caution (Murphy, 2024).

Sandra L. Murray, Professor of Psychology at the University at Buffalo, and John G. Holmes, Professor of Psychology at the University of Waterloo wrote:

“Situations such as these pose an acute ‘conflict,’ or quandary, because they offer both the potential for gain and the potential for loss in putting one’s outcomes in the partner’s hands. These situations put people in an acute approach—avoidance conflict. The benefits that might be gained motivate people to seek connection (i.e., approach)—and put their outcomes in their partner’s hands. The costs that might be incurred motivate people to self-protect (i.e., avoid)—and keep their outcomes within their own hands” (Murray & Holmes, 2011, p. 32).

​Soon enough, time will reveal whether the relationship is worth preserving or stinks of spoil. In the beginning stages, we know little about each other, attraction is king and the relationship feels perfect. We enjoy natural and undemanding love. However, these early experiences falsely suggest that love will flow easily. The feelings promise enduring happiness; a fairy tale ending to our own story. However, in these early stages, we must begin building love.

See Risk Regulation Model for more on this theory

We See New Partners Differently

Because we know little about new partners, we fill the gaps with bright idealistic qualities. We assume the best, assigning positive motivations, and ignoring a few blips of bothersome shortcomings.

​Over time, we bond, relying more on each other for security, forming a connection that creates the beginning of vulnerability. Intimacy eventually illuminates character traits, bringing hidden flaws to the surface. Soon realities replace the idealistically filled gaps. The momentary illusions of stress free love dissipate with the frightening realization that our hurts, fears, and unhealthy desires still haunt our souls. Pasts still remain. Only as we engage in building love in the present can those pasts begin to heal.

Childhood Trauma and Skewed Visions of Attachment

The greater the childhood hurts, and the more traumatic the suffering, the greater the desire for an idealistic partner to gallantly will save us from recurring pains.

Robert DeMoss, former Clinical Director of a mental health center in New Mexico, wrote: “During infancy, we humans are completely dependent on others for our survival, and during our prolonged childhood, we readily learn language, many cultural rules, and the basics of living in a society—merely through being in the presence of others.” However, for some, these critical moments of development are spotted with repeated traumas. DeMoss cautions that during the earliest years of our lives, we cannot resist the influences of other people, whether those influences are positive or negative” (DeMoss, 1999, p. 163). DeMoss adds that what we see and experience has “far reaching ramifications for our ‘understanding’ of appropriate social behavior” (DeMoss, 1999, p. 149).

Without experiencing love and attachment during those formative years, it is extremely difficult to envision what love is like, what to expect, and how to behave within the bonds of intimacy. Accordingly, we may expect the impossible, believing a partner can resolve all our emotional pains, worries and anxieties.

The Illusion of the Perfect Partner

​The concept of a “perfect partner” is often a romanticized ideal that sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. In reality, every individual possesses their own unique set of quirks, imperfections, and past experiences that shape who they are. Similarly, no relationship is immune to challenges, disagreements, and moments of difficulty. Believing that a flawless partner exists can lead to constant disappointment and a tendency to prematurely end relationships when inevitable flaws surface. Recognizing this inherent imperfection in both ourselves and others is the first step towards building a more realistic and fulfilling understanding of love.  

Perhaps, this hope drives the desire for a rapturous new lover that will solve the anxious lovers troubles. The fantasies block normal wisdom and skepticism. Some foolishly charge across several states to meet their proclaimed soul mate, recently discovered on-line. A few emotionally charged e-conversations seem sufficient to induce insanity. Friedrich Nietzsche warns: “Sensuality often forces the growth of love too much, so that its root remains weak, and is easily torn up” (Nietzsche, 1886).

The hopeful (mostly unknown) lover seldom rescues the broken heart, eventually leaving more hurt in the wake.

True love transcends the pursuit of an unattainable ideal and instead embraces the reality of human fallibility. It involves accepting your partner, flaws and all, and understanding that growth and connection often arise from navigating imperfections together. Love is not about finding someone who completes you in a mythical sense, but rather about two whole individuals choosing to support each other through life’s inevitable ups and downs. It requires open communication, empathy, compromise, and a shared commitment to working through challenges as a team, ultimately strengthening the bond and fostering a deeper level of intimacy and understanding.

Desperately In Need of Acceptance

Those harboring an injured soul, who have deep fears of intimacy, may be less inclined to scrutinize potential partners. Their blindness creates a greater susceptibility to predators who purposely project perfection while hiding serious characteristic flaws. In difficult relationships, typically both partners hide hurts, social fears, and unrealistic expectations until they forge a bond of codependency.

​The painful cycle of ecstasy of new love and then the disappointment of reality repeats causing further harm, dragging the couple to new depths of hell, denying them of the security desperately sought. Instead of healing, these new relationships often inflicts new injuries.

Associated Concepts

• Love and Fear: This refers to the opposing emotions experienced by high relationship anxiety during attachment processes. When someone suffering from anxious attachment falls in love, it is also accompanied by intense fear of losing that love.
• Trust in Relationships: This refers to individuals having a the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of your partner. It is the cornerstone of a healthy and successful relationship, built on open communication, honesty, and mutual respect. Trust allows individuals to feel secure and supported, fostering emotional intimacy and connection.
• Emotional Safety: This refers to the feeling of being secure, supported, and comfortable expressing one’s thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. It encompasses trust, empathy, open communication, and the absence of emotional harm or manipulation.
• Relationship Security: This refers to the feeling of emotional safety and stability within a romantic relationship. It involves trust, commitment, effective communication, and the belief that one’s partner is reliable and supportive.
• Dyadic Regulation: This refers to a process in which the emotional states of two individuals in a relationship become synchronized and regulated. It involves the ability of both individuals to mutually influence each other’s emotions and provide support during times of emotional distress.
• Secure Base: This refers to a concept proposed by psychologist John Bowlby. It describes a nurturing and dependable relationship, typically between a caregiver and a child. A secure base provides a sense of safety and comfort for the child, allowing them to explore and interact with the world around them confidently.
• Attachment Style: These are patterns of behavior in close relationships that develop in early childhood and continue into adulthood. They are influenced by the quality of the bond between an infant and their primary caregiver.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

By mindfully watching our relationships, attuning to accompanying feelings and reactions, our inspection may illuminate warning signs early, unveiling dangerous incongruent behaviors and distorted explanations. As a result, we may gain sufficient insight to begin the process of building lasting love.

We will never find perfection; but we may discover a caring human being willing to co-create intimacy, working with us to build foundations of trust and hope, while providing the warmth necessary for healing. There are no short-cuts. Careful and concerted efforts of openness, acceptance and compassion build the framework for the happily-ever-after ending that would please Hollywood. Secure relationships, created with care, eventual nourish our wounded souls, giving freedom from the demons of our pasts. The new bond carefully forged can weather many storms and make us smile.