Understanding Emotions

​Emotions are dumbfounding; logical to a point, but sometimes identifying the cause leaves us grasping for straws in the stacks of complexity. Firstly, the blurred cause of feelings (whether excited or depressed) leans upon conceptual explanations, evaluating environments, experiences and socially expected responses. Then, we assign meaning, causes, and rightness—a subjective practice. In psychology, we refer to this process as affective realism. Consequently, our interpretations appear as fact.

Upon entering a new relationship, a young friend remarked, “I just want to run to the mountains and scream.” She never successfully navigated the attachment cycle—attraction, romance, commitment, vulnerability. Therefore, new opportunities spiked fear. She didn’t know how to act. Her past failures created increased anxiety. Sometimes, our ​patterned responses are destructive; we yell at the person we love, steal from the company employing us, or eat foods that depress. Why do we self-sabotage?

Emotions and Learning​

We learn to identify dangers and opportunities through experience; our minds leap or shrink, primed to act depending on the coloring of the past. These connections are highly subjective, igniting reactive responses whether the response is appropriate for current trigger or not.

Anger, sadness, shame and guilt erupt, signaling importance. Sometimes these emotions appropriately point to approaching danger. Generally, the event triggering the emotion rightfully deserves attention and action, responding to the emotion is important for our safety, security and acceptance; other times, the blaring warning of emotion is askew; there is no danger. Therefore, we need to explore the emotion for wisdom, not blindly obey the impulse to act.

The Power of Reflection

The wise learn to pause, and objectively examine the absurdities. However, only through mindful awareness can we restore productive behaviors by challenging misguided motivations, examining if an action is conducive to goals. ​​Often, without mindful observation, even dramatic and destructive patterns are missed, excused and repeated.

​Feelings come quickly, serve their warning and depart; our thinking often exasperates and delays the process. Our thoughts give feeling deeper meaning, turning the small trickle of feeling into a catastrophic explosion of emotion. Once identified, we can change the narrative.

Reflection on Emotional Patterns and Regulation

One of the key benefits of reflection on emotions is it provides a handle on emotional experience to assist in regulations. Hendrik-Jan De Vuyst, et al. wrote that research suggests that “the act of generating awareness of one’s emotional world is a necessity for adaptive emotion regulation and an important contributor to our general well-being.” Awareness of emotional patterns “helps us to recognize their recurrent situational nature, to which we can then modulate our reactions in an adaptive way” (De Vuyst et al., 2019).

Basically, the more we mindfully examine our experience, the more aware we become of the individual emotions and the flow of emotional patterns. This awareness allows us to intervene and regulate some instances of emotion. Research suggests that reflecting is “usually necessary for properly processing vital experiences” (Cova et al., 2019).

​Changing Harmful Emotional Patterns

Breaking free from harmful emotional patterns requires a conscious and sustained effort, as these patterns often operate on an automatic, subconscious level.

They’re like well-worn grooves in our minds, dictating our reactions before we even have time to consciously consider them. The cascade of event, feeling, thought, and emotion flows seamlessly, making it difficult to pinpoint where the dysfunction lies. However, the first and most crucial step is always recognition. Without awareness, we remain trapped in a cycle of reactivity, passively responding to triggers without understanding the underlying mechanisms. This recognition, though challenging, is the gateway to change.

Once we become aware of these patterns, the real work begins. We must challenge the automatic thoughts and beliefs that fuel these emotional responses. Our minds, adept at self-preservation, will often attempt to rationalize or minimize the impact of these patterns, offering justifications and excuses. This is where mindfulness and self-compassion come into play. By observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can begin to dismantle the narratives that perpetuate harmful emotional cycles. This might involve questioning the validity of our automatic thoughts, reframing negative self-talk, and developing healthier coping mechanisms. It’s a process of retraining our minds, creating new neural pathways that lead to more adaptive and fulfilling emotional responses.

Daniel Goleman wrote: “One simply has the potential to become skilled at these competencies” (Golemen, 2005). 

The journey of changing harmful emotional patterns is not linear. There will be setbacks and moments of regression. But with persistence and self-awareness, we can gradually create lasting change. It’s about building emotional resilience, developing healthy boundaries, and learning to respond to life’s challenges with greater wisdom and compassion. This transformation ultimately leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life, where we are no longer slaves to our emotional reactivity, but rather masters of our own emotional well-being.

Professional Help

Often emotional patterns become so ingrained in interpersonal relationships they flow seamlessly without recognition, destroying connection and enjoyment from intimacy. These stubborn patterns often need more than well-intentioned hopes for change. Often significant change requires outside help.

Here are six therapy styles that can assist individuals in changing harmful and maladaptive emotional patterns:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is highly effective in identifying and modifying negative thought patterns and behaviors that contribute to maladaptive emotional responses. It focuses on teaching coping skills and reframing distorted thinking.
• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT is particularly useful for individuals with intense emotional dysregulation. It teaches skills in mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT helps individuals accept difficult emotions and thoughts rather than struggling against them. It emphasizes clarifying values and committing to behaviors that align with those values, even in the presence of challenging emotions.
• Schema Therapy: This approach addresses deeply ingrained, maladaptive patterns (schemas) that originate in childhood and contribute to current emotional difficulties. It helps individuals understand and heal these schemas.
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): EFT focuses on improving emotional connection and communication within relationships. It can be helpful for couples or individuals seeking to understand and change emotional patterns in their relationships.
• Psychodynamic Therapy: This form of therapy explores unconscious patterns and past experiences that may be influencing current emotional reactions. Through increased self-awareness, individuals can gain insight into the roots of their maladaptive patterns and work towards change.

Associated Concepts

• Lazarus’ Cognitive Processing Theory: This theory posits that emotions arise not directly from external stimuli, but from our interpretations and evaluations of those stimuli. This “appraisal” process involves two key stages: primary appraisal (assessing the significance of the event—is it irrelevant, positive, or stressful?) and secondary appraisal (evaluating our ability to cope with the event).
• Emotional Arousal Theories: These theories examine the role of physiological arousal and how that arousal motivates behavior. A general concept in arousal theories is that people are motivated to maintain an optimal level of arousal, or alertness and activation, through various activities and experiences.
• Emotional Intelligence: This refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions, as well as to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others.
• Stress and Coping Theory: This theory, developed by Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman, suggests that individuals experience stress when they perceive a discrepancy between the demands of a situation and their perceived ability to cope with those demands.
• Emotional Discomfort: This refers to the state of being emotionally uneasy or distressed. It is a subjective experience that may include feelings such as anxiety, sadness, tension, restlessness, or unease. Emotional discomfort can arise from various sources, such as challenging life events, conflicts, unresolved issues, or unmet emotional needs.
• State-Trait Anger: This concept examines individual variations of expressions of anger, including intensity, duration, and frequency of expressions of anger. The state-trait elements of the theory separates states of anger expressed in specific incidents from personality traits.
• Frustration-Aggression Hypothesis: This theory suggests that frustration often leads to aggressive behavior. When individuals are blocked from achieving a goal or fulfilling a need, it can generate a state of frustration, which in turn increases the likelihood of aggressive responses.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

The journey of transforming harmful emotional patterns is, at its core, a deeply personal odyssey. It’s not about achieving some idealized state of emotional perfection, but about cultivating a more authentic and compassionate relationship with ourselves. There will be moments of frustration, setbacks, and perhaps even a temptation to revert to old habits. But within each challenge lies an opportunity for growth, a chance to deepen our understanding of our own emotional landscape. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate difficult emotions altogether, but to learn to navigate them with greater skill and resilience, transforming them from crippling forces into sources of wisdom and strength.

Courage, Patience, and Willingness

This process demands courage, patience, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. It’s about shedding the armor of defensiveness and allowing ourselves to feel the full spectrum of human experience, both the light and the shadow. It’s about recognizing that our emotional patterns, however ingrained, are not fixed; they are malleable, capable of being reshaped through conscious effort and self-compassion. And as we embark on this journey, let us remember that we are not alone. There are countless others who have walked this path before us, and there are resources and support systems available to guide us along the way. By choosing to rewrite our emotional narratives, we are not only transforming our own lives, but also contributing to a more compassionate and understanding world.

Ultimately, the power to change lies within each of us. By cultivating self-awareness, embracing vulnerability, and committing to the ongoing work of emotional growth, we can break free from the shackles of harmful patterns and create a life that is truly our own. It’s a journey of continuous learning and self-discovery, a testament to the remarkable capacity of the human spirit to heal, grow, and thrive.