Our bodies respond to experience. We have emotional reactions. Our systems jump or retreat as we collide with life. Our minds and bodies intertwine with these affective movements to build a more concrete feeling experience—emotion. We perceive hazards with feelings that we quickly translate into fear or disgust; conversely, we respond to opportunities with feelings that become peace and joy.
These landing spots of emotion aren’t perfect. We draw upon memories (learning from encounters) to interpret the present, comparing the painful and joyful events of the past with elements in the present. When familiarity with abuse combines with the present, experience is received with more suspicion than someone raised in safety.
“The intensity and ways we express our reactions will vary depending on our personal experience, general mental health, other stress factors in our lives, our coping style, our ability to self-monitor our emotional state, and our support network.”
~National Association of School Psychologists
Misperceptions of Emotional Reactions
Frightening perceptions can be drawn from benign gestures. The experience, magnified by emotion, may signal danger where no danger exists. Because perceptions don’t mirror reality—only initiated by reality—our emotions are subject to miscues, requiring intervention, occasionally suppressing impulses that motivate unhealthy and future-destroying reactions.
Emotions are especially poignant in relationships. The bonds of connections magnify joys and sorrows. Our fears of abandonment or rejection reach a fevered pitch, overriding normal sensibilities. We react with extremes, blind sometimes and overly sensitive. The frightened child living in our bosom fails to follow the nuances of connection. The slightest brush with conflict and our pulse rate skyrockets, and vision narrows. The feeling affect of something serious demands cognitive explanation. Our bodies scream danger and our minds haphazardly evaluates the facts.
“When people hold favorable views of themselves—and particularly when their views are inflated, unstable, or uncertain—negative interpersonal evaluations can lead to negative emotions and aggression toward people who threaten those views.”
~Leary MR, Diebels KJ, Jongman-Sereno KP, Fernandez XD.
Intervening With Natural Emotional Reactions
In order to enjoy connection, experiencing the safety of intimate bonds, our emotional system may need intervention, rescuing our bodies and minds from these automatic loops of terror. We must manage experience early and often to alleviate these magnified bounces common in love. Otherwise, our attempts at closeness will always be frayed with unpredictability.
Healthy futures demand more than blind obedience to impulses; we must delay the normal adaptive responses, deferring to action with greater potential to achieve a better ending. We must assume responsibility for final outcomes. But logic alone fails; we can’t live completely cerebrally, for living is a feeling experience.
We think and feel; therefore, we are.
“You can’t control another person’s emotional reaction, but that doesn’t mean you should try to avoid it. You’ve got to be present for these emotions. You can use them to better understand how your message landed, and to adjust.”
~Kim Scott, Russ Laraway and Brandi Neal
Emotions Create the Rich Experience of Living
Emotions are what create the richness of life. We shouldn’t automatically reject them as fruitless, dismissing emotions for the coldness of logic. Emotions carry wisdom; they are key to connectedness. Emotions illuminate desires and motivate worthwhile endeavors. A healthy life requires a smooth integration of emotions and the mitigating caution of cognitions. Over-dominance of either function grossly limits experience and stymies growth.
When Emotional reaction fail to match our goals, we must attend to the emotions, discovering deeper causes that lead us astray. Perhaps,
a traumatic past still haunts our present. We may accomplish this through reflections. Adele Lynn wrote, “thoughtful and purposeful reflection can produce new learning. This new learning will eventually rewire our limbic system so that our emotional reactions are more in line with our intentions” (2004).
Self-restraint eases the chaos of emotions. Like a muscle, self-empowerment is strengthened through use. Small choices that delay pleasure for the benefits of a better future exercises will-power. As we exercise self-discipline, we must not vilify the underlying emotions. Simple exercises of awareness refine our ability to feel experience. We integrate these two great aspects of living. Instead of mindlessly reacting or stoically disconnecting, we allow both processes to exist. Through this duel approach, we discover a more rewarding life, rich in feeling that is cautiously protected with wisdom. We feel the beautiful moments while simultaneously avoiding the dangerous future-disrupting pitfalls common to a reactionary life.
References:
Lynn, Adele (2004). The EQ Difference: A Powerful Plan for Putting Emotional Intelligence to Work Paperback – November 19, 2004
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