Example of Kindness: A Personal Story of Alzheimer’s and Love

No matter how much we prepare, life continually presents us with new challenges that test our resilience and adaptability. Our family has faced its share of these trials, particularly in the wake of my father’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis seven years ago. Witnessing an extremely capable man gradually dissolve into complete dependence has been emotionally taxing for all of us. Yet, within this struggle lies a profound revelation: certain personal characteristics can remain intact or even become more prominent as cognitive abilities fade. My father is a gentle, kind, and loving man who exemplifies kindness at every turn. Despite the hardships posed by his illness, he continues to radiate warmth and compassion, serving as a beacon of hope and love for those around him.

Reflecting on my journey alongside him through this challenging time reinforces the notion that true essence transcends cognitive decline. While it’s heart-wrenching to see someone so vibrant diminished by disease, I find solace in remembering the core attributes that define my father—his unwavering gentleness and kindness have not only persisted but seem to shine brighter amidst adversity. Each interaction reveals layers of his character that remind me of life’s beauty—the simple joys found in shared laughter over meals or moments spent together without needing words.

As I navigate these emotional landscapes with him, I am reminded daily of what it means to be truly human; kindness becomes our language when words fail us, weaving connections that endure beyond memory itself.

I realize that mind, brain and personality are complex, far beyond our inadequate comprehension and fractured theories. Perhaps, variations of dementia brings out different characteristics without involvement of an innate self. I believe, however, that our life time work of neuro-developments, neuronal connections, biological propensities, and personality strengths and weaknesses continue to some degree even as our brain slowly disconnects.

As I look back at my childhood and a lifetime of interactions with my dad, I remember he was stern but caring. Thirty-five years of our adult relationship has existed without a single sour encounter. As much as a strong willed, opinionated and sensitive man that I am, I find this highly unusual. I am blessed.

I spent last week with my dad. His gentle kindness remains unimpaired. He forgets which child I am, where I live, and if I have children, but he is happy to see me. Each meal is delicious, each day wonderful, and each experience delightful. Unencumbered by the stresses of tomorrow, his kind, gentle nature has ballooned, radiating the room with warmth, acceptance, and appreciation. 

Nature or Nurture?

I see myself as a kind gentle man but it takes so much work. Underneath my façade I present to the world, bubbles a lot of impulsive meanness. Gratefulness, when experienced, is typically accomplished through purposeful redirecting of thoughts. I must blunt hurtful and angry impulses before they materialize and destroy. One never knows, perhaps, my dad fought malicious, beastly, or ugly impulses too.

We all mature, learning to master impulsive desires. In psychology, we refer to this as ego development. Basically, it is a structured advancement from early stages of impulsivity and egotism to a mature “appreciation of the complexity of others, from behaving for reward to investing genuine interest in the others, and for reacting based on moral rather than primal impulses” (Duffy et al., 2016).

Maybe only through a lifetime of hard work my dad arrived at this final state of mastery, a reward for subduing and taming the inner beast of selfish impulses, fully integrating an appreciation of the complexity of others and for reacting to external stimulus based on his moral principles rather than primal impulses.

“A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.”

~Saint Basil

Loss of Suppression

I’m frightened. The specter of Alzheimer’s looms large over my family, having ravaged multiple generations before me and leaving behind a trail of loss and heartache. As I witness the effects of this relentless disease on my father, I can’t help but wonder if I am next in line to face this daunting fate. The fear is not just rooted in the potential physical decline but also in the emotional turmoil that accompanies it. Will my ability to suppress negative impulses—those fleeting moments of anger or frustration—disappear like so many memories? It weighs heavily on my mind, creating an unsettling sense of vulnerability that makes me question what lies ahead.

The thought of losing control frightens me even more than the prospect of cognitive decline itself. Beneath the surface, there lurks a part of me—a side that I’ve worked hard to keep neatly tucked away—that could emerge in moments when my defenses are down. What if those momentary surges of anger or fear become uncontrollable? Would they reveal a version of myself that I have kept hidden from both others and myself? This introspection forces me to confront uncomfortable truths about human nature: our struggles with impulse control and how easily we can revert to primal instincts when faced with adversity.

In grappling with these fears, I find solace in understanding that self-awareness may be key; by acknowledging these darker aspects within us, perhaps we can learn to manage them better—even as we navigate the uncertainties life throws our way.

“We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

~Abraham Lincoln

Associated Concepts

• Exposome (Nature and Nurture): This refers to the cumulative measure of environmental influences and associated biological responses throughout the lifespan.
• Human Kindness: This refers to the compassionate and benevolent treatment, consideration, and understanding extended towards others. It encompasses acts of empathy, sympathy, and support aimed at alleviating the suffering or difficulties of others without any expectation of personal gain or reward.
• Unconditional Positive Regard: This is a fundamental concept in therapy, emphasizing acceptance, respect, and empathy. It creates a nurturing environment for personal growth and healing, empowering individuals to explore and evolve.
• Altruism: This refers to selfless concern for the well-being of others. It’s a foundational concept in understanding why individuals perform acts of kindness without expecting anything in return.
• Executive Functions: This refers to a set of cognitive processes that are responsible for managing and controlling other cognitive abilities. These functions involve tasks such as problem-solving, decision-making, planning, organizing, and impulse control.
• Self-Regulation: This concept encompasses managing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to achieve goals and adapt. It’s vital for mental health and daily life, enhanced through attention, mindfulness, reappraisal, and minimizing demands.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Buddha taught that, “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”

Perhaps, this victory over self is obtained through the habitual feeding of the good wolf inside—being kind, brave and loving. This victory, I hope, cannot be taken from us, even by the hands of a horrific disease. I am grateful for the example of my dad, and all those like him, that have lived a life of gentle kindness, both in health and illness. They give me strength and hope. These successful examples of greatness feed my desire to reach a little higher, be a little kinder, and show a little more patience.

Last Update: January 10, 2026

References:

Duffy, M.; Ruegger, L.; Tiegreen, S.; Kurtz, J. (2016). Ego Development and the Internalization of Conflict in Young Adults. Journal of Adult Development, 24(1), 40-47. DOI: 10.1007/s10804-016-9245-6
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