The Harmful Impact of Help-Rejecting and Complaining

The phenomenon of help-rejecting and complaining presents a paradoxical dance of desire and denial. The defense of help-rejecting behavior is expressed through a process of seeking assistance only to dismiss it. This mechanism often ensnares the individual and others in a web of frustration and unmet needs. An exploration of the complexities of this behavior, exposes the harmful impact of it in interpersonal relationships, and the underlying psychological currents that propel this self-defeating cycle.

In early literature this defense mechanism of help rejecting is addressed in conjunction with illness, where an individual experiences symptoms of an illness, and rejects or complains about any help offered. The defense mechanism was specifically referred to as hypochondriasis. However, because the inclusion of hypochondriasis as a symptom in several psychiatric disorders, the mechanism is now commonly referred to as help rejecting and complaining.

Defense Mechanism of Help-Rejecting and Complaining Behavior

Help-rejecting individuals display a complex defense mechanism which often stems from a variety of underlying issues. This behavior, categorized as a defense mechanism in psychology, involves rejecting or resisting assistance from others despite appearing to need help. Understanding the psychological dynamics behind help-rejecting behavior is essential in providing effective support and interventions for individuals exhibiting this tendency.

Most literature describes the mechanism in context of illness. George Vaillant wrote: “By exaggerated focus on current somatic or psychic pain that cannot be relieved, the hypochondriac attempts to manage past unbearable grief or abuse” (Vaillant, 1994).

The defense involves “the repetitious use of a complaint of series of complaint in which the subject ostensibly asks for help. However, covert feelings of hostility or resentment toward others are expressed simultaneously by the subject’s rejection of the suggestions, advice, or whatever others offer” (Di Giuseppe & Perry, 2021).

While early literature refers solely to hypochondriasis, the mechanism may consist of either somatic concerns or life problems.

The Hypochondriac

We all give attention to somatic symptoms, especially those that suggest serious illness. This is a survival behavior. Ignoring signs of illness or disease is maladaptive. However, like most healthy behaviors, there is an over-emphasis on the attention given to somatic symptoms in the hypochondriac. Each ache, change in heart rate, or slight oddity is fearfully interpreted as a symptom of a debilitating disease.

Harry Stack Sullivan explains: “Hypochondriacal people are those who have a preternatural interest in their ill health and who — in terms of the interpersonal context in which I try to define things — have made the failing state of their health or some specific disease or disability the principal device for communicating with their fellows” (Sullivan, 1956).

The behavior of a hypochondriac becomes a defense mechanism when it is unconsciously serving as a distraction, helping with the avoidance of other issues in the hypochondriacs life. Thus the attention given to the possible illness serves as a protection against other fears and emotional memories.

See Hypochondria for more on this topic

The Benefit of Having a Problem

Whether it is an illness or a significant problem, presenting it to others has a noted benefit. Most people are good and want to help. Internet has created a massive forum that magnifies the help-rejecting mechanism. People can post on facebook, Reddit, or any other forum their problem. The masses of good people love to help, posting countless problem solving solutions. Of course, the help-rejecting poster explains to each response that they tried it, and it didn’t work.

Unconsciously, solving the problem would immediately end this compassionate flow of advice, leaving the original poster to deal with whatever the real issue that is causing them disruption. One would rather deal with the somatic symptoms of illness than deal with low self-esteem or the intense fear of being inadequate to survive life’s demands.

The Use of Illness as a Defense

Mariagrazia DiGiuseppe and J. Christopher Perry explain that “help-rejecting complaining is a defense against the anger the subject experiences whenever he or she feels the need for emotional reliance on others. The anger arises from the conviction, or often the experience that nobody will really satisfy the subject’s perceived needs. The subject expresses the anger as an indirect reproach by rejecting help as ‘not good enough’ while continuing to ask for more of it” (Di Giuseppe & Perry, 2021).

In Vaillant’s classic work Adaptations to Life he wrote, “hypochondriasis binds others to the user. Often this is achieved by evoking guilt in the caretaker, and always someone else ends up taking responsibility for the hypochondriac’s anger” (Vaillant, 1998).

Sullivan suggests that an illness is a great excuse for failing to meet responsibilities (Sullivan, 1956). However, Vaillant posits that “contrary to common belief, hypochondriasis is not an effort to obtain gratification and secondary gain from the sick-role. Rather, at the heart of hypochondriasis lies covert reproach.” He continues, “hypochondriacs display extraordinary capacity to complain to those who come to comfort. Hypochondriacs bite, as it were, the hand stretched out to feed them. Hypochondriacs are sure to experience painful side effects, not balm, from any help that is proffered; and paradoxically, they rarely reveal their true pain” (Vaillant, 1998a).

Development Help-Rejecting Behavior

We can often trace the roots of help-rejecting behavior to early developmental experiences or significant life events. Individuals may have encountered challenges or adversity that led them to internalize a belief that seeking help is futile or will lead to disappointment. This can be further compounded by negative experiences with previous attempts to seek assistance, resulting in a defensive attitude towards accepting help from others.

The defense mechanism of help-rejecting behavior can be attributed to a variety of psychological factors and underlying issues. Here are some potential causes:

Defensive Self-Righteousness: Individuals may use help-rejecting behavior as a way to maintain a sense of moral superiority or to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Emotional Reactivity: High sensitivity to emotional stimuli can lead to rejecting help as a means of self-protection against perceived threats or vulnerabilities.
Retreating Into Addiction: In some cases, we may associate help-rejecting behavior with addictive behaviors, where the individual retreats into a habit or substance instead of accepting assistance.
Fear of Intimacy: Rejecting help can be a way to keep others at a distance and avoid the emotional closeness that comes with accepting support.
Control Issues: Some individuals may reject help to maintain a sense of control over their situation or to avoid feeling indebted to others.
Past Trauma: Traumatic experiences, especially those involving betrayal or disappointment, can lead to a distrust of others’ intentions, resulting in help-rejection.
Low Self-Esteem: People with low self-esteem may feel unworthy of help or believe that their problems are unsolvable, leading them to reject assistance.

Understanding the root causes of help-rejecting behavior is crucial for addressing it effectively in therapeutic settings and for fostering healthier interpersonal dynamics.

Adaptiveness of Help-Rejecting Complaining

Phebe Cramer (1935-2021), an American clinical psychologist and Professor of Psychology, explains that some order the defenses in connection with chronological age. Some individuals never develop beyond child defenses. However, most mature and along with maturation their defenses mature as well (Cramer, 2012, p. 17).

Help-rejecting scores low in adaptiveness on any scale. Adaptiveness scales rate the defences mechanisms form 1 to 7 with 7 being the most adaptive. Vaillant rates help-rejecting and complaining as a level 2 image distorting defense. Di Giuseppe and Perry identify it as a level 1 action defense.

The lack of effectiveness in blocking out discomforting emotions along with the devastation help-rejecting imposes on the individuals life and relationships, make this mechanism a highly maladaptive reaction to life’s trials.

Approaches to Intervention

Effective intervention strategies involve establishing trust, validating the individual’s experiences, and gradually shifting their perspective on seeking help. Offering support in a non-intrusive manner, fostering autonomy, and addressing the underlying fears and insecurities are crucial steps in assisting individuals who exhibit help-rejecting behavior. Encouraging a sense of agency and emphasizing the potential benefits of accepting help can gradually dismantle the defensive barriers.

Vaillant warns against insight oriented treatment. The individual using help-rejecting may express gratitude for the insightful interpretations but may struggle to integrate the knowledge into helpful healing. Instead, Vaillant suggests helping the client develop mature defense mechanisms.

Vaillant wrote, “In other words, although immature defenses can be understood and managed, they can rarely be interpreted. Rather, the therapist should inquire about, and help patients to think through, the consequences of their actual or intended actions. The Socratic method stands the personality disordered patient in better stead than all the good advice and dynamic interpretations in the world.” He continues, “besides employing the Socratic method and facilitating his or her patients’ discovery of peer supports, the therapist does well to empower patients toward developing more mature defenses” (Vaillant, 1992).

Associated Concepts

The defense mechanism of help-rejecting is related to several psychological concepts and theories, which help to explain why individuals might seek out but then reject assistance. Here are some of the related ideas:

Attachment Theory: This theory suggests that early relationships with caregivers can influence an individual’s ability to seek and accept help. Insecure attachment styles may lead to help-rejecting behaviors.
Reactance Theory: This theory explains the psychological and behavioral response people often have when they perceive their freedom of action or choice is being threatened or eliminated. It posits that individuals have a fundamental need to maintain a sense of autonomy and control over their lives.
Cognitive Dissonance: This concept from social psychology posits that individuals have a fundamental need to maintain consistency in their beliefs and behaviors. Help-rejecting can occur when accepting help would create dissonance with an individual’s self-concept.
Self-Efficacy Theory: Developed by Albert Bandura, this theory relates to an individual’s belief in their ability to succeed. Those with low self-efficacy may reject help due to a belief that they are incapable of change or improvement.
Object Relations Theory: This psychodynamic theory emphasizes the importance of internalized relationships with others. Help-rejecting behavior manifests the internalization of negative objects, leading to mistrust in others’ intentions.
Transactional Analysis: This theory of personality and communication examines interactions (transactions) between individuals. Transactional Analysis sees help-rejecting as a type of psychological ‘game’ where an individual seeks help but then rejects it to maintain a familiar role or script.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: According to Maslow, individuals have a hierarchy of needs culminating in self-actualization. Help-rejecting may occur if the individual perceives accepting help as a threat to one’s autonomy or self-actualization.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

It’s crucial to recognize the complexity of help-rejecting behaviors. It is a cry for attention and validation, yet paradoxically, it pushes away the very assistance that the individual seeks. This mechanism serves as a shield, guarding against vulnerability and the fear of genuine connection. Understanding this behavior can be the first step towards compassion, both for those who exhibit it and for ourselves when we encounter it.

Help-rejecting behavior reflects a complex interplay of psychological, emotional, and interpersonal factors. By recognizing the origins and implications of this defense mechanism, mental health professionals and support networks can tailor their approaches to effectively engage and assist individuals struggling with this behavior. Through empathetic guidance and targeted interventions, it is possible to help individuals overcome their resistance to seeking help and facilitate their journey towards healing and growth.

Last Update: August 18, 2025

References:

Cramer, Phebe (1991/2012). The Development of Defense Mechanisms: Theory, Research, and Assessment. Springer; 1st edition.
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Di Giuseppe, M., & Perry, J. (2021). The Hierarchy of Defense Mechanisms: Assessing Defensive Functioning With the Defense Mechanisms Rating Scales Q-Sort. Frontiers in Psychology, 12. DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.718440
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Sullivan, Harry Stack (1956). Clinical Studies in Psychiatry. Norton; First Edition.
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Vaillant, George E. (1998a). The Wisdom of the Ego. Harvard University Press; Reprint edition.
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Vaillant, George E. (1998) Adaptations to Life. Harvard University Press; Reprint edition.
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Vaillant, George E. (1992). Ego Mechanisms of Defense: A Guide for Clinicians and Researchers. American Psychiatric Association Publishing; 1st edition.
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Vaillant, George E. (1994). Ego Mechanisms of Defense and Personality Psychopathology. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 103(1), 44-50. DOI: 10.1037/0021-843X.103.1.44
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