The First Step Towards Improving Your Relationship

One of the key elements of the Hippocratic Oath for physicians is to do no harm. To improve your relationship, we must consistently apply this principle. When emotions are heightened, do no harm. When things are not going as planned, do no harm. Of course, we all occasionally falter in our attempt to do no harm. We say or do something that hurts our partner. In these cases, we must quickly address the harm, repairing what we have torn.

Following comfortable patterns of explosion and name calling is mindless, requiring no thought, no repression—just letting the emotions flow at will. But when we embark on change—any change—we discover the strain of remaining mindful. Our resolve crumbles under the demand, we relax the mind, explode and once again feel the impoverishment of an unfulfilling bond, full of fear, anxiety and hate. The dreamy intentions of intimacy appear out of reach. We want it but not motivated (or skilled) enough to do the work.

Faulty Expectations

A skewed sense of relationship-benefits poisons the reality of relationships. For those seeking a handsome prince with an awakening kiss, may misunderstand these concepts, supposing I’m suggesting relationships have no value. Relationships are crucial to human fulfillment. We are biologically programmed to bond. Life feels empty alone (for most). However, relationships will not solve all our woes. They take a tremendous amount of work and in return offer some fantastic rewards.

To improve your relationship and make the most out of the imperfect bonds of relationships in the real world, we must tame unrealistic expectations. Driven for connection, we march forward, seeking the warmth and fulfillment of healthy attachment. When relationships struggle against faulty expectations, we demand the relationship bow to our strict expectations rather than adjust the misguided hopes. This is where many fail, manipulating, punishing, and passive-aggressive tactics replace attention, acceptance, and respect.  

​We can’t transform a partner against their will; this violates all the laws of connection, forcing compliance to our expectations assumes bondage. To improve connections, we work to improve ourselves and kindly invite a partner to join in the transformation. Techniques fail. According to reactance theory, people resist change when forced upon them (Brehm, 1966).

Marshall B. Rosenberg wrote that human beings, when hearing any kind of demand, tend “to resist because it threatens our autonomy—our strong need for choice” (Rosenberg, 2015).

Our improvements of implementing healthier behaviors often softens attitudes, preventing destructive fights, and encouraging partner growth; but if the hidden motivation of our action is to change our partner, the thinly veiled show is often revealed as another control tactic, poisoning the goodwill. The nasty attempts of manipulation are often wrapped in pretend kindness. Overt actions disguised as empathy and compassion but intended to gain compliance can’t force intimacy.

Change Hurts at First

The person recovering from addiction must contend with a reality that fails to provide the same rush as a chemical fix; but the enduring discomfort when spread over days, weeks and years provides a richness surpassing the diminishing rush from an artificial high. Our betterments may not provide the desired escape from reality, transforming our mortal partner into a prince (or princess); but will add to the richness of our existence. No matter what changes we implement, our partners still can maintain their freedom—it’s their prerogative.

A healthy relationship requires a respect of individuality. The healthy dependence on each other doesn’t invalidate individual freedoms. Security, while dependent, requires trust that is built through honesty. Building a life together creates some vulnerability, trusting a partner that we don’t control will not betray our loyalty (Murphy, 2017). We develop ourselves to survive an unplanned dissolution of a relationship but also enjoy security in trust that our partner will fulfill their commitment. If we can’t trust, we will struggle.

A necessary element to improve your relationship is trust. We must trust; and partners must honor that trust.

Underlying Emotions

We may, in efforts to change, conceal emotions. The hidden emotions continue to communicate—sometimes purposely. Revealing comments such as, “I’m trying to remain calm,” expresses all the anger but allowing for the tinge of self-righteousness. Often designed to fix blame for triggered emotions, and then frost with a sweet covering of taking the high road. The expectations haven’t changed. The partner is expected to pacify the emotions by bending to our narrow minded will. Anger, sadness, fear or disappointment simmers underneath.

​We can’t force a relationship to provide security by molding a perfect partner. Even if the perfect partner does exist, they are either taken or not likely to find interest in our imperfectness.

Improving your relationship bonds demand a different approach—honest open communication instead of disguised goals and concealed meanings. Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver explain that “open communication is about and the ‘voicing’ of needs” (Hazen & Shaver, 2004). Healthy communication motivated by compassion, respect and understanding. The goal for closeness guides couples through the twisting roads of conflict resolution. 

Compassion

Compassion doesn’t preclude us from being angry, sad, disappointed, or even jealous. We can honestly express feelings. Compassion isn’t trembling with anger and blurting out, “It is okay.” The forced and insincere message is lost in the overshadowing disapproval. Silent anger is still communicated, creating more anxiety than an honest sharing of feeling.

To improve your relationship, you must embrace proven skills. Instead of power struggles, we open to the complexities of connection, inviting a deeper understanding of pasts, hurts, and emotional triggers. In pursuit of change, we achieve success from mutually exploring each other’s emotions. The deeper understanding engenders compassion—exposing the anger, hurt and fear as cries for healing; and not seen as threats to security.

Discomforting feelings, rather than being the enemy, become guides, pointing to tender spots begging for greater attention and clarity.

Compassionate communication is a skill that relies on mindfulness. Relationships with histories of name calling, blame, and disappointment will take work before difference no longer spark protective emotions.

​When past discussions hurt, we’re programmed to respond defensively. We learn to protect.  Because of these default responses, designed to protect, we must now slow down, recognizing the pattern stimulated by the past and intervene. When a couple fails to transcend the power-struggles embedded in their conversations, discussions will break down.

Be the First to Begin the Change

For meaningful transformation within a relationship, the impetus often lies with one individual. This partner must bravely initiate change by consciously choosing compassion as their guiding principle. This requires honest and open expression of their thoughts and feelings, even when difficult, and a willingness to be vulnerable with their partner. It is through this courageous act of self-awareness and communication that the groundwork for positive change can be laid.

It’s crucial to understand that shifts in perspective and behavior rarely happen in tandem within a partnership. While one person may be actively working on growth and fostering a healthier dynamic, the other partner may not be at the same stage, or even willing to participate. In some challenging situations, one partner might persistently resist these positive changes, creating an imbalance that can lead to a painful realization and a difficult choice – the potential necessity of ending the relationship for the well-being of the initiating partner.

Ten Things We Can Do to Improve Our Romantic Relationships

Improving intimate relationships can be a rewarding endeavor. Here are ten things you can do to enhance intimacy and strengthen your bond:

• Increase Physical Touch: Non-sexual physical contact like holding hands, hugging, or cuddling can boost intimacy.
• Improve Communication: Share your thoughts and feelings openly and listen actively to your partner.
• Show Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude for your partner’s actions and qualities.
• Be Vulnerable: Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable, which can deepen trust and connection.
• Try New Activities Together: Engaging in new or challenging activities can bring you closer.
• Prioritize Intimacy: Make time for intimacy and ensure it’s a key part of your relationship.
• Reminisce Together: Sharing memories can reinforce your shared history and bond.
• Have Fun: Enjoy each other’s company and make time for laughter and joy.
• Practice Non-Judgmental Listening: Create a safe space for your partner to share without fear of judgment.
• Resolve Conflicts Constructively: Address disagreements with the aim of finding mutual understanding.

These steps can help create a more fulfilling and intimate relationship. Remember, the most important aspect is to be consistent and genuine in your efforts.

Associated Concepts

• Sternberg’s Triangle Theory of Love: This theory, proposed by psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, is a triangular theory that suggests love is comprised of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These components can be combined in different ways to form various types of love, such as romantic love, companionate love, and consummate love.
• Compromise in Marriage: This practice is essential for relationship success, as conflict is inevitable. Autonomy and healthy compromise are crucial for maintaining intimacy and personal wellness. Without compromise, deception and manipulation may arise, leading to destructive relationships.
• Emotional Safety: This refers to the feeling of being secure, supported, and comfortable expressing one’s thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. It encompasses trust, empathy, open communication, and the absence of emotional harm or manipulation.
• Attachment Theory: This theory, primarily developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explores the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. It aligns with Sternberg’s intimacy component, emphasizing the importance of emotional bonds.
• Interdependence Theory: This concept is a cornerstone of social psychology, explores the interconnected nature of relationships and the mutual influence among individuals. It offers insights into different types of interdependence, impacting behavior, satisfaction, and well-being within relationships.
• Autonomy in Relationships: This refers to the ability and freedom for each individual to make their own decisions, express their own opinions, and pursue their own interests within the context of the relationship.

A Few Words By Psychology Fanatic

Some relationships run their course, succumbing to habitual negative interactions, embedded labels, and hurtful words—too much injury to heal. Even if this is the case, stop the unkindness. We still need effective relationship skills in other areas of our lives. If our partner uses openness to their advantage, we enforce clear boundaries. If they ignore boundaries, then enforce your rights—leaving may be appropriate; seek professional help to move forward safely. Two people must work together to establish intimacy but only one to destroy it.

Through all our relationships, whether they are healthy or not, our emotions are magnified. In a relationship, we have great opportunity to explore emotions, gaining familiarity with personal feelings, triggers, and tender spots. This knowledge becomes the foundation for intimacy with a willing, loving partner and the key to improving your relationship.