We Need Others

​Echoing through the darkness, we hear Thomas Merton’s timeless proclamation, “No man is an island.” Many needs are intricately woven into human relationships. The “what’s in it for me?” attitude constricts borders, narrows perspectives, limits relationships and creates loneliness. We can’t survive on our own—at least not well. A selfish existence discounter our need for others.

Robert J. Waldinger and Marx Schulz, the current caretakers of the Harvard longitude study, wrote:

“Good relationships are significant enough that if we had to take all eighty-four years of the Harvard Study and boil it down to a single principle for living, one life investment that is supported by similar findings across a wide variety of other studies, it would be this: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. Period” (Waldinger & Schulz, 2023).

According to Kory Floyd’s Affection Exchange Theory, individuals are biologically driven to love and be loved.

Floyd wrote:

“Humans don’t just love to be loved; we need to be loved. And, perhaps equally as important, we need to be shown that we are loved” (Floyd, 2008).

The “what’s in it for me?” attitude constricts borders, narrows perspectives, limits relationships and creates loneliness. We can’t survive on our own—at least not well.

~T. Franklin Murphy

Survival and the Selfish Gene

Our biological systems formed from bowing to biological needs. This largely is a selfish endeavor. Many researchers and scientists even suggest that underneath most altruistic behaviors is some selfish driving force. Perhaps, we are just all selfish, displaying our drive for survival in different ways.

I, however, prefer we can transcend this drive.

Richard Dawkins wrote:

“We have the power to defy the selfish genes of our birth and, if necessary, the selfish memes of our indoctrination. We can even discuss ways of deliberately cultivating and nurturing pure, disinterested altruism something that has no place in nature, something that has never existed before in the whole history of the world. We are built as gene machines and cultured as meme machines, but we have the power to turn against our creators. We, alone on earth, can rebel against the tyranny of the selfish replicators” (Dawkins, 2016).

Whole Life Wellness

A full life requires more than individual accolades. The richness of living swells in the bosoms of well-connected people. Many sojourners surpass the normal clawing for survival (food, shelter, security), discovering peace still eludes them. In their fears, they continually fight to protect a decrepit self-image, while internally withering from loneliness.

By transcending our individual self—but not ignoring the self—we can weigh accomplishments against the wider perspective of others. Our sense of meaning is realized from much more than personal glory and bank accounts.

With maturity we examine feelings within the context of overall events. For narcissists, their individual feeling dominates. Their feelings, their hurt, their joy block the breathtaking view of the ever-widening cosmos of life. Soothing, expanding or escaping the individual feeling, blind to others, selfishly directs action, ignoring the essential bonds of connection to the world.

Associated Concepts

• Kindsight: This refers to a way of seeing the world with a compassionate lens. It refers to a softening harsh judgements of self and others. Our critical examinations hurt ourselves and those we care about. With kindsight, we can improve the world.
• Prosocial Behaviors: These are altruistic actions aimed at benefiting others,. They are crucial for societal well-being. They reflect a complex interplay of empathy, social norms, and personal values. Engaging in these behaviors promotes happiness, strengthens relationships, and enhances community resilience, highlighting their importance for individual and collective welfare.
• Primary Dilemma: This refers to a fundamental philosophical and psychological conflict between our basic desires and the constraints of social integration.
• Social Exchange Theory: This theory posits that prosocial behavior is a result of a cost-benefit analysis where individuals help others with the expectation of future reciprocation or benefits.
• Social Support: Group identification can ‘buffer’ individuals from everyday stresses by providing a sense of meaning and security, as well as increasing the likelihood of receiving useful social support from fellow group members.
• Convoy Theory: This theory explores the idea that individuals are surrounded by a network of close and more distant relationships that form a ‘convoy’ of social support throughout their lives. This network includes family members, friends, colleagues, and other acquaintances who provide varying levels of support, guidance, and companionship.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

While we must direct attention to our personal well-being, setting boundaries, correcting violations, and seeking growth, we must do so with empathy. We still respond to our pain, but our responses are examined from a more inclusive context. Sometimes hurt and disappointment are appropriate. The sacrifice benefits a larger whole, by neglecting a personal need, we actually increase our worth, transcending the self and giving to the universe. Other times, we completely abandon the self. I’m not certain this is healthy either. We need to neither be completely selfish or selfless to experience greater wellbeing.

Last updated: December 12, 2025

References:

Dawkins, Richard (2016). The Selfish Gene. Oxford University Press; 4th edition. ISBN: 0199291152
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Floyd, Kory (2008). Communicating Affection: Interpersonal Behavior and Social Context (Advances in Personal Relationships). Cambridge University Press. ISBN-10: 0521731747; DOI: 10.1017/CBO9780511606649
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Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz. Marc (2023). The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. Simon & Schuster. ISBN-10: 1982166703
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