Intent to Hurt: Exploring the Psychology Behind Vicious Attacks

A follower at Flourishing Life Society, for unknown reasons, attacked my character, with severe, unsubstantiated judgments, drawing ridiculous conclusions from scanty evidence. Perhaps, they thought I was someone else. I expect a few hate-mails; it’s the nature of the social media beast.  While her cutting remarks didn’t feel pleasant, although slightly vexing, they exposed more about the attacker than the receiver, in this case—me. What is it in our nature that inspires meanness? Why do we attack with viciousness with the intent to hurt, when history shows that such attacks seldom invite resolutions? Do we prefer to destroy rather than mend?

Personal attacks are typically met with a driving affect to retaliate. We want to protect with ferocity. Meanness driven by our intent to hurt, protects against danger, we puff our chest, expose our strength and hide our weakness. Most mean Facebook messages, even ones decorated with colorful threats, are simply relieving tension and pose no real danger. Our emotions, though, aren’t always adept at identifying real danger. They receive the threat and pull the alarm, calling for action.

Mindfulness and Intentions to Hurt

Mindfulness is a handy tool to invite to these moments. Once emotions settle, we can examine the incident from a more dispassionate position. An aggressive-attacking response can be studied in a general context rather than through the distorted lens of hurt.

The aggressive attack is an ugly approach to conflict, commonly used to intimidate; the brut may get his or her way but draws energy from the developing relationship; knocking down others, magnifying their insufficiency satisfies a driving need for power. By recognizing this harmful adaptation to need fulfillment, we can eliminate it from our communications and limit time with those prone to this madness.

Powerful digs, striking at the character of others, does little to strengthen the attacker’s long-term security. The hurts continue to accumulate. Others self-protect while collecting an accumulating pile of resentments.

Painful attacks damage bonds. Repeatedly inflicting pain leaves deep scars, building barriers to trust and inviting thoughts and plans to escape the drama for an alternative other. If our goal is intimacy, painful attacks have no place. They hurt, they separate, and they destroy. These unhealthy barbs of manipulation frustrate intentions for emotional security. Mean spirited attacks exact a high cost on relationships; we must identify these behaviors, eliminate them, and learn to constructively express hurts.

Need to Belong and Hurtful Behaviors

Healthy relationships are a basic ingredient for well-being; they provide security. Internal urges drive the need to belong.

Ada Lampert explains:

“Throughout evolution, love, first as touch and then as a rich cluster of loving behaviors, has become a need, and even a prerequisite, for physiological and psychological well-being” (Lampert, 1997, p. 23).

Human is a basic human need. As with other needs, when our efforts to secure the need are thwarted, it arouses our systems. When attachment is threatened, we feel strong emotions. Disagreements, jealousies, or unloving acts scare us. We respond to protect—not connect.

Brené Brown eloquently wrote that  when needs are not met, “we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart and we hurt others” (Brown, 2010).

Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary explain:

“If belongingness is indeed a fundamental need, then aversive reactions to loss of belongingness should go beyond negative affect and include some types of pathology” (Baumeister & Leary, 1995, p. 500).

High Arousal Influences Cognitive Interpretations

When emotionally alert, we interpret experience through distorted and magnifying power of feeling. While afraid, we suspect ulterior motives; normal words take on sinister meanings. We respond with strength to match the power of our brightly colored interpretations. Whether emotions are stimulated by faulty perceptions or real threats, the fear demanding attention is the same.

We hate feeling pain. The hurt, whether physical or emotional, jolts the system to life, seeking an effective response. Even when experiencing subtle and unintended hurt, we respond. A punch, a gesture, or even a facial expression may trigger emotion—discomfort. A strong defense, retaliatory attack may be appropriate, protecting boundaries and chasing off unwarranted abuse; but many reactions drag us further from intended purposes, damaging important relationships, failing to resolve the source of the hurt.

Identifying Pain

Identifying our discomfort early during emotional exchanges offers the opportunity to intelligently intervene, rather than blindly act; once overwhelmed, we are incapable of redirecting hurtful responses, left to deal with the ashes of destruction the next morning.

​Mindfully engaging the emotional flow of a conversation, we can observe the feelings in the soul, capture the protective drive to scream, punch, or devalue before the action materializes from intent to accomplished. Once we acknowledge the intent to hurt, we can slow down, regain composure and invite creative kinder resolutions.

​In arousal, we strike back. John Gottman, a modern leader in relationship studies, identified four common destructive responses; he calls these responses the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman, 2011). Do you see these nasties early or do you justify hurt caused and regret them later? Wrapped up in Gottman’s four horsemen is the unconscious intent to hurt.

Healthy Responses to Threats to Belonging

Here are some healthy responses to threats to one’s need to belong (relationship security), which can help avoid unhealthy defensive behaviors:

1. Self-Soothing and Emotional Regulation:

• Recognize and Acknowledge Feelings: Identify the emotions that arise when feeling insecure (e.g., anxiety, sadness, anger). Allow yourself to feel them without judgment.  
• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend in the same situation. Recognize that feeling insecure is a common human experience.
• Engage in Calming Activities: Use healthy coping mechanisms to manage distress, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation, spending time in nature, or engaging in a hobby.
• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Question the validity of negative thoughts about the relationship or your worthiness of belonging. Are there alternative, more balanced perspectives?

See Emotional Regulation and Self-Soothing for more information on this topic

2. Open and Honest Communication:

• Express Feelings Constructively: Communicate your feelings and needs to the other person in a calm and respectful manner, using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel worried when…”). Avoid blaming or accusatory language.  
• Seek Clarification: If you perceive a threat, ask for clarification about the situation or the other person’s intentions. Misunderstandings can often fuel insecurity.
• Active Listening: When the other person responds, truly listen to their perspective without interrupting or formulating your defense. Try to understand their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.
• Share Your Needs: Clearly articulate what you need from the relationship to feel more secure. This could involve more reassurance, quality time, or open communication.

See Relationship Communication for more on this topic

3. Relationship-Focused Actions:

• Focus on Shared Goals and Values: Remind yourself and your partner of what brings you together and the common goals you share. This can reinforce the strength of the bond.
• Increase Positive Interactions: Consciously make an effort to engage in positive and enjoyable activities together to strengthen the connection and build positive memories.
• Express Appreciation and Affection: Regularly express your appreciation for the other person and show affection in ways that are meaningful to both of you. This can provide reassurance and reinforce the value of the relationship.  
• Seek to Understand Your Partner’s Needs: Just as you have needs, your partner does too. Showing empathy and trying to understand their needs can foster a more secure and reciprocal relationship.

See Creating Intimacy for more on this topic

4. Seeking Support and Perspective:

• Talk to Trusted Others: Share your feelings with supportive friends or family members who can offer a different perspective and emotional support.
• Consider Professional Help: If feelings of insecurity are persistent and significantly impacting your relationships, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor. They can provide tools and strategies for building relationship security and healthy communication.

5. Building Self-Esteem and Self-Reliance:

• Focus on Your Strengths and Values: Remind yourself of your positive qualities and what you bring to relationships.
• Engage in Activities That Boost Confidence: Pursue hobbies, interests, and goals that make you feel competent and fulfilled as an individual.  
• Develop a Strong Sense of Self: Cultivate a sense of identity and well-being that is not solely dependent on external validation from relationships.

See Self-Efficacy for more on this topic

By practicing these healthy responses, individuals can navigate threats to their need to belong in a way that strengthens their relationships and promotes overall well-being, rather than resorting to harmful defensive behaviors.

Associated Concepts

• Compromise: This practice is essential for survival, as conflict is inevitable. Autonomy and healthy compromise are crucial for maintaining intimacy and personal wellness. Without compromise, deception and manipulation may arise, leading to destructive relationships.
• Dyadic Regulation: This refers to a process in which the emotional states of two individuals in a relationship become synchronized and regulated. It involves the ability of both individuals to mutually influence each other’s emotions and provide support during times of emotional distress.
• Emotional Flooding: This event, also known as emotional overwhelm, refers to a state in which a person becomes overwhelmed by intense emotions that seem to take over their entire being. It is characterized by a sudden surge of overwhelming emotions that can be difficult to control or manage.
• Fight or Flight Response: Emotional flooding can trigger this physiological reaction to perceived threats, leading to increased heart rate, adrenaline rush, and heightened alertness.
• Emotional Communication: This refers to conversations during heightened emotional exchanges. Healthy communication requires the ability to regulate emotions during these critical exchanges.
• Emotional Hijacking: This refers to an intense emotional response that is triggered suddenly and takes over a person’s thoughts and actions. It is characterized by a rapid and overwhelming emotional reaction that bypasses rational thinking and can lead to impulsive behavior or irrational decisions.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

We must protect our relationships from the destructive intent to hurt, stop them early before goodness is trampled in their wake. Gottman’s four horsemen fail to achieve our purposes. They protect the ego while destroying the connection.

We must get our brain into the interaction, stepping back, calming the physiological symptoms with a top down approach. Once our system has settled, we can address issues using long-term goals as the guide. Fashioning relationships with the wisdom of John Gottman instead of the example of the likes of John Gotti.

​Mindfulness will prevent much hurt, make discussions less stressful, and lead to greater intimacy. We still must contend with emotions, whether an obnoxious social media troll or a dearly loved partner. As we skillfully learn the art of connection, these moments will lose their power, we will feel first, but then examine the source, and respond with compassion, kindness or power as seen appropriate.