Self Images of Kindness

We abhor benefiting at costs to others—at least openly. The choice grates positive held self-images, suggesting selfishness. Instead of indulging our wants while knowingly injuring another, we prefer to indulge our wants and then justify, slapping a subjective label on the situation. We act selfishly, doing what is best for ourselves, hurt others, then justify the behavior, so we can comfortably enjoy our reward. “I deserve this,” we soothe; or, “they had it coming,” we condemn.

​​Not all are blatantly selfish, sacrificing others, doing what is best for themselves, on their climb to success. Some have a different behavior niche, to skirt around painful trade-offs. Some abandon their selves—sacrificing dreams—in hopes of acceptance. They suffer from a need to please. Whatever the path, connections involve trade-offs, with differing costs and benefits; ignoring costs and highlighting benefits relieves anxiety but also desensitizes choices from the real impacts.

Some Self Interest is Necessary

Some self-interest is essential; living beings must attend to their well-being—or perish. But some personal gain is shortsighted, missing on benefits of connectedness. Sacrifice of self in the present often intertwines with a wider vision. Thomas Merton aptly stated, “no man is an island.” Connections offer blessings that isolation doesn’t; when doing what is best for ourselves damages important connections, then we’re not necessarily doing what’s best for ourselves, no matter how we interpret the situation.

​Connections are essential for surviving and surviving well. Self-interested behaviors include skilled relating—not simply to get our way. The cost of immediate reward that harms an important relationship impacts future resources, hurting ourselves and others. We must employ balance, by making difficult trade offs, managing opposing demands.

Exposing Subjective Justifications

​Like a neglected garage, cluttered with decades of junk, order requires close examination of individual items, making tough trade-offs. Some stuff must go. Too much clutter and the items become unusable, never available when needed. Self-inventory requires difficult decisions, clearing the junk of misdirected impulses, clear vision of needs, and a reasonable picture of the future.

Our subjective excuses and labels intrude on everything. Mixed in with the clutter of our mind. We just need to slowly unpack the mind, by slowing down, and noticing the thinking errors.

​Many wants are incompatible. Drinking every night with friends interferes with intimate relationships; the constant berating of a supervisor limits opportunities; indiscriminate spending postpones retirement. Not all behaviors are wrong, they just conflict with other desires. We must make trade-offs. Through mindful examination we can see where we are justifying with a subjective interpretation.

See Thinking Errors for more on this topic

Balancing What Is Best For Ourselves With Others

When balancing between self and others, we must have compassion for both our self and others—a balance of benefits and costs to everyone. Relationships can’t be played as a zero sum game. We should recognize our own needs, carefully working to fulfill them; but not leaving a path of carnage, littered with the injured bodies in the process. Being oblivious to the impacts we have on others is living a narrow existence.

Without empathy for others’ experiences, we don’t love. Our relationships are manipulative, squeezing the life out of partners, family and friends. Eventually, the relationships exhaust and must be abandoned for new people that are ignorantly blind to the emotional toll about to befall them.

These trade-offs aren’t always easy, and the benefits somewhat muddled in complexity. Psychological findings are mixed on the benefits of personal sacrifice in romantic relationships. Basically, sacrificing doesn’t necessarily lead to happy secure bonding. However, when we never sacrifice when personal preferences collide, we can’t expect our partner to always give in.

In an interesting paper, the authors examined this conflict. They theorize that “acts of sacrifice produce both positive and negative outcomes, and that people experience mixed feelings (i.e., ambivalence) toward their partner after the occurrence of these behaviors” (Righetti et al., 2020). Basically, relationships are complicated.

The Narcissist and Insecure

Finding balance is difficult. To the narcissist, other’s expressions of self-interest triggers annoyance or outrage. The narcissist completely out of balance doesn’t recognize lopsided self-focus; other emotions don’t exist outside of their bodies. “I feel therefore the universe is.”

The narcissist’s emotions sharply stab when confronted with someone whose goals conflict with theirs. To the narcissist, the other is wrong. The other person’s experience—needs and wants—doesn’t exist. They make no trade-offs.

In contrast, the drive for acceptance is not always directed by compassion. Others’ accepting gestures is paramount. Constantly starved for acceptance invites selfish action, the need for approval motivates behavior. When acceptance is not given, the hungry react; their gifts are coupled with resentment. Occasionally, the bitterness bubbles over, “I give and give but you don’t care.” With a desperate cry, one might lament, “It doesn’t pay to be kind,” and “I will never help anyone again.”

​Both expressions warn of giving entangled with messy expectations. The need for acceptance unable to fill the holes of insecurity, disrupt relationship development. Thoughtful giving fails to relieve the aching heart suffering from childhood wounds, desperately seeking fulfillment from the outside world.

We All Have Some Undesirable Traits

Some characteristics of the insecure and the narcissist live in everyone’s hearts, spurring emotions, and motivating thoughts. To grow, we must examine these feelings a little closer. Without careful inspection, we miss the deficiencies and fail to make adjustments.

When inclined to blame others, we should stop and inspect our own hearts a little deeper. We are not an island. Certain behaviors feel good and other behaviors don’t. But when we blame, we fail to acknowledge our involvement—which most of the time, with deeper inspection, can be uncovered and constructive changes made.

When you blame, acknowledge it, raise a flag, signaling a need for deeper inspection. Seldom is a single act the sole cause of adversity. Usually a long causal string of behaviors interacts with unknown forces to contribute to the final event. The final triggering act that breaks our patience is often a response to one of our actions, and that action often was responding to theirs. Each action based on past programming and interpretations of all the parties involved, tainting views, and biasing judgments.

​Our beliefs, expectations and opinions about the people involved weave together creating a messy knot not easily unraveled. Instead of facing the confusion of complexity, the unknowns of causes, we jump to a self-protecting explanation, “you hurt me because you are mean.” These explanations don’t solve the deeper problems—pulling a single string that tightens the knot.

Associated Concepts

• Game Theory: This is a branch of mathematics and economics that deals with the analysis of strategies for dealing with competitive situations where the outcome of a participant’s choice of action depends critically on the actions of other participants.
• The Primary Dilemma: This dilemma refers to the primary human conflict between satisfying individual needs with the social rules for connection.
• Interpersonal Theory: This focuses on the interactions, relationships, and communication between individuals. It explores how people’s behaviors, thoughts, and emotions are influenced by their interactions with others, as well as how these interactions shape their self-concept and identity.
• Social Exchange Theory: This theory explains social change and stability as a process of negotiated exchanges between parties. According to this theory, individuals evaluate their relationships and interactions based on the perceived rewards and costs involved.
• Compromise: This refers to an agreement or settlement reached through mutual concessions by individuals, groups, or parties with differing opinions or goals. It often involves finding a middle ground or a balanced solution to resolve a disagreement or conflict.
• Prisoner Dilemma: This is a classic concept in game theory, butting two prisoners against each other, illustrating a basic principle of self interest (defecting) or mutual cooperation (loyalty) in decision making, and the consequential payoffs of each.

A Few Words By Psychology Fanatic

Escape from habits, deeply ingrained, only is available to those invested in growth; those willing to confront long-standing reactions through painful discovery. The skills to make helpful trade-offs belong to those willing to engage in a lifetime of work. Knowing ourselves, without ignoring others is a process of incremental enlightenments through persistent and directed attention. Only when we see ourselves in relationships to others can we begin to unclutter the messy garages of our minds.