The Purpose of Pain

Pain has a purpose; it’s not a random nasty feeling to needlessly invade our psyche. Pain is a physical response to stimuli perceived as threatening—to our survival and well-being. We intuitively and biologically know relationships are good for us. An intimate partner provides support and care. A close bond adds to financial, time and emotional resources. When we lose a partner (or trust in a partner), we feel loss, fear, anger, and sadness. We feel pain.

Sometimes in response to a shocking event, other times gradually but in a flash of recognition, we grasp the loss of love, feeling the pain of losing trust; trust in a partner, trust in the relationship. The frightful realization initiates change; perhaps the beginning of the end or maybe the beginning of concerted efforts to mend, making the relationship whole again. Either way, we are moving on to something different, and hopefully better.

See Pain Body for more on this topic

Grieving Depression

The end of a relationship may ignite grieving depression. Carl Hindy, J. Conrad Schwarz, J. and Archie Brodsky explain that grieving depression is a reaction to “the loss of nurturance and support on which one has depended.” It is associated with “social isolation, a lack of personal energy, and a lack of experience and confidence in attracting and getting along with others.” Grieving depression is expressed “by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, based on the perception (which may be realistic) that the lost relationship will not easily be replaced” (Hindy et al., 1990).

These intense reactions are not abnormal. however, we may need professional support to assist with the grieving process.

Skip the Blame

Often the ending of a relationship is surrounded by anger. One or both parties experience intense anger over the role of the other in the dissolution of the bond.

Leslie Greenberg explains that when the anger subsides, it often transforms into “grieving what was lost.” This grief state is characterized by either “sadness over a loss or recognizing one’s hurt (i.e., woundedness), or both.” Resolution then involves “integrating the sense of loss with the sense of possibility in the new-found ability to assert and self-soothe” (Greenberg, 2015).

The sooner we can quit focusing on blame, the sooner we can move on.

Relationships end for a variety of reasons. Typically, reasons are an accumulation of many causes. Often, these multiple reasons culminate a single act, leading to the collapse of the relationship. Trying to unweave this mess can take for ever. Defenses, hurt, bias, and normal errors in perspective make an ultimate understanding of why the relationship failed impossible.

Beverly Engel, psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, wrote that the ending of a relationship does not mean that either partner is “a bad person or that either should be blamed for the relationship ending.” It just means that you “have come to the conclusion that considering each of your issues, it is best if you end the relationship and go on with your lives separately.” Some couples discover that” their individual histories pose too great an obstacle to maintaining a mutually healthy, fulfilling, loving relationship” (Engel, 2003, p. 218).

Postpone Jumping into  a New Relationship

When a relationship continuously disrupts, stirring painful feelings, we may be enticed by the possibility of an alternative partner, one who rejuvenates the wondrous feelings of romance from a long ago past. Relationship jumping is a dangerous game. Whether the current relationship has been formerly terminated or not, an immediate new romance often impedes healing from proper grieving. Grieving is essential to healing, allowing for gentle self-explorations.

Running from a crumbling relationship by moving on to a new romance distracts (and feels good) but doesn’t heal. We only temporarily postpone the pain. Broken relationships don’t disappear without psychological marks; but distracted by the dominant feelings of new love, we miss the healing powers of the hurt, missing the opportunity for necessary healing. Some spend a lifetime avoiding painful self-discovery. But wounds compound, eventually knocking us further off center, creating instability and a path scattered with broken relationships.

Relationship jumping reveals possible character flaws, suggesting inability to process the nastiness of intense emotions. Instead of working through problems, examining self contributions, the abandoning pattern represents escape from discomfort. The lack of emotionally mature processing, soothing and learning from emotions hampers attachments with premature fleeing. A pattern precluding the runner from the richness of intimacy.

Processing the Loss

Processing the end of a relationship demands significant resources. Even when ending a relationship is right, we still grieve the loss. This process often includes self-reflection, rediscovering personal identity and interests, and seeking support from friends, family, or professionals if needed. Ultimately, moving on after love is gone offers an opportunity for individuals to find closure, learn from the experience, and open themselves up to new possibilities in life and relationships.

Processing the end of a significant relationship can be challenging, but there are several strategies that can help an individual cope and move forward:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Recognize that it’s natural to feel a range of emotions after a breakup and give yourself permission to grieve the loss.
• Seek Support: Lean on friends, family, or support groups for emotional support during this time.
• Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your ex-partner, especially if maintaining distance is necessary for healing.
• Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being by engaging in activities that promote physical and mental health¹.
• Reflect: Take time to reflect on the relationship and what you’ve learned from the experience¹.
• Professional Help: Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance through the healing process¹.
• New Activities: Explore new hobbies or interests to help redirect your focus and energy¹.
• Avoid Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: Be mindful of turning to substances or behaviors that may provide temporary relief but could be harmful in the long run.
• Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like meditation can help you stay grounded and manage difficult emotions.
• Plan for the Future: Set goals for yourself and think about what you want your life to look like moving forward.

Remember, healing takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself as you navigate this transition.

Learning From the Ending

A failed relationship offers great wisdom; a school master to those who take sufficient time to ruminate. We glean priceless insights after the emotional ashes settle. If we compassionately examine the behaviors, patterns and emotions, priceless clues emerge about own character and behaviors that contributed to the failure. Until we recognize our role, we’ll likely repeat it.

Relationship endings are not going to be unemotional, logical forums for learning. Emotions are deeply embedded in the breakup. However, we can still draw wisdom, even during grieving.

Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney wrote:

“A resilient person may be deeply affected by a traumatic event, and may experience psychological symptoms such as depression, recurrent intrusive memories, or hypervigilance – but it does mean being able to carry on with the important facets of one’s life in spite of painful and distressing symptoms” (Southwick & Charney, 2018).

After a relationship ends, the feelings are still raw and the causes still salient. We momentarily have opportunities for insightful investigations into our souls. But self-exploration is unpleasant, revealing personal flaws. But only through acknowledgement of the insecurities, self-hatred, unreasonable expectations, and poor social skills can we address and improve the bugaboos of our connection abilities. With guided attention, our personal growth increases chances of a successful relationship in the future when it is time to move on.

See Learning from Failed Relationships for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Post Traumatic Growth (PTG): This growth refers to the positive psychological changes that can occur as a result of struggling with highly challenging life crises. This concept suggests that individuals can experience personal growth and development after facing traumatic events, such as illness, loss, or other life-altering experiences.
• Commitment Issues: This concept refers to inability to make long-term promises to others—particularly intimate partners. Typically, this involves a traumatic past, where commitment is frightens.
• Risk Regulation Model: This model proposes individuals have an internal regulation systems that individuals use to navigate the intense conflicting demands between self-protecting security and desires for security and belonging.
• Emotional Safety: This refers to the feeling of being secure, supported, and comfortable expressing one’s thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. It encompasses trust, empathy, open communication, and the absence of emotional harm or manipulation.
• I Love You; You’re Free to Go: This article refers to the act of love involved in letting someone you love go when it is their desire to do so.
• Entangled Relationships: These refer to relationships where the relationship impairs and prevents growth of the partner. Healthy relationships expand and encourage growth in the partner.
• Leaving a Marriage: The ending of a marriage has serious impact on all parties involved. Emotionally, it can lead to feelings of loss, grief, confusion, and even relief. The impact may also extend to children, family members, and friends who are part of the couple’s social circle. Financially, there may be significant changes in income, assets, and living arrangements.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

As you navigate the complex journey of moving on after love is gone, remember that healing is not a linear process. It’s perfectly normal to encounter moments of sadness and reflection as you come to terms with your emotions. Embrace these feelings; they are essential for personal growth and understanding. Allow yourself the time and space needed to heal, recognizing that every step forward—no matter how small—is a part of your journey toward rediscovering joy in life and love.

Ultimately, moving on opens up new possibilities for connection and fulfillment. Each relationship teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves, shaping our future interactions. As you set goals for what lies ahead, focus on nurturing your passions and building supportive connections with others who uplift you. With patience and self-compassion, you’ll find strength within yourself to embrace new experiences, cultivate healthier relationships, and create a fulfilling life beyond the pain of loss. Remember that this chapter is just one part of your story—there’s so much more waiting to be written!