Leaving a Marriage: Navigating the Challenges and Considerations
Built for love, we need others. Our health and security rely on helpful others. Life is lived within relationships—starting at birth and continuing through old age. Healthy adaptations to life depend on the security of acceptance. When we fear rejection, our minds intervene and create escapes; the escape jolts the body with relief but interferes with growth. Many, if not most relationships, encounter a critical juncture. We face the imperfections, incompatibility, and difficulties and wonder, should I leave. There is no perfect advice for leaving a marriage. The decision is significant, with severe consequences, at the very least, we need to pause and consider other options first.
Dr. Karen Finn explains that every partner, at sometime questions the viability of a marriage and wonders if they should leave.
Finn wrote:
“It’s an incredibly painful question to ask yourself because the only way to answer it is to dig down deep, way past the superficial hurts” (Finn, 2015).
Surrounded by loving people, we develop. The loving acceptance of supportive others nourishes our spirits and encourages growth; we need them. When we lack love, our health suffers (emotionally, physically and spiritually). The essential role of love (and positive regard) creates a powerful cocktail of emotions, pushing and pulling heart strings. We bounce between vulnerabilities, fears, and great joys.
Key Definition:
Leaving a marriage can have a serious impact on all parties involved. Emotionally, it can lead to feelings of loss, grief, confusion, and even relief. The impact may also extend to children, family members, and friends who are part of the couple’s social circle. Financially, there may be significant changes in income, assets, and living arrangements. Additionally, legal proceedings such as divorce or separation can be emotionally and financially draining.
Some Relationships End
The reality is that not all relationships are destined to last forever. Sometimes, despite the best intentions, two people simply aren’t a good match in the long run, with fundamental differences in values, goals, or lifestyles creating an insurmountable divide. Other times, a relationship can become a source of too much pain, whether due to unresolved conflict, betrayal, or unhealthy dynamics that consistently harm one or both partners.
Furthermore, individuals naturally evolve and grow over time, and sometimes those paths diverge, leading partners to realize they no longer share the same vision for the future or connect in the same way they once did. These are all valid reasons for a relationship to end, and acknowledging this inevitability can be a crucial step in accepting the natural course of human connection.
Beverly Engel, psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, wrote that:
“The ending of a relationship does not mean that either partner is a bad person or that either should be blamed for the relationship ending. It just means that you have come to the conclusion that considering each of your issues, it is best if you end the relationship and go on with your lives separately. Some couples discover that their individual histories pose too great an obstacle to maintaining a mutually healthy, fulfilling, loving relationship” (Engel, 2003, p. 218).
Wisdom to Leave
It’s important to recognize that even when ending a relationship is the most appropriate and healthy decision, it doesn’t negate the pain involved. The severing of an intimate bond, regardless of the reasons, often triggers feelings of sadness, loss, and grief. There’s a loss of shared history, routines, and future dreams, and even in amicable separations, the absence of a once significant person can leave a void. The emotional investment made in the relationship, the vulnerability shared, and the hopes that were once held contribute to the hurt. Accepting that endings can be both necessary and painful allows for a more compassionate and understanding approach to navigating these challenging life transitions.
Relationship Endings Leave Scars
The ending of an intimate relationship often creates emotional scars because it disrupts a significant attachment bond. Humans are wired for connection, and in a close relationship, individuals often intertwine their lives, sharing vulnerabilities, dreams, and daily routines. When this bond is severed, it triggers a grief response similar to the loss of a loved one. Feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, and even physical symptoms can arise. The shared history and future that was envisioned also vanish, leading to a profound sense of loss and emptiness. This experience can shake one’s sense of security and predictability in the world, leaving a lasting imprint on their emotional landscape (Murphy, 2021).
Impact to Identity and Self-Esteem
Beyond the immediate grief, the ending of a relationship can deeply impact one’s self-esteem and sense of identity. Individuals may question their worthiness of love, blaming themselves for the breakup or feeling rejected. Trust in others, and even in oneself to choose a partner wisely, can be eroded. The experience might lead to rumination, where individuals repeatedly replay past events and conversations, trying to understand what went wrong. This can prolong the emotional pain and hinder the ability to move forward. The vulnerability exposed during intimacy, when met with a painful ending, can create a fear of future vulnerability and intimacy, acting as a scar that influences subsequent relationships.
Healing From the Wounds
Over time, these emotional wounds can heal, but they often leave a mark. Individuals may become more cautious in future relationships, develop defense mechanisms, or carry lingering insecurities. Leslie Greenberg explains that when the anger associated with the collapse of a relationship subsides, it often transforms into “grieving what was lost.” This grief state is characterized by “either sadness over a loss or recognizing one’s hurt (i.e., woundedness), or both.” Greenberg continues to explain that resolution then “involves integrating the sense of loss with the sense of possibility in the new-found ability to assert and self-soothe” (Greenberg, 2015).
While these experiences can foster personal growth and resilience, the pain of a significant relationship ending can leave lasting emotional scars that shape how individuals approach love and connection in the future. The intensity and nature of these scars can vary greatly depending on the depth of the relationship, the circumstances of the breakup, and the individual’s coping mechanisms.
Our Relationship Insufficiencies
Before a rash decision to move on, we must consider that no relationship will cater to every need—there is always gaps, insecurities, and personal issues that bother. Sometimes leaving a marriage is appropriate, creating the safety and space essential for regaining emotional stability. However, quick and careless escapes from relationship difficulties doesn’t bode well for future attempts at intimacy. The loving intimacy we desire may be just on the other side of the problem we’re afraid to address, something we can only achieve through the difficult task of open conversations.
Abandoning salvageable relationships without examining personal responsibility often fails to address our maladaptive behaviors that contribute to the fraying the bonds of intimacy. In self-righteous flight, we overlook our damaging contributions. Our habitual blaming obscures our significant involvement. We protect our brokenness, ignore our weakness, and fail to grow.
“If respect is lacking in your marriage, you need to know that it is possible to find respect again.”
Carrying Unresolved Issues into New Relationships
We leave, blaming the partner, escaping the emotional bumps of imperfection; but our inadequacies typically are not beyond culpability. Left unexamined, we bring the same poison to our next relationship and the cycle begins again—love, dissatisfaction, blame, escape. We never satisfy our underlying need for acceptance and safety.
Ending a relationship, by closing a door, doesn’t create a blank slate. The door always remains partially ajar. The experiences stored, relics from sorrow endured, forms are perceptions, magnifying fears, and eliciting reactions. The past connections often continue to require shared commitments (children) to reckon with. The separation adds more chaos, at least at first. New emotions, fears and guilt must be contented with before healing resumes.
New relationships must include some drama carrying forward from the old relationship—both external issues (finances and children) and internal issues (emotional connections, fears, and hurts). Simply leaving doesn’t make the old relationship vanish—the relationship still exists, just under new conditions.
Forgiveness for Violation of Relationship Commitments
The choice to forgive a partner for serious violations of loyalty and work on reconciliation is a complex and deeply personal one, driven by a multitude of factors that vary from individual to individual and relationship to relationship. It’s a decision that often involves a profound internal struggle and a careful weighing of the potential for healing against the pain and damage caused.
One primary motivator for choosing this path can be the existence of a deep and meaningful connection, a love that feels worth fighting for despite the hurt. Partners might share a significant history, have built a life together, and envision a future they are reluctant to abandon. The belief that the violation, however serious, might be an aberration rather than a reflection of the core of their relationship can also fuel this decision. Furthermore, some individuals hold a strong personal or spiritual value in forgiveness, seeing it as a path towards healing and personal growth, even if the relationship ultimately doesn’t survive.
Trudy Govier warns of the vulnerability that accompanies forgiveness.
Govier wrote:
“When it leads to reconciliation, forgiveness can be risky precisely because it heals old wounds and enables us to go forward again. Implicit in this healing is our trust that the one we forgive is genuinely sorry for what he has done and genuinely committed not to do it again” (Grovier, 1998).
While forgiveness is essential for healing, it also opens one up for repeat violations and further hurt.
Commitment of Both Partners to Heal the Relationship
However, forgiveness alone is not enough; reconciliation requires significant and sustained effort from both partners. The partner who violated the loyalty must demonstrate genuine remorse, take full accountability for their actions, and be willing to actively work towards rebuilding trust. This involves open and honest communication, transparency, and a commitment to understanding the root causes of the betrayal. The betrayed partner, on the other hand, needs to be willing to process their pain, communicate their needs and boundaries, and gradually allow for the possibility of healing.
This journey often involves navigating difficult emotions, potentially seeking professional guidance through therapy, and accepting that the relationship may be irrevocably changed, even if it continues. The choice to reconcile is ultimately an act of hope, a belief that with dedicated effort and genuine commitment, the relationship can not only recover but potentially emerge stronger, albeit with a new understanding and foundation.
Discernment Counseling and Divorce
Discernment counseling is a specific type of short-term counseling designed for couples where one partner is leaning towards divorce while the other wants to try to save the marriage (Murphy, 2024).
Unlike traditional couples therapy, which typically aims to improve the relationship, the primary goal of discernment counseling is not necessarily reconciliation. Instead, it focuses on helping each individual gain clarity and confidence in their decision about the future of the relationship. The counselor facilitates a process where each partner can explore their individual contributions to the problems, their desires for the future, and the potential paths forward, whether that involves working towards reconciliation or moving towards separation.
The process in discernment counseling typically involves a few sessions where the partners meet together and also have individual conversations with the counselor. This allows the counselor to understand each person’s perspective, their level of commitment to working on the marriage, and their reasons for considering divorce.
The “leaning out” partner (the one considering divorce) is encouraged to articulate their reasons for wanting to leave, while the “leaning in” partner (the one wanting to save the marriage) explores their willingness to address the issues and work towards change. The focus is on gaining a deeper understanding of the relationship dynamics and each partner’s role within them, ultimately leading to a more informed and thoughtful decision about whether to commit to a six-month period of intensive couples therapy for reconciliation or to proceed with the process of separation or divorce.
A Pattern of Leaving and Returning
The maladaptive relationship pattern of repeatedly leaving and returning to the same partner, often referred to as a “cyclical relationship” or “on-again/off-again relationship,” is characterized by a recurring cycle of breakups followed by reconciliations with the same individual. This pattern often stems from a complex interplay of unresolved issues, emotional attachments, and fears. While the temporary relief of reuniting might feel comforting, the underlying problems that led to the initial separation are rarely addressed effectively, leading to a predictable repetition of the cycle.
Causes of Cyclical Relationships
Several factors can contribute to this pattern. One common driver is an intense emotional connection or dependency that makes it difficult for either partner to fully let go, even when the relationship is consistently unsatisfying. The familiarity and comfort of the known, even with its flaws, can be preferable to the uncertainty of being alone or finding someone new. Furthermore, there might be a persistent hope that things will eventually change or improve, leading to repeated attempts to make the relationship work. Unresolved conflicts, poor communication patterns, or individual insecurities can also fuel this cycle, as these issues resurface after each reconciliation, inevitably leading to another breakup.
“When people explain that they are staying in the marriage to avoid pain or fear, this indicates that the marriage hasn’t much glue, and such marriages aren’t as likely to endure.”
Cyclical Relationships Interfere with Personal Growth
This pattern is considered maladaptive because it often prevents genuine resolution and personal growth. The constant emotional rollercoaster of breaking up and getting back together can lead to significant stress, anxiety, and erosion of trust between partners. Instead of addressing the fundamental issues, the focus shifts to the drama of separation and reunion. This cycle can also hinder individuals from moving on and finding potentially healthier and more fulfilling relationships. The repeated returns often create a false sense of progress without any real substantive change, ultimately perpetuating dissatisfaction and preventing both individuals from truly meeting their needs for stability, security, and authentic connection.
See Disposable Relationships for more on this topic
Discomforting Emotions Accompany Divorce
Leaving a marriage has a way of sparking guilt. Trust has been broken. Promises of forever were just lies. Guilt from the many lives hurt by a divorce demands solace, driving continued contact. Financial obligations, complex child custody arrangements, and emotional separation interfere with forging new relationships. These difficulties give rise to anger, sorrow, guilt, and sadness. Maybe these complexities, often overlooked initially, are worth the pain—but many times they are not.
We originally create commitments because we believe the relationship can satisfy our needs, giving love and providing security. What happens? How did this all change? Before abandoning ship, seeking better love, we should ask ourselves, “what do I bring to the relationship?” “Do you bear the fruits of love: attention, appreciation, acceptance and affection?” Loving is a perishable skill; proficiency demands constant practice.
We must examine ourselves—critiquing how we practice and express love. All too many self-righteously assume they are right and their partners are dysfunctional. A young woman once lamented to me after her fifth failed relationship, “I sure know how to pick ’em.” She never considered how her drug addictions and emotional instabilities severely limited the pool of men she could pick from.
“There was an unwillingness to change on his part. He couldn’t step up to be the partner that I needed.”
The Necessity of Trust and the Failure of Manipulation in Love
Love flourishes only within a secure and nurturing environment. It cannot take root or grow in a climate of manipulation, where trust is eroded by angry outbursts, harsh accusations, and hurtful labels. These tactics, far from fostering intimacy or repairing closeness, actively dismantle the very foundation upon which a healthy relationship is built. While some might argue that manipulation is a means to achieve desired outcomes, the compliance it elicits is born out of fear, not genuine desire or understanding.
Action to avoid harshness spawns resentment; not love. When individuals act under the threat of nasty looks, cold rejection, or even violence, their motivation is to avoid discomfort and protect themselves from negative consequences. This fear-driven behavior comes at a significant cost to the relationship. It prevents the development of true intimacy, as vulnerability and open communication are replaced by guardedness and resentment. Instead of fostering a connection based on mutual respect and understanding, manipulation creates a dynamic of power imbalance and ultimately undermines the very love it seeks to control.
In essence, while manipulation might achieve temporary compliance, it fundamentally poisons the well of love. True connection and lasting intimacy can only be cultivated through trust, respect, and open communication, not through the destructive and fear-inducing tactics of manipulation.
“If you find that you have significantly more negative interactions with your partner than positive interactions, it may be a sign that you need a divorce.”
The Essential Need for Relationship Skills
The success of the ultimate decision to either leave or stay in a relationship indeed hinges significantly on relationship skills. If the decision is to stay and work on reconciliation, a lack of these skills will severely hinder the chances of success. Repairing a broken relationship requires the ability to communicate openly and honestly about the issues, actively listen to the partner’s perspective, empathize with their feelings, and collaboratively problem-solve. Without skills like conflict resolution, emotional regulation, and the capacity for forgiveness, couples will likely fall back into old patterns, perpetuating the problems that led to the crisis in the first place. Therefore, the ability to utilize effective relationship skills is paramount for navigating the difficult journey of rebuilding trust and intimacy.
Conversely, even if the decision is to leave, relationship skills play a vital role in ensuring a more positive outcome, both in the immediate separation process and for future relationships. Skills such as respectful communication, setting healthy boundaries, and managing conflict constructively are crucial for navigating the often emotionally charged process of separation in a way that minimizes unnecessary pain and damage, especially if there are shared responsibilities like children. Furthermore, reflecting on past relationship dynamics and understanding one’s own contributions and patterns, skills honed through self-awareness and emotional intelligence, are essential for learning from the experience and making healthier choices in future partnerships.
In essence, relationship skills are not just about maintaining a happy partnership; they are fundamental life skills that influence the success of any interpersonal connection, including the decision to end one. Whether you choose to mend what’s broken or to move forward, your ability to communicate effectively, understand emotions, manage conflict, and build healthy boundaries will significantly impact the outcome and lay the groundwork for more fulfilling relationships in the future.
Important Relationship Skills for Success
For Salvaging a Broken Relationship:
- Effective Communication:
- Active Listening: Fully concentrating on what the other person is saying, understanding their perspective, responding thoughtfully, and remembering the information.
- Clear and Direct Expression: Articulating your own needs, feelings, and concerns in a way that is respectful and easy to understand.
- Non-Defensive Communication: Avoiding blame, criticism, and defensiveness when discussing difficult topics.
- Empathy and Understanding: The ability to understand and share the feelings of your partner, seeing things from their point of view.
- Conflict Resolution Skills:
- Identifying Underlying Issues: Getting to the root of disagreements rather than focusing on surface-level arguments.
- Finding Mutually Agreeable Solutions: Working together to find compromises and resolutions that satisfy both partners.
- Knowing When to Compromise: Being willing to give and take to reach a solution.
- Emotional Regulation: Managing your own emotions in a healthy way, especially during conflict or stressful times.
- Rebuilding Trust: Being reliable, honest, and consistent in your actions to earn back trust.
- Forgiveness (When Appropriate): Letting go of past hurts and resentments to move forward.
- Commitment and Willingness to Change: Both partners must be genuinely committed to making changes. Only through the efforts of both partners can a relationship change negative patterns.
For Building a New Relationship:
- Self-Awareness: Understanding your own needs, patterns, triggers, and what you are looking for in a partner based on past experiences.
- Boundary Setting: Clearly communicating and maintaining healthy personal boundaries.
- Trust and Vulnerability: Gradually opening up and being vulnerable with a new partner while also being discerning about who to trust.
- Effective Communication (as above): These skills are crucial from the beginning of a new relationship.
- Empathy and Understanding (as above): Essential for building connection and intimacy.
- Conflict Resolution Skills (as above): Even healthy relationships will have disagreements.
- Emotional Regulation (as above): Managing your own emotions helps prevent unnecessary conflict.
- Learning from Past Relationships: Identifying patterns and mistakes from previous relationships to avoid repeating them.
- Patience: Allowing a new relationship to develop naturally and not rushing the process.
- Respect: Valuing your new partner’s opinions, feelings, and individuality.
- Building Intimacy: Creating emotional and physical closeness through shared experiences, vulnerability, and affection.
- Appreciation: Expressing gratitude and acknowledging the positive qualities of your new partner and the relationship.
A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic
True intimacy requires a lifetime’s work. We will fall short as partners—our chosen companions will fall short of expectations. We then must rely on our limited resources to trudge through the challenges and create security where doubt was lived.
By learning to navigate through the natural limitations without blaming or manipulating, we learn how to connect, enjoying the human demands for intimacy. Our partners may join us on this sacred journey; or they may prefer to stay stuck in the mire of reactionary relations. After careful consideration, a step removed from the anger, we then must make a critical and life changing decision of leaving a marriage: “Should I stay, or should I go?”
Associated Concepts
- Affection Exchange Theory: This theory proposed by Kory Floyd, emphasizes the role of affectionate communication in forming and maintaining emotional bonds between individuals. It’s rooted in evolutionary biology and highlights the reciprocity of affectionate behaviors, promoting trust, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
- Counter-Dependency: This trait is characterized by a intense fear of commitment that motivates overt behaviors to avoid emotional dependence on others. This behavior often manifests as a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from perceived threats of vulnerability and emotional exposure.
- Fear of Engulfment: This refers to the experience of feeling overwhelmed and trapped in a relationship. It is on the opposite end of the attachment spectrum from fear of abandonment.
- Love-Hate Relationships: These relationships have a complex emotional bond, characterized by both intense feelings of love and deep frustrations or animosity. In such relationships, the individuals may experience conflicting emotions, oscillating between affection and resentment.
- Commitment Issues: This concept refers to inability to make long-term promises to others—particularly intimate partners. Typically, this involves a traumatic past, where commitment is frightens.
- Fear of Abandonment: This refers to the overwhelming fear that others will leave you both physically or emotionally. The fear motivates unhealthy bonding behaviors that sometimes motivates the feared abandoning.
- I Love You; You’re Free to Go: This article refers to the act of love involved in letting someone you love go when it is their desire to do so.
References:
Engel, Beverly (2003). The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. Wiley; 1st edition. ISBN: 978-1-394-17154-5
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Finn, Karen (2015). 6 Tough Questions You Must Ask BEFORE Leaving Your Marriage. drkarenfinn.com. Published: 10-30-2015; Retrieved: 6-2-2021. Website: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/unhappy-marriage/287-6-tough-questions-you-must-ask-before-leaving-your-marriage
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Govier, Trudy (1998). Dilemmas of Trust. McGill-Queen’s University Press; First Edition. ISBN-10: 0773517979; DOI: 10.1017/S0012217300018643
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Greenberg, Leslie S. (2015). Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients to Work Through Their Feelings. American Psychological Association; 2nd edition. DOI: 10.1037/14692-000; ISBN-10: 1433840979
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2021). Wounds That Refuse to Heal: The Lingering Pain of Emotional Scars. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 10-4-2021; Accessed: 3-13-2025. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/wounds-that-refuse-to-heal/
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2024). Navigating the Crossroads of Love: The Power of Relationship Discernment Counseling. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 4-26-2024; Accessed: 3-13-2025. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/discernment-counseling/
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Last Update: November 5, 2025
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