Breaking the Cycle of Self-Blame: A Path to Healing

Self-blame is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual holds themselves responsible for a negative event or outcome, attributing it to their own actions or inadequacies. It is a common response to challenging situations and can have significant impacts on mental well-being.

Like many cognitive processes, an individual’s use of self-blame ranges from denial of any personal responsibility, to the healthy accepting of culpability, to a self destroying practice of attacking one’s own personal character for failing to live up to unrealistic expectations. Because hurtful self judging has shared characteristics with healthy taking responsibility for our lives, we may see self-blame as a acceptable practice. Accordingly, we may continue to blame ourselves, destroying self-esteem, and inviting depression, even when our self-focused judgements are unhelpful.

Blame of Character or Behavior

Not all self-blame is equal. A common distinction is whether we blame our character or a specific behavior. If we blame our character, seeing ourselves as possessing a flawed character trait, the blaming is more harmful. Martin Seligman wrote that “blaming one’s character implies a cause that is relatively stable and uncontrollable, whereas blaming one’s behavior implies a cause that is more changeable or controllable” (Seligman, 1995).

Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, professor emerita of psychology and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts, explains that there are at least two types of self-blame. She labels one “characterological self-blame,” and the other she refers to as the other “behavioral self-blame.” Janoff-Bulman posits that “characterological self-blame is esteem-related and corresponds to the more popular notions of self-blame associated with depression.” She continues to explain that characterology self blame is “focused on the individual’s character or enduring qualities.”

In contrast, she adds, “behavioral self-blame…is control-related. Blame is focused on one’s own behavior, the acts or omissions a person believes causally contributed to an outcome.” Consequently, Janoff-Bulman explains that “behavioral self-blame reflects the reestablishment of meaning primarily through control-related attributions for the victimization” (Janoff-Bulman, 2002, pp. 125-126).

Causes of Self-Blame

• Personal Control Illusion: Humans have a natural tendency to believe that they have more control over events than they actually do. When faced with unpleasant circumstances, individuals often experience a cognitive bias that leads them to overestimate their responsibility for the outcome.
• Perfectionism: High levels of perfectionism can contribute to practices of personal-blame, as individuals set unrealistically high standards for themselves. When these expectations are not met, they may blame themselves for any perceived failure or mistake.
• Past Experiences: Previous traumatic experiences, such as childhood abuse or neglect, can contribute to feelings of self-blame later in life (Heller & LaPierre, 2012). These experiences may lead individuals to internalize blame, assuming that they somehow caused or deserved the negative events that occurred.
• Social Comparison: Constantly comparing oneself to others and feeling inadequate can lead to self-blame. By focusing on perceived flaws or shortcomings, individuals may believe that they are responsible for their own unhappiness or lack of success.
• Cultural and Societal Expectations: Societal pressures and cultural norms can influence the tendency to engage in self-blame. Certain cultures may emphasize the importance of personal responsibility or promote the idea that one’s actions determine their worthiness, leading to increased self-blame in individuals from those backgrounds.

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Sadly, children often engage in practices of self-blame for conditions far beyond their reach of responsibility. An awful component of childhood abuse is the devastating reaction of a child of taking responsibility for undeserved punishment. This cognitive pattern tends to follow the child into adulthood. Children also engage in counterfactual thinking, blaming themselves for the parent’s relationship problems. The focus of the child’s innocent assessment of cause creates a harmful pattern of accepting responsibility for events they have no control over.

Coping Strategies for Self-Blame

• Cultivate Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and that self-blame is counterproductive to personal growth.
• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge any negative thoughts or beliefs that contribute to self-blame. Engage in rational and objective self-reflection, considering alternative explanations for the negative event or outcome.
• Seek Support: Share your feelings of self-blame with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist. They can provide valuable perspectives, empathy, and guidance, helping you reframe the situation in a healthier way.
• Practice Mindfulness: Learn to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment through mindfulness techniques. This can help you become aware of any self-judging tendencies and shift your focus towards self-acceptance and self-love.
• Focus on Problem-Solving: Instead of dwelling on self-blame, shift your energy towards finding solutions or taking constructive actions to address the situation. This proactive approach can empower you and strengthen your resilience.
• Challenge Perfectionistic Standards: Recognize the dangers of perfectionism and set realistic expectations for yourself. Embrace the concept of growth and learning, allowing room for mistakes and setbacks along the way.

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Self-blame quietly sneaks into patterns of thoughts, disrupting inner peace, and making a mess of our emotional lives. Ervin Staub suggests that a key to change is “by acquiring the capacity to become an observer not only of others’ but of one’s own psychological processes” (Staub, 1992). Accordingly, if we can step back, even for a moment, we can begin to separate the ‘chaff’ of self-blame, from the ‘wheat’ of healthy taking of personal responsibility.

We can’t address cognitive patterns we don’t recognize.

Associated Concepts

• Self-Hate: This refers to the intense feelings of dislike, anger, and even loathing directed towards oneself. This can manifest in various forms, including negative self-talk, self-destructive behavior, low self-esteem, and a persistent sense of worthlessness.
• Self-Compassion Theory: This theory explains the need to extend kindness, understanding, and acceptance to oneself in moments of difficulty or failure. It involves treating oneself with the same type of kindness and empathy that one would extend to a friend in a similar situation.
• Self-Acceptance: This refers to the ability to embrace and fully accept oneself, including one’s strengths, weaknesses, and unique characteristics. It involves acknowledging one’s imperfections without self-criticism and recognizing personal worth and value regardless of external standards or expectations.
• Perfectionism: This refers to a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. This drive for perfection can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and stress.
• Negative Self-Talk: These inner conversations can be crippling, leading to low self-esteem and mental health issues. By challenging and transforming this inner dialogue, individuals can embrace self-growth and cultivate a more positive and compassionate self-image, leading to a brighter future and overall wellness.
• Carl Rogers’ Theory of Self: This concept is the cornerstone of humanistic psychology, emphasizes the dynamic nature of the self and the importance of congruence between the real and ideal self. The theory stresses the impact of empathy, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard on personal growth and fulfillment.
• Self-Forgiveness: This practice is pivotal for personal growth and emotional healing. It involves acknowledging responsibility, accepting past mistakes, and releasing guilt and shame. Genuine self-forgiveness integrates the values violated and encourages moral transformation, leading to personal growth and well-being.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Self-blame can be detrimental to one’s well-being, leading to increased stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem. By understanding the causes of harmful self-judgements and implementing effective coping strategies, individuals can break free from the cycle of blame. Remember, compassion, self-reflection, and seeking support are key in overcoming self-blame and cultivating a more positive and healthy mindset.

Last Update: July 19, 2025

References:

Heller, Lawrence; LaPierre, Aline (2012). Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. North Atlantic Books; 1st edition. (Return to Article)

Janoff-Bulman, Ronnie (2002). Shattered Assumptions (Towards a New Psychology of Trauma). Free Press; Completely Updated edition. (Return to Article)

Seligman, Martin E.P.; Buchanan, Gregory McClell (1995). Explanatory Style. Routledge; 1st edition. (Return to Article)

Staub, Ervin (1992). The Roots of Evil: The Origins of Genocide and Other Group Violence. ‎Cambridge University Press; Revised ed. edition. (Return to Article)