Sometimes hidden goals interfere with the bona fide riches of a flourishing life. Unconscious goals can direct our lives in disastrous ways, steering us away from authentic happiness and fulfillment. We chase these hidden desires, often sacrificing many of the real joys of living in pursuit of an elusive sense of ease or contentment. This drive to attain present moment ease can lead us down a path where we complicate our futures and magnify anxieties, as we prioritize immediate gratification over long-term emotional well-being. A common consequence of this mindset is the demonization of difficult emotions like sadness, anger, and guilt—feelings that are natural parts of the human experience.

In an attempt to alleviate discomfort associated with these emotions, many well-meaning individuals resort to burying their feelings instead of addressing them head-on. This suppression creates a false sense of security: by ignoring or concealing our true emotions, we hope to improve our lives and find peace. However, such avoidance often leads to unresolved emotional issues that can manifest in various negative ways—impacting mental health and interpersonal relationships alike.

By failing to confront and process difficult emotions, we miss out on valuable lessons they hold for personal growth and resilience; thus perpetuating a cycle where genuine joy remains just out of reach. Recognizing this tendency is crucial in fostering healthier coping mechanisms that embrace rather than reject the complexities inherent in being human.

Key Definition:

Burying emotions refers to the act of suppressing or repressing one’s feelings, often by attempting to ignore or conceal them rather than addressing or expressing them. This can result in unresolved emotional issues and potential negative impacts on mental and emotional well-being.

The Myth of Choosing Emotions

Many modern theorists of positive thinking legitimize the defensive mechanisms of denial, avoidance, and suppression. Instead of a deeper examination of the complex causes of an emotion, examining internal thought process and external events, the simple-minded advice is to narrow your thinking, constrict your perspective, and blame the emotion on itself. To stop being sad, we are advised to quit choosing to be sad. While consciously directing attention to more positive aspects of living may be part of the answer, banishing all unpleasant emotions is not.

Burying emotions is not the answer. Regulating the discomfort and developing means to deal with the frustrations will serve our futures much better than abandoning feelings altogether. It’s important to recognize that emotions are a natural and essential part of being human. By acknowledging and understanding our emotions, we can learn to manage them effectively, leading to a healthier and more balanced life. Instead of suppressing our feelings, we can explore constructive ways to express and process them. This could involve talking to a trusted friend or therapist, engaging in creative activities, or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Embracing our emotions, rather than burying them, allows us to grow and evolve as individuals, leading to greater resilience and well-being.

Starving the Donkey

​The Monk began. He decided to slowly cut back on the donkey’s food. Each week, just a little less than the week before. As the weeks and the months progressed the ass seemed to adjust, not begging or expecting. But unexpectedly the donkey took to illness and died. “What a shame,” the monk thought. “Another few weeks and I would have had this donkey living without food at all.”

In our great search for happiness, we often fall for the same foolish logic. We presume happiness is disrupted by negative emotion. With distractions, positive mantras, and strict management of thought, we choke out the negatives. We falsely believe that without negative effect we are experiencing joy. Yet, in reality, we simply have blocked awareness to immense wisdom of emotions.

Shallow Relationships and Burying Emotions

A common response to overstimulation of emotions to detach emotionally. We regulate “continual exposure to stimulating content that over stimulates us” through “emotional detachment” (Au & Chew, 2017). Daniel Siegel,  a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the School of Medicine of the University of California, Los Angeles, explains that excessive “parasympathetic branch activity leads to increased energy-conserving processes, manifested as decreases in heart rate and respiration and as a sense of ‘numbness’ and ‘shutting down’ within the mind” (Siegel, 2020).

A young military father returned from a three-year tour across seas in a brutal and terrible war. Effective survival and duty demanded a blunting of emotions. At home, however, life with children and spouse did not fare well without the guiding wisdom of emotions. The empathy to connect was lost. The world became a gruff black and white. Unable to connect through analytical explanations, the children were raised with the coldness of logic. The emotionally disconnected father asked his tender little girl, “why are you crying? Tears won’t solve anything.” Divorce and estrangement from his children soon followed.

His life, much like the starving donkey, was void of essential nourishment. The father could have learned a valuable lesson from his teary eyed three-year old daughter.

See Emotional Detachment for more on this topic

Healthy Expression of Emotions

Healthy emotional expression is crucial for our overall well-being. It allows us to process and understand our internal experiences, fostering self-awareness and emotional intelligence. When we express our emotions authentically, we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our needs. This self-knowledge empowers us to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and make choices that align with our values and aspirations.

Furthermore, healthy emotional expression plays a vital role in our relationships. It allows us to communicate our needs and boundaries effectively, build stronger connections with others, and foster empathy and understanding. By openly sharing our feelings with trusted individuals, we can build deeper intimacy and receive the support we need during challenging times.

Learning Healthy Expression of Emotions

If you’re struggling to experience and express emotions, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone and there are ways to improve your emotional awareness and expression. Here are some guidance and techniques to stop burying emotions and begin the journey of basking in the glorious experience of feeling.

Therapy:

• Psychotherapy: This is often the most effective approach. Therapists can help you:
  1. Identify and understand your emotions: Through techniques like journaling, mindfulness, and guided imagery, you can learn to recognize and label your emotions more accurately.
  2. Explore the roots of emotional suppression: Therapists can help you understand the underlying reasons for your difficulty with emotions, such as past trauma, childhood experiences, or societal pressures.
  3. Develop healthy coping mechanisms: You can learn to manage difficult emotions in a healthy way, such as through relaxation techniques, mindfulness practices, and assertiveness training.
  4. Improve communication skills: Therapists can help you develop effective communication skills to express your emotions clearly and assertively with others.
• Specific Therapies:
  1. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): This therapy focuses on emotional regulation and distress tolerance, providing individuals with skills to manage intense emotions.
  2. Somatic Experiencing: This therapy helps individuals identify and process stored sensations, allowing them to release the emotional and physical stress associated with trauma.
  3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This therapy helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns that may contribute to emotional suppression.

Mindfulness Practices

1. Mindfulness Meditation: Regularly practicing mindfulness can increase self-awareness and help you become more attuned to your emotions in the present moment.
2. Yoga and Tai Chi: These practices can help you connect with your body and become more aware of your physical sensations, which are often linked to emotions.

See Psychology of Mindfulness for more on this topic

Journaling

• Emotional journaling: Regularly writing about your emotions can help you identify patterns, understand your triggers, and process your feelings more effectively.

See Journaling for more on this topic

Creative Expression

• Art, music, dance, or writing: Engaging in creative activities can provide a healthy outlet for expressing emotions.

See Creativity for more on this topic

Social Connection

• Build strong relationships: Connect with trusted friends, family members, or support groups where you can feel safe and supported in expressing your emotions.

See Social Support Theory for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Intellectualizing: A Defense Mechanism: This defense mechanism employs reasoning and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions or situations. Instead of dealing with the emotions directly, the individual may focus excessively on analyzing and rationalizing the situation.
• Attachment Theory: This theory, developed by John Bowlby, might explain some aspects of emotional detachment, particularly if it stems from experiences in early childhood.
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): This is a mental health condition triggered by a terrifying event, either by experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Individuals with PTSD may experience ongoing difficulties with sleep and emotion regulation, and may avoid situations that remind them of the event.
• Somatic Intelligence: This refers to a person’s ability to understand and utilize information from their own body and physical sensations. It involves being aware of bodily sensations, interpreting them, and appropriately responding to them.
• Embodied Cognition: This theory posits that cognitive processes are deeply rooted in the body’s interactions with the world. Somatic intelligence is considered a form of embodied cognition, where the body plays a significant role in shaping our thoughts and emotions.
• Alexithymia: A condition where a person has difficulty identifying and expressing emotions, which can lead to a form of emotional detachment.
• Emotional Equilibrium: This refers to a state of balance and stability in one’s emotional well-being, allowing for adaptive responses to events. Achieving this balance may involve self-care, self-regulation, cognitive reappraisal, and counterbalancing techniques. It is a lifelong practice.

​​A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Our greatest legacy as humans is the complexity of our brains. Not simply our consciousness; but also, the emotions. We intertwine these prodigious inheritances to conduct life in our dynamic and complex societies. When functioning well, utilizing all our gifts, we read emotions in the faces and vocal tones of others. We respond with grace and compassion. In these subtle connections, we find kindness, bonding with others and succeeding in life beyond careers. We shouldn’t starve the donkey; we should nourish it. By giving life to emotion, we feel the internal movements without judgement. We can then listen to their message. With a healthy relationship with our emotions, we become whole. We find joy on a higher level.

Last Update: November 23, 2025

References:

Au, Anson; Chew, Matthew (2017). How Do You Feel? Managing Emotional Reaction, Conveyance, and Detachment on Facebook and Instagram. Bulletin of Science, Technology & Society, 37(3), 127-137. DOI: 10.1177/0270467618794375
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Siegel, Daniel J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (3rd edition). The Guilford Press. ISBN: 9781462542758.
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