What Is the Tend and Befriend Theory?

The Tend and befriend theory, developed by Dr. Taylor and her colleagues at UCLA, complements, rather than replaces, the better-known “fight or flight” theory. They contend that “human female responses to stress (as well as those of some animal species) are not well characterized by fight or flight.” The female response typically can be characterized by a pattern of “tend and befriend.” They suggest that “female stress responses have selectively evolved to maximize the survival of self and offspring.”

Dr. Taylor and her colleagues explain that females respond “to stress by nurturing offspring, exhibiting behaviors that protect them from harm and reduce neuroendocrine responses that may compromise offspring health (the tending pattern), and by befriending, namely, affiliating with social groups to reduce risk” (Taylor et al., 2000).

The tend and befriend theory suggests that females have a biobehavioral response in times of stress of tending to their offspring (tending) or seeking out support from their social group (befriending). The theory argues that this response is rooted in biology — specifically, the hormonal system and oxytocin production. Basically the theory suggests that males and females have a biologically different reaction to stress.

In the well known Christmas classic It’s a Wonderful Life, James Stewart’s character George Bailey is distraught over a business misfortune that may lead to bankruptcy and corruption charges. He reacts with anger, striking out at his family and others (fight). He violently kicks and punches objects in the home, frightening the children. His wife, Mary, instinctively reaches for the children and pulls them close (Tending). George flees into the cold snowy night (flight). Once George is gone, Mary begins to call friends and family (befriend).

Masculine and Feminine Styles

Daniel Siegel points out that developmental studies have “focused on the gender differences in relationships among friends during the school years.”

He explains:

“In general, these studies find ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ styles that most boys and girls, respectively, seem to exhibit. The masculine style has been defined as a form of mutual assertion of individuals’ talents and skills. Boys’ interest in athletic prowess is one example of shared assertion. This strategy leads to a ‘fight-or-flight’ response pattern. The feminine style has been described as one of mutual empathy; girls’ interactions with each other tend to focus on shared expression and resonance with each other’s emotional experiences” (Siegel, 2020).

Importantly, we must remember that these findings point to tendencies, not inevitable differences.

Stress and the reaction to stress in order to rebalance our biological systems is largely an operation of hormones. Since male and female bodies operate differently in hormonal secretion, it makes intuitive sense that gender may play a role in stress responses. However, we should view these differences as a general categorization and not as an immovable barrier. Socialization, along with individual biological differences, also contributes to our ultimate response to stress.

Siegel elaborates on this, writing:

“Clearly, however, many girls have elements of the masculine style, and many boys have elements of the feminine style. Although generalizations of any sort must be carefully examined, it is important to try to understand the genetic, hormonal, developmental, and/or social factors within families and cultures that contribute to such observable gender differences” (Siegel, 2020).

In Dr. Taylor’s later work, she refers more to the human need for affiliation that is activated during times of stress than the earlier hypothesis that male and female responses differ (Taylor, 2006).

Exploring the Theory

Tend:

This aspect of the theory dictates that women may respond to stress by maintaining the well-being of their offspring and closest dependents, putting in effort to nurture and protect them. Protecting offspring obviously has evolutionary advantages. Parents that tend to their offspring naturally pass on the this survival character trait to future generations. Oxytocin plays a significant part in the tending instinct.

Befriend:

The befriending element postulates that women play a crucial role in forming social networks and that they utilize these systems during stressful times, seeking to form alliances and gain social support. Dr. Taylor wrote that “one of the most striking aspects of the human stress response is the tendency to affiliate—that is, to come together in groups to characterize these affiliative behaviors.”

Taylor’s animal research suggests:

“There is an affiliative neurocircuitry that prompts affiliation, especially in response to stress. This system regulates social-approach behavior and does so in much the same way as occurs for other appetitive needs. That is, just as people have basic needs such as hunger, thirst, sexual drives, and other appetites, they also need to maintain an adequate level of protective and rewarding social relationships. There is a biological signaling system that comes into play if one’s affiliations fall below an adequate level. Once signaled, the appetitive need is met through purposeful social behaviors” (Taylor, 2006, p. 273).

Befriending as a Defense Mechanism

An interesting correlation with this Dr, Taylors work, and the role of affiliation as a response to stress is the use of affiliation in defense mechanism literature. George Vaillant listed affiliation as an adaptive defense mechanism, suggesting that affiliating is an adaptive way to respond to environmental stress.

Measuring Tend and Befriend Behaviors

To assist in research, S. Turton and Carol Campbell created the Tend and Befriend Questionnaire (TBQ) using the T-sort method for analysis (Turton & Campbell, 2005).

The Contrast Between “Tend and Befriend” with “Fight or Flight”

The fight or flight response theory, coined by American psychologist Walter Cannon, describes the physiological response that occurs in face of a perceived harmful event, attack or threat. While this theory is unquestionably relevant in hypervigilant and acute stress situations, the tend and befriend theory adds to this oversimplified theory.

Taylor explains that fight-or flight provides “a good characterization of response to stress. However, from the standpoint of human beings, this analysis is incomplete” (Taylor, 2006, p. 273). The tend and befriend hypothesis does not contend that the fight-or-flight response is inaccurate, it just suggests that it is incomplete.

The Role of Oxytocin

Oxytocin plays a significant part in this gender-specific reaction to stress. Known as the “love hormone”, oxytocin promotes bonding and soothes emotions, making ‘tending and befriending’ a possibility. Additionally,sceintists hypothesize that estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin, thereby strengthening this response in women.

Oxytocin plays a crucial role in mothering behaviors. The body releases large amounts of oxytocin during childbirth and breastfeeding, promoting maternal actions and helping forge the bond between mother and child. A few significant behaviors associated with Oxytocin are:

• Bonding and Attachment: During childbirth, oxytocin triggers contractions, assisting in the birthing process. After birth, the continued release of this hormone enhances a mother’s attachment to her newborn. Oxytocin stimulates maternal behaviors such as cuddling, grooming, and feeding, which are essential for the survival and development of the offspring.
• Breastfeeding: Oxytocin plays a vital role in breastfeeding. It promotes the let-down reflex, which is the process where milk is ejected from the mammary glands. Furthermore, during breastfeeding, the body releases oxytocin, reinforcing the bond with the infant and promoting positive mothering behaviors.
• Stress Reduction and Emotional Wellbeing: Oxytocin also reduces stress and anxiety levels in mothers. It promotes relaxation and feelings of contentment, reinforcing a mother’s positive response to her baby. By doing so, oxytocin enhances mothering behaviors and emotional availability, contributing to the physical and emotional wellbeing of the mother and child.

Oxytocin and the Prairie Vole

Interesting studies with the prairie vole support these findings on oxytocin. Antonio Damasio wrote:

“Blocking oxytocin in a female prairie vole prior to mating does not interfere with sexual behavior but preempts her attachment to the sexual partner. Sex, yes; fidelity, no. Blocking vasopressin in the male prairie vole prior to mating has a comparable effect. Mating still takes place, but the usually faithful male prairie vole does not bond to the female, nor does he bother to protect his date and, eventually, their progeny” (Damasio, 2003).

Clearly, hormones play a part in our reactions, attachments, and affiliations. Neuroscience continues unearth many of these important brain functions, directing our behaviors, and ensuring our survival.

Associated Concepts

• Social Skills: These skills refer to the abilities and behaviors that enable individuals to interact effectively with others in various social situations. These skills include communication, active listening, empathy, teamwork, conflict resolution, and the ability to understand and navigate social cues.
• Social Penetration Theory: This theory suggests that as relationships develop, interpersonal communication moves from relatively shallow, non-intimate levels to deeper, more intimate ones.
• Social Capital Theory: This theory looks at the value of social networks. Accordingly, it researches the roles that trust, cooperation, and norms play in a society. It suggests that social connections can yield benefits like resources, information, and emotional support.
• Social Support Theory: This concept involves the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network.
• Social Exchange Theory: This theory is a social psychological and sociological perspective that explains social change and stability as a process of negotiated exchanges between parties. According to this theory, individuals evaluate their relationships and interactions based on the perceived rewards and costs involved.
• Convoy Theory: This theory explores the idea that individuals are surrounded by a network of close and more distant relationships that form a “convoy” of social support throughout their lives. This network includes family members, friends, colleagues, and other acquaintances who provide varying levels of support, guidance, and companionship.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

As we reach the end of our exploration of the tend and befriend theory, we are reminded of the profound impact that social connections have on our ability to cope with stress. This theory, rooted in the nurturing behaviors of tending to offspring and seeking out social support, highlights the innate human capacity for resilience through community and care. It challenges the traditional fight-or-flight paradigm, offering a nuanced understanding of human response to threat, particularly emphasizing the role of oxytocin in promoting affiliative behaviors.

As we navigate the complexities of modern life, the tend and befriend response serves as a testament to the power of unity and empathy. In fostering relationships and tending to one another, we find not only a means of survival but a path to thriving in the face of adversity. Let us carry forward the message that in togetherness, there is strength, and in caring for each other, there is healing.

Last Update: February 20, 2026

References

Damasio, Antonio (2003). Looking for Spinoza: Joy, Sorrow, and the Feeling Brain. Harvest; First Edition. ISBN: 9780156028714
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Siegel, Daniel J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press; 3rd edition. ISBN-10: 1462542751; APA Record: 2012-12726-000
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Taylor, S., Klein, L., Lewis, B., Gruenewald, T., Gurung, R., & Updegraff, J. (2000). Biobehavioral Responses to Stress in Females: Tend-and-Befriend, Not Fight-or-Flight. Psychological Review, 107(3), 411-429. DOI: 10.1037/0033-295X.107.3.411
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Taylor, S. (2006). Tend and Befriend. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 15(6), 273-277. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8721.2006.00451.x
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Turton, S., & Campbell, C. (2005). Tend and Befriend Versus Fight or Flight: Gender Differences in Behavioral Response to Stress Among University Students. Journal of Applied Biobehavioral Research, 10(4). DOI: 10.1111/j.1751-9861.2005.tb00013.x
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