The Pitfalls of Unrealistic Expectations

We often find ourselves yearning for a life free from pain and turmoil, envisioning a seamless existence where our dreams are effortlessly realized. However, the reality is starkly different; we frequently encounter unexpected challenges that disrupt this idealized vision. Our minds can become trapped in maladaptive thought patterns that cloud our ability to appreciate the beauty of life’s moments. When we cling to unrealistic expectations, they serve as barriers to fully engaging with the present. Instead of savoring experiences as they unfold, we may instead succumb to feelings of frustration and disappointment when reality fails to meet our lofty ideals.

In these moments of disillusionment, it’s not uncommon for us to recoil in despair and lament that “life shouldn’t be this way.” We grapple with the unpredictability of existence — unable to foresee which unforeseen event will derail our carefully laid plans or leave our aspirations in shambles. While uncertainty is an inherent aspect of life, we tend to overlook it when constructing our visions for happiness. By fostering unrealistic expectations about how things should be, we invite inevitable disappointments into our lives. Ultimately, by acknowledging this tendency and adjusting our outlooks accordingly, we can begin to navigate life’s complexities with greater resilience and acceptance rather than surrendering ourselves to frustration when faced with harsh realities.

Life Disrupts: We Must Adapt

Life does not conform to our wishes. The universe does not anxiously await to give. The world turns independent of our wishes. Our lives exist in dynamic complexity with trillions of other living creatures. When we cry out, “it shouldn’t be this way,” we overlook the obvious paradox—it is this way. Our “should” is an expectation.

Susan David, co-director of the Institute of Coaching at McLean Hospital of Harvard Medical School and an Instructor in Psychology at Harvard University, wrote that “expectations” are resentments waiting to happen. She explains that people with unrealistic expectations for happiness “increased their expectations for how things ‘should be,’ and thus set them up for disappointment” (David, 2016).

Handling the ebbs and flows of life is a skill—an emotional skill. 

We vary in our abilities to soothe, respond and interpret emotions. For some, emotions overwhelm—not by choice. When the slightest disruption occurs, they respond with a vicious retaliation or plunge into self-protecting depression. Others stoically march through hell and never break pace.

Preparation plays a role in skillful living but perhaps predispositions have a greater influence on emotional sensitivities. We can mediate our emotional responses prior to these events with realistic predictions. If we hold unrealistic expectations, we will be shocked and our dreams will be shattered.

See Emotional Regulation for more on this topic

Unconscious Expectations

Not all expectations are conscious plans. Many, if not most, exist beneath the surface. We encounter events and then react with feeling; cognitive processes join the party and trigger emotions. We know we are upset but we remain ignorant to which complex powers are fueling the emotion.

Even if, we logically accept that life is imperfect; the conscious acceptance and the emotionally programmed desires conflict, marching out of step with each other, creating the discomforting stirrings of cognitive dissonance. The knowledge of life’s unpredictability and a hidden desire for perfection conflict, adding to the chaos, and magnifying mental disruptions.

We experience the world singularly but modularly—by different regions of the brain, each region receiving information, spurring a response. Some modules struggle to integrate, energizing the emotional explosion. Our cognitive processes our charged with making sense of the incident by exploring surroundings, and drawing on memories. Our mind obliges and constructs a meaning, bringing the unrealistic expectation to the surface, “life shouldn’t be this way. He should act differently!”

Entitlement

Ryan Holiday, an expert on ancient philosophy, wrote that entitlement “creates ridiculous expectations” (Holiday, 2016).

Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter explain that we our taught entitlement in childhood. They explain that from childhood we are brought up to believe that “life is supposed to be fair.” We inherently believe that “our noble efforts and good works will be rewarded.” However, when these rewards fail to materialize, we feel “cheated.” Accordingly, these “dashed expectations trigger resentment” (Goldsmith & Reiter, 2015).

See Entitlement for more on this topic

Expectations and Goals

Whether a goal is explicit or implicit, when unexpected obstacles derail expectations, we are at a critical crossroad. Do we work through the problem or do we give up.  Goldsmith and Reiter describe these moments as, “unexpected emotional wallops that inspire change or knock us out of the game completely” (Goldsmith & Reiter, 2015). We adapt or quit. We’re more likely to adapt if our expectations realistically considered interference from obstacles along the bumpy path to goal achievement.

I, like many others, discovered that COVID-19 impacted my weight. Too many hours researching, and not enough exercising and my weight skyrocketed. I committed to lose the weight. My plan was simple, cut a few high-calorie snacks and drinks from my diet and start running. Eventually, I predicted, I would build up enough endurance to run five miles several days a week.

Plans fail. Losing weight in my fifties is much different than my experience of losing weight a few decades ago. My knees rebelled against the running. My diet changes stabilized my weight but failed to drop the pounds. Life is what it is. Predictions often need correcting. I failed to consider the impact of running on my knees.

The unexpected was expected—an obstacle. After a few weeks of research, I bought a stationary bike. This plan worked.

Expectations and Emotions

When expectations disappoint, our mood spirals. When biological expectations (learned from the past) are askew, they negatively impact feelings. But we rarely examine the past for unrealistic expectations, we blame the present for unfairness. We seek answers in the moment. Foundational triggers—expectations—evaluate incoming data and initiate a biological reaction. Whether you feel the emotion or not, the chemical changes in your blood motivates action and biased interpretations.

Associated Concepts

• Outcome Expectancies: These refer to the anticipated consequences (positive or negative) of engaging in a particular behavior. Depending on our outcome expectancies, they may motivate or discourage action.
• Realistic Optimism: This is a mindset that involves maintaining a positive outlook while also being grounded in reality. It acknowledges challenges and obstacles, but focuses on constructive ways to overcome them. Realistic optimists believe in their ability to create positive change and achieve their goals, while also being aware of the potential difficulties they may encounter.
• False-Hope Syndrome: This syndrome is a repetitive phenomenon of beginning self-change with high hopes and expectations of successful outcomes, based on unrealistic expectations that inevitably ends in failure.
• Overly Positive: We need caution—even with positivity; our thoughts must to be monitored for long-term effectiveness.
• Explanatory style: This refers to an individual’s habitual way of interpreting life events. It influences emotional responses and is closely tied to optimism or pessimism. Our explanatory style, dependent on context, plays a part in mental states like depression, resilience, and helplessness while also impacting physical health and relationship intimacy.
• Manipulating Reality: This involves the altering our perception of reality to align with our preconceived notions and idealized representations, sheds light on the intriguing intricacies of human cognition.
• Locus of Control: This is the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control. People with an internal locus of control may have stronger outcome expectations.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

During heightened emotion, hopefully we can stop, breath and suppress inappropriate expression, imposing the mental brakes long enough to regulate the madness, recognizing our unrealistic expectations and getting back on track with a new plan. Some people are skilled at this, others meltdown, quit, or destroy futures.

With practice, we can skillfully navigate the confusing emotions surrounding unrealistic expectations. We will never eliminate all the stubborn learnings imprinted on our souls; but we can proficiently manage the rascal expectations, refocus behaviors and achieve our goals.

Last updated: December 5, 2025

References: 

David, Susan (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. Avery; First Edition. ISBN-10: 1592409490
(Back to Article)

Goldsmith, Marshall (2015). Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts—Becoming the Person You Want to Be. Crown Business; First Edition edition. ISBN-13: 978-0804141239
(Back to Article)

Holiday, Ryan (2016). Ego is the Enemy. Portfolio; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 1591847818
(Back to Article)