Protecting is a Survival Mechanism

​All organisms respond to offensive slights and dangerous attacks, protecting from further harm—emotional or physical. Responding to emotions is normal and essential for connection. We must tenderly approach high-value relationships tenderly; careless expressions sometimes convey sharp messages that divide rather than connect.

​We should express emotions triggered by a partner but carefully, considering how they will receive the message. To do this with care we must first calm the emotions through skilled emotional regulation.

Authors David Schulz and  Stanley Rodgers wrote:

“Experiencing one’s feelings and emotions is quite different from analyzing them or worrying about them. It involves accepting those feelings and emotions for what they are without believing that they have to be expressed in order to be experienced. Such awareness can also lead to more socially appropriate ways of expressing feelings (Schulz & Rodgers, 1980, p. 44).

In relationships, we can experience our emotions. Emotions are very personal. Yet, expressing them with appropriateness is a skill. The underlying goal is not to express our emotions but to achieve intimate closeness and acceptance. This requires sharing our personal experience within the parameters that a loving partner can process.​

Communication and High Emotional Arousal

We can’t effectively communicate when one or both partners are experiencing high emotional arousal. In such situations, it can be challenging to convey thoughts and feelings in a clear and constructive manner. Both parties may struggle to truly listen and understand each other amidst heightened emotions. It’s important to recognize when emotional tension is impacting communication and take proactive steps to address it. This may involve taking a step back to cool down, practicing active listening, and finding healthier ways to express emotions. Recognizing this challenge and working on emotional regulation can greatly improve the quality of communication and understanding within a relationship.

Relationships do not need a series of pop shots where each partner tries to one up the other with a damaging blow (Murphy, 2018). This pattern of communication hurts the relationship. Sharp remarks do not end with the argument. They stay embedded in our mind, emerging during the next disagreement.

See Intent to Hurt for more on this topic

Soothing Emotions

When our emotions are running high, it’s important to have effective self-soothing strategies in place. Here are some techniques you can try:

1. Deep Breathing: Practice deep, slow breathing to calm your body’s stress response.
2. Positive Self-talk: Use gentle and reassuring words to comfort yourself and challenge negative thoughts.
3. Sensory Distraction: Engage your senses with soothing music, a calming scent, or a comforting texture.
4. Mindfulness and Meditation: Focus on the present moment and observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
5. Physical Comfort: Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket, take a warm bath, or engage in gentle stretching or yoga.
6. Self-care Activities: Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as reading, drawing, or spending time in nature.

Remember, finding the right combination of techniques may take some trial and error. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you explore what works best for you.

See Self-Soothing for more information on this topic

Building Closeness With Our Reactions

Expressions made with care and mediated with personal responsibility create closeness. When expressed in harshness, laced with accusations and blame, our rudeness strangles communication, coaxing an immature defensive protection.

Emotional expressions are the precious moments that build or destroy security.​ When during a discussion over an important issue, where partners express different opinions, we can facilitate constructive dialogue through active listening, showing empathy, expressing validation, and maintaining a calm and composed demeanor.

These behaviors create a safe environment for partners to share and discuss differences. Daniel Gottman refers to these everyday opportunities as the “sliding door moments” (Gottman, 2011). We either build trust or destroy trust by how we respond.

Damaging Defensive Reactions

​​When we are aroused, no matter how serious the triggering behavior, going straight for the jugular with a violent attack, doesn’t resolve the issue. Our swings drive a separating wedge deep into the relationship. Our attack may produce blood but never open the partner’s heart.

Isn’t being felt the goal? No matter what we believe our partner should or should not do, if our actions lead down a path that diminishes emotional validation, we need to pause and reevaluate. We can only conduct this mindful check-in after calming the emotions.

A venomous attack divides partners, inviting further defensiveness, closing the ears we wish would hear our cries. Even when we seemingly “win,” the victory is a fantasy, increasing tension, and building resentments.

Associated Concepts

• Name Calling: This refers to the use of derogatory, insulting, or offensive language directed at another person, especially during arguments or emotionally charged situations. It’s a form of verbal abuse that can have significant negative impacts on relationships and individual well-being.
• Relationship Drama: This refers to interpersonal conflicts, disagreements, or emotional turmoil within a romantic relationship or between partners. This can encompass a wide range of issues such as jealousy, insecurity, communication breakdowns, infidelity, or differing expectations, all of which can lead to heightened emotions and tension within the relationship.
• Emotional Hijacking: This concept coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman refers to an intense emotional response that is triggered suddenly and takes over a person’s thoughts and actions. It is characterized by a rapid and overwhelming emotional reaction that bypasses rational thinking and can lead to impulsive behavior or irrational decisions.
• Entangled Relationships: These are are codependent relationships where the relationship impairs rather than expands the individuals in the relationship.
• Conflict Management: This refers to the methods and processes used to facilitate the peaceful resolution of disagreements, disputes, or conflicts between individuals, groups, or organizations. It involves techniques such as negotiation, mediation, and arbitration to address the issue at hand and reach a mutually acceptable solution.
• Co-Dependent Relationships: This is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addictive or self-destructive behavior. This can manifest as an excessive reliance on the needs of others for self-esteem and identity, while neglecting one’s own needs and well-being.
• Fight or Flight Response: Emotional flooding can trigger this physiological reaction to perceived threats, leading to increased heart rate, adrenaline rush, and heightened alertness.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Slow down! Recognize the bubbling emotions; evaluate the value of the impulsive reaction; we must break this destructive chain. Breathe. Calming the emotional flooding first, reestablishing safety. After you have soothed the core aliveness of the emotional brain, remind yourself of the long-term goals, and only then appropriately share feelings in a kind, non-accusing and compassionate way.

Expressing ownership for our feeling reactions, and then calming the emotions before communicating about specific behaviors or events that triggered those emotions; with care, we can effectively open the door to our hearts, and there in our naked vulnerabilities we can compassionately respond to a lover. Only then can we be felt and accepted in the core emotions of love.