Engulfment in Relationships: A Psychological Perspective

“Let me be,” I cry as he encroaches. “Stay with me,” I beg as my she closes the door. So many suffer from relationships anxiety. Some from intense fear of abandonment; others from fear of engulfment in relationships.

We humans are strange. Hounded by conflicting inner-drives, no wonder relationships struggle; the anxiety of engulfment takes arms against the fears of abandonment. Susan fears abandonment while John struggles for space. Her clinging suffocates; while his aloofness sparks fear. This dance—pushing away and pulling close—repeatedly threatens the security of countless mismatched relationships.

Introduction: The Fear of Engulfment

David Richo explains that to fear engulfment means “to fear that if someone gets too close to us physically or emotionally, we will feel smothered or lose our freedom” (Richo, 2002).

Ideally, partners complement each other’s weakness, filling the holes and smoothing the bumps—we don’t live in that world. The vexing push-pull dynamic of maturing relationships often lies dormant at first—failing to forecast troubles to come. During the dawning moments, the giddiness of attraction conceals the mismatch of physiological needs; both partners desire closeness.

​The newness enthralls both partners, pulling them together. The magnetic beginning disguises the eventual different needs that will invade the partnership—needs springing from childhood; the cruelty of time painfully reveals mismatched hopes and provokes unplanned emotional upheavals.

When the relationship begins to settle, and commitments are established, the relationship encroaches on a new phase, the dynamics of interaction change with the deepening connection. We see through the clouds of excitement and the feelings of unmet needs leap into consciousness. we feel fears of abandonment or engulfment from commitment. Small external events spark large internal feelings. This is a critical juncture, determining the fate of intimacy. When Jack pulls and Jill pushes, they draw lines for battle, readie their defense, and soon engage in battle.

The Push-Pull Dynamic of Fear of Engulfment and Fear of Abandonment

The push-pull dynamics in personal relationships, particularly those involving fears of abandonment and engulfment, create a complex interplay between partners. Here’s a breakdown of these dynamics:

• Fear of Abandonment: This fear often arises from past experiences where a person felt left behind, neglected, or rejected. In relationships, this can manifest as a “pull” behavior, where the individual seeks closeness and reassurance from their partner to mitigate the fear of being alone or unloved.
• Fear of Engulfment: Conversely, the fear of engulfment stems from a concern about losing one’s identity, autonomy, or freedom within a relationship. It can lead to “push” behavior, where the person distances themselves from their partner to maintain their sense of self and independence.

David Richo wrote that abandonment and engulfment are the “central fears” in relationships (Richo, 2002).

A Push-Pull Cycle

In a relationship, these fears can trigger a cycle where one partner’s “push” behavior (to gain space) activates the other’s “pull” behavior (to seek closeness), and vice versa. This can result in a pattern where partners alternate between seeking intimacy and resisting it, often without realizing they are responding to these underlying fears.

The push-pull dynamic can be challenging to break, as each person’s actions may inadvertently confirm the other’s fears. For example, a partner’s withdrawal (push) can reinforce the other’s fear of abandonment, leading them to cling tighter (pull), which then intensifies the first partner’s fear of losing their independence (engulfment), and the cycle continues.

Addressing these dynamics often requires self-awareness, communication, and sometimes professional help to understand and manage the fears driving these behaviors. It’s about finding a balance where both partners feel secure in their autonomy while also feeling connected and supported in the relationship

Zero Sum Games

The couple faces a choice: amicably resolve the differences or struggle for power. Either to engage in a zero-sum games demanding a winner and loser or using a better approach that doesn’t rely on the failing win/lose dynamic. If we set selfish standards of expectations, utilizing lies, withholding, or guilt to manipulate, the relationship will topple—losing the blessings of closeness.  

​Zero-sum games utilize force, several common, but damaging, strategies are employed to achieve the single goal of self-satisfaction. The personal underlying affect directs the interactions. Personal fears and sensitivities become the fault of the partner, expecting them to soothe what we feel without examinations of our own involvement in experience.  “I feel bad; fix it.” The practice degrades the others worth, demonizing their role. This common malady to developing relationships invades, eroding previous attraction, and leaving bitterness in the wake.

See Zero Sum Games for more on this topic

Relationship Drama and Fear of Engulfment

The fundamental human need for belonging drives the fearful lover to seek connection and intimacy. They deeply desire the comfort, security, and validation that love and a close relationship can provide. This yearning for closeness is a natural and healthy human instinct. However, as soon as this individual finds themselves in a loving situation, a counteracting force emerges: the fear of engulfment. This fear is rooted in a perceived threat to their individual autonomy and sense of self, leading to a paradoxical experience where the very thing they desire becomes a source of anxiety.

This fear of being overwhelmed or losing oneself within the relationship then initiates a cycle of behaviors designed to create distance. The fearful lover might become emotionally unavailable, avoid intimacy, create conflict, or even sabotage the relationship. These actions, while seemingly counterintuitive to their initial desire for love, are defense mechanisms intended to prevent the perceived threat of engulfment from materializing. This cycle of desiring closeness only to be met with fear and subsequent distancing behaviors can be deeply damaging to relationships and cause significant emotional distress for both partners involved.

Ayala Malach Pines, a clinical, social, and organizational psychologist, explains that in the person that fears engulfment, that in the instance that a person “reciprocates their love, their anxiety about being engulfed surfaces and they run away.”

Pines explains:

“After the woman has overcome the trauma of his disappearance, and has given up on him, he can reappear in her life as enthusiastic as ever, with some feeble explanation for his disappearance. She learns very quickly that the only sure way to hold a man like this is by refusing him” (Pines, 2005, p. 120).

See Relationship Drama for more on this topic

Selfish Focusing

The selfish fixate on personal needs, blinded to the vast differences each person feels, creates a struggle.  Each partner has distinct needs—as autonomous individuals with feeling. The feeling affects of pleasant or unpleasant is neither right or wrong. The partner isn’t an appendage bond by commitment to make us feel good—no matter what.

​The non-verbalized assumption of unhindered fulfillment is colored with shades of narcissism. “Make me feel good and I praise; challenge, complain or desire something different and I erupt.” The pleasure explodes into anger at the slightest change. This imbalanced view blames any discomfort of unfulfilled needs on the inadequacy of the partner.

​The unpredictable and often unjustified emotions drive critical judgments; no cognitions involved. When guided by our subjective view of normalcy (how I feel determines right or wrong), we repeatedly label the partner’s needs, emotions and habits that conflict as wrong.

Causes of Fears of Relationship Engulfment

A variety of factors can cause anxiety for engulfment in relationships. Past experiences often give a clue to present relationship fears, including fear of engulfment. Here are some common causes:

• Fear of Losing Independence: Concerns about being controlled or dominated, leading to a loss of self-identity.
• Past Trauma: Previous experiences of being overwhelmed by someone else’s needs or emotions.
• Enmeshed Family Dynamics: Growing up in a family where boundaries were blurred and individuality was not well-respected.
• Social Phobia or Anxiety Disorders: General tendencies towards anxiety can manifest as a fear of intimacy.
• Adverse Childhood Experiences: Such as abuse or neglect, which can lead to difficulties in forming close relationships as an adult.

Understanding these causes is the first step towards addressing and overcoming the fear of engulfment. Therapy and self-awareness work can help individuals establish healthy boundaries and develop more secure relationship patterns

Relationship Fears and Child Development

Children are self-focused—a stage of maturing that continues through adolescence into adulthood. As we develop, the healthy person begins to expand beyond the self-focused immaturity of youth. Like driving a car that pulls to the right, until we fix the alignment, we must fight inclinations to keep the relationship on track. Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus explain that during “the entire separation-individuation period, the developing child begins to sketch out boundaries between self and others, a task complicated by two central conflicts—the desire for autonomy versus closeness and dependency needs, and fear of engulfment versus fear of abandonment” (Kreisman & Straus, 2021). This requires sacrifice, compromises, as well as self-protecting boundaries.

​Unpleasant feelings may demand counterproductive responses, if heeded, leading to unnecessary attacks on a partner. We must keep our hand on the wheel, steering the relationship back to center, and not give in to emotional pulls that destroy intimacy.

Angry and upset, with a pounding heart and flush face, we mismanage communications, refocus on to protect ourselves and instinctively return to manipulations, devising coercive plans to force our partner to succor our cravings for attention or solitude; these forced successes come at a high cost. Partners may reward our rotten behavior but harbor resentment, accumulating reasons that eventually create an emotional disconnection and relieving escape.

​When a person feels manipulated to sacrifice personal desires, constantly giving and rarely receiving, the deprived needs exact a heavy toll, both on the person and the connection.

Fears of Abandonment and Emotional Neglect

When partners continually neglect our needs, it confuses our biological motivational system. Consequently, the self becomes blurred, and psychological oddities intrude on normalcy. The sharp blade of emotional neglect punctures the soul, deeply wounding the lonely, even the most stable suffer in one-sided relationships. Loneliness prevails when we fail to enjoy the expected security from attachment. Neglectful relationships zap vitality, leaving an empty shell where a whole person once lived.

Overcoming the Fear of Engulfment

Overcoming the fear of engulfment in close relationships involves several steps that can help you regain control and establish healthier boundaries. Here’s a guide based on the information I found:

• Identify Triggers: Recognize situations or behaviors that trigger your fear of engulfment. This awareness is the first step in addressing the issue.
• Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you notice fear arising, challenge the negative thoughts and replace them with more balanced ones.
• Practice Boundary-Setting: Learn to set and communicate your boundaries clearly with others. This helps maintain your sense of self while being close to someone.
• Counter-Dependency: This trait is characterized by a intense fear of commitment that motivates overt behaviors to avoid emotional dependence on others. This behavior often manifests as a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from perceived threats of vulnerability and emotional exposure.
• Seek Therapy or Counseling: A therapist can help you explore the root causes of your fear and develop strategies to overcome it.
• Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build a network of friends and family who respect your need for independence and support your growth.
• Self-Care Strategies: Engage in daily affirmations, regular exercise, mindfulness practices, and goal-setting to maintain progress and build self-compassion.

Remember, overcoming fear of engulfment is a process that takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and consider seeking professional help if needed.

Associated Concepts

• Unhealthy Relationship Patterns: These refer to the recurring ways in which individuals interact with each other. These patterns can encompass a wide range of behaviors, including communication styles, emotional responses, and conflict resolution approaches.
• Emotional Intimacy: This refers to the close emotional connection between individuals, characterized by trust, vulnerability, and the ability to openly share thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
• Gottman Method Couples Therapy: This style of couples therapy, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, aims to strengthen relationships through practical interventions and exercises. Grounded in extensive research, it focuses on communication, intimacy, conflict resolution, and shared meaning.
• Entangled Relationships: These are codependent relationships where the relationship impairs rather than expands the individuals in the relationship.
• Love-Hate Relationships: This describes a complex emotional bond between two individuals or entities, characterized by both intense feelings of love and deep frustrations or animosity. In such relationships, the individuals may experience conflicting emotions, oscillating between affection and resentment.
• Autonomy in Relationships: This refers to the ability and freedom for each individual to make their own decisions, express their own opinions, and pursue their own interests within the context of the relationship. It involves respecting each other’s independence, boundaries, and personal space while still maintaining a strong and supportive connection.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Departing from established patterns is terrifying. Manipulation creates a mirage of control with ill attempts to extinguishing fear. Healing requires both partners to courageously challenge the patterned interactions that—fears of abandonment or engulfment. Only through attending to the protective feelings, pushing behaviors that limit closeness by sparking fears, can we reclaim our right and joy to a healthy attachment.

We may never completely free ourselves from the feelings relationships extract—learned reactions run deep. But with awareness, mindful intervention and counseling, we soften the painful emotions by widening our conceptual understanding.

​The emotions become reminders of humanity rather than unhealthy drives to control. However, the discomfort bubbling inside provides opportunities to practice constructive responses by employing self-soothing exercises, engaging in transparent discussions that share feelings and perspectives. Importantly, we can maturely widen our view beyond the paltry and petty reactions of the brain, reaching beyond our felt experience and open our heart to our lover, where we can know them and they can know us.