The Impact of Fear of Abandonment on Attachment

Relationships are at the core of our human experience. From the moment we enter this world, we are wired to seek connection and forge bonds with others. This innate drive for companionship becomes particularly pronounced during childhood when our early interactions shape not only how we view ourselves but also how we perceive and engage in future relationships. Healthy attachments formed during these formative years provide a foundation for security and trust, allowing us to navigate life’s challenges with a sense of belonging. However, when those connections are marred by chaos or inconsistency—often stemming from tumultuous family dynamics—the repercussions can be profound. Children raised in such environments may carry forward emotional scars that impede their ability to form healthy attachments as adults.

As individuals grow, they often grapple with the lingering effects of their early experiences, which manifest in various ways throughout their lives. The fear of abandonment is one particularly powerful emotion that can dictate relationship choices and behaviors long into adulthood. Those who have faced unstable caregiving may find themselves oscillating between seeking closeness and pushing loved ones away out of fear of loss or rejection. This internal tug-of-war creates a complex dance within relationships where vulnerability feels risky yet deeply desired. Understanding these patterns is essential—not just for personal growth but also for cultivating meaningful connections that foster healing and intimacy over time.

Origins of Fears of Abandonment

Many ignorantly advise, “Don’t be insecure, it ruins relationships.” By addressing symptoms rather than underlying causes, we further alienate the sufferer, demanding they change internal mechanisms imprinted during childhood. The conditioned reactions appropriately created a protective reaction to defend against their childhood abnormal conditions, establishing emotional patterns that continue in adulthood.

​The young child tempers disappointments by predicting emotional states of his caregiver. When dad fumbles with his keys at the door and stumbles into the foyer, the child knows to watch out.  Accurate predictions create security. Many childhood relationships must contend with emotionally chaotic care-givers. A parent may show overflowing love one moment and heart-stopping rejection the next. The parents disjointed relationship style, full of alienation and enmeshment, is passed on to the child (biologically and experientially).

​See Entangled Relationships for more on this topic

Attachment Theory

John Bowlby’s theory of attachment provides insights into the painful phenomenon of fear of abandonment. He explained in the second volume of his seminal work on attachment that if a parent threatens a child with abandonment if the child doesn’t behave, or suggests that they will withhold love for misbehavior, that the interactions creates a genesis of anxiety in the child (Bowlby, 1976).

Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and executive director of the Mindsight Institute, explains that “fears of annihilation and abandonment are the origins of the desperate withdrawal and anxious approach common in ambivalently attached individuals.” The excessive parasympathetic reactions to possible relationships ruptures, he explains is an “adaptation to inconsistent and intrusive parenting.” These fears lead to vulnerable and dysregulated emotions in attachment (Siegel, 2020).

In Daniel Goleman’s book Social Intelligence he explains that we have a hardwired system that is “alert to the threat of abandonment, separation, or rejection” (Goleman, 2007, p. 114). Childhood exposures can magnify or extinguish biological predispositions. A parental pattern of attachment may monopolize and manipulate the biological hardwiring in the child to achieve the parent’s relationship goals.

Symbiotic Bonds

A particular style of relationship that commonly leads to fears of abandonment is the symbiotic bonds. Joseph Richman describes symbiotic relationships in his book Family Therapy for Suicidal People (Richman, 1986) as unhealthy bonds with a parent, where any outside attachment for the child threatens the parent and is resisted. Richman suggests this creates a symbiotic anxiety—a fear of losing a relationship where two people are enmeshed psychologically, rather than two autonomous beings in a relationship (Ledgerwood, 2004).

Eva Kahn in a 1986 article on Habitual Failure captures these child-parent dynamics succinctly, “The immature, dependent child,​​ making repeated unsuccessful attempts to satisfy unrealistic or pathological parental demands fears that its inadequacies will result in abandonment by the parents. Repeated cycles of attempted compliance and failure are internalized and become a life pattern” (Kahn, 1986, p. 50).

We wrongly treat insecurity as a choice that sufferers can flip on and off like a switch. We can’t force security; it must be learned through a safe environment. Security is not a matter of self-discipline, where the strong-willed can force a feeling that isn’t there. We can, however, work on building stability and creating trust through a more predictable life. Overtime, acknowledging the fears and mindfully challenging unreasonable clinging, we can give fragile birth to a new security. Relationships do not need to be painful forever.

​What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is a profound emotional response often characterized by anxiety, stemming from the echoes of past experiences with unreliable caregivers and partners. This anxiety is not merely a fleeting feeling; it manifests as an ongoing state of hyper-vigilance where individuals constantly scan their environment for signs of potential neglect or rejection. Such heightened awareness can be exhausting and overwhelming, leading those affected to develop various protective strategies aimed at safeguarding themselves against the perceived threat of abandonment. These reactions can manifest in different ways, such as avoiding closeness altogether or exhibiting intense clinginess toward loved ones—both ultimately serving to shield the individual from potential hurt while simultaneously complicating their relationships.

Another significant aspect of this fear involves self-suppression, where individuals may feel compelled to hide their true emotions and needs to avoid conflict or disapproval. As noted by Lawrence Heller and Aline LaPierre (2012), many adopt “a superficial niceness” that masks deeper feelings of insecurity and vulnerability.

Similarly, Dr. Gabor Maté (2008) highlights how some people are driven to repress any emotion that could potentially evoke rejection from others. This constant facade not only hinders genuine connection but also perpetuates feelings of isolation and fear within relationships. Ultimately, understanding these behaviors is crucial for addressing fears related to abandonment and fostering healthier interpersonal dynamics that allow for authentic expression without the looming shadow of anxiety about being left behind.

What Does Fear of Abandonment Look Like?

​Those with insecure attachments vigilantly seek signs of impending abandonment and try to intervene before the loss; they valiantly stand guard reacting to any indication of abandonment.

The protective reactions to abandonment fears are expressed in a variety of unhealthy ways:

• Quick and strong attachments without sufficient time to develop the relationship. See Love at First Sight for more on this topic
• Hesitant or resistant to commitment. See Commitment Issues for more on this topic 
• Superficial relationships to avoid difficult attachments. See Disposable Relationships for more on this topic
•  A driving desire to please. See The Need to Please for more on this topic
• Loss of autonomy, engaging in unwanted sex, disavowing personal needs and wants. See Autonomy in Romantic Relationships for more on this topic 
• Remaining in unhealthy relationships.
• Difficulty experiencing emotional intimacy. See Emotional Intimacy for more on this topic
• Feeling unworthy of love.
• Afraid of Vulnerability​. See Intimacy and Vulnerability for more on this topic
• Debilitating jealousy.
• Intense separation anxiety. See Fear of Being Alone for more on this topic
• General anxiety and depression.
• Over-analyzing events, attributing catastrophic meaning to unimportant behaviors. See Catastrophizing for more on this topic
• Hypersensitive to criticism.
• Heightened experiences of shame. See Feeling Shame for more on this topic

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*List items adapted from list published on verywellmind website (Fristcher, 2020).

Fears of Abandonment Interfere with Adult Connection

Children with chaotic backgrounds survive by adapting to their environment. Biologically, the brain trims and creates connection appropriate for the environment. The child’s environment forms her brain, creating the foundation for felt experience in all future relationships. The child’s brain, awash in chemicals, motivates protective sensitivity to the emotions and behaviors of a volatile caregiver. The child lives with the complex demands of being attached to the caregiver for survival while simultaneously fearful of another damaging blow. The conflict complicates attachments with scanty predictable guidelines.

A child in a volatile environment must constantly watch for changes in demeanor—faulty assessments may be costly. For these children, hyper-situational awareness is a natural adaptation. Yet as an adult, this vigilance interferes with healthy trust. The constant vigilance frustrates a loving partner. The onslaught of accusations undermines his needs for appreciation. Partnerships develop with trust—a character trait often undeveloped in volatile homes. Instead of inner strength, these adults now need constant reassurance.

Even when paired with healthy partners, the intense fears of abandonment, continued accusations and jealousies interrupt developing new attachments, creating drama instead of quiet moments of bonding. A partner’s voiced commitment not to abandon is constantly scrutinized for sincerity. The barrage challenging sincerity eventually damages communication; the partner doubts their own sincerity, accepts the tainted views and contributes to the fears.

​Fears of abandonment often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Partner Selection and Fears of Abandonment

Patterns imprinted on young minds outwardly express themselves in adulthood. Our learned attachment style attracts or repels potential partners. The more salient the associated behaviors, the more limiting partner selection becomes.

There is ample and compelling evidence that suggests that mates are selected for their ability “to confirm attachment-related expectations, even if the expectations are negative” (Hazen & Shaver, 2004). Those most fearful of abandonment often pair with those most likely to abandon.

Cruel partners may play on these fears. Ghosting or withdrawing when their emotions are taxed or as a manipulative tool that plays on abandonment fears. Ghosting is a common tactic used by people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. People with this disorder often are self-centered and lack empathy. These personality traits lead to behaviors that capitalize on a partners or lovers weaknesses and fears, such as ghosting.

Some insecurity, cloaked in secrecy, remain hidden until bonds of connection begin to form. While other fears scream loudly, evident to pursuers during the early stages of connection. The twelve missed phone calls while you were in the shower is a hint that a partner suffers from underlying relationship fears. The subtle cues and desperate clinging invite givers and abusers into the shaky relationship bonds prevalent with fear of abandonment.

Givers Attracted to Insecure Partners

Givers are often drawn to needy partners, finding initial joy and fulfillment in their roles as caregivers. In the early stages of a relationship, this dynamic can feel invigorating; givers derive a sense of purpose from their efforts to support and heal someone they perceive as struggling with emotional pain. Their nurturing instincts drive them to invest time, energy, and love into meeting the needs of their partner, believing that through their selflessness, they can help alleviate the other person’s suffering. This altruistic motivation fosters an illusion of harmony where both parties seem engaged in a mutually beneficial exchange—one receiving care while the other feels validated by their ability to provide.

However, as time passes and deeper relational complexities emerge, this seemingly symbiotic arrangement can devolve into imbalance. The giver soon realizes that despite their best intentions and tireless efforts, they cannot single-handedly fill the emotional void felt by their partner; it’s akin to pouring water into a bottomless well. The incessant demands for reassurance or validation begin to drain the giver’s reserves—emotionally and physically—and lead to feelings of frustration or resentment. With both partners trapped in this cycle of unmet needs and dissatisfaction, neither is able to experience true intimacy or security within the relationship.

Ultimately, rather than fostering growth and healing for both individuals involved, this dynamic breeds feelings of victimhood on either side: one feeling perpetually inadequate while the other remains ensnared in perpetual neediness. In such scenarios, it becomes clear that without addressing these underlying attachment issues together—where mutual support replaces dependency—the relationship risks unraveling altogether.

Abusers Attracted to Insecure Partners

Another common relationship for the insecure is with the abuser. The insecure stumble into harmful relationships more often than the secure. Sometimes stupid luck or more likely the design of a manipulative other seeking someone to exploit. The manipulator feasts on the insecurities, skillfully using them, escalating the trauma by extracting life out of the present. The manipulators are sick too; but the smugness of their brutality seldom solicits compassion.

The manipulators’ hurtful behaviors evolve from their brutal or neglected pasts. A young child doesn’t simply chose isolation and meanness. But for a host of biological and social reasons, the child becomes a tyrant willing to hurt. The painful collision between the insecure and the narcissist happens often; the insecure finds momentary salvation in the brazen confidence and quickly commits to the tortuous future. Domestic violence occasionally accompanies these volatile relationships.

Fear of Abandonment and Abuse

The adaptive responses for both partners is a lethal cocktail for violence. Normal disengagement during emotionally heated conflict is abhorred, spiking fears. John M. Gottman, a William Mifflin Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle and world-renowned expert for his work on marital stability taught that, “Physically violent couples had no ritual for withdrawing from conflict when one of them was flooded.” Gottman continues describing the emotional difficulty for these couples to disengage, “Often the break seemed like abandonment to one or both of them, so they stayed with each other, interminably arguing while flooded, a context that is a high risk for violence” (Gottman, 2011).

Those most in need of stability stumble into the most volatile relationships. Their need to continue with childhood programming is solidified in adulthood by choosing partners that reflect inner trauma. The adaptive behavior makes sense in these relationships, providing measured rewards of safety while living in danger. Trust serves no purpose here. fears of abandonment and danger are appropriate.

The Fear of Abandonment and New Relationships

New relationships can create an intoxicating illusion, enveloping partners in a whirlwind of powerful emotions that often serve to temporarily mask deeper childhood fears and insecurities. In these blissful early days, the typical anxieties surrounding attachment may fade into the background as individuals revel in the joy of newfound love. The initial euphoria feels like a sanctuary from past traumas, offering what seems like a perfect escape—a momentary paradise where affection overshadows vulnerability. However, this sense of security is precarious at best; underlying patterns forged during formative years remain dormant yet ever-present, lying in wait for moments when emotional exposure makes one susceptible to their resurgence.

As time progresses and the intensity of romance begins to stabilize, old fears unexpectedly re-emerge with alarming force. When anxiety resurfaces, it threatens to extinguish the flame of connection that once felt so safe and comforting. Partners may become hyper-aware of perceived threats to their relationship—whether real or imagined—and react with irrational behaviors born from fear rather than genuine affection. This scenario illustrates a critical truth: fear and love are not conducive companions on the journey toward lasting intimacy (Murphy, 2012).

While love fosters kindness and understanding between partners, fear tends to breed manipulation and control as individuals attempt to safeguard themselves against potential loss. Thus, while closeness has the power to enhance beauty within relationships, it can also unleash long-buried demons from past experiences—demons that must be acknowledged and confronted if true healing is ever to occur within partnership dynamics.

Associated Topics

• Attachment Theory: This is a psychological framework that helps explain how human beings form emotional bonds and connections with others, particularly in early childhood. It was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth and others.
• Fear of Engulfment: This fear is an intense experience that easily feels overwhelmed or suffocated by the other’s excessive attention, control, or dependency.
• Belongingness: This refers to our underlying driving need to belong and be accepted.
• Fear of Being Alone: This fear creates a driving desire to always be in a relationship that some people experience. This drive becomes maladaptive when not coupled with other positive relationship skills and healthy choices in partners.
• Primal Panic: Abandonment is such a strong need that for some any indication or sign of possible abandonment ignites an intense reaction, similar to the panic experiences in reaction to a threat to their survival.
• Separation-Individuation Theory: This theory, proposed by Margaret Mahler, describes the process through which a child develops a sense of individual identity and separates from their primary caregivers. According to the theory, children go through different stages of development, gradually becoming more autonomous and independent while establishing a separate sense of self from their caregivers.
• Codependency: This describes imbalanced relationships in which one person enables another’s unhealthy behavior, sacrificing their own well-being. It often involves low self-esteem, excessive caretaking, and difficulty setting boundaries.
• Commitment Issues: Many struggle with commitment issues, stemming from childhood wounds and fear of vulnerability. Commitment is crucial for healthy relationships, involving sacrifices and open communication.

​​A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

There is hope. Even in these relationships, partners can build trust. However, they may need outside professional help; but with patience and love, two dedicated partners can work through the demons and experience the joys of intimacy.

Even with chaotic beginnings, intimacy is possible. Understanding our propensity for fear—making the unconscious conscious—loosens the grip of these emotions.  With recognition of the bubbling emotions, we can confront them. Feelings of inse curity often persist for years; perhaps a lifetime. But by recognizing the fear, compassionately holding it, we free ourselves from unconscious influences; by sharing these fears with openness, we can enlist a giving partner’s help in managing them. 

By facing our fear, no longer manipulating a partner’s succor, but gently summoning help, together with a loving partner, we can sooth the resurfacing intense emotions associated with fear of abandonment. As we do so, we build the foundation of trust necessary to enjoy intimacy and feel security (at last).

Last Update: January 8, 2026

​References:

​Bowlby, John (1973) Attachment and Loss: Vol. 2 Separation Anxiety and Anger. Basic Books; 1 edition. ISBN: 9780712666213
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Fristcher, L. (2020). Understanding Fear of Abandonment. Very Well Mind. Published 6-15-2020. Retrieved 2-20-2021. Website: https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-abandonment-2671741
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Goleman, Daniel (2007). Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships. Bantam; NO-VALUE edition. ISBN-10: 055338449X; APA Record: 2006-13172-000
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Gottman, John M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company; Illustrated edition. ISBN-10: 0393707407; APA Record: 2011-06848-000
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Hazen, Cindy; Phillip R. Shaver (2004). Attachment as an Organizational Framework Research on Close Relationships. Harry T. Reis and Caryl E. Rusbult (eds.), in Close Relationships: Key Readings (Key Readings in Social Psychology) 1st Edition. Psychology Press; 1st edition. DOI: 10.4324/9780203311851
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Heller, Lawrence; LaPierre, Aline (2012). Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. North Atlantic Books; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 1583944893
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Kahn, E. (2004). Habitual failure: A childhood adaptation to the threat of abandonment. Clinical Social Work Journal, 17(1), 50-63. DOI: 10.1007/BF00755132
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​Ledgerwood, D. (2004). Suicide and Attachment: Fear of Abandonment and Isolation from a Developmental Perspective. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 29(1), 65-73. DOI: 10.1023/A:1022909326217
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Maté, Gabor (2008). When the Body Says No. ‎Trade Paper Press; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 0470349476
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Murphy, T. Franklin (2012). Love and Fear: Exploring the Complexities of Intimacy. Psychology Fanatic. Published: 3-1-2012; Accessed: 5-4-2025. Website: https://psychologyfanatic.com/love-and-fear/
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Richman, Joseph (1986). Family Therapy for Suicidal People. Springer Pub Co. ISBN: 9780826150103
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Siegel, Daniel J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press; 3rd edition. ISBN-10: 1462542751; APA Record: 2012-12726-000
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