Conflicting Desires

We are complicated creatures with conflicting motivations. Often one desire rivals with other wants, fighting internally for dominance; we can’t have everything. Chasing one urge often requires abandoning other conflicting desires. These complicated trade-offs continually impinge on simplicity. A commitment to a lover also includes abandoning some benefits of singlehood. Many believe they can cheat, engage in conflicting wants, and get it all, but juggling the unjuggleable eventually leads to feelings getting hurt, and futures destroyed.

​Trade-offs, whether recognized or not, are part of most decisions.

We either blindly follow the strongest impulse or carefully weigh the costs and benefits; and then move in one direction or the other—a choice is made. After the choice, the conditions, consequences and new feelings follow. We adapt. The new path becomes our baseline—our new normal.

See Opposing Demands for more on this topic

Loneliness Motivates Togetherness

In a relationship, the pangs of loneliness dissipate, no longer a salient motivator and we easily overlook the security and warmth. Loneliness doesn’t carry the same motivating oomph when in a relationship, at least not at first. We must draw energy from the fading memories of past feelings. We may promptly lose sight of the previous debilitating feelings of being alone and begin to hearken to new calls pushing for novelty. The lost benefits of being free loom large when we no longer suffer from the maddening hours alone. Our underlying balance shifts, adjusting motivations for action.

The ex-lover haunts. We promise to never stray again, reengaging in compromise, and begging for forgiveness for any improprieties. But once forgiven, taken back, the same conditions of the past return. The fear of abandonment temporarily satisfied dims and the driving demons of the past return—the sofa, the beer, the affairs. The circumstances changed the desires, appearing as legitimate change; but the same beastly reality returns when life resumes. But next time, we promise, they will really change.

Freedom is most salient when people are in bondage. But when freedom reigns, as the years pass, the courageous fight to protect rights begin to wane, and slowly they give up privileges paid for by the blood of their forefathers.

​Balancing Autonomy and Connection

Although motivations shift with conditions, we can remain resolute in new paths by remembering the trade-offs and the sorrows. Cognitively evaluating what is gained and what is lost. Autonomy is delicately balanced with connection.

We all want security and freedom, but not with the same balance; some need more freedom while others need more security. One partner may adapt to love and push for greater freedom while the other partner’s security needs demand more nurturing. The first partner’s push for more aloneness triggers greater drive in the other for togetherness. This battle is won through compromise, understanding and respect, not by one partner overpowering and negating the will of the other. Neither fear of engulfment or abandonment should be the driving force. Partners must find balance, setting standards, and working together to find a path that can work for both people in the relationship. When fears of being alone are strong, compromise is difficult.

Fear is a powerful motivator. When the soul convulses with fear, the person defensively clings, sacrificing trust in a losing battle for security. When fear shrouds the attempt to attach, the relationship teeters on a dramatic edge, small behaviors intensifying anxiety, and increase attempts to manipulate. The fear sparks defenses to claw and scratch rather than comforting trust and warmth.

Development of A Fear of Being Alone

The fear of connection is an emotional learned response. Biological givens intertwine with childhood experience and traumatic encounters, interfering with normal brain development. The hapless child develops a schema that the world is not safe.

​In a cruel cycle, the fear of being alone prevents openness the very action secure connections demand. The give and take of intimacy is not understood or artfully applied; where healthy boundaries are void, selfish partners exploit. The motivating force shifts from the natural bonds of intimacy to simply avoiding physical aloneness—at all costs. An intense fear of being alone motivates unhealthy relationships. To maintain personal boundaries, one must be willingly to leave partners who flauntingly infringe.  An inner-confidence that we can survive without a partner is paramount, settling the fears and allowing for occasional aloneness.

Powerful insecurities take over; the fear of being alone exceeds self-respect, and we sacrifice welfare, lose the self, suffer abuse, and eventually drown in depression. Neither being single nor being in a relationship can be enjoyed when the need for a partner trumps the need for intimacy.

Causes Creating a Fear of Being Alone

Some people may feel a strong need to be in a relationship due to various psychological and social factors. Here are a few reasons:

• Fear of Abandonment: For some, being single can trigger feelings of loneliness or fears of abandonment.
• Self-Esteem: Individuals may tie their self-worth to being in a relationship, feeling validated by their partner’s affection.
• Social Pressure: Cultural or societal norms may lead people to believe that being in a relationship is a measure of success or happiness.
• Comfort and Security: Relationships can provide emotional support, comfort, and a sense of security.
• Habit: If someone has spent little time being single, they might be accustomed to being in a relationship and find it challenging to adapt to single life.

It’s important to note that while relationships can bring joy and companionship, it’s also healthy to be comfortable with oneself when single. Personal growth and self-sufficiency are important aspects of overall well-being. If someone struggles with being single, they might benefit from exploring these feelings with a therapist or counselor.

Associated Dangers with the Fear to Be Alone

Relationships are an essential part of being human. They contribute to happiness and wellness in a variety of ways. However, these benefits only apply when we have healthy relationships. The wrong relationships can create chaos, disrupting peace and debilitating us with excessive and toxic stress. Driven by the insatiable need to be in a relationship people get in the first available relationship without carefully examining whether or not it would be a good fit for fulfilling their needs.

Cynthia Lynn Wall, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) who works in private practice counseling individuals and couples, explains:

“A clear sense of yes or no about continuing the relationship is hidden by the fog of ‘maybe.’ If you don’t make a decision as time moves on, you no longer trust your own feelings and stop asking for what you really want. You move between vague dissatisfaction and hoping things would be good again. Self-loathing and self-doubt replace the self-love and enthusiasm that marked the beginning of the relationship. As adults, we think we should be beyond the irrational need of having someone to be with. Challenging the fear of being alone takes willingness to trust in other people during the first phase of separation” (Wall, 2005).

Associated Concepts

• Relationship Drama: This refers to explosive relationships. Some codependent relationships have this explosiveness.
• Separation-Individuation Theory: This theory, proposed by Margaret Mahler, describes the process through which a child develops a sense of individual identity and separates from their primary caregivers. According to the theory, children go through different stages of development, gradually becoming more autonomous and independent while establishing a separate sense of self from their caregivers.
• Entangled Relationships: This concept refers to the entangled snare of codependent relationships and how they prevent both partners from growing.
• Vulnerability: Allowing oneself to be vulnerable and open with another person is fundamental to creating emotional intimacy.
• Counter-Dependency: This trait is characterized by a intense fear of commitment that motivates overt behaviors to avoid emotional dependence on others. This behavior often manifests as a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from perceived threats of vulnerability and emotional exposure.
• Emotional Intimacy: This refers to the close emotional connection between individuals, characterized by trust, vulnerability, and the ability to openly share thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. It involves deep understanding and empathy, creating a sense of security and closeness in relationships.
• Codependency: This describes imbalanced relationships in which one person enables another’s unhealthy behavior, sacrificing their own well-being. It often involves low self-esteem, excessive caretaking, and difficulty setting boundaries.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Fear and love are not friendly traveling companions. Out of fear manipulation thrives, welcoming damaging connections; when we should flee. Relationships have power to enhance our beauty or expose our more shadowy side. Without mindful awareness, behaviors easily shift from love to sinister manipulations. No relationship is completely free of fear. Relationships grow from significant investments of time and energy; to lose one is costly to emotions and well-being. We feel both emotions in important relationships.

​Our work is to refine love, recognize fear and courageously set and enforce personal boundaries. Refining love and managing fear protects the devastation of a long hurtful relationships (because we flee instead of cling), strengthens our healthy connections, and builds life-giving self-confidence.

Last Update: October 30, 2025