Painfully Close a Door: Embracing Change and Moving Forward

Life meanders through the flat planes of existence in unpredictable ways; sometimes desires are thwarted, other times unexpected opportunities arrive. I occasionally hear the almost patronizing retort to disappointment, “It’ll all work out in the end.” When I hear this, it feels like being chastised for sorrow over legitimate troubles. “In the end” is a product of behaviors in the present. How things workout is highly dependent on how we respond now. Sometimes we work, mend, and rebuild; other times, we painfully close a door and move on.

Often difficulties straighten out on their own; life tends to be survivable. Life has wandered on this planet for millions of years, no matter what their disappointments. But sometimes problems are significant in the present, right now, where we experience them. Maybe a decade or generation down the road my pain may be meaningless, and from a wider perspective it just didn’t matter. But it matters now, to me.

Many obstacles straighten out simply because we purposely work through them. However, sometimes we should abandon the problem and move on. Not all problems can be solved or abandoned, the serious kind, those problems linger.

​The “working out part” may be more of a collapse, challenging every fiber of our being. I can’t proclaim that a drug addicted child suffering a violent death is what I would define as a problem “working out.” Bad things happen, defying meaning and explanation and we must learn how to cope and move forward.

Key Definition:

Closing the Door on the Past is a metaphor for moving on from past experiences, particularly those that are painful, traumatic, or limiting. It signifies a conscious decision to let go of the emotional and psychological hold that these past events have on the present.

Moving On From the Past

Closing a door signifies moving on and not looking back. Many chapters in our lives have sailed their course and must be ended. Letting go, whether it is a relationship, habit, or career is excruciatingly difficult. Our tendency is to soften the escape by leaving the door partially open. Holding on to the past, however, typically prevents full recovery. Leaving a door open often is a dangerous game. While there are many bridges we shouldn’t burn, there are also many we should torch and let fall to the deep gorge below, destroying all avenues of return.

Moving on from the past is a broad topic. Closing doors in many circumstances must be done with the utmost caution. “Closing the door” is a gradual and ongoing process. It may involve therapy, mindfulness practices, and other techniques for emotional processing. It doesn’t mean completely erasing the past, but rather refusing to return to it, moving in a new direction that no longer hinders present well-being.

• Acknowledging and Processing: “Closing the door” doesn’t mean denying or forgetting the past. It involves acknowledging past experiences, processing the emotions associated with them (such as grief, anger, or resentment), and learning from them.
• Breaking Free from the Past: It involves recognizing that dwelling on the past can hinder present happiness and prevent future growth. By “closing the door,” we free ourselves from the emotional baggage of the past, allowing us to live more fully in the present moment.
• Shifting Focus to the Future: “Closing the door” allows us to redirect our energy towards the future, focusing on our goals, aspirations, and the positive aspects of our lives.

Some Problems Can’t Be Solved

Effort, courage, and grit may push us over the stubborn crest to achievement, solving the unsolvable. These noble qualities of actions are often in short supply; however, sometimes, we must utilize a different approach, moving forward sometimes includes taking a few steps back, painfully closing one door so we can try something different.

Shutting doors is not simple. Downright frightening. New doors of opportunity are often obscured; only to appear once we willingly move away from the past, and fumble around in the dark. And then Bam! It hits us, there it is, the golden opportunity.

Relationships and Painfully Closing Doors

After posting an original version of this article, I received some harsh criticism from one of the readers. While not directly identifying that this article is about relationships, the underlying tone is focused on bad relationships, and sometimes the choice to leave. The reader felt it highly unproductive to even suggest leaving a relationship was the place of an internet author.

In many ways this reader was correct. Individually, I shouldn’t encourage anyone to leave a spouse or long time partner. And I never would. It is beyond my position, knowledge or contextual understanding of any individual relationship. However, suggesting, in general, sometimes leaving is a legitimate choice. At times, it may be the best choice. This advisement is within my realm of influence on a psychological information website.

The reasons to leave vary, and the benefits and costs fluctuate with circumstances. Abuse (emotional or physical) being one of the largest factors weighing in on considerations to leave. But sometimes, leaving is necessary to maintain sanity or just to find some simple enjoyments with life. These choices are excruciatingly difficult and must be made with utmost caution, often involving insight from outside professional sources.

Dangers of Abandoning Ship Too Quickly

Abandoning ship too quickly leads to sorrows, creating lingering second guessing of a new direction, and dreaming whether or not moving on was the right choice. “What if I stayed,” we ask. Unfortunately, those questions can never be answered once the door is shut.

Nathaniel Branden warns about priorities and a tendency to abandon constructive work. He wrote, “If one of our top priorities is to avoid discomfort, if we make this a higher value than our self regard, then under pressure we will abandon the…practices precisely when we need them most” (Branden, 1995). The choice between to persist or to abandon is always critical and always difficult.

See Persistence for more on this topic

Associated Concepts

• Sameness: This refers to maintaining current circumstances, along with all the limitations, in place in our lives. It is a type of stagnation, enjoying the comfort of the same instead of the uncomfortable feeling associated with change and growth.
• Commitment to Change: This refers to the unwavering dedication to continuously better oneself in various aspects of life. This concept encompasses a proactive and persistent approach to growth, where an individual actively seeks opportunities to enhance their skills, knowledge, and behaviors.
• Fear of the Unknown: Humans are naturally wary of uncertainty. This instinct dates back to our ancestors, who needed to be cautious about unfamiliar environments to survive. Today, this translates into a preference for familiar routines and environments, as they feel safer and more predictable.
• Self-Cultivation: This path is the deliberate and conscious effort of improving oneself through various practices, activities, and experiences. It involves the pursuit of personal growth, self-awareness, and self-improvement in different aspects of life, such as physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
• Motivation Orientation: This refers to an individual’s underlying motivation to accomplish tasks, goals, or activities. It reflects the underlying motivations that drive a person’s behavior and influence their choices.
• Approach-Avoidance Theory: This theory suggests that individuals are motivated to approach desirable stimuli and to avoid undesirable ones. This theory, proposed by psychologist Kurt Lewin, highlights the internal conflict people experience when they are simultaneously attracted to and repelled by the same goal or situation.
• Opportunity Mindset: The power of an opportunity mindset lies in recognizing and seizing opportunities for growth and success. By shifting from justifying failure to seeking opportunity, individuals can reduce stress, encourage growth, and find new directions.

A Few Words from Psychology Fanatic

In the tapestry of life, we often find ourselves faced with the delicate balance between holding on and letting go. As we navigate through the unpredictable twists and turns of our journey, it becomes evident that some chapters must inevitably close for us to evolve. The metaphor of “painfully closing a door” encapsulates this struggle; while we may initially resist change due to fear or uncertainty, embracing these transitions allows us to move forward with renewed purpose. With every door we shut behind us, we create space for new experiences and opportunities that can illuminate paths previously obscured by our past.

As we’ve explored throughout this article, acknowledging our emotional baggage is crucial in facilitating growth and healing. Just as Helen Keller poignantly stated about overcoming suffering, it is vital to recognize that within each painful experience lies the potential for transformation. By consciously deciding when to close doors—whether they lead to unfulfilling relationships or limiting beliefs—we empower ourselves to step into brighter futures filled with possibilities. Ultimately, while being confronted by discomfort is an inherent part of life’s journey, it also serves as a catalyst for profound personal development and resilience, encouraging us not just to survive but thrive in the face of adversity.

Last Update: December 4, 2025

References:

Branden, Nathaniel (1995) The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field. Bantam; Reprint edition​. ISBN-10: 0553374397
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