Healing Takes Time

​Healing takes time. The immediate jumping into a new relationship often interferes with necessary grief and restorative integration of experience. Eventually new connections are an important step, but quick movement from one relationship to another often is more distracting than curative. Ache avoided remains buried in the psyche and typically doesn’t dissolve without reflection and grief.

​Completely ignoring a partner’s infidelity by jumping to a new relationship disrupts healing and effective reconciliation of the past with the present. However, we can refuse to give up on love, give ourselves time to heal, and then explore the possibilities of new love.

See Wounds that Refuse to Heal for more on this topic

Finding Forgiveness

When we choose to stay, we also encounter many difficult obstacles that interfere with moving forward. Often before we can forgive, we need an apology—recognition of wrong doing. Without an apology, there is no security from the  emotional punches from an uncommitted mate. However, an apology shouldn’t be gifted with immediate forgiveness and gracious amnesia. A partner expecting a quick return to intimacy after expressing regret exposes their lack of compassion for the heavy impact of their actions.

Honesty, confessing betrayals, is important, but honesty doesn’t erase the disloyalty. The revealed secrets deliver a heavy blow, requiring significant healing. Recovery takes time; unhealed wounds will impact present and future relationships. Sometimes love dies and leaving is the only path back to joy. The true damage sustained by disloyalty continues to seep into the present. If the past continues to hinder intimacy in the present, we must purposely attend to the wounds.

New relationships haunted by the past limit our willingness to commit. When we only step part way into a relationship, never fully committing, and quick to run with any threat, we can never enjoy the beauties of intimacy. As frightening as openness can be after a betrayal, we must step into the dark again; intimacy demands vulnerability. We can find courage to make this journey and refuse to give up on love.

​See Commitment Issues for more on this topic

Fear of Vulnerability 

Broken relationships often include intense conflict. These emotionally demanding interactions enhance fear of vulnerability.

Alan Fruzzetti wrote:

“In relationships that have a lot of conflict, partners often feel vulnerable when they really want soothing or support. The prospect of failing to get desired support only increases those feelings of vulnerability, which makes it hard to ask clearly. Unfortunately, not expressing your goal clearly means it is very unlikely that you will get what you want” (Fruzzetti, 2006).

A natural response after a drama filled relationship is to avoid vulnerability. However, by inhibiting a return to vulnerability inherent to deeper connection, we suffer, allowing the bitterness from the past to continue to live. We can’t expect to live as if the hurt never occurred, but we deserve more than a life of limitations. We must improve our integration of the devastation. This may require guided healing with a skilled professional, supportive family and friends—and time. We must learn when and how to trust again.

Learning to Trust Again

Trudy Govier explains:

“Trust is simpler than distrust. To coordinate activities and manage even mundane matters with people whom we do not trust is at best difficult, at worst impossible. Distrust leaves virtually every possibility open, implying anxiety, fear, lack of openness, and poor communication” (Govier, 1998, p. 145)

It’s crucial for us to acknowledge the impact of past wounds and actively work towards healing and growth. When we deny ourselves the opportunity to address our vulnerabilities and pain, we inadvertently stifle our potential for authentic connection and a fulfilling life. Embracing the complexity of our emotions and experiences, while seeking support and guidance, is a courageous step towards a more integrated and empowered existence. Investing in our emotional well-being can lead to profound transformations and enriching relationships. It’s a journey that demands patience, compassion, and a commitment to nurturing our inner resilience.

​See Vulnerability in Relationships for more on this topic

Loving Again After Being Hurt

Protecting yourself from being hurt in a new relationship involves a balance between openness and setting healthy boundaries. Here are some strategies that may help:

• Take Things Slowly: Don’t rush into emotional intimacy or major relationship milestones. Allow the relationship to develop naturally over time.
• Maintain Your Independence: Keep up with your hobbies, interests, and friendships. This helps you stay grounded and not lose yourself in the relationship.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate your limits and expectations early on. This helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures that both partners are on the same page (Birch, 2014).
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that it’s okay to be cautious after past hurts. Self-compassion can help you cope with fears and insecurities.
• Trust Your Instincts: Pay attention to red flags and trust your gut feelings about the relationship. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s important to address it. They signal something, either personal work that needs to be done or danger that must be avoided.
• Communicate Openly: Have honest conversations about your feelings, fears, and hopes. Good communication is key to building trust and understanding.
• Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your concerns. They can offer perspective and support as you navigate the new relationship.

Remember, it’s natural to want to protect yourself, but it’s also important to give the new relationship a chance to grow. Finding the right balance between vulnerability and self-protection is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship (Lloyd & Pierre-Louis, 2024).

Therapy for Healing

Here are six therapy styles that may help a person heal from a broken heart, distrust, and the pain associated with the end of a relationship:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

• CBT helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns and beliefs that contribute to emotional distress.
• It can help reframe distorted thinking about the relationship, build coping skills for managing difficult emotions, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

See Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for more on this style of therapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

• ACT focuses on accepting painful emotions and thoughts rather than trying to avoid or suppress them.
• It helps individuals clarify their values and commit to actions that align with those values, even in the face of emotional pain. This can be particularly useful for rebuilding a sense of purpose and direction after a breakup.

See Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for more on this style of therapy

Attachment-Based Therapy

• This therapy explores how early attachment experiences may have influenced relationship patterns and emotional responses.
• It helps individuals understand their attachment style and develop healthier ways of relating to others, fostering trust and security in future relationships.

See Attachment-Based Therapy for more on this topic

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

• While often used with couples, EFT can also be helpful for individuals dealing with relationship trauma.
• It focuses on identifying and processing underlying emotions, promoting emotional regulation, and fostering secure emotional connections.

See Emotionally Focused Therapy for more on this style of therapy

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT)

• IPT focuses on improving interpersonal relationships and addressing specific relationship problems, such as grief, role transitions, and interpersonal disputes.
• It can help individuals navigate the challenges of a breakup and develop healthier communication and relationship skills.

See Interpersonal Therapy for more on this style of therapy

Trauma-Informed Therapy (including EMDR)

• If the relationship involved emotional abuse, betrayal, or other traumatic experiences, trauma-informed therapy is essential.
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be helpful for processing and healing from traumatic memories and experiences related to the relationship.
• This approach acknowledges the impact of trauma on emotional and psychological well-being and provides a safe and supportive environment for healing.

Associated Concepts

• Attachment Theory: This is a core theory in psychology, explaining how human beings form emotional bonds and connections with others, particularly in early childhood.
• Lessons from Failed Relationships: Reflecting on the circumstances surrounding a failed relationship can offer helpful insights for personal growth and future relationship success.
• Sternberg’s Triangle Theory of Love: This theory, proposed by psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, is a triangular theory that suggests love is comprised of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These components can be combined in different ways to form various types of love, such as romantic love, companionate love, and consummate love.
• Broken Promises: These hurts inflict deep emotional wounds, testing our strengths and legacies. Healing takes time and involves confronting painful truths. Trust is essential for lasting intimacy but can be easily shattered. Recognizing both overt and covert promises is crucial for fostering communication and connection, as neglect leads to resentment and betrayal.
• Emotional Intimacy: This refers to the close emotional connection between individuals, characterized by trust, vulnerability, and the ability to openly share thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. It involves deep understanding and empathy, creating a sense of security and closeness in relationships.
• Counter-Dependency: This trait is characterized by a intense fear of commitment that motivates overt behaviors to avoid emotional dependence on others. This behavior often manifests as a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from perceived threats of vulnerability and emotional exposure.