Pain of Change: Embracing Personal Growth
Often, we find ourselves unsettled with our lives; we want change. After all, individual development commences at birth and continues to the grave. But the darn ego gets in the way. Acknowledging character flaws triggers fear—the fear we are not good enough. We refuse to acknowledge personal flaws with a subconscious purpose to protect the ego. Recognition shakes security. And we want to feel secure, knowing we are relevant, that we can overcome any challenge. We also want to be accepted—likable and supported. Information that rattles security disrupts, reminding of our vulnerability to the unknown and uncontrollable world; some realities hurt when they expose weakness.
By tucking frightful knowledge into the tidy corners of the subconscious, security is maintained, and growth averted. Change requires awareness. And awareness causes pain. Often to change, we need to soften the pain of change.
Key Definition:
The Pain of Change refers to the stress involved in altering comfortable patterns. Change can be stressful for a variety of reasons. Human beings are creatures of habit and often find comfort in the familiar. When faced with change, uncertainty about the outcome can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress. Additionally, change may require adapting to new circumstances, learning new skills, or letting go of familiar routines, all of which can be challenging. The fear of the unknown and the potential for disruption to one’s life can contribute to the stress associated with change.
Why We Don’t Notice Our Weaknesses
Defensive processes are not malfunctions. These processes bolster self-confidence, keeping our engine firing. When we blame a hurtful relationship on a bad partner, we eagerly begin a new relationship without worrying about inability to connect—it was my partner’s fault. Children are especially susceptible to defensive thinking. The protective mechanisms serve important functions for growing young minds. Unfortunately, many childhood protections continue long after the original purpose has been served. Unnecessary protective mechanisms slow growth, limit intimacy, and prevent learning.
While we can’t handle the full weight of all truth, our growth depends on small doses, bringing us closer to reality, and continually exposing dangerous deceptions so we can realign with reality.
Exposing our egos to painful self-knowledge requires courage; abandoning engrained responses is a daunting task. The emotion-behavior chain occurs unconsciously. The unconscious implementation of defensive mechanisms is essential providing effective escapes, the protective thought patterns imperceptibly give generous explanations softening the hard truth of reality. We don’t consciously choose to be jealous, hurt, frightful, or shamed; we just are.
Outdated Protections
During previous experiences, these reactions shielded us, motivating behavioral responses to combat difficult pain associated with change. Experience can easily out match mental resources, leaving us depressed and helpless. Nothing gets accomplished when we collapse into unproductive states of mind; our mind automatically intervenes to keep us functioning. Sometime these automatic responses get out of whack, magnifying small matters or ignoring important matters. When this happens, our protective thinking complicates our lives, leading us down destructive paths, and confusing memories. The mess perplexes choices with the chaotic connections from misunderstood pasts.
We are imperfect. There’s no perfect approach to experience. We’ll fulfill every goal, hope and intention. Our predictions will be amiss. Understanding complexity exceeds our mental capabilities; we must simplify. We courageously approach life trusting our predictions of what we will encounter, even though we predict with only fractured information, filtered and sanitized. Success at relationships, education, professional life, and health are intricate constructions of thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behaviors. But success is also dependent on some outside forces, unknown events may interfere even when our actions are appropriate.
See Defense Mechanisms for more on this topic
Power to Change
We have power to direct our lives but not perfectly—not completely. The right action doesn’t always end with the desired consequence. We can do all the right things and still fail. Or conversely, we can do the wrong things and somehow still succeed. Vulnerability to outside factors is unsettling. We gobble up information promising greatness (positivity movement) and then are puzzled when life fails to abundantly bless. Life gives; and life takes away. We try to skirt the reality, hoping we can avoid the pain of change.
Empowerment is a salient feature in those that possess this life changing attitude. Richard G. Tedeschi, a leading authority on trauma and psychological growth, and his colleagues wrote: “People’s feelings of being empowered can be seen in their behavior” (Tedeschi et al., 2018).
In psychology we refer to the belief and agency to effect change in our lives as self-efficacy. Self-efficacy was coined by psychologist Albert Bandura, it plays a crucial role in motivation, behavior, and personal accomplishment. High self-efficacy individuals are more likely to approach difficult tasks as challenges to be mastered, while those with low self-efficacy may perceive them as threats to be avoided. This concept is widely studied in various fields, including psychology, education, and sports.
Successful change requires self-efficacy.
See Self-Efficacy for more on this topic
Natural Laws of Life
Life is not completely random—it is ordered. There is order and reason behind everything. We have control over many of the contributing factors to success. For example, if we eat right, exercise and limit stress, we are more likely to be healthy. If we are kind, forgiving, and empathetic we are more likely to have healthy relationships. The factors are just complex. We never know all the contributing factors therefore we can’t always accurately predict or perfectly control outcomes. We are vulnerable to unknown factors.
Vulnerability shakes security. Acceptance of reality, eventually unveils the complexity of life, reminding that the many forces intertwine to form experience. We fearfully must acknowledge that some experience—both good and bad—fall outside our realm of control; we are vulnerable. Our thoughts prefer to deny these realities, diminishing the role unknowns, and giving more weight to personal control. These beliefs lesson the sense of vulnerability, even in circumstances when our control is only marginal.
See Natural Laws of Life for more on this topic
False Beliefs Interfere with Change
If I believe drinking plenty of water prevents cancer, and I begin to drink 8 ounces of water every hour, my fear of cancer diminishes whether the practice is effective or not. I may still be vulnerable to the disease; I just don’t think I am. I experience increased security even though the belief may be grounded in a myth.
We all (whether raised in a chaos or order) respond to personal imperfections with a degree of defensiveness. Vulnerability is scary. Shame is painful. The frightening feelings can’t be entirely avoided; we are limited, futures can be influenced but not controlled. These limitations create anxiety that to flourish we must gracefully and productively managed. We must manage the pain of change.
A boxer’s underestimation of an opponent and over estimation of himself boosts confidence but once inside the ring, the faulty constructions exposes the fighter to a painful reality. With imperfections, we still can enjoy healthy relationships, successful careers, and successful attainment of hopes and dreams. Denying these perfections, doesn’t bolster our strength, but increases susceptibility to the strong strikes and blows of a complicated and unpredictable life. An accurate knowledge of self prevents a mismatch in the ring, protecting us from superior opponents.
See Magical Thinking for more on this thinking error
The Role of Self Assessments in Personal Change
Honest assessments of self generate some discomfort; a signal to prepare and move forward cautiously, keeping challenges manageable. For optimum growth, we must find the sacred middle ground of being challenged but not emotionally overwhelmed by the pain of change.
Our cognitive apparatus magically softens reality. We judge ourselves by different standards than we judge others.
Jonathan Haidt, distinguished scholar of emotion, morality, and political polarization, wrote:
“We judge others by their behavior, but we think we have special information about ourselves—we know what we are ‘really like’ inside, so we can easily find ways to explain away our selfish acts and cling to the illusion that we are better than others” (Haidt, 2003).
Robert Elias Najemy, leading authority on holistic self-discovery and psychosomatic healing, warns:
“The process of self-analysis is more painful without some degree of self-acceptance and self-love. Otherwise, as we discover the many weaknesses, attachments and fears from which we have been operating, we may begin to feel even more negative about ourselves, and our situation may worsen rather than improve” (Najemy, 2001).
Our softening or reality is perfectly normal as long as we stay in some contact with it. Too much illusions about ourselves and we can’t identify what needs to change. Like most other cognitive distortions to alleviate stress, we need a middle ground that protects but does not isolate us from reality.
Mindfulness is necessary. We must compassionately examine feelings of vulnerability, shame, fear and anger that arises with self-awareness. Through compassionate acceptance of feelings, the driving need for personal perfection and unconditional acceptance can be tamed.
See Self-Assessment Skills for more on this topic
Confronting Distorted Thinking
Albert Ellis confronted distorted thinking with cognitive behavioral therapy using the ABC model:
(A) The activating event
(B) The belief about the event
(C) The consequent emotions
In theory, Albert proposed that by challenging the belief, we alter the consequent emotions. While the ABC’s are an over simplified model of a complex function, they provide a foundation of understanding for the difficult foray into altering overwhelming emotions. With effort, mature adults can recognize emotions and the associated thoughts contributing to experience and purposely begin to meddle with the disturbing chains of reactions, infusing new thoughts and behaviors into old routines. Many chaotic actions, full of powerful emotion are unwelcome remnants from childhood.
Effectively challenging felt experience is a skill; with regular practice, we can become proficient. By breaking unproductive reactionary chains, we can act from a position of strength, no longer frightened by imperfection.
See Cognitive Reappraisal for more on this topic
Associated Concepts
- Stages of Change: This model, also known as the transtheoretical model, describe a series of stages that individuals may go through when making a significant behavior change.
- Supportive Environments: This refers to a space or setting where individuals feel validated, respected, and encouraged. This environment fosters a sense of safety, trust, and comfort, which is conducive to personal growth, emotional well-being, and self-expression.
- Contingency Planning: This practice involves anticipating and preparing for potential obstacles or setbacks that may arise along the way. It’s about identifying alternative courses of action to stay on track in the face of unexpected challenges, allowing individuals to adapt and continue progressing towards their goals.
- Commitment to Change: This refers to the unwavering dedication to continuously better oneself in various aspects of life. This concept encompasses a proactive and persistent approach to growth, where an individual actively seeks opportunities to enhance their skills, knowledge, and behaviors.
- Precaution Adoption Process Model (PAPM): This is a theoretical framework used in health psychology and related fields to understand how individuals perceive and respond to potential hazards or risks. It describes a series of stages that individuals go through as they consider and ultimately adopt precautionary behaviors.
- Setbacks: These events refer to the unplanned events that momentarily derail progress towards goal attainment.
- Angela Duckworth’s Theory of Grit: This theory posits that passion and perseverance are crucial for long-term success. The article explores how grit, more than talent or intelligence, predicts achievement and resilience. It delves into strategies for developing grit and its implications for education, career, and personal growth.
A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic
When new information sparks discomfort, instead of blindly reacting, we soften the pain of change by pausing for a moment, giving sufficient space to feel the experience, and then without judgment be in the moment. Loosening the chains of defensive reactions, examining the situation for more appropriate responses—the action that bring us towards our goals. These investigations uncover the pesky involvement of the ego. Unless we challenge these habitual patterns, our actions will prevent deeper insights.
We must remember that while change can be stressful, it also offers opportunities for growth and new experiences. Embracing change with a positive mindset can help alleviate some of the stress it may bring. Mindful recognition of the mind’s protective system doesn’t cure discomfort. Discomforting emotions are part of human experience. Successful changes require working through the pain associated with change. But with patience, thoughtfulness, and personal acceptance, we can navigate life, experiencing the pleasures and joys in great abundance.
Last Update: November 22, 2025
References:
Haidt, Jonathan (2003). The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom. Basic Books; 1st edition. ISBN-10: 0465028020; APA Record: 2006-00770-000
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Najemy, Robert Elias. (2001). The Psychology of Happiness: Understanding Ourselves and Others. Edition: 4th. Holistic Harmony Publishers. ISBN-10: 0971011605
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Tedeschi, Richard G.; Shakespeare-Finch, Jane; Taku, Kanako; Calhoun, Lawrence G. (2018). Posttraumatic Growth: Theory, Research, and Applications. Routledge; 1st edition. ISBN: 9781032913247; DOI: 10.4324/9781315527451
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