Introduction: Subjectively Being Kind

​Our views are distorted when masked by the yearnings of the ego. We gaze into distorted mirrors that reflect preconceived conceptions rather than realities. If a mass murder can overlook the dead bodies filling the communal graves of millions, one of the saddest stories in the ugly pages of history, what chances does a solitary person have to recognize their own slight blunders, facing knowledge of their own selfishness and become a kinder person.

Angela Duckworth wrote:

“The same objective event—losing a job, getting into an argument with a coworker, forgetting to call a friend—can lead to very different subjective interpretations. And it is those interpretations—rather than the objective events themselves—that can give rise to our feelings and our behavior” (Duckworth, 2018).

Basically, we could be mean, interpret it as kindness and experience the same internal rewards as being kind. However, our morals and ethics should direct us to be kind, not simply interpret our behaviors as kind.

Most people claim to be kind; but few acknowledge personal acts of meanness, justifying damaging aggression as warranted. How do normal people quickly turn on neighbors and fellow countrymen without seeing the flawed character behind the hate? We view malicious acts of others as evil; but when we judge our own uncaring behavior, we see a kind soul acting within excusable reactions. “I’m not mean;” we tell ourselves, “They needed correcting.”

Labeling Character

Labeling the entirety of a character as kind or mean impedes progress, missing the complexity from which we all act. Everyone possesses streaks of kindness and meanness. Instead of an ignorant judgment of overall character, relieving our mind of more demanding assessments, we should focus on individual acts for kindness—or meanness. This practice can eliminate some of our conceptual blindness.

If we increase kindness—even slightly—while simultaneously reducing callousness, the world begins to change. A single unkind act doesn’t define our character, but we can scrutinize our act and begin a gentle transformation.

Self-Interest and Behavior

Self-interest motivates behavior. Living beings are driven to survive, and this requires attention to needs of the self—eating, shelter, relationships, and futures. Self-interest is natural. Complex associations, drawn from experience or proxy, create an algorithm of sorts, to evaluate the world. New interactions jump from the external to the internal, being mashed together with concepts and predictions, and eventually spitting out pleasurable or disagreeable feelings, pushing the person towards opportunity and away from danger.

Mixed in with the obvious survival needs are also subtle drives for security, social acceptance, and meaning. These wants also spur feelings of pleasure or discomfort (Murphy, 2021).

Brené Brown eloquently wrote:  “When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart and we hurt others” (Brown, 2022).

According to Kory Floyd’s Affection Exchange Theory, Humans are biologically driven to love and be loved. Floyd wrote: “Humans don’t just love to be loved; we need to be loved. And, perhaps equally as important, we need to be shown that we are loved” (Floyd, 2008).

Primary Dilemma

The conflicting drives between satisfying needs and desires and the necessity to forsake some of our desires to secure our belonging needs is the primary dilemma of life (Murphy, 2024). These two opposing drives challenge our wellness and stability. Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary explain that if belongingness is indeed a fundamental need, then “aversive reactions to loss of belongingness should go beyond negative affect and include some types of pathology” (Baumeister & Leary, 1995, p. 500).

In the work to secure personal pleasure by satisfying integrated wants and needs, we often neglect or harm others, excluding them from the complex determination of how to act.

​To be kinder, a mindful examination is required. Casually glancing at the distorted mirror doesn’t help, provoking justifications and distorted conclusions. We must look deeper with a skeptical eye on individual acts, considering the impact of our actions on others. This sensitivity that includes others is not always natural and must be developed. Attentive watching develops compassion.

Cognitive Dissonance

Discovering personal acts of selfishness clashes with our protected beliefs of kindness. Unkind behavior does not mesh with self concepts of kindness. They create cognitive dissonance (Murphy, 2015). Leon Festinger explained that: “Becoming aware of conflicts between our beliefs and our actions, or between two simultaneously coexisting beliefs, violates the natural human striving for mental harmony, or consonance” (Banaji & Greenwald, 2016, p. 59).

Festinger explains:

“Because dissonance is uncomfortable, people try to reduce it by changing one or both cognitions to make them more consonant with each other” (Festinger et al., 1956).

In attempts to resolve the dissonance between an unkind act which harms our drive for belonging, and self-serving behaviors which strives to fulfill other needs, we subjectively interpret our behaviors in a self-serving way.

How Self-Serving Bias Influence Subjective Interpretations

Self-serving bias is a pervasive cognitive bias that leads individuals to attribute positive outcomes to their own internal qualities, such as skill, intelligence, or effort, while attributing negative outcomes to external factors beyond their control, such as bad luck, difficult circumstances, or the actions of others. This bias acts as a psychological mechanism to protect and enhance self-esteem, allowing individuals to maintain a positive self-image. Consequently, when faced with the same event or information, individuals exhibiting self-serving bias will interpret it in a way that favors their own sense of competence and worth.

This influence on subjective interpretation is evident in various aspects of life. For instance, a student who receives a good grade on an exam might attribute it to their hard work and intelligence, reinforcing their belief in their academic abilities. Conversely, if they receive a poor grade, they might blame the difficulty of the exam or the teacher’s grading style, thus shielding their self-perception from a negative reflection.

Similarly, in team settings, individuals might readily claim personal credit for a successful project while pointing fingers at external obstacles or the shortcomings of teammates when a project fails. This tendency to take credit for successes and deflect blame for failures highlights how self-serving bias actively shapes how we perceive and understand the world around us, often leading to interpretations that are skewed in our own favor.

Furthermore, self-serving bias can extend beyond individual achievements and setbacks to influence how we perceive our roles and contributions in social interactions and group dynamics. We may tend to overestimate our positive contributions and underestimate our negative ones, leading to subjective interpretations of events that paint us in a more favorable light. This bias can sometimes lead to disagreements and misunderstandings with others who may have different, equally biased, perspectives on the same situations. Understanding self-serving bias is crucial for fostering self-awareness and promoting more objective interpretations of the events that shape our lives and interactions.

Self-Serving Interpretations of Meanness

When an individual commits an unkind or mean act towards another, self-serving bias can significantly skew their interpretation of their own behavior. Instead of acknowledging personal flaws or negative intentions, the bias would likely lead them to attribute their actions to external factors or the perceived shortcomings of the recipient. For instance, they might rationalize their meanness by claiming the other person provoked them, deserved the treatment, or that they were simply reacting to a stressful situation.

This external attribution serves to deflect blame away from their own character and maintain a positive self-image. They might focus on the other person’s perceived flaws or actions as the catalyst for their own behavior, effectively shifting responsibility and minimizing their own culpability in the unkind act.

Furthermore, self-serving bias can lead individuals to justify their unkind actions in ways that still align with their positive self-perception. They might reframe their behavior as being “honest,” “assertive,” or even “helpful” in some twisted way, believing they were teaching the other person a lesson or doing them a favor in the long run. This allows them to maintain a sense of moral superiority or righteousness, even when their actions appear objectively unkind. By focusing on perceived justifications and external triggers, self-serving bias enables individuals to avoid confronting any negative aspects of their own behavior, thus preserving their positive self-regard despite acting in a manner that harms others.

Reducing Self-Serving Bias

Reducing self-serving subjective interpretations and fostering greater kindness and compassion towards others requires conscious effort and a commitment to self-reflection. One crucial step is to cultivate greater self-awareness regarding our own biases. This involves actively questioning our initial attributions for events, especially when things go wrong. Instead of immediately blaming external factors or others for negative outcomes, we can pause and consider our own potential role or contributions to the situation. Similarly, when we experience success, we can reflect on the influence of external support or luck, rather than solely attributing it to our own brilliance. Seeking feedback from trusted friends, family, or colleagues can also provide valuable insights into our blind spots and help us identify patterns of self-serving interpretations that we might not recognize on our own.

Practicing Empathy

Another powerful way to mitigate self-serving bias and enhance kindness is through the active practice of empathy and perspective-taking.

Paul Greenhalgh wrote:

“To relate empathically to other people usually involves a certain effort, as empathy is an attitude that requires one to set aside one’s own feelings and needs and to step partially outside oneself” (Greenhalgh, 1994).

Practicing empathy involves consciously trying to understand the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of others, particularly when their actions seem unkind or negative. Kimberley Brown, a meditation teacher and author, suggests that cultivating kindness means “opening your heart, with patience and attention, to your painful feelings—and to other peoples’ painful feelings” (Brown, 2021).

Instead of immediately judging or reacting defensively, we can try to put ourselves in their shoes and consider the various factors that might be influencing their behavior. This might involve considering their background, current circumstances, or past experiences. Actively listening to others with the intent to truly understand their viewpoint, rather than just waiting for our turn to speak, can also foster empathy and break down biased assumptions.

Intentional Acts of Kindness

Finally, intentionally practicing kindness and compassion in our daily interactions can further reduce self-serving biases and cultivate a more positive and understanding outlook. This can involve small acts of generosity, offering help or support to those in need, or simply approaching interactions with a genuine desire to connect and understand others. By consciously choosing to respond with empathy and kindness, even when faced with challenging behavior, we can shift our focus from self-protection to connection and build stronger, more compassionate relationships. This ongoing practice helps to break down the barriers created by self-serving bias and fosters a more inclusive and understanding perspective on the world and the people around us.

Associated Concepts

• Mirror Neurons: These are brain cells that react to someone else’s action as if the observer were themselves performing it. They are thought to be related to empathy and understanding the intentions behind acts of kindness.
• Loving Kindness Meditation: Often studied within the context of mindfulness, loving kindness meditation focusing on and being moved by others’ suffering and having a desire to alleviate it.
• Interpersonal Theory: This theory focuses on the interactions, relationships, and communication between individuals. It explores how people’s behaviors, thoughts, and emotions are influenced by their interactions with others, as well as how these interactions shape their self-concept and identity.
• Altruism: This refers to selfless concern for the well-being of others. It’s a foundational concept in understanding why individuals perform acts of kindness without expecting anything in return.
• Reciprocity Norm: This social norm suggests that people should help those who have helped them, fostering a cycle of kindness and cooperation.
• Prosocial Behavior: This encompasses actions intended to benefit others, including helping, sharing, donating, co-operating, and volunteering. Kindness is often expressed through prosocial behaviors.
• Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another is crucial for kindness. Empathy motivates compassionate actions towards others.

A Few Words by Psychology Fanatic

Kindness, when developed, expands, contributing to a positive evolution of the world. The world doesn’t need fearful walls of separation. Our constant flinging of sticks and stones over differences doesn’t resolve our fears; it exasperates them. We may blindly justify these damaging behaviors; but meanness, justified or not, is hurtful to the individual and to the world. By evaluating acts more objectively, pushing aside subjective interpretations, we can constructively change.

​We’re not mean or kind, we’re human; and can improve. Until we detect the baseness of our ruthless acts, we can’t change. We need gentle transformations, embracing compassion, seeing a world of competing ideas, and accepting the diverseness and beauty. We can lift our gaze beyond our silly subjective interpretations, see more than before, adding depth to our person, and, above all, being a little kinder.